schedule
February 28, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Where do I start...
Well, I'm new to this whole series you have going, so I can't say I've read your other stories, which probably would have been a good idea, because I haven't have a clue who some of these characters are... Granted I've been piecing together what I can where I can, and I think I get the gist of it. Regardless, a brilliant job to make a less admired character centric within a story, and rather brilliantly, might I add.
You play off Soi's anger and rage well, and I must say I approve of how you've used the character.
One possible issue I've found, and this is just in how I view Soi-Fong, far be it from me to judge, but despite her cold and calculated demeanor, she seems to me more like one who would... rely more on raw instinct within the bedroom, shall we say. I did see some of that there, definitely, but I didn't see her dominant nature come out at all in the lemon scene, nor have I seen it. I'm guessing this is probably having to do with the recent time skip, and the fact that she's lightened up, but seeing Fiery ol' Soi every now and again certainly couldn't hurt... then again, you're the author, far be it from me to comment, as long as you don't pull the equivalent of a Kishimoto and kill one of your most beloved secondary characters off in three sentences in a demeaning and despicable manner that has absolutely no place within the storyline.
Yeah, I think if you stay away from that, I should be good.
Thanks for keeping me entertained. I'd do the same, but my muse for writing anything but opinion pieces has left me for some reason, and I need to find her again.
Ja~!
Well, I'm new to this whole series you have going, so I can't say I've read your other stories, which probably would have been a good idea, because I haven't have a clue who some of these characters are... Granted I've been piecing together what I can where I can, and I think I get the gist of it. Regardless, a brilliant job to make a less admired character centric within a story, and rather brilliantly, might I add.
You play off Soi's anger and rage well, and I must say I approve of how you've used the character.
One possible issue I've found, and this is just in how I view Soi-Fong, far be it from me to judge, but despite her cold and calculated demeanor, she seems to me more like one who would... rely more on raw instinct within the bedroom, shall we say. I did see some of that there, definitely, but I didn't see her dominant nature come out at all in the lemon scene, nor have I seen it. I'm guessing this is probably having to do with the recent time skip, and the fact that she's lightened up, but seeing Fiery ol' Soi every now and again certainly couldn't hurt... then again, you're the author, far be it from me to comment, as long as you don't pull the equivalent of a Kishimoto and kill one of your most beloved secondary characters off in three sentences in a demeaning and despicable manner that has absolutely no place within the storyline.
Yeah, I think if you stay away from that, I should be good.
Thanks for keeping me entertained. I'd do the same, but my muse for writing anything but opinion pieces has left me for some reason, and I need to find her again.
Ja~!
schedule
February 28, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Again, I have to commend you on your love scenes. They're always sweet and well, loving and chock full of character development, which you don't expect to find in a lemon.
schedule
February 27, 2009 at 12:00 AM
That was a great chapter and i just thought i should drop you a review to let you know. Hopefully without the login for review thing you'll have more reviews for this chapter. It's a great story and you definitely deserve them. I know that reviews are a great thing to get especially long ones so here's one that i hope makes up for my distinct lack of reviews in earlier chapters and i will do my best to give you a review for each chapter. I read this one this morning and wasn't able to type up the review then so, let's hope this shows that i intend to try.
schedule
February 26, 2009 at 12:00 AM
GAIIIIIIEEEE! SORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRY!!!!
I... I don't know what to say. I never meant for *that* to happen. I honestly didn't mean to come across as *hating* any of those things.
I thought I had made it clear that I could see how Kaien could have been "one of the girls," as I put it, just as a girl raised among men could be one of the guys. I thought I said that I *liked* the training fight. I thought I said that I *really* liked that Gwydion *wasn't over-powered, that he relied on skill and technique instead of brute force (an idea I had developed separately and plan to include in *my* fanfic.)
I thought, I thought... Geez, I sound like I'm whining. I mean, I thought that when I expressed my dislike of something, I clearly stated that it was a very *moderate* dislike, one that failed to diminish my enjoyment of the whole. I've reread my review a couple of time, and, unlike that stupid, stupid onyx comment, it still sounds very moderate and unoffensive to me.
*Sigh.* This always seems to happen. I really don't mean any harm with my reviews, and I try to keep my criticism fair, one negative for every positive and vice versa.
Besides, I thought that "fluids ruin stories line" was funny. I mean, you finished WTECS years ago. I honestly think you've improved as a writer since then.
