Black-and-Red Conflict

~~~Fifteen~~~
Turn

“Renji”, Byakuya tried tentatively as the other still stared ahead at the spot where Rukia and the servant had vanished from sight around a corner. The redhead took a step forwards as if he wanted to follow behind them, but then he turned, his eyes showing hurt and confusion before he could narrow them again at the noble.

“She will be back.”
The captain honestly tried to sound supporting in some way, but he wasn't very practiced in it and the words were hollow. To Renji they were just one more sting.

“Whadda ya know. Ya've no idea. What would ya know 'bout friendship or whadit feels like to have'er turn away like that,” the redhead snarled, the words an angry flood trying to cover that he'd just confessed how deeply this hurt him.
“Fuck this. Fuck you!! God, this shit's all your damn fault 'n the first place!”

Silence descended between them thickly and as Byakuya took a deep breath it was sounded almost unbearably loud. He trembled slightly as a wave of outrage took hold of him and he felt more than ever tempted to slap the redhead, or at least to raise his voice in denial if it hadn't been for that grain of truth in Renji's words. Instead the dark-haired man only glared at his lieutenant and then forced himself to take another deep breath. Then, as if in slow-motion, he lowered his head and closed his eyes.

“Yes,” he pressed out and his heart pounded against his rib cage heavily and his brows were knotted deeply as he looked back up to catch an expression of pure bewilderment on his lieutenant's face. Renji gaped at him, then turned his head away and back several times.
“What?”

“Yes,” Byakuya repeated, his voice even quieter than before.
Then, not able to stay still any longer, he turned and walked back down the hall. Renji stared after him for long seconds and eventually followed just before the noble could vanish around a corner. Surprise had successfully muffled some of his anger and his eyes rested on the back of his captain as he fell in step behind him.

Byakuya was sorry. He had apologized. He had admitted he had done wrong. He had just agreed without objection, that everything was his fault. Tattooed brows were knitted in confusion and he absent-mindedly raised a hand to scratch the back of his head. He could not help that his pulse quickened and hope suddenly filled his mind, so strongly that he was starting to bite his lip, because with it came the fear that all this was again just a tease, just the calm before another storm would rip him apart and leave him humiliated and hurt in its wake. His deep suspicion was hard to reign in, but for now he could do nothing more than follow. And so he did. Followed this man as he had followed him for such a long time, as he'd wanted to follow him always, until he would one day be able to walk abreast with him.

Byakuya did not stop or turn as he heard Renji behind him, but led them on towards the back of the mansion. Away from the formal rooms, away from the wing that accommodated his relatives, away from most of the servants, who were occupied with cleaning the remains of the dinner and serving the guests in their rooms. They would not come looking for their master unless he called them, for they knew he did not like to have them lingering close to him all the time.

So the two men were alone as they stepped through one more set of sliding doors and entered a small tearoom, small enough as that it could have been part of a normal house and not the great Kuchiki mansion. The doors across from them were slightly ajar and allowed a look onto a narrow patio and behind it a fraction of the great gardens, softly illuminated here and there by small lanterns. Byakuya stepped forward to open them further and allow the cool night air entrance. Then he turned to see Renji slide the door behind him shut, before the redhead stepped farther into the room, his posture speaking of uncertainty and skepticism.

When his captain did not start speaking but first carefully wound out of his haori, Renji wondered how much longer he would be able to keep his anxiety in check. But then his eyes caught several tiny movements Byakuya made – straightening a fold, pulling his sleeve down, flexing his wrists, a slight tremor of those long slender fingers – and the redhead suddenly realized why the noble did not just get on with it.

Kuchiki Byakuya was nervous, extremely so. The man who would hold his brush above a sheet of paper and sign it unflinchingly, even if it was a report that informed him of the death of a squad member, he who walked, talked and generally moved with utmost precision, never wasting a single motion needlessly, that man now tried to gain time. And if it were just moments, fractions of seconds through which he would be able to push further away from him that which he needed to say. It was so unbelievable that Renji could have laughed out loud if it had not been such an important observation. It was another thing that made Byakuya more human, turned him into a real person who could make mistakes, but would also able to regret them. He was again a bit more alive to Renji than he had been before.

“Byakuya...”
The noble's given name had left Renji's mouth before he could catch himself, but what he got in return was not the penal look he would have expected but just a slight frown before the gray eyes were averted again. The redhead started shifting his weight from one foot to the other, not able to stand the wait much longer. But finally, after what had seemed an eternity, the dark-haired man across from him opened his mouth to speak quietly.

“I am unable to explain why I did, what I did, but regret it. I had no right to force you to... that.”
He paused and carefully felt forward in his mind for the next words. He would not try to explain, he would not tell Renji about how close he had been to losing himself and about how something had just snapped inside of him when Hisana's name had been mentioned. Or how desperate he had needed something to hold onto afterwards and how Renji had been the one thing he had chosen then. He could not let Renji know how successful the other had really been in getting under his captain's skin, how easily he really broke through Byakuya's resolve even now.

“Your claws,” Byakuya started but then stopped and frowned deeply as he noticed how dangerous this revelation could be and every fiber in his body fought to make him stop talking, make him stop explaining, telling him that there was no need to, since he was supposedly always right. But he lifted his head against all those voices and looked straight into Renji's eyes.

“They have reached further than you yourself might realize”

His voice sounded strained now and he knew at the moment he spoke them that these were the last words he could say. He felt the heat of shame race throughout his body as well as the icy cold grip of his pride, which would not allow him even one more step. If Renji was not satisfied with this...

The lieutenant stood still in the middle of the room, his face tilted downward and partly hidden behind strands of hair. But still his eyes were on the noble. The muscles in his jaw worked and his fingers twitched against red silk at his sides as his mind raced.

Byakuya was by far the most difficult person the redhead had met so far and all those words felt so strange, so out of place coming from the noble's mouth that he found it hard to really grasp them, to comprehend and believe that Byakuya was really seriously regretting what had come to pass.

What Renji understood though, was that he could just leave now without another word and end it all like that. One look at the dark-haired man made it clear that this was all the apology Renji would get now. Hell, it might be the only apology he would ever get from the noble. Only this little, after the bastard had humiliated him, hurt him, treated him like dirt. But Renji forced himself to calm and try to look back at those last weeks objectively.

He had broken so many rules when it came to the proper behavior of a lieutenant that the bigger part of the other captains would have probably had him expelled long ago. Especially a man like Kuchiki-Taichou should have not been one to put up with him that long. So why had he? Renji had pushed on and on, even when he'd known for sure that Byakuya had been at his limit. Actually, he had put even more effort into it then and had eventually come upon a part of his captain's past that should have never been brought up. He shuddered at the memory of that morning and felt his face redden. And why all that? Why had it all come to this? Why were they not able to just live alongside each other peacefully?

Because Renji had wanted more and still wanted more. More than just being one other subordinate. Of course he wanted to surpass Kuchiki Byakuya, but it wasn't only that. He wanted to be the one the noble would open up and show his true feelings to. And when a few months ago, as answer to Renji's careful efforts of building up a deeper contact, Byakuya had pulled back instead and closed all walls around him, the redhead had been too proud to take no as an answer.

Not all of this was only the other's fault, Renji realized and slowly lowered his eyes. Now at least some pieces of the puzzle that was the man in front of him, fell into place. Renji had pushed too far and had had to feel the consequences of that. He had kindled a fire and burned himself on the blaze he had evoked. That was how things went, wasn't it? You earned what you sowed.

As he thought over the words that had just left the other's mouth, he noticed Byakuya had not actually asked to be forgiven, but had just stated that he regretted his actions. He would not ask for forgiveness. He was still too damn stubborn. But as Renji's mind slowly worked through this, he felt that instead of apologizing for the things he himself had done wrong, he maybe could just forgive Byakuya even without the other asking for it. Of course the way Byakuya had forced him that one night would not be something Renji could just get over as easily as that, but maybe after some time he would. Maybe all wasn't lost quite yet.

They have reached further than you yourself might realize.

That last sentence flashed through Renji's thoughts and he lifted his head again, a flicker of hope in his eyes. Maybe, all this had not been in vain. Maybe, there was one more chance.

“Taichou...”
He hesitated, not sure how to formulate this and cursing himself for his inability with words.
“I...could we...”
He sighed and scratched the back of his head, then paused as he saw the expression on Byakuya's face. The other's eyes had widened slightly and the tension was clear in the way he stood taut and straight. There was also a hint of relief in those gray orbs, Renji was sure of it.

“Maybe we... before everythin' got fuc- I mean, went bad...”

“Could we start anew?” The words were as much a suggestion for to what it might have been that Renji had wanted to say, as they were a request on their own.
“Yeah... yes, that's what I meant.”

Of course it was not possible to turn back time, both of them knew. It was not necessary to point that out to Renji, and Byakuya would not, because it would mean pointing it out to himself as well. Relief tried to capture him, but it was being dimmed by a slight fear. He had been forgiven? He wasn't completely sure, but it felt like it. He had got another chance, in any case. But if he stepped onto this path, if he agreed to start anew, it would completely change his life as he lived it. It would have consequences he could not plan, nor control or anticipate. He also knew that he was pretty limited when it came to other choices, though. Renji had by now become so important that already just the idea to simply forget all this was, in fact, ridiculous. After all he was the one who had went through all this just to get Renji here right now.

Byakuya slowly nodded. His face was serious and thoughtful, but the lieutenant did not ask for anything more now, not for a smile, not for more words, not for gratefulness. This one nod was, at least at the moment, all both of them needed to find at least some kind of meaning in all that had happened.

Renji himself returned the motion before he straightened visibly. He was not in his uniform and his hair was open and all over his face, his hands were slightly moist with sweat and he was sure that nothing he could do now would make this situation any more important than it already was. But he bowed nonetheless, keeping his head down for a few seconds before rising again.

“Kuchiki-Taichou.”

The captain nodded gravely.

“Abarai-Fukutaichou.”


~~~