If I Close My Eyes Forever

Author's Note: This is just a normal angsty fanfiction for the yaoi lovers that think Ichigo and Uryuu make the most adorable couple. I will update as often as I can.


Warnings: Yaoi! Some language, blood, violence, major angst. Anything else will be posted on the chapter in which it is needed. Other than that there is a small mention of some het in a few chapters. It goes along with the storyline but I'm going to try and not get to graffic and detailed about it. After all, you aren't reading this fic to look at het.

Chapter One: Being Home




Finding the still form of his roommate of two years came as to no shock to Uryuu Ishida, as he fought his way inside of the two bedroom loft. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d come home not to find something scattered about. Their place was never in complete disarray, which kept him from growing too aggravated at the substitute shinigami. It was understandable that Ichigo tended to drop whatever he was doing at that moment, whenever work called him.


Uryuu did think of chasing hollows as a job for Ichigo, since that was the only thing the man did. A daily job was just out of the question, when one was more or less a full-time shinigami. With Ichigo being a shinigami, it left the Quincy nothing to do but get a real job. There was no point in both of them keeping the city safe. Since the downfall of Aizen four years ago, there wasn’t much to do hero wise. Know he partly understood what his own father meant, killing hollows didn’t make any money.


His father had cut him off over six months ago, stating he was old enough to make his own way. Ryuken claimed that it was time for his son to finally realize what it meant to exist in this world, time for him to become a man. Being a man meant not chasing down hollows, trying to glorify being a Quincy. Uryuu still had a position in the hospital but had to work his way up, just like everyone else. He knew what his father was trying to do, he even accepted it, but he just didn’t like it.


It was aggravating at times to come home knowing that Ichigo was out there doing who-knew-what, while he was too tired to do anything but drag the man’s vacant body to the couch. Today had been one of those days, where he wanted to pretend his secretary was a hollow, so he could find the pleasure in plugging her mouth with an arrow. Lately, his tolerance was next to nothing, everything seemed to grate on his nerves the wrong way.


Looking around their small flat, he saw that he had a decent life, he wasn’t blind. The home was roomy, with a living area, large enough to seat a couch and entertainment center. There was only one bathroom between the two bedrooms, forcing them to share it, and race for the shower every evening. Ichigo liked to complain that he took all the hot water for hours to come.


Giving into the weariness dragging him down, he left the prone form of Ichigo lying sideways against the table. Dragging it would require using energy that would help him make it to his bed. Uryuu felt only the smallest amount of guilt leaving the body in the uncomfortable position. With arms and legs that felt like lead, he made his way into the bedroom.


It was done in a designer blue color, a soft hue that reminded him of the morning sky. The carpet was lush and soft beneath the soles of his feet, making him want to lie down even more. A vast book collection lined the nearest wall to the door, a sewing station near the bathroom, and a king size bed, near the window. The large mattress was his target, his destination, in order to catch up on some much needed sleep.


Without bothering to undress, his body crashed onto the smooth surface. The scent of roses instantly assaulted his nose, coming from the fabric softener they used. It was a welcomed aroma, bringing with it the sensation of being home and comfortable. He was more than comfortable; he loved his bed, so soft yet firm. It was no wonder he slept like a log once he climbed upon the thing.


Nuzzling into the top pillow, Uryuu let himself finally relax after a trying day. He tried not to bring work home or to take his personal life with him to work. There was an itching feeling in the back of his mind, that he was doing just that. He was letting his latest personal problem get to him, it was causing major stress. How could it not?


How often did one start having feelings for someone that was completely off limits? The last thing he wanted was to have romantic or sexual interest in the substitute shinigami. The change had happened gradual, too undefined for him to notice until it was too late. They’d started out as semi-rivals -all Uryuu’s doing- but, then he’d befriended the annoying carrot head. It was funny how things worked out, how he’d ended up best friends with someone that should be his worst enemy.


From infiltrating the Seireitei, to facing the Bounto and finally destroying the reign of Aizen; they’d been through a lot together. How long would he be able to keep his feelings for the other male from showing? At times he believed his father suspected and that was why Ryuken tried to order him to have nothing to do with the shinigami. Sure, there was another reason for that total disdain, but Uryuu couldn’t shake the feeling that he wasn’t fooling the man that sired him.