I guess mean to say that I apologize. At the risk of sounding like a total, abject jerk, I think you're being a bit thin-skinned (Please notice the word "bit"! I don't mean to offend by pointing that out.) but, given my long history of stupid comments, I do sort of see where you're coming from, and I will endeavor to reduce the hyperbole in my future reviews. If you point out which parts of the review you really hate, I will delete them myself.
Now, to actually read the chapter...
I... I don't know what to say. I never meant for *that* to happen. I honestly didn't mean to come across as *hating* any of those things.
I thought I had made it clear that I could see how Kaien could have been "one of the girls," as I put it, just as a girl raised among men could be one of the guys. I thought I said that I *liked* the training fight. I thought I said that I *really* liked that Gwydion *wasn't over-powered, that he relied on skill and technique instead of brute force (an idea I had developed separately and plan to include in *my* fanfic.)
I thought, I thought... Geez, I sound like I'm whining. I mean, I thought that when I expressed my dislike of something, I clearly stated that it was a very *moderate* dislike, one that failed to diminish my enjoyment of the whole. I've reread my review a couple of time, and, unlike that stupid, stupid onyx comment, it still sounds very moderate and unoffensive to me.
*Sigh.* This always seems to happen. I really don't mean any harm with my reviews, and I try to keep my criticism fair, one negative for every positive and vice versa.
Besides, I thought that "fluids ruin stories line" was funny. I mean, you finished WTECS years ago. I honestly think you've improved as a writer since then.
I guess mean to say that I apologize. At the risk of sounding like a total, abject jerk, I think you're being a bit thin-skinned (Please notice the word "bit"! I don't mean to offend by pointing that out.) but, given my long history of stupid comments, I do sort of see where you're coming from, and I will endeavor to reduce the hyperbole in my future reviews. If you point out which parts of the review you really hate, I will delete them myself.
Now, to actually read the chapter...
schedule
February 26, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I can’t tell you how ecstatic I am, both with the fact that you put up another chapter and for the fact that you didn’t take my review as a rambling mass of fan-girling gushiness. After I posted it I was a little afraid that it was too much. Especially since I know I over analyze things too much. Glad to know it wasn’t too much and that the review didn’t bother you.
On to the chapter, I always feel that writing a lemon or a sex scene is probably one of the hardest things to write, especially when you’ve written more than one and you don’t want to end up rewriting the scene over and over again, with the only change being the participants. You most definitely don’t have to worry about being accused of that. You tailor each scene, not only to the characters, but also to the implied experiences that they have in your universe. What I mean is that even though you’ve written five different first times, each one is portrayed within their characteristics. Those who had Hollows were easily lead by their instincts (Tatsuki, Ichigo, Asuka, Tsukiyomi) while those who were normal (or as normal as anyone in the Bleach universe can be considered) were a little more hesitant, yet eager and loving (Souken and Sora.) In fact, this was probably the first scene which you’ve written your characters being a little awkward, nervous and a little hesitant while still being very eager to commit to each other through the act of sex. This completely fit their characters. Gwydion in particular I felt was exceptionally written.
On the whole, while not your best sex scene (I feel that should go to the scene should go to the not quite foursome between Tatsuki, Ichigo, King and Queen) it was still an enjoyable chapter to your story.
On the aspect of overpowering I feel you’ve been doing just fine. The original series has the Dragon Ball Syndrome, and while you have incorporated it into your story (there would be no way for you not to since it is part of the original story and to eliminate it, you would have to make it into an alternate universe where Ichigo’s whole back story would have to be disregarded) you’ve also moved away from it. I felt that your view was clearly given with the emphasis on Gwydion’s training, heck on everyone’s training from the next generation, but each person brings their own perception and opinion when they read something.
On a quick side note I want to thank Toast too, since I’m not a member of AFF and if the advise to shut off the function to let non-registered users not been given, I would never have been able to express my adoration for this universe. So Thank You Toast!
On to the chapter, I always feel that writing a lemon or a sex scene is probably one of the hardest things to write, especially when you’ve written more than one and you don’t want to end up rewriting the scene over and over again, with the only change being the participants. You most definitely don’t have to worry about being accused of that. You tailor each scene, not only to the characters, but also to the implied experiences that they have in your universe. What I mean is that even though you’ve written five different first times, each one is portrayed within their characteristics. Those who had Hollows were easily lead by their instincts (Tatsuki, Ichigo, Asuka, Tsukiyomi) while those who were normal (or as normal as anyone in the Bleach universe can be considered) were a little more hesitant, yet eager and loving (Souken and Sora.) In fact, this was probably the first scene which you’ve written your characters being a little awkward, nervous and a little hesitant while still being very eager to commit to each other through the act of sex. This completely fit their characters. Gwydion in particular I felt was exceptionally written.
