Echo

Same deal as the first. They read well together, very different, almost opposite views, but I like it, the flow and tempo of words and feelings. I hope you enjoy it and will take a minute to leave me a note. And thank shinigamisfish for her efforts and tolerance of my nagging and whining while I write. I'm so rude, I forgot to thank those who reviewed! Sweetsatincocoa, orionshadow, BeniHime, Tokyo Jazz, DuosAngel, and yaoihentaiqueen, thank you so much!


~Kira~


I should feel guilty. I really should. My nose brushes his collar bone and I bury my face in his chest, clutching at his sleeves. It hurts him so much, to hurt me, and he just can’t understand. I hear him talking to Yumichika late at night, when he thinks I’m asleep.

They huddle together like survivors of a storm, whispering and consoling each other. Even a hint of my waking sends Yumi darting away, so I have to be careful to stay still. Ikkaku was so worried I would be jealous or upset but I don’t care. Everyone knows anyway, it’s hardly a secret.

But they won’t interfere, I’ve already made certain of that. Even Zaraki got a visit and while he was hardly polite or tolerant, he did listen and nod as I left. He’ll do nothing. I thought it would be more embarrassing, to go to each and ask for their support, but no more so than it was to have everyone find out that I was being abused by Gin while they looked away. Even that is their shame, not mine.

It was abuse, I realize that, but it wasn’t all him. I realize that too. I like it, need it, need to hurt as well as be hurt. Just like Gin always said, I wanted it. Even if I didn’t recognize it at first, the restlessness, the unreasonable need, it is obvious now. Gin was my first master, my trainer, and no matter how much I hate him, he loved me well.

Ikkaku loves me too, more even, but he is a poor master. He holds my reigns with a soft grip, clinging to control by his fingertips, and touches me with trembling hands, his distaste showing clearly in his eyes. It makes me despise him just a bit, for making me feel like a freak. As if I don’t know I am strange. That I need things normal people shun.

Not merely the pain inflicted on my body, but the harm I cause with a soft whimper, a flinch away from his hand. As if I could be afraid of him. He is too gentle, too soft to rule me in truth. A reluctant leader is no leader at all.

I love him but he will never own me.

He is too kind to me and insists on saving me when I wander too far, straying in hopes of finding a true master. Even for a night would be adequate. But he pulls me back every time, swearing and grumbling before promising to give me what I need. I just can’t be so cruel as to tell him he is incapable of fulfilling my needs.

Each time, I smile quietly and follow, letting him take me back to our home. I let him bleed me, let him bruise my pale skin and suffer. I could never hurt him physically. I am too weak and he is not weak enough to let me. So I make him scream inside and watch it through the screen of his eyes.

‘Hurt me, Ikkaku. Please, please, make it stop.’ A few words that make him shudder under my hands. I hide my face to hide the silent laughter that comes instead of screams. He thinks me so innocent and takes all the guilt onto himself as my fingers trace his shoulders and the nape of his neck.

I don’t deserve his love, not someone like me. But, like any animal, if I can’t have it, no one else will either. I work hard, to give him a weak lover to protect, one that he must then turn around and hurt. He trains me steadily but I manage not to improve, no matter how long or hard he tries. It takes a lot of effort to keep from getting better.

I’ll bind him to me, with blood and guilt, love and shame. My needy demands on his honor. His greatest strength and worst weakness, he will protect me until he dies, even, or maybe especially, from myself. He does his best, hurts me and lets me hurt him, driving us both to the edge of sanity where we lean on each other desperately.

His stubborn love keeps us both sane and alive. I watch him sleep from under my lashes, the pain easing away in deep breaths. “I love you.” He doesn’t respond, only curls his arm around my waist even more tightly. “I wish it were different.” My name is mumbled and I close my eyes.

I should feel guilt but I feel nothing.








Now, the fun part. There will be people who don’t think Kira could be so cold, but he’s not, it’s just that he doesn’t feel guilt. He is who he is and he believes it is normal for him. Whether or not it is, is another story, but he believes it none the less. He loves Ikkaku but he can not get what he needs from him and hates him just a little for that, as we all hate our lovers from time to time when they fail us. I’m not sure I succeeded but I hope I made you at least sit back and think for a second. Thank you for reading. Please leave a review, whether or not you liked it.