schedule
February 26, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Well, thanks for the tips and I will correct the typos but the reason this is so brief is because it was meant to be. It was written for Bleach Kink Meme on LJ. And this is male x male Yumi is a guy and once that's established, you should be able to follow better. But yeah, brevity is key!
schedule
February 12, 2009 at 12:00 AM
You need to fix some spelling/grammatical errors throughout the piece, as well as section it a little more. The paragraphs all lumped together makes it a little difficult to follow.
It would also be good if you developed the fiction a little more. It's not a bad piece, but if you focused on lengthening the story, it would be much more enjoyable to read.
She isn't really into scat, but it wasn't bad anyway. You handled it very well - it wasn't squicky to read, it didn't make her uncomfortable in a way that scat play could.
So, it wasn't bad; correct your grammatical/spelling errors and develop it more, and it could be a great read.
It would also be good if you developed the fiction a little more. It's not a bad piece, but if you focused on lengthening the story, it would be much more enjoyable to read.
She isn't really into scat, but it wasn't bad anyway. You handled it very well - it wasn't squicky to read, it didn't make her uncomfortable in a way that scat play could.
So, it wasn't bad; correct your grammatical/spelling errors and develop it more, and it could be a great read.