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Happily Ever After
folder
Bleach › Het - Male/Female
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
4
Views:
3,198
Reviews:
3
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
1
Category:
Bleach › Het - Male/Female
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
4
Views:
3,198
Reviews:
3
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
1
Disclaimer:
I do not own Bleach, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Good Advice
Fiction rating: PG-13
Genre: Humour/Grotesque
Spelling, idiomatic expressions and vocabulary: British, so don’t accuse me of making spelling mistakes or using words that do not exist in Webster’s Comprehensive Dictionary of the English Language!
Characters: Hisagi Shuuhei, a remark about Kurosaki Ichigo
Summary: How to prepare yourself for parenthood – instructions for men.
Background music: "Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da" performed by The Beatles
Disclaimer: “Bleach” is not my own creation and all the credit for it’s existence goes to Kubo Tite.
___________________________________________________________________________
The note Ichigo has given him read as follows:
1. To prepare yourself for fatherhood, you should go to the nearest chemist and give all the dosh you have on you to the pharmacist. Remember to arrange a regular direct debit of your whole salary to the bank account of the nearest supermarket.
"In a couple of years they have built
A home sweet home
With a couple of kids running in the yard"
2. In order to find out what your nights shall be like, you should walk around your bedroom with a wet bundle (weighing approximately ten pounds) in your arms from 5 p.m. till 10 p.m. At 10 p.m. put the bundle down, set your alarm-clock on midnight and go to sleep. When the alarm rings, get up, take the bundle in your arms and walk around your bed till 1:00 a.m. Set the alarm-clock on 3:00 a.m. Due to experiencing difficulties with falling asleep, get up and get yourself something to drink. At 2:45 a.m. go back to bed and get up when the alarm rings. Hum songs till 4:00 a.m. Set the alarm-clock on 5:00 a.m. Get up, make breakfast. Repeat activities described above every day for the next several years. Pretend to be fully satisfied with your life. Avoid calling your existence a “piece of shit” or any other names.
3. Hollow out an empty space inside the watermelon. Make a small hole of a size of the table tennis ball. Hang it on a piece of string and swing it like a seesaw. Prepare a bowl of a watery pulp and do your best to fill the swinging watermelon with half of it, using a teaspoon – pretend that you are an aeroplane. Spread the rest on your clothes. Now you may consider yourself prepared for feeding a one-year-old. In order to learn how to feed a crawling baby, smear the jam on all the pieces of furniture and curtains. Hide the fish behind a wardrobe and leave it there for a few months.
4. Putting clothes on babies and small children is quite a challenge: buy an octopus and a net. Try to wrap the octopus up in a net, remembering not to leave any of it’s arms protruding. You have the whole forenoon to accomplish the task.
5. Prepare everything you shall need to take with you before leaving home in the morning. Stand in front of bathroom door for half an hour. Leave home. Come back. Leave and come back again. Leave and stop several metres away from home. Come back home and leave again. Recede very slowly, taking a closer look at every object (such as a piece of a fag, chewing gum or a dead insect) lying on the pavement. Come back home, but do not go inside. Stand in front of it, scream as loudly as you can, until you attract attention of your neighbours and make them stare at you in bewilderment. Now you are ready to go with your child for a walk.
6. If you’ll have to go to the grocery to do the shopping – don’t forget to take anything that resembles a five-year-old with you. The goat should the most suitable creature. If you would like to have several children, take two or more goats. Pay for everything the goats will eat or damage.
7. Learn all the names of cartoon characters by heart. When you’ll realise that you are singing the song from “Bob the Builder” while taking a bath, you are ready to become a parent.
8. Remember to repeat everything you say five times (at least).
9. Before you become a parent yourself, observe people who already have their own offspring. Criticise them for being incoherent, impatient, for not teaching their children manners and allowing them to do whatever they want. Give them any advice necessary to help them solve their problems with bringing children up. Enjoy yourself – you won’t be such an expert on parenting ever again.
Bloody hell! He should have known. Shuuhei was terribly dissatisfied with his own dysfunctional mental processes and complete lack of self-preservation instinct.
"Obladi oblada life goes on bra
Lala how the life goes on
Obladi Oblada life goes on bra
Lala how the life goes on."
Explanatory notes:
Direct debit – electronic funds transfer
Dosh – money, cash
Fag - cigarette
Genre: Humour/Grotesque
Spelling, idiomatic expressions and vocabulary: British, so don’t accuse me of making spelling mistakes or using words that do not exist in Webster’s Comprehensive Dictionary of the English Language!
Characters: Hisagi Shuuhei, a remark about Kurosaki Ichigo
Summary: How to prepare yourself for parenthood – instructions for men.
Background music: "Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da" performed by The Beatles
Disclaimer: “Bleach” is not my own creation and all the credit for it’s existence goes to Kubo Tite.
___________________________________________________________________________
The note Ichigo has given him read as follows:
1. To prepare yourself for fatherhood, you should go to the nearest chemist and give all the dosh you have on you to the pharmacist. Remember to arrange a regular direct debit of your whole salary to the bank account of the nearest supermarket.
"In a couple of years they have built
A home sweet home
With a couple of kids running in the yard"
2. In order to find out what your nights shall be like, you should walk around your bedroom with a wet bundle (weighing approximately ten pounds) in your arms from 5 p.m. till 10 p.m. At 10 p.m. put the bundle down, set your alarm-clock on midnight and go to sleep. When the alarm rings, get up, take the bundle in your arms and walk around your bed till 1:00 a.m. Set the alarm-clock on 3:00 a.m. Due to experiencing difficulties with falling asleep, get up and get yourself something to drink. At 2:45 a.m. go back to bed and get up when the alarm rings. Hum songs till 4:00 a.m. Set the alarm-clock on 5:00 a.m. Get up, make breakfast. Repeat activities described above every day for the next several years. Pretend to be fully satisfied with your life. Avoid calling your existence a “piece of shit” or any other names.
3. Hollow out an empty space inside the watermelon. Make a small hole of a size of the table tennis ball. Hang it on a piece of string and swing it like a seesaw. Prepare a bowl of a watery pulp and do your best to fill the swinging watermelon with half of it, using a teaspoon – pretend that you are an aeroplane. Spread the rest on your clothes. Now you may consider yourself prepared for feeding a one-year-old. In order to learn how to feed a crawling baby, smear the jam on all the pieces of furniture and curtains. Hide the fish behind a wardrobe and leave it there for a few months.
4. Putting clothes on babies and small children is quite a challenge: buy an octopus and a net. Try to wrap the octopus up in a net, remembering not to leave any of it’s arms protruding. You have the whole forenoon to accomplish the task.
5. Prepare everything you shall need to take with you before leaving home in the morning. Stand in front of bathroom door for half an hour. Leave home. Come back. Leave and come back again. Leave and stop several metres away from home. Come back home and leave again. Recede very slowly, taking a closer look at every object (such as a piece of a fag, chewing gum or a dead insect) lying on the pavement. Come back home, but do not go inside. Stand in front of it, scream as loudly as you can, until you attract attention of your neighbours and make them stare at you in bewilderment. Now you are ready to go with your child for a walk.
6. If you’ll have to go to the grocery to do the shopping – don’t forget to take anything that resembles a five-year-old with you. The goat should the most suitable creature. If you would like to have several children, take two or more goats. Pay for everything the goats will eat or damage.
7. Learn all the names of cartoon characters by heart. When you’ll realise that you are singing the song from “Bob the Builder” while taking a bath, you are ready to become a parent.
8. Remember to repeat everything you say five times (at least).
9. Before you become a parent yourself, observe people who already have their own offspring. Criticise them for being incoherent, impatient, for not teaching their children manners and allowing them to do whatever they want. Give them any advice necessary to help them solve their problems with bringing children up. Enjoy yourself – you won’t be such an expert on parenting ever again.
Bloody hell! He should have known. Shuuhei was terribly dissatisfied with his own dysfunctional mental processes and complete lack of self-preservation instinct.
"Obladi oblada life goes on bra
Lala how the life goes on
Obladi Oblada life goes on bra
Lala how the life goes on."
Explanatory notes:
Direct debit – electronic funds transfer
Dosh – money, cash
Fag - cigarette