Black-and-Red Conflict

thanks for all reviews!!!

ayumi-tenshi: wow, that definitely was one of the best compliments i got. you had me stunned. thank you! thanks for the input and assuring me, that my characters sound/act as they should.

~~~Ten~~~
Dream


Sleep seemed impossible for Renji this night. The whole event just replayed itself over and over in his head and he could not bear to lie there like that and just let it happen. He pushed himself up and, wincing as he walked, went into the bathroom to take a shower. He really would have liked a bathtub now and for a moment wondered why he hadn't rented a bigger flat which had included just that. Like Rukia's for example. But then her apartment was being paid for by her brother. Oh well, who knew, maybe if he sold his ass to Byakuya in the future he could have that kind of housing too.

He could not hold back another frustrated, throaty cry at that thought and gripped the water basin in front of him with both hands so he would not send his fist flying into his own reflection in the mirror before him. Light from the doorway illuminated only one side of his face, and it flickered, and made his tattoos dance. He snarled again, wishing to really turn into the demon whose mask he wore now. Maybe he would have been stronger then, could have resisted.

But he just looked ridiculous, he told himself and let his head hang, not wanting to see those red irises anymore which seemed to look at him accusingly. He finally stepped into the small shower to clean himself, trying not to look too close at the small dark remains of dried blood that clung to his fingertips from where Byakuya had violated him. As Shinigami he would heal fast, he knew. The physical wound was not the problem, it was the mental one that was so much worse, especially after he had actually thought he could get through to that man, could make a change. He'd actually believed he himself could have been something more for the noble. Instead he had just been reminded again how powerless he really was. Another streak of curses poured forth from his lips as he stood in the shower leaning his head against one wall and not even the warm water flowing over his shoulders could make him relax.

When he was ready and had dried himself and thrown over the thin, dark cotton yukatan he wore for the night, he walked back to his futon with awkward steps, considered to sit down but eventually decided to rather remain standing for now. His eyes fell on Zabimaru and he stepped up to the sword, hesitating for a few seconds before he gripped the hilt firmly and drew. The blade glinted in the yellowish light of the room's single lamp and Renji went to switch if off. He stood in the dark then, gripping his Zanpakutou's hilt, knuckles white, until his eyes slowly adjusted and he saw the room in dim shades of gray and dark blue before him.

Zabimaru tingled in his grip. The baboon king was angry, simply because his wielder was. No other reason was needed, for in this moment they might as well have been one. And Renji realized what would be the only thing that could give him rest now. He took stance, forcing himself to ignore what was left of the physical pain and readied himself to forget it completely in whatever movements the kata he was about to execute would require. He could not walk it properly here in his room, of course, but he would set it up, take the main stances, so in the end, when he'd take off into the night he'd not have to think anymore at all, but just react to what the endless, yearlong training of the sword forms had engraved into his very core.

He walked many katas for uncountable times that night. Perfectly in tune with Zabimaru who sung in his hands as he sliced the air. Perfectly in stance, time, form. Soon he was so immersed in the movements that he could have just turned his brain off completely. At around the fourth to fifth hour in the morning he finally returned to his room, exhausted but insofar content as that he knew he would be able to face his captain without showing any weakness. He would not limp, would not stammer. He would not give the other that satisfaction.

As Renji sank down on his futon he kept Zabimaru close by his side. But the sleep he so much needed and had worked so hard for, turned out to be a traitor.

He was back on all four, hair spread before him on the tatami like rivers of blood, forehead on his lower arm. He felt Byakuya over, behind, around, in him and that scream was tearing at his throat again, but all that came out when he opened his mouth was a husky moan, a noise asking for more. And suddenly, there was not only the pain that he remembered, there was something beneath it, something stronger that soon overruled everything else and, flooding his body, made him gasp. Byakuya was over him, holding onto him as he had done before, but he was completely naked now, and his arms were wound around Renji's body gently, tenderly, caressing the redheads stomach, sides, back, thighs, loins. Soft lips were following the valley of his spine and the dark lines on his shoulders, until they reached higher, further to his neck, softly biting and sucking.

Renji writhed in his sleep, part of him fighting the lie this dream wanted to make him believe. Byakuya hadn't been like that, he'd been cruel, he'd forced him to it, he'd not pleasured him, he hadn't been gentle. But the passion of the dream held Renji's mind in it's seductive grip and he could not make himself wake up.

The noble's traveling hand finally concentrated it's roaming between Renji's legs, ghosting over his erection. Feathery touches that teased the redhead and made his mouth form silent pleas for more.

There hadn't been anything like that, why was he dreaming this? These ridiculous teenage imaginations should have stopped the moment he'd seen the true, merciless face of his captain who had just taken whatever he wanted and didn't care how much he hurt his lieutenant for it. But that wasn't completely true either, was it? He had made Renji come after all...

“Renji...” A soft voice, a breath on his neck, another kiss.
“Renji...” A hand gripping his erection harder, moving in rhythm with the dark-haired man's own thrusts, thrusts that held no pain anymore but only endless pleasure.
“Renji...” A moan from those finely drawn, pale lips, and one last thrust.

Renji awoke with a gasp, arching his back as he felt the last spasms of his orgasm run over his spine. As he sank back onto his futon he drew his arms over his face gripping strands of his red mane in his fists and, shocked and angry, pulled fiercely. Then he pressed his palms to his eyes. He felt a roar built up inside his chest, but managed to suppress it into a muffled, hoarse growl.