On the whole, while not your best sex scene (I feel that should go to the scene should go to the not quite foursome between Tatsuki, Ichigo, King and Queen) it was still an enjoyable chapter to your story.
On the aspect of overpowering I feel you’ve been doing just fine. The original series has the Dragon Ball Syndrome, and while you have incorporated it into your story (there would be no way for you not to since it is part of the original story and to eliminate it, you would have to make it into an alternate universe where Ichigo’s whole back story would have to be disregarded) you’ve also moved away from it. I felt that your view was clearly given with the emphasis on Gwydion’s training, heck on everyone’s training from the next generation, but each person brings their own perception and opinion when they read something.
On a quick side note I want to thank Toast too, since I’m not a member of AFF and if the advise to shut off the function to let non-registered users not been given, I would never have been able to express my adoration for this universe. So Thank You Toast!
schedule
February 18, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Squeeeeeeeee I got specific mention. *does an awesome dance in celebration*
Onto business then.
I think you've established a very believable repertoire between Soi and Gwydie. The way they interact seems natural, and the convenient time-lapse seems just right. I really like the growth in the characters too, and even though she's really different, Soi still feels like Soi to me. So I guess I'm saying your'e diong a great job at keeping her in character even though you're slowly changing that character. Does that make sense? I hope it makes sense...
Please keep going! I'm so psyched for the next chapter I could pee! ^^
Onto business then.
I think you've established a very believable repertoire between Soi and Gwydie. The way they interact seems natural, and the convenient time-lapse seems just right. I really like the growth in the characters too, and even though she's really different, Soi still feels like Soi to me. So I guess I'm saying your'e diong a great job at keeping her in character even though you're slowly changing that character. Does that make sense? I hope it makes sense...
Please keep going! I'm so psyched for the next chapter I could pee! ^^
schedule
February 9, 2009 at 12:00 AM
The story is still enjoyable to read, even though I am a horrible person. By the way, have you ever seen a male gymnast? They're built like steelworkers! They've got triceps the size of a baby's head! There's a larger focus on strength than on flexibility, hence the steelworker thing. Anyway, keep up the good work!
schedule
February 9, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I liked seeing Kaien and Asuka at the beginning of the chapter - I hope there are more cameos later! Perhaps some with Senna and Zaraki's son (forgot his name already)? And it looks like things are heating up!
schedule
February 9, 2009 at 12:00 AM
NOOOOOOOOO! After holding the longest review crown for so long, by gatita I am utterly beaten... broken... bushed...
Anyway, on with the review!
The Kaien/Asuka scene seemed a little... girly. I mean, I like both characters, but Kaien came off as reacting more like a fellow girl than a man. I could be wrong. After all, if a girl can be "one of the guys," can't a guy be "one of the girls?"
Plus, while I will protest the whole child-achieved-release-state thing to my grave, I agree. Though my internal Asuka-who-looks-like-Asuka-Langley-with-blue-hair has been stated to look nothing like her, her as a kitten would be cute as a button.
I am glad you spliced in more detailed chunks within the fight scenes. I usually prefer my combat mortal, dirty, and brutal, but it was very good for a training fight. I also like that you have begun to include actual martial arts concepts into the training. It adds to the realism. (It feels truly odd to type that last sentence to describe anything to do with the Bleachiverse.)
Omaeda makes his triumphant entrance, though he appears to have developed a thick suicidal streak during the interval between the end of Bleach and his arrival in the Vision universe. Otherwise, you captured his character quite well, though I argue that Soi and Gwydion's reactions to his antics were a tad out of character, if mildly funny. A year ago I would probably have found them even funnier, but, while I used to really dislike his character, he has begun to grow on me of late.
Furthermore, I disagree with Gwydion's assessment of his abilities. If...
You know, this is going to turn into another King argument like the one we had when I first reviewed. To save time, agree to disagree and move on.
Besides, him dribbling crumbs on Soi was really, really funny.
And don't get me wrong. Please, *please*, for the sake of all that is good, don't give him a pairing. The universe would end before it could contain such a thing.
So, from the final section I deduce that we are rapidly approaching what many readers have doubtless begun reading the story for: the sex. I don't think I've ever commented on your sex scenes before. Well, to start off, I think some of them are good, while others are merely decent. My personal favorites are Chapter Fifteen of WTECS, and both Chapter Eight and the Christmas Scenes of ANW. Unfortunately, as you may already know, those deal more with supporting and secondary characters than the so-called "main pair."
Don't misjudge me. With one exception, I like the more central scenes just fine. I just usually enjoy the less mainstream ones better.