Going out on dates didn’t help much, not when all he thought about was Ichigo. Being an Ishida, the name, granted him a lot in life. He never lacked for trying to find a date, they’d be eager just knowing that he was from a rich family. Everyone that worked at the hospital knew that he was set up to inherit one fateful day, it was only a matter of time before he married.


His lips curved into a sour expression, thoughts of his latest conquest making him want to hit something. Mailen Tatawaski, was everything his father would accept, and yet everything Uryuu disliked. She was well-bred, outgoing, beautiful, sexy and shockingly not very bright. It was terrible to see it that way, but there was no way to describe her lack of common sense. She had no earthly clue as to what he really wanted, nor could she see pass the end of her nose.


Having someone to go out with was nice, it got him away from the troubles he was confronted with daily, and it pleased his father. One day he’d have to get married, start a family and take over the family empire. Did he want to keep the Quincy line going? Yes, but at what cost? Having a child was one thing, but staying with a woman that he didn’t love, just didn’t sit well with him. At one time he thought he’d met a woman he’d have liked to be with, that had been a silly crush. The older woman had reminded him of his mother, which had struck a cord deep in his chest.


For months after, the foolish notion of love had stayed with him. It wasn’t until he’d been confronted with losing the orange haired shinigami that he noticed the ache of pain that shouldn’t be there merely for a friend. Then it had been easy to ignore the attachment that was unwelcome, he’d still been young. Now at twenty, his hormones were under control, yet his emotions were distraught.


Was the Quincy straight out homosexual or was it more towards being bi-sexual? If he were completely honest with himself it leaned more towards the bi-sexual aspect. There were many females that he found to be really attractive; he just wasn’t in love with them. Last year, the sexual desires couldn’t be squashed or contained with mere fantasies any longer, Uryuu acted. Not with Ichigo, that would have been a disaster, the man wasn’t gay. What he’d found was another bi-sexual male at work, that had found him desirable as well.


His current male lover was an older employee, married with three children. Uryuu had been allowed to experiment with both aspects of being with the same sex in the bedroom. Being in charge had always been a part of his lifestyle; he liked to be in control most of the time. Except when it came to sex, perhaps that was why he was finding he liked to be with his male lover the most. When it came to physical pleasure he discovered a part of him-self, one he hadn’t known existed. When he was with a female it was different, the act was almost void of any emotion or thought, besides a temporary relief. However, when he was on bottom for his man, he was in a world of wonder.


There was a clatter outside in the hallway, indicating that his roommate had just returned. Uryuu saw no point in getting up to greet Ichigo, best to pretend he was already asleep. With the day he had been forced to endure he might snap without meaning to. It wasn’t his friend’s fault that he couldn’t contain his own emotions and desires. Ichigo had never gone out of his way to make Uryuu desire him, nothing besides being himself.


The man in question was so complex, so invigorating; it left the Quincy in awe at the best of times. After living with his father growing up and even his friends in school, being with Ichigo Kurosaki was a breath of fresh air. The shinigami wore his feelings on his sleeves. The man’s passion was so tangible Uryuu wanted to know what it’d be like to be swept away with it. To experience a night of pure, uninterrupted, and wild passion in Kurosaki’s arms, would be worth any price.


Knowing he was longing for the unattainable, Uryuu sucked in his breath, wishing he’d stop being so foolish. Tomorrow morning he had an early meeting with the board, about hospital policies. What he didn’t need was to spend his night letting his mind think about the other man. It really was like crying for the moon, he needed to focus on what he could obtain. With a quick flick of his wrists, his glasses were tossed onto the nightstand. Minutes later, sleep came to him; bringing dreams of an orange haired temptation.






He was in hell! Uryuu kept from swearing as the two suits raised their voices another octave, as if they couldn’t clearly hear each other. The throbbing in his brain was getting severe; lack of sleep was wearing him down. Dreams had caused part of his sleep deprivation; Ichigo was responsible for the rest.


