Desperation

The trip to the hospital was excruciating. Ichigo had called 911 the second he had gotten over the shock of barely being able to feel a pulse on Ishida’s neck. He had been pushed aside when the paramedics had come in, his body starting to shake as he watched everything they were trying to do to save Ishida…

Save him…

Ishida was dying…

Ichigo’s back hit the wall when the paramedics strapped an oxygen mask to Ishida’s face, a small measure of relief coming to him when he saw his friends chest start to rise and fall again. He didn’t know exactly what was going…what all the tubes, wires and machines were for but he knew none of it could be good. He was phasing out now, tears coming to his eyes as he thought about how his life would be without Ishida. It would be horrible…absolutely horrible. The teen didn’t even notice the paramedic until he was being forcefully shaken out of his thoughts by the man.

“Kid! Snap out of it! I need you to tell me what drugs your friend is taking.”

“Drugs?” Ichigo asked, his eyebrows furrowing before he shook his head. “No way, Ishida doesn’t do drugs.” He looked confused for a few moments as he thought back on everything that had seemed different about Ishida over the past few months. The weight loss…the paleness of his skin…the way he seemed distant and his blood shot eyes… “No…he can’t be…”

“Lets take reality for a spin, shall we? Your friend is suffering from a major drug overdose exacerbated by alcohol consumption. If you don’t tell us what drugs he’s taking, he could die.”

Ichigo had ended up being no help. He really hadn’t known Ishida had been taking drugs, he had seen all the signs, yeah, but he wasn’t a doctor by any stretch of the imagination so he couldn’t have diagnosed drug addiction. The teen had run to the ambulance when the paramedics carried Ishida out, only permitted to ride with him because they lived together. He had never ridden in an ambulance before but he really didn’t care about the newness of the experience, he was just watching the men do everything they could to keep his best friends heart beating. It was beyond nerve wracking, watching Ishida seem to fade in front of his eyes. Ichigo hadn’t understood what was going on when the paramedics seemed to start moving faster, panicking a bit themselves, he didn’t understand until he heard a noise that made his heart drop.

Ishida had flat lined…two minutes from the hospital.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ichigo was walking around as if in a blur. It was three days after he had found Ishida lying on the floor in their apartment…three days since he had watched his best friend…die in the back of an ambulance. The orange haired teen jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder, looking up at the one touching him with glassy eyes.

“Ichigo…”

It seemed the name was all it took for him to break down. He dropped his books with a loud, clattering sound in the almost empty school hallway, a sob tearing out of his already sore throat before he was pulled into warm, comforting arms. Ichigo clung to the one holding him, crying tears of pure sadness and loss into his shirt. He couldn’t help but think of all the things he hadn’t done with Ishida that he had wanted too…he had never even told him…that he loved him. He had never even tried…

“Shhh.” Chad whispered, running his big hands over Ichigo’s shaking back, trying to comfort him in the only way he knew possible. He could see how hard this was hitting Ichigo…he hadn’t seen him cry since his mother had died. He had thought for a long time now that Ichigo would never cry again.

Chad had no idea how often he would see Ichigo cry now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Are you ok?”

Ichigo ignored the words, turning away from the concerned faces and burying his head in his arms. It had been the same thing all day: Are you ok? Is there anything we can help you with? I’m so sorry for your loss. We know you miss him. Do you need someone to cry on? It was driving him fucking insane! They were all acting like they could do something for him…like they could make it all better with their kind words and comforting gestures. Well they couldn’t! All he wanted was his best friend back, could anyone give him that?!

“We just want to help…”

Ichigo jerked at the soft hand on his shoulder, suddenly lashing it out and smacking it away, a completely devastated look in his eyes. “You know what will help?! You leaving me the hell alone!” He left after that, knocking his chair over with how quickly he had gotten up, almost breaking the handle on his bag as he jerked it with him. He stomped out of the room after that, making his way to the roof of the school where he knew he could be along at least for a few moments. The bag fell with a clang as Ichigo slid to the ground, leaning his back against one of the storage sheds on the roof. He was crying again but he didn’t care, the tears seemed to be a constant in his life now.

“Ishida…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“He’s not going to help at all with the preparations?” Ichigo asked, looking shocked and highly annoyed at the same time. The teen was looking more haggard by the day, his eyes dark with depression and blood shot from the tears he constantly shed. It didn’t help that he was now planning Ishida’s funeral with little to no help.

“Ryuuken has paid-”

“Paid?!” Ichigo caught her off, his fists landing on the table and rattling all the papers around him. “He’s paid? Ishida is his son!” Ichigo caught off at that, leaning down to catch his breath before continuing. “Ishida is his only son and he won’t even help with his funeral?! What kind of shit is that?”

“He just-”

Ichigo cut her off again, sweeping the papers off the table as he stood. “He just? He just what?! He just thought putting this all off on his best friend, his teenage best friend was a good idea?! What kind of sadistic bastard is he?!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Less then a week later, Ichigo was attending his best friends funeral…the funeral he had, had to plan. It was almost…ominous, the silence in the room when the pