Do Words Make a Bit of Difference?
folder
Bleach › Het - Male/Female › Renji/Rukia
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
16
Views:
6,697
Reviews:
30
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Bleach › Het - Male/Female › Renji/Rukia
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
16
Views:
6,697
Reviews:
30
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I don't own Bleach, though I would totes sleep w/ Tite Kubo- he's so on my list. I also make no money from writing this.
Speak in Tongues
It’s been nearly twenty years since the winter war and needless to say, since I’m here, writing this ridiculous mess down, we won. As much as any side can ever truly win a ferocious and bloody battle. Sometimes it was like a wholesale slaughter, and what I took away from the experience were scars and a whole new collection of nightmares to keep me up at night. Yay.
I'm not the only one, and I'm not the worst affected. So many of us ‘victors’ left the battle field with pieces of our soul missing; Momo, Kira, Matsumoto, Komamura, Shuuhie, even the Captain-Commander to a certain extent. Treachery is an ugly business all around, especially for those left behind…
It was easy after the war to lose myself in work. It was even easier after the promotion. So much was so fucked up. My team was mistrustful- and who could really blame them? I had to prove to them and to myself that I could do the job, that I was different from their previous leader. What else can I say other than, Ichimaru’s poison lingered long after his death. The trust I gained from the team was hard won, but diamond bright and hard once they gave it. I wanted that achievement to be enough.
I suppose one could say that I slid on a mask, like a pair of old sunglasses. Once I'd made sure that mask was secure and put my nose to the grindstone and lost myself in the work. It didn't leave much time for anything close to resembling a social life. But, hey, after a while the mask was more me than I was, so I didn't miss 'the scene' all that much.
Perhaps it was fortuitous that my home, my squad- the Third Division- was also known as Despair. I found purpose there, even if it was empty. Hey, if nothing else, we're all in great shape physically, since I push us all beyond the brink of exhaustion almost every day.
I try to be grateful. No, I am grateful. I have a life that far exceeds any expectations I had as a kid back in Inuzuri. Hell, I have life, which is more than I can say for some of the people I've called friends. I look at what I've done and I'm amazed I got this far, especially since sometimes it feels like my purpose is empty. It's funny how time flies and the twists and turns this ride called life takes.
I really, really didn’t want to re-hash all this shit. That box was locked away, all tight and secure, deep inside my chest for so long. Unfortunately, Unohana-taicho was disinclined to prescribe me further sleep aids without a ‘Good Purge’, I believe she called it. I’m not so sure I follow her logic, but even now, I’m not necessarily known for my keen intellect.
When I asked her what about the war I could possibly add to what’s already been written she gave me that 'look' of hers. Gods, it was yet another of those supremely uncomfortable moments in my life when she followed the look up with “You know who and what plagues you the most, Captain. I don’t believe it’s the war.”
Maybe she's right, I dunno. I’ve seen Rukia maybe a couple of dozen times since returning to the Soul Society after the end of the war. It’s always been a bit awkward, sure, but then we hadn’t exactly been bosom buddies for decades beforehand anyway. Does that lack of contact, of closeness really bother me anymore?
When we catch each other after a meeting, those few times I haven't been able to make a clean getaway, we make polite chit-chat about nothing much.
It usually sounds something like:
Me: “How’s the World of the Living assignment working out for you?”
Rukia: “Good, you know, lot's of work and...How’s captaincy treating you?”
Me: “Fine, just fine, too much paperwork, though. Speaking of which, I hear a stack calling my name… Look, it was nice to talkin' you again. See ya 'round."
Sometimes, she adds:
Rukia: "We should get together sometime. We haven't talked in a long time...”
Me: “I'm not so sure I've got the time."
Rukia: "Come on, it'd be nice to catch up."
Me: "OK then, sure." (I naturally have no intention what-so-ever of actually going, but it somehow adds to the polite distance we maintain.)
Rukia: "Maybe (insert whatever timeframe)?”
