Reasons

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Did I really say that? Did I just reveal the deepest, most fervent desire of my heart? Reflexively, I released the grip I had on his arm, swiftly stepping away from him. I reached for my yukata to cover my nudity in a vain attempt to regain my dignity. Not wanting to see the disgust in those brown orbs or hear the cruel rejection of my unplanned confession, I fled, grateful for my shunpo mastery. In a few seconds I was safe inside my vast and lonely bedroom.

Stupid! I berated myself. Why did I reveal my feelings? I should have let him walk away; let him return to Ukitake's and celebrate. At least I would still have my pride. Now all I have is shame and heartbreak. Tears pricked my eyes. Rukia wouldn't return until tomorrow; I had plenty of time to bury my feelings and once again hide behind my stoic mask. Unless Ichigo confided in someone, my moment of weakness would remain a secret.

The tears threatened again; stubbornly, I refused to let them fall. I haven't shed a single tear since Hisana died. I would be damned if I gave into the pain of my love being rejected... again.

Dawn found me still lying awake on my futon. Sleep had eluded me; I rose and prepared myself for the upcoming day. I had two meetings, a mountain of paperwork that needed my immediate attention, and....the humans were returning to the real world this afternoon. As a taicho, it is my responsibility and duty to attend this event, even though the thought of facing Kurosaki filled me with despair. Could I stand there and calmly watch him walk away? What if he confronted me about my actions last night? The possibility of being humiliated in front of my peers caused my stomach to roil in nervous fear. Perhaps I should have Renji attend in my stead.

I shook my head, my unfettered hair swirling across my face and around my shoulders. No, I couldn't pass this to my fukutaicho. As head of the Kuchiki clan, I had to set the example. How would it appear if I failed to uphold the obligations of my position?

Sighing, I finished my ablutions and slowly made my way to my office. It was still early enough that most of the shinigami were still at their homes, so I didn't have the unfortunate need to stop and speak to anyone along the way. To my relief, none of my staff had made it in either. That gave me time to mentally prepare myself for the ryoka's departure.

I attempted to concentrate on my work, but my mind refused to cooperate. I managed to focus on the meeting with Hitsugaya, but the appointment with Ukitake was much more difficult. As he sat across from me, all I could think about was Kurosaki. I wondered if he had returned to the party after leaving my estate. My curiosity was immense, but I could not come up with a plausible excuse for asking about the celebration. I feared that the senior taicho would sense my interest in the human boy. To my extreme relief, no reference was made regarding any of the humans, nor was there any comment about Kurosaki's visit to my estate.

It was late that afternoon when Renji dared to knock lightly on my locked door. "Taicho? It's time. The gate will be opened soon. We need to go."

We? Did my fukutaicho intend to accompany me to the ryoka's departure? I opened the door and strode past the red-haired man. "Come," I ordered, not looking back. If he chose to follow, fine. If not, that was fine, too.

I grew nervous as we approached the area where the shinigami had gathered. I still feared that Kurosaki would confront me in front of everyone. What would I do? How would I explain my actions? Breathing deeply, I struggled to control the slight trembling of my hands.

"Are you okay, Byakuya?" Abarai Renji questioned, his sharp penetrating gaze studying me. "You look pale. Didn't you sleep well?"

"There is no need to be concerned, Renji. I am fine," I replied curtly. I just wanted to get this over with. The sooner Kurosaki and his friends returned to their world, the sooner I could begin to get over these unexpected and unwanted feelings for him.

"Nii-sama, Renji!" My sister yelled at us, waving her arm in a silent invitation for us to join her and the ryoka. Stiffening my spine, I followed my fukutaicho, successfully resisting the urge to run. Against my will, my eyes focused on him.

