Kisuke Reflects and Ichigo Muses

It's just that...that it never goes away. Being with you...I'm allowed to forget, even if only for a moment or two. But then, you look at me and I can see the shadowed pains, the haunted look in my eyes reflected in yours from the experiences we have dealt with. Good and bad.

And all I can do is remember.

Remember each time I didn't quite tell you everything. Each time I caused you pain, forced you further, made you stronger. Remember the times I failed and the hollow screams that still echo in my mind. Everything to the very last sweat drop sliding down to catch the corner of a trembling lip, cursing my name. It is my fate, I guess, to live out the rest of my days in this isolated torture. It is only what I deserve. The punishment I receive for the darkest desires of my heart and the ideas that took root deep in my mind so many years before.

The dreams attack full force now. I can no longer deny their effect. It gets harder and harder to hide the weight of my sins behind a silly demeanor and paper fan. Sometimes, just sitting here with you, with everyone, I feel like I begin to hallucinate. Everything coming back to me, flashing in front of my eyes, with crystal clarity. With each image, my mind retreats...cowering in the corner as the memories overwhelm me. I refuse to cry out, letting the fear fill my mouth, choking off the hoarseness of my voice as it gets trapped in my throat.

I watch as the darkness inches inward towards a now yellow pupil, filling your gaze and enveloping your body in a thirst for violence. Hollow laughter rends the atmosphere and startles even me. From you, it was most unexpected. I straighten from my relaxed position and blink rapidly. I am back in the shouten. The memories subdued once more. My shoulders are straightened and my head is raised, held high with determination.

I never promised you an easy path, you know this. I never went easy on you. Because, in truth, I knew from the very beginning as I looked at that traitorous bastard's smirking face, surrounded by the hollowfying bodies of my fellow captains and lieutenants... I knew that he would get as far as he has. My creation helped him on way. For this, I have never forgiven myself.

Even though they believed they owed me thanks; my former, fellow members of the thirteen squads ... I guess you could say I saved their lives, but in the end... Was that true? What did I save? I only did what I could, because after all... I felt partially responsible.

And looking at you now, I still do. You've become like them. A vizard, because of me. Did I know? When I severed your chain of fate, did I know that you'd eventually end up this way? Even I do not have an answer for that.

Truly, you have become a force to be reckoned with, far superior to anything any of us would have guessed for you. It rolls off of you in waves, pulsing around you, around us in a beat that only ones paying the closest attention can sense. Does anyone else besides me notice? The blazing red of your reiraku vibrates with an intensity that almost suffocates me.

I bow my head, my gaze now hidden by green and white. If I do not snap out of this reverie soon, you will notice and I cannot bear to see the worry flash through your eyes, the tenseness capture your features as you wonder what's going on beneath this head of blond.

A few minutes tick by, silence disrupted by the soft voices of the others enjoying a brief respite from the fighting, from the war. A war that may have been avoided if I hadn't created that damn thing. No, I tell myself. He would have found a way to start his war no matter what. It's who he is.

I barely conceal a jump as your hand covers my knee under the table. It tightens in the cloth slightly and I catch the chastising glance from the corner of your eye. I've been caught. A self-mocking smile curves my mouth and the fan appears to hide it.

Later, I repeat myself as we sit alone together and a calm settles over me. It's just that it never goes away. But being with you... It allows me to forgive myself, even if it's only for a little while because I realize now, through what you've shown me, that I may just be redeemable yet.

Ichigo.

Thank you.

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