Uryuu had been sleeping soundly when a loud noise had woken him. Coming home like he’d done, he’d forgotten about making dinner, leaving his roommate to see to it. On most days, he liked to do the cooking, Ichigo wasn’t the best chef. The smell of smoke had his legs wanting to rush out to investigate the cause. After hearing yelling and swearing, he knew what was happening in the kitchen.


“Perhaps, we can run the new figures by the shipping department and see what they can come up with. There won’t be that much of a decrease in production,” he yanked on his tie in frustration. Uryuu Ishida hated his job as much as he hated waking up with a raging erection every morning that wouldn’t go away until he took a cold shower. What he needed was some relief, then to have his head checked out for mental void.


“I agree, let’s run it by the department and see if they are okay with it.” Mr. Tamaya closed the brown folder in front of him in satisfaction. The youngest member of the meeting wasn’t the only one ready to enjoy the rest of the evening.


Uryuu heard a few more comments, his mind already closing down. If he were a drinking man, this would be where he slammed a bottle of sake to his lips. Not one to indulge, he’d settle for a nice dinner and some form of company. Mailen had called prior to the meeting to confirm their plans for the evening. As soon as he left here they were to head to catch a long dinner at his favorite restaurant before going back to his place.


Sex was a given, it always was when it came to their relationship. Maybe if he kept it up long enough he could sire a child, and that would save him from going through a marriage. Naturally, there were other options; he just had to seriously think about them.




Inoue Orihime slid the chopped onions across the cutting board, aiming for the vegetable tray. Ichigo had invited her over for dinner, so they were preparing stir-fried vegetable and beef. Uryuu had called two hour ago saying he wouldn’t be home for dinner this evening, which was okay with her because she wanted to spend some time alone with Ichigo.


Ichigo placed the wooden spoon down with more force than was necessary. A gnawing feeling had settled itself in his gut a while back and he was getting pissed off. The sentiment wasn’t very surprising; he was getting pissed easily lately. Was there a reason for the constant anger that seemed to plague him daily?


Light brown eyes surveyed the empty living room, was it because the Quincy had called home again? When wasn’t the smaller man always working or off with that cheap looking girlfriend? Last night, he’d been hoping to come home and find his friend waiting on him. Instead the house had been silent, the brunette already locked in the bedroom. Was Uryuu trying to avoid him for some reason, or did the other man simply not have any time for him?


“Do you think Mailen will be coming back also?” Inoue tossed the mushrooms into the simmering peppers. She didn’t really like Ishida’s new girlfriend but that was because the woman made her feel silly. She was still going to school to become a nurse and felt foolish next to the older woman their friend had decided to date.


Ichigo hoped not, he didn’t want to deal with that woman tonight. What the hell was his roommate’s deal with older women? This one was only a few years older than them but acted like she had decades on them. Problem was she didn’t act like a prude and that would have sat well with Ichigo. The woman was everything most men dreamed of marrying, so why didn’t he think she was good enough for the Quincy? “Is Tatsuki and Chad still coming over?”


“If she can get out of work early enough, Shado said they’d try to come by.” Inoue thought of how happy her long time best friend was with their giant friend. The two had shocked everyone by announcing that they were a couple, it had been rather sudden. Tatsuki deserved to have someone special and the large man was more than dedicated to the small female fighter.


“Hn, which means if they can find the time.” Ichigo was going to laugh his ass off the day Chad announced that the girl was expecting. It was becoming a favorite pastime to make the tan male blush by questioning him and Tatsuki’s evening activities. When someone as physically active as Tatsuki comes around walking funny, it meant something worth mentioning.


“Hai! She said they might call it an early night.” Inoue stirred the steaming vegetables, forcing Ichigo to step aside in the process. She was starving and wanted to have time to talk after they dined. With the Quincy being out, she could discuss something important with Ichigo. It was time they made a commitment to each other, wasn’t it? Two years and he never discussed having more, was their casual relationship enough for him? Didn’t the man love her?


The substitute shinigami’s thoughts were far from that of his girlfriend’s. Instead of his own relationship, he was trying to figure out his friend’s. He wanted to know, what the hell did Ishida see in the female? What made her so damn special? Uryuu couldn’t even tell the woman about his lineage, that the Quincy was so proud of. How could the brunette think of staying with someone that he could never share a large part of his life with?