Kurosaki was uncomfortable. That was apparent in the way his eyes were constantly moving; the way he avoided looking at me. The one time our eyes did meet, his face reddened and he quickly averted his gaze

That was an eloquent, but silent, rejection of my momentary lapse of reason. The pain was excruciating. Being stabbed with Zangestu was far less painful and much less damaging. The wound he unconsciously inflicted shattered my heart and damaged my soul. It would have been more merciful for him to kill me. Instead, he has left me alive, to slowly die from the agony of wanting, of loving someone that I can never have. Kurosaki Ichigo, for me, is unattainable.

Ukitake stepped forward, speaking to the humans, casually touching the shinigami substitute; no doubt drawn to him due to his startling resemblance to Shiba Kaien. I've often wondered if that is what drew Rukia to him. I said a silent prayer that Rukia's interest in him was platonic. How ironic it would be if the Kuchiki siblings were in love with the same person. How would Yamamoto deal with that dilemma? How would our peers respond to that? What would Kurosaki say if faced with that choice?

Sensing someone watching me, I covertly glanced around without the slightest movement of my head. My eyes focused on Yoruichi, who was silently studying me, her intense gaze passing from me to Kurosaki and back again. I struggled mightily to present a calm demeanor, maintaining the arrogance that was an innate part of me. Inside, I was quaking, wondering..... did she know? Did he confide in her? Was she aware of my feelings for the human?

"It's no use, Byakuya. You may fool everyone else, but I can see through you. Your feelings for Ichigo are painfully obvious to me. Fortunately for you, I am the only one that realizes you have fallen for a human." She laughed softly, enjoying my discomfiture. "Don't worry. I won't tell anyone....and neither will he." She nodded her head at the orange-haired youth who was standing with his back to us. "Your secret is safe...for now."

She grew serious. "Be careful. If your family finds out about your feelings, who knows what they would do. You have defied convention twice--once when you married Hisana and then again when you adopted Rukia. They gave in on both of those situations--somehow I don't believe they will be as forgiving for this transgression. They know you are untouchable, but Ichigo is not."

A flash of anger coursed through me followed immediately by a deep fear. Fear for Kurosaki's life. I knew that Yoruichi spoke the truth. My family wouldn't hesitate to destroy the human shinigami if they suspected him of being a threat to them. For me to consider a relationship with a human is degrading enough for the Kuchiki clan.; for the human to be male makes the sin unforgivable.

My attention was diverted as the gateway once again opened. Yoruichi transformed back to her cat form, stepping up to the cluster of humans and shinigami. "Are you ready?"

Everyone nodded. "Take care of yourself, Rukia. I'll see you soon." With that cryptic statement, the group stepped into the portal and disappeared.

What did he mean by that parting statement? Did he plan on her traveling to his world or was it his intention to return here? Either way, it appeared that I would be hearing more about Kurosaki, whether I wanted to or not.

"Ichigo," I whispered, his name sounding strange to my ears, but rolling smoothly off my tongue. I found that I liked his name; it will be difficult for me to stop referring to him as Kurosaki. Yet, I want to use his given name. Calling him by his family name seems so impersonal. After all, he addresses me by my name and surprisingly, I am not offended by his casual familiarity. I just wish that he did so because he cared, not because that is just his nature.

I mentally shook myself, disliking the fact that my thoughts lately have been centered around the brash teen who has taken control of my heart, my soul. Now that he had gone back to the living world, perhaps I could concentrate on my duties, my responsibilities here in Seireitei. Taking a deep breath, I drew myself up, stiffening my spine. It was time to put all this behind me and once again take control of my life. Still, part of me, a very vital part of me, forced me to face a harsh painful truth.

I was going to miss him--his incredible, uncontrollable reaitsu, his untamable orange hair, his unconquerable spirit, his rare smiles.

Several weeks had passed since the ryoka departed from Seireitei. I worked constantly from dawn until well after dark, either taking care of my endless duties as a taicho or fulfilling my obligations as the leader of the Kuchiki clan.