Me: “Oh you know, I’m pretty sure I have to do paperwork/train new recruits/attend a meeting/any other convenient activity (excuse?) to get me out of actually going… Definitely soon, though, eh? Goodbye, Rukia.”
Does avoidance make me a coward?
Seriously, I can hardly imagine anything worse than sitting at a table with no means of escape, hearing about… Ashido. I’m sure he’s africkin’ ass-hat of immense proportions swell guy and all, certainly a fuckin' bastard skillful and dedicated Shinigami, but I have absolutely no desire or the slightest need to hear Rukia go on about him.
Almost twenty years and I’ve dodged nearly every bit of gossip about those two. I know they went to Zaraki’s unexpected wedding together about ten years ago because I saw them, and that’s about all I can stomach knowing for certain. I’d like to maintain whatever ignorance I can about the whole thing. It is, after all, bliss.
Bad enough I had to ‘talk’ to Kuchiki after I got back to the Soul Society. Unpleasant and awkward are pretty much the only two words I can describe that conversation as. Though we got past that fairly quickly and my eventual promotion helped put some distance between us. I’m not invited to the Manor for tea or sake or anything, but it doesn’t affect our working relationship that I once offered for his sister.
Not that I even drink anymore anyway; I'm too afraid of spilling my guts if I do. Hell, I still have a bottle of premium sake Matsumoto gave me when I got my promotion. Untouched, unopened, dusty from sitting on a high shelf for too long. It tempts me from time to time, and sometimes I can feel the pull, the urge to have the fortitude to just let it all go in that blissful, alcohol-soaked oblivion. But, again, once drunk I have a tendency towards being loose in the tongue. Can't have a captain blabbing all over the Soul Society about lost love and heart-ache. Wouldn't be seemly.
I'd never admit it out loud, but I read poetry every so often. There's something about all the different ways cultures and people put words together to form something more, something beautiful out of syllables and syntax. The thing about poetry that strikes the biggest chord in me is how the entirety, the sum total, the end result is greater and more meaningful than the individual words.
I wonder if it would have made a bit of difference if I’d have managed to say something other than goodbye to Rukia. Something meaningful, something beautiful.
Lately, I've been somewhat unsuccessful in my attempts to avoid thinking about her. When that happens, when there are no more distractions, when there is no other way to concentrate on other more important matters... When she creeps in my thoughts like a kudzu vine, choking everything else out, I am often reminded of an old poem...
Though I go to you
ceaselessly along dream paths,
the sum of those trysts
is less than a single glimpse
granted in the waking world ~
Needless to say, I’ve felt foolish and self-indulgent putting all this crap (and I can think of no other word to describe it) on the stack of papers my fellow captain gave me. Very… Overly emotive. I wonder what to do with all of this now that I’m just about done. Burn it? Seems like an awful lot of work to put into something just to watch it go up in smoke. Put it in the back of my closet? Stick it in a drawer? Maybe for a while.
~*~*~*~*~
The chapter title is by Placebo. I was inspired to politely borrow the song (don't own, don't make money blablabla) mostly because I realized again, sadly, that there is still rampant homophobia out there. Details about my experience with it today are available on LJ if anybody's interested. Yaoi may not be my preferred reading material, but my best friend is gay, and I was shocked that there are people out there that have enough balls to be so open about their nasty, little opinions. That said, I didn't choose the song because of the sexual orientation of the band members, but because it's an awesome song. (Although it has to be said, the new drummer... UBER-SEXY. [Call me, babe, and I'll fuck you six ways from Sunday.] gurgle drool)
Onwards to other, happier topics:
SexyBleach- you rock, my friend. Quite simply, ROCK. If you haven't read her stuff, do it NOW.
Bill- thank you, darling, for your feedback as well as your trust and kind words.
*hugs*
~The poem is by Ono no Komachi, No. 658 in the Kokin Wakashu, and can be googled. There are a number of great sites which break it down from Japanese and offer insight I wish I could claim as my own. It's probably completely obvious since it was written in like the 9th century, but I do not own it, nor do I make any money from it. Hell, I didn't even translate it.
