Beyond the Hourglass

A/N: I should mention that all gramatical mistakes (comma errors, run on sentences, fragments, etc) are intentional, but feel free to note any spelling errors.

Existentialism

He awoke feeling the morning sun on his face. He could feel a warm pressure gripping his hand and he smelled something like cinnamon and then he remembered the previous night but he did not become sick, because he could smell the person who had saved him. And then he realized that he did not even know who had saved him, so he opened his eyes and saw Renji sitting there by his side, his head lowered, eyes closed, obviously asleep, but unintentionally so. He smiled.

His movement caused Renji to stir from his sleep, and he looked genuinely happy to see Ichigo finally awake.

“You awake?” Renji asked.

“No, you’re dreaming.”

“It’s too early for sarcasm.”

“Th-thank you. . . for not leaving me alone.”

“It was nothing, really.”

“You’re the one who found me?”

“Yeah. You were in pretty bad shape, but you seem to be doing better. What happened?”

“I’d rather not talk about it right now.”

“You don’t have to if you don’t wanna, but you really should get it off your chest soon.”

The thought of having to talk about it made him think about it and thinking about it brought on a panic attack and suddenly he wanted to be alone, and yet not alone, but he did not want to see Renji, but he did not want him to leave either and then he felt an arm around him and he breathed in his scent and he calmed down a bit and then he felt better and he felt guilty over being such a bother to his friends but he did not care because Renji was pulling him closer and he felt safe again and he did not want the moment to end, but after a few minutes Renji loosened his grip and started to talk, but Ichigo did not understand a word of it.

“Are you even listening to me?” Renji asked, slightly annoyed.

“Sorry, I was kinda distracted.”

“I was sayin’ that it’s not healthy to keep this kind of stuff bottled up inside and that I’m your friend and I’m here to listen if you need me to.”

“Okay. . . but later. It’s still too soon.”

And then he let go, but Ichigo did not panic. Renji was still there; he would not leave him alone. And his scent, it was still there, its presence a calming reminder of his existence. It was nice to not feel alone.

They remained like that for a while, hardly touching, but still sharing an intimate moment. Their eyes met, Ichigo’s with a look of insecurity, Renji’s with a look of support. Renji leaned in, his lips inches from Ichigo’s. He hesitated. Ichigo took the initiative and closed the gap, their lips meeting in sweet indecisiveness. And Ichigo thought that this was not so bad, and he really did not want this to end and he wrapped his arms around Renji, pulling him closer, craving his warmth and Renji did not seem to mind so he took it a bit further and then he heard footsteps and they separated and tried to act like nothing had happened but they were both still flushed and they looked oddly suspicious.

“Ah, Ichigo, you are awake. I was wondering if you would ever come around,” Urahara announced upon entering the room, “I wasn’t interrupting anything was I?”

They nodded.

“Good. I am glad to report that your injuries were mostly superficial and that you should be mostly healed by now and. . .”

Ichigo could not pay attention. He knew he should, that what Urahara was saying was important, but he was too distracted by Renji’s presence. They had kissed. He had actually kissed Renji, and he liked it, and Renji reciprocated. Or, at least, he thought he had. Had he actually just made that part up in his mind, had Renji really been disgusted by him, would he leave him now? He would. Renji would hate him, and he would be alone again, and he would just die, because he would not have a reason to live anymore, because everyone would hate him for being the dirty slut he was. But then he noticed that Renji had not left him, and he could still smell him, and then he really wished Urahara would leave so he could sort this out with Renji. As if reading his thoughts, Urahara announced that he had business to attend to elsewhere, and had to leave them alone for a bit. They were alone.

“Um. . . that kiss. . . does that mean. . . ?”

“I think so. . .”

“So what now?”

“Do you want to talk about it yet?”

“I think so. But I need you to promise that you’ll stay here with me.”

“Okay.”

He told him everything. About the hollow, the man from the shadows, how he had tried to fight him, but the man was faster, how he had lost hope and felt alone and felt dirty, like a slut, and how it had aroused him. And the man had kept going, he had screamed, pleaded, for him to stop but he had kept going but then he had stopped and he was alone and he had just wanted to die but then someone had picked him up and he had felt safe and then he broke down into tears and Renji just hugged him and waited.

“Thank you,” Ichigo said, looking up, “I needed that.”

“That’s what I’m here for,” Renji said as he leaned in for another kiss. “We need to inform Soul Society about this. This man sounds very dangerous.”

“Yeah, we probably should, but. . .”

“But what?”

“But I’m afraid everyone will hate me.”

“They won’t.”

“But—“

“But nothing. I won’t let them.”

Ichigo smiled at that. And then he remembered that he felt dirty and really needed a shower and Renji agreed that a shower was a good idea and Renji went off to find Urahara to inform him of this need and before five minutes had passed Ichigo was taking what was perhaps the most relaxing shower he had ever had.