As time passed, Rukia grew more concerned about me. She constantly commented that her nii-sama had grown thinner and paler. It was obvious that I was neglecting myself and working entirely too hard. She confided in Renji, but he had no advice or solutions to offer; neither of them had any idea as to what was driving me to work to the point of exhaustion.

It was four months later that several Menos Grande were detected in the living world. Immediately, the decision to send a taicho and his fukutaicho was reached. Yamamoto decided that Abarai and myself were the best shinigami for the assignment. We would be assisted by Kurosaki Ichigo; he had already been notified of our impending arrival at Urahara Kisuke's shop.

Outwardly, I was composed; the penultimate taicho. No one would ever suspect that my emotions were fluctuating wildly; fear, shame, and desire warring with each other in the deep recesses of my soul.

"Let's go, fukutaicho," I ordered in my normal expressionless voice. "We have a responsibility to prevent the Menos from destroying the human world or devouring numerous spirits." A new fear gripped me, knowing that Ichigo would be a target for the powerful hollows. I was also afraid that the reckless, impulsive youth wouldn't wait for help--he would attempt to fight without assistance. It was this thought that urged me to hurry up and pass through the portal.

I was relieved to arrive at Urahara's shop before Ichigo. This would give me a few precious moments to compose myself before once again facing my deepest desire. To my dismay, Yoruichi was present, her penetrating gaze studying, analyzing. She shook her head sadly.

"You still love him, don't you?" she queried softly, not wanting the others to overhear.

Denial was futile, and a verbal response unnecessary. My deep grey eyes answered for me. It was hidden deep within, but still detectable if you looked long and hard enough.

"I'm sorry, Byakuya. Is there no way...?"

"No." A bitter smile briefly touched my lips. "A relationship between a human and a shinigami? Especially one in my position? Impossible."

The sudden flood of reaitsu swirling around them alerted them of the rapidly approaching substitute shinigami. I breathed deeply, bracing myself for the onslaught of emotions that would assault me when Ichigo walked in.

Breathless, the orange-haired spirit slid to a stop in front of his mentors, his eyes lighting up with pleasure. "It's been a long time, Yoruichi." His gaze slid to the red-haired tattooed shinigami. "Renji. I'm glad to see you. How is Rukia?"

A broad smile curved my fukutaicho's lips. "Rukia is fine. She was pissed that she couldn't come on this assignment, but Kuchiki Taicho felt that it was too dangerous for her. She isn't ready to take on a Menos."

Finding it extremely difficult to remain in the same room with Ichigo, his reaitsu overwhelming me, I excused myself and stepped outside staring at the star-studded sky. This was going to be more challenging than I expected. I couldn't even stay in the same room with him--how was I supposed to fight with him by my side?

"Byakuya?"

This was not good. How could I have let myself be so distracted that I didn't even sense him walking up behind me?

"What do you want, Ichigo?" Kuso! I didn't mean to use his first name. I didn't intend to speak to him at all. I wanted to eliminate the Menos and return back to Seireitei. I refused to turn to look at him. I knew that if I did, my self-control and self-restraint would be severely tested.

His hand grabbed onto my arm, his lean fingers circling my wrist. "Did you mean it?"

"What?"

He pulled me around to face him, his fingers tightening slightly. "Back in Seireitei, at your pool. You said you wanted me. Did you mean it?"

There was no use in denying it; my eyes gave it away. "Yes," I whispered, focusing my attention on the ground, not wanting to see the rejection in his own beautiful eyes.

A gentle hand gripped my chin and lifted my face. My tear-filled grey eyes met his shimmering warm brown ones. "Byakuya.....I want you, too."

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Thanks to everyone who has bothered to read my ramblings. Please review! Arigato!!

Hell On Earth--Gomen! I didn't mean to confuse anyone. When I refer to Byakuya's family, I'm not talking about his parents. They are deceased. But there are other family members-uncles, cousins, etc... who feel that associating with anyone who isn't from a noble family is degrading to the Kuchiki name. These are the people that Byakuya is concerned about.