My muse and I are still arguing. She's all, "Trust me," and I'm like, "But I WANT A HAPPY FUCKING ENDING, BITCH." And she's responded, "Well, we're not done yet, are we?"
So there you have it... There will be more.
I decided to leave who Z married open... for now. It may come up later. But I'm still torn. So your opinions are still wanted...
Review, or rate or whatever you feel like. Just love with all your hearts and I'll be happy.
Happy Holidays, to one and all!
I'm not the only one, and I'm not the worst affected. So many of us ‘victors’ left the battle field with pieces of our soul missing; Momo, Kira, Matsumoto, Komamura, Shuuhie, even the Captain-Commander to a certain extent. Treachery is an ugly business all around, especially for those left behind…
It was easy after the war to lose myself in work. It was even easier after the promotion. So much was so fucked up. My team was mistrustful- and who could really blame them? I had to prove to them and to myself that I could do the job, that I was different from their previous leader. What else can I say other than, Ichimaru’s poison lingered long after his death. The trust I gained from the team was hard won, but diamond bright and hard once they gave it. I wanted that achievement to be enough.
I suppose one could say that I slid on a mask, like a pair of old sunglasses. Once I'd made sure that mask was secure and put my nose to the grindstone and lost myself in the work. It didn't leave much time for anything close to resembling a social life. But, hey, after a while the mask was more me than I was, so I didn't miss 'the scene' all that much.
Perhaps it was fortuitous that my home, my squad- the Third Division- was also known as Despair. I found purpose there, even if it was empty. Hey, if nothing else, we're all in great shape physically, since I push us all beyond the brink of exhaustion almost every day.
I try to be grateful. No, I am grateful. I have a life that far exceeds any expectations I had as a kid back in Inuzuri. Hell, I have life, which is more than I can say for some of the people I've called friends. I look at what I've done and I'm amazed I got this far, especially since sometimes it feels like my purpose is empty. It's funny how time flies and the twists and turns this ride called life takes.
I really, really didn’t want to re-hash all this shit. That box was locked away, all tight and secure, deep inside my chest for so long. Unfortunately, Unohana-taicho was disinclined to prescribe me further sleep aids without a ‘Good Purge’, I believe she called it. I’m not so sure I follow her logic, but even now, I’m not necessarily known for my keen intellect.
When I asked her what about the war I could possibly add to what’s already been written she gave me that 'look' of hers. Gods, it was yet another of those supremely uncomfortable moments in my life when she followed the look up with “You know who and what plagues you the most, Captain. I don’t believe it’s the war.”
Maybe she's right, I dunno. I’ve seen Rukia maybe a couple of dozen times since returning to the Soul Society after the end of the war. It’s always been a bit awkward, sure, but then we hadn’t exactly been bosom buddies for decades beforehand anyway. Does that lack of contact, of closeness really bother me anymore?
When we catch each other after a meeting, those few times I haven't been able to make a clean getaway, we make polite chit-chat about nothing much.
It usually sounds something like:
Me: “How’s the World of the Living assignment working out for you?”
Rukia: “Good, you know, lot's of work and...How’s captaincy treating you?”
Me: “Fine, just fine, too much paperwork, though. Speaking of which, I hear a stack calling my name… Look, it was nice to talkin' you again. See ya 'round."
Sometimes, she adds:
Rukia: "We should get together sometime. We haven't talked in a long time...”
Me: “I'm not so sure I've got the time."
Rukia: "Come on, it'd be nice to catch up."
Me: "OK then, sure." (I naturally have no intention what-so-ever of actually going, but it somehow adds to the polite distance we maintain.)
Rukia: "Maybe (insert whatever timeframe)?”
Me: “Oh you know, I’m pretty sure I have to do paperwork/train new recruits/attend a meeting/any other convenient activity (excuse?) to get me out of actually going… Definitely soon, though, eh? Goodbye, Rukia.”
Does avoidance make me a coward?