It just didn’t make any sense to him. Hell, why did he even give a shit? It wasn’t his life and he couldn’t tell the other man what to do. Ichigo had enough problems to deal with; he couldn’t let himself be bothered by Ishida’s. He just knew that it pissed him off whenever the woman came over and started discussing wedding plans or a future. This life lasted only so long so what did if it matter that some high classed broad wanted to monopolize Uryuu’s time?


It did, it bothered the fuck out of Ichigo, and it pissed him off that it did. Ishida didn’t give him advice on his own relationship with Inoue, so why did he feel the need to council his friend? How could he explain to his friend that somehow he just knew that the woman wasn’t right for the Quincy? Then who was?


Ichigo reached up to grab himself a glass from the cabinet, he was thirsty. Not to mention, a migraine was forming behind his eyes. He almost jumped out of his skin when the click of a door signaled the return of the other couple. It was a bit earlier than he’d been expecting, dinner must have been short.


“Evening!” Inoue beamed at the beautiful couple standing in the doorway. She always felt disheveled next to the other woman. Her eyes went right to the slender figure standing so close to Ishida’s slim form. The woman really knew how to wear a piece of satin, how had she gotten that thing on? If she weren’t certain of Ichigo’s dislike of the beautiful woman, she might have felt threatened. It eased her mind greatly that her boyfriend’s didn’t linger on the busty figure. Instead, her man was watching the other male with a strange expression.


Uryuu felt the heavy gaze upon him the moment he strolled inside the room. He heard Orihime’s cheerful greeting which he politely responded to. It didn’t really shock him to find Ichigo’s gaze upon him with a harsh look. What had he done now? Or was the shinigami just in a foul mood? Whatever the case might be, he wasn’t in the mood for it. Dinner had been ruined due to Mailen getting upset over her plate not being cooked right.


“What is that smell?” Mailen wrinkled her nose in disgust at the pungent smell of vegetables. Thankfully Uryuu had agreed to them going out for dinner instead of being forced to eat this girl’s cooking. Once had been enough to last her for several lifetimes.


“Sorry, we won’t impose on your dinner. “ The brunette could see that they had interrupted the couple’s late dinner. Uryuu glanced towards Orihime, who beamed at the apology. He could always count on her to be pleasant. The only thing he didn’t like about the girl was that she held Ichigo’s affection but hadn’t she always?


“We are fine, how was your evening?” Inoue felt at ease the moment Ishida gave her a slight smile. It didn’t matter if his girlfriend was on the mean side, Uryuu was always sweet.


“What are you doing home so early?” Finally, Ichigo found his voice after being confronted with the image of the couple. The Quincy was wearing a suit that would look better off than on, it made him look stiff. The older woman looked as she always did, spotless. The classis hairstyle had probably cost Ishida a week’s pay. The face was nice to look at, with full ripe lips and high cheekbones. Nice body too, but Ichigo found her completely lacking in personality. Not to mention looking at the mighty cleavage didn’t do anything to stir the heat in his groin.


“I believe I pay the bills here, so when I come home shouldn’t be an issue.” Ishida didn’t really snap the reply; he just let it slip out in an angry tone. He didn’t care for the nasty glare that filled those brown eyes. Why did he want to feel like he’d done something wrong?


“I’m sure that’s not what he meant.” Mailen placed a hand on the crisp grey suit jacket, hoping to stop any form of argument. Whenever Uryuu fought with the mooching friend he wouldn’t feel up to doing anything that night. It had been weeks since they’d gotten frisky, she was eager for some action. “Knowing dear sweet Orihime, she would have prepared enough for us all but they were expecting us to stay out longer. I’m sure Ichigo doesn’t want us to think they were trying to be rude. It’s okay, Dear, we already had dinner and will be retiring to the bedroom.”


“Oh,” Inoue couldn’t help the blush that spread into her cheeks at the comment. She knew what that meant, as well as Ichigo, she saw the shinigami’s face harden. It wasn’t too bad hearing the two doing their private thing so loud, it was just embarrassing.