He was getting mad, that was it. He had just had another wet dream about the man who had forced himself onto him just hours before. He made himself take deep and slow breaths, then lay his hands to his side and stared up at the ceiling. It was simply impossible. How could he dream something like this now? Because he had nothing against rough sex? Because that was practically the only kind he'd had so far? It still was not the same as being... raped. He flinched back from the word, even though he told himself it was exactly what had happened. He had been raped, clearly. The fact that Byakuya had made him come before did not change or soften that in any way, it actually only made it worse when it came to humiliation.

Just that embrace... His thoughts traveled back to it and he remembered how those arms had felt around him for those few moments when he had been kneeling there numb and paralyzed. How they had spoken of loneliness, how desperate their grip had been. As if they had belonged to a terrified person clinging to the last thing on earth to keep it from drowning, the last reason to be. But how could Byakuya ever suit that definition? Not at all, surely. But at the same time the redhead remembered the horrifying moment when his captain's mask had broken as he had dared speaking Byakuya's dead wife's name. The noble had obviously been terrified then, and completely out of his mind.

Renji abruptly set up, winding out of the second dirtied kimono of the night and used it to wipe up the mess that covered him before he threw it across the room. There was no way in hell he'd actually start to feel sorry for that damn bastard. That arrogant asshole who just thought he could do whatever he liked to whoever he liked. Renji would never ever again be fooled by that man, not by his forlorn look when they'd stood in his office against the wall, not by his sudden kiss, not by that man's so-called problems. What did he want anyway? He could have everything he desired. Every fucking thing. What did he know of problems, of a life when you weren't sure how to get the next bite into a stomach that was starting to cramp from hunger?

Renji stalked into the bathroom, hands in fists, not even noticing that the pain from the night had almost fainted completely. He washed, dressed in his uniform and regarded himself in the mirror, forcing himself to look straight into his own brown-reddish eyes. He looked fierce, proud, strong, confident. But the longer he stared at himself, the clearer was that hint of thoughtfulness in his eyes, a hint of doubt. He turned his head away vehemently and stalked back into the main room, finally realizing he didn't hurt anymore. He smiled grimly. At least that he'd gotten right. He left his room with wide steps, suspecting by the morning light that he would be about an hour late. Good, it wouldn't make his captain think he was afraid to come, but it would not be a change in his normal behavior or attitude either. He huffed at that thought. There, now he was starting to build a mask for himself as well. Thanks, asshole.

On the way to the office he met Rukia and was thankful for the fact that she indeed acted as had their short clash the day before not even happened. She eyed him warily though, as soon as they started walking side by side, but did not ask. They made their way silently until they parted each on their way to their respective headquarters. Then as they had already turned away from each other, he heard her call out for him.

“Oi Renji! How 'bout a really big dinner? Like, all-you-can-eat?”
Since her rather long stay in the living-world she liked to use comparisons like that, and he grinned a lopsided grin as he walked back up to her.

“What about it. If you pay, sure. Ya know I take everything that's free.”
“Yeah, thought so.”
But then she hesitated. She had thought about this for a while now and still wasn't sure if she should really ask him or not. It didn't seem to be the best time to bring this up, but she could not wait much longer, since the event was in three days already.

“See, there's this big clan meeting in three days that I have to attend to as well. Which means lots of foot and boring old people and... I really hate to be there and told him I wouldn't come—wasn't serious but seems he took it that way. So, nii-sama said I could invite someone, one person for myself... What?”

Renji's eyes had first widened, but now his face grew dark. He shook his head, then took a step backwards.
“Rukia, I really don't think...”

“C'mon, you're the only one I can ask, nobody else is... weird and funny enough to keep me from yawning myself to death with those... old... creepy geezers.”
She made a face.
“And you're brother's Fukutaichou, so it doesn't even look all too out of the ordinary for him either.”

How could she have known this would be impossible for him? Sure she had noticed that they obviously had some kind of conflict going, but as far as she knew Renji, she would have expected him to rather gladly take the possibility to get a huge amount of food completely free and still have the chance to annoy his captain with his presence. No, Renji didn't blame her for asking him, but at the thought of sitting for hours at the same table with Byakuya made his guts cramp and successfully erased all feelings of hunger completely. But when he looked at her she'd put on her puppy look and even though he liked to pretended he wasn't affected by it at all, of course it worked perfectly well on him.

“Why don't ya just.. don go at all!”
“'cause I can't... Nii-sama never let's me off those, you know how convincing he his.”
She rolled his eyes and failed to see Renji flinch.

Convincing indeed... a small voice mocked in Renji's head as his friend looked at him questioningly.
“Nah, really... look, really, I dunno, ok? Can't promise, will see what I can do. Now I really have to go.”
He almost fled from her, turning around and walking off in wide steps before she could say anything more. She watched him go, mouth open to object but not getting the chance. Then her eyes narrowed in worry.

What had happened? Why didn't he tell her? Since when did Renji not run into battle, some bold provocations on his lips, sword raised, ready to take on about all and everything in his way? When did he start hiding something from her that was so important that it started to change who he was?

Finally she turned to walk in the direction of her own squad's headquarters, eyes fixed on the ground, hand gripping the hilt of her pristine Zanpakutou firmly, trying to wrap her mind around what might be wrong with Renji.

What had her brother done to him?


~~~