Seriously, I can hardly imagine anything worse than sitting at a table with no means of escape, hearing about… Ashido. I’m sure he’s a
Almost twenty years and I’ve dodged nearly every bit of gossip about those two. I know they went to Zaraki’s unexpected wedding together about ten years ago because I saw them, and that’s about all I can stomach knowing for certain. I’d like to maintain whatever ignorance I can about the whole thing. It is, after all, bliss.
Bad enough I had to ‘talk’ to Kuchiki after I got back to the Soul Society. Unpleasant and awkward are pretty much the only two words I can describe that conversation as. Though we got past that fairly quickly and my eventual promotion helped put some distance between us. I’m not invited to the Manor for tea or sake or anything, but it doesn’t affect our working relationship that I once offered for his sister.
Not that I even drink anymore anyway; I'm too afraid of spilling my guts if I do. Hell, I still have a bottle of premium sake Matsumoto gave me when I got my promotion. Untouched, unopened, dusty from sitting on a high shelf for too long. It tempts me from time to time, and sometimes I can feel the pull, the urge to have the fortitude to just let it all go in that blissful, alcohol-soaked oblivion. But, again, once drunk I have a tendency towards being loose in the tongue. Can't have a captain blabbing all over the Soul Society about lost love and heart-ache. Wouldn't be seemly.
I'd never admit it out loud, but I read poetry every so often. There's something about all the different ways cultures and people put words together to form something more, something beautiful out of syllables and syntax. The thing about poetry that strikes the biggest chord in me is how the entirety, the sum total, the end result is greater and more meaningful than the individual words.
I wonder if it would have made a bit of difference if I’d have managed to say something other than goodbye to Rukia. Something meaningful, something beautiful.
Lately, I've been somewhat unsuccessful in my attempts to avoid thinking about her. When that happens, when there are no more distractions, when there is no other way to concentrate on other more important matters... When she creeps in my thoughts like a kudzu vine, choking everything else out, I am often reminded of an old poem...
Though I go to you
ceaselessly along dream paths,
the sum of those trysts
is less than a single glimpse
granted in the waking world ~
Needless to say, I’ve felt foolish and self-indulgent putting all this crap (and I can think of no other word to describe it) on the stack of papers my fellow captain gave me. Very… Overly emotive. I wonder what to do with all of this now that I’m just about done. Burn it? Seems like an awful lot of work to put into something just to watch it go up in smoke. Put it in the back of my closet? Stick it in a drawer? Maybe for a while.
~*~*~*~*~
The chapter title is by Placebo. I was inspired to politely borrow the song (don't own, don't make money blablabla) mostly because I realized again, sadly, that there is still rampant homophobia out there. Details about my experience with it today are available on LJ if anybody's interested. Yaoi may not be my preferred reading material, but my best friend is gay, and I was shocked that there are people out there that have enough balls to be so open about their nasty, little opinions. That said, I didn't choose the song because of the sexual orientation of the band members, but because it's an awesome song. (Although it has to be said, the new drummer... UBER-SEXY. [Call me, babe, and I'll fuck you six ways from Sunday.] gurgle drool)
Onwards to other, happier topics:
SexyBleach- you rock, my friend. Quite simply, ROCK. If you haven't read her stuff, do it NOW.
Bill- thank you, darling, for your feedback as well as your trust and kind words.
*hugs*
~The poem is by Ono no Komachi, No. 658 in the Kokin Wakashu, and can be googled. There are a number of great sites which break it down from Japanese and offer insight I wish I could claim as my own. It's probably completely obvious since it was written in like the 9th century, but I do not own it, nor do I make any money from it. Hell, I didn't even translate it.
My muse and I are still arguing. She's all, "Trust me," and I'm like, "But I WANT A HAPPY FUCKING ENDING, BITCH." And she's responded, "Well, we're not done yet, are we?"
So there you have it... There will be more.
I decided to leave who Z married open... for now. It may come up later. But I'm still torn. So your opinions are still wanted...
Review, or rate or whatever you feel like. Just love with all your hearts and I'll be happy.
Happy Holidays, to one and all!