“If you’ll excuse us,” Uryuu nodded towards his two friends while attempting to make it to the room without a fight breaking out. The last thing he needed was to end his night with a fight with Ichigo. It should piss him off that the man had the audacity to question him in his own home. It didn’t piss him off, it hurt more than anything. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew how things worked and that’s why he’d made sure they’d come back early. He knew Orihime enough to know that the girl wouldn’t give into Ichigo’s sexual desires as long as someone else was present in the house. The young girl was that silly when it came to fornicating near others. By him coming home, he would be able to sleep knowing that she wouldn’t be getting what he wanted.


“My, he is in a rotten mood tonight. He should be grateful that you haven’t kicked him out yet but he’s still an ungrateful ass.” Mailen would soon convince him to get rid of the unwanted roommate so she could move in on a permanent basis. The sooner she managed to get pregnant, the quicker she’d land herself a fortune. “You really should consider making him move, what does he do anyways?”


“Shut up, I didn’t ask you.” Uryuu saw the pout form and didn’t give a shit. He didn’t need her questioning why he did things. The last thing he’d do, was kick Ichigo out of the place, he’d never turn his back on the man. What did Ichigo do? Besides make him feel things that threatened to consume him daily?


“Fine, but I just worry about you.” She was definitely worried about that idiot tart out there figuring out that Ishida was a better catch that the lowlife she’d snagged already. The orange headed boy looked like he’d be alright in the sack but without having a job, what else could he possibly offer a woman?


Without waiting for confirmation he watched her shed off the clinging dress seconds within the door being closed and locked. It was just as well, he needed relief. A part of him felt like he was being dishonest with himself, giving into physical release with the wrong person. What other option did he have?


The moment he took off the cotton boxers she was on him, going right to her knees. He had to give the woman credit for knowing what she was doing in this department. Warm lips were getting him in the correct state, it didn’t take much. Barely dangling on the edge of the mattress, he closed his eyes and let himself get lost in the sensation. As usual his imagination took over, keeping him into the flow of things.


Mailen grinned as he passively let her take the reigns and direct the sex. His form dictated what kind of equipment he had, slim yet decent length. It wasn’t the largest she’d seen but got the job done, especially when he got into the mood. It must be because he was so slender and flexible; he could make her scream on occasion.


Tonight was already turning into one of those nights, she could tell within seconds of seating herself down on his erection. If not for the way she had herself braced over him, her legs might have given out from the strain. Small grunts erupted from his chest, his hands holding her waist in a tight grip. In a harsh voice he demanded that she move faster, urging her to bounce steadily upon him.


If she didn’t know any better, she’d think he was trying to punish her. Luckily, she got off on rough treatment and was thrilled by the command. With a sigh of joy, she echoed his rapid thrusting, making the disturbing sound echo against the wall. Her little geek was such a good fuck when he got overly excited and into things.


Ishida clenched the sheets as the voice he was imagining penetrated his foggy mind. In reality it was yelling for him to keep the noise down but in his mind it was telling him to do forbidden acts. Hearing Ichigo’s voice only helped to egg on his upcoming orgasm, bringing out the pleasure in having something massaging his cock.


A sob tore as she began to find release, not giving an inch, not until her man was
satisfied as well. She ignored the swearing coming from the hall and smiled. For good measure she begged to be fucked harder, which was answered with the irregular slamming of flesh. With a harsh scream Uryuu cried out, making pride swell in her chest. The other couple would have no doubt as to what they were doing and how much her man was pleased with her.


“Eh,” Uryuu didn’t acknowledge when she claimed to be going into the restroom to take a quick shower. The afterglow was already gone leaving him with a strange emptiness, the same as always. Sex was always good, why wasn’t obtaining an orgasm enough anymore? What would it take to drive the other man from his mind? Did it matter if Ichigo was no longer in his mind, if the man refused to leave his heart?





Author's Note: Please keep in mind that this is several years after the main storyline, and people grow older and up. Thanks for reading, and do review to let me know what you think. If there are any grammar errors, we'll blame someone, just not the writer. Mwhahahaha. (aka just let me know, so I can fix please)

Next Chapter: Ichigo makes a mistake in front of Tatsuki.....