That exception I have had trouble identifying, being too lazy to read through the story in its entirety to find it, but I believe it is the messy, outdoors portion of Chapter Eleven in WTECS. To quote the great sage and lemon critic, DeadEyeDave of /http://www.geocities.com/deadeyedave003/home/, whose MSTs should be required reading for any aspiring lemon writer:
"FLUIDS! F*CKING! RUIN! STORIES! 'Nuff said."
Anyway, I won't pass judgement on the probably-still-unwritten scene. Either way, you're not getting rid of me. I will cling to this story like a barnacle to the hull of a ship. I wanna see who/what the crazy Surgeon is and who/what his plans involve. Excelsior!
P.S. On a purely selfish, unpleasantly random note, I would like to see Jushiro and Unohana make an appearance. They are two of my favorite characters and have an interesting history even within the comics, yet we never really hear about them in the Vision universe.
We are simply informed that they are together, and later that they have a child. I'm not asking for a big sex scene out of Chapter Fifteen of WTECS, but I would rather enjoy at least seeing them make a cameo appearance. It doesn't have to be soon, or at all...
Self-hatred fills me. If the answer is no, forgive my arrogance.
Anyway, on with the review!
The Kaien/Asuka scene seemed a little... girly. I mean, I like both characters, but Kaien came off as reacting more like a fellow girl than a man. I could be wrong. After all, if a girl can be "one of the guys," can't a guy be "one of the girls?"
Plus, while I will protest the whole child-achieved-release-state thing to my grave, I agree. Though my internal Asuka-who-looks-like-Asuka-Langley-with-blue-hair has been stated to look nothing like her, her as a kitten would be cute as a button.
I am glad you spliced in more detailed chunks within the fight scenes. I usually prefer my combat mortal, dirty, and brutal, but it was very good for a training fight. I also like that you have begun to include actual martial arts concepts into the training. It adds to the realism. (It feels truly odd to type that last sentence to describe anything to do with the Bleachiverse.)
Omaeda makes his triumphant entrance, though he appears to have developed a thick suicidal streak during the interval between the end of Bleach and his arrival in the Vision universe. Otherwise, you captured his character quite well, though I argue that Soi and Gwydion's reactions to his antics were a tad out of character, if mildly funny. A year ago I would probably have found them even funnier, but, while I used to really dislike his character, he has begun to grow on me of late.
Furthermore, I disagree with Gwydion's assessment of his abilities. If...
You know, this is going to turn into another King argument like the one we had when I first reviewed. To save time, agree to disagree and move on.
Besides, him dribbling crumbs on Soi was really, really funny.
And don't get me wrong. Please, *please*, for the sake of all that is good, don't give him a pairing. The universe would end before it could contain such a thing.
So, from the final section I deduce that we are rapidly approaching what many readers have doubtless begun reading the story for: the sex. I don't think I've ever commented on your sex scenes before. Well, to start off, I think some of them are good, while others are merely decent. My personal favorites are Chapter Fifteen of WTECS, and both Chapter Eight and the Christmas Scenes of ANW. Unfortunately, as you may already know, those deal more with supporting and secondary characters than the so-called "main pair."
Don't misjudge me. With one exception, I like the more central scenes just fine. I just usually enjoy the less mainstream ones better.
That exception I have had trouble identifying, being too lazy to read through the story in its entirety to find it, but I believe it is the messy, outdoors portion of Chapter Eleven in WTECS. To quote the great sage and lemon critic, DeadEyeDave of /http://www.geocities.com/deadeyedave003/home/, whose MSTs should be required reading for any aspiring lemon writer:
"FLUIDS! F*CKING! RUIN! STORIES! 'Nuff said."
Anyway, I won't pass judgement on the probably-still-unwritten scene. Either way, you're not getting rid of me. I will cling to this story like a barnacle to the hull of a ship. I wanna see who/what the crazy Surgeon is and who/what his plans involve. Excelsior!
P.S. On a purely selfish, unpleasantly random note, I would like to see Jushiro and Unohana make an appearance. They are two of my favorite characters and have an interesting history even within the comics, yet we never really hear about them in the Vision universe.
We are simply informed that they are together, and later that they have a child. I'm not asking for a big sex scene out of Chapter Fifteen of WTECS, but I would rather enjoy at least seeing them make a cameo appearance. It doesn't have to be soon, or at all...
Self-hatred fills me. If the answer is no, forgive my arrogance.
schedule
February 8, 2009 at 12:00 AM
this story is coming along just great! do what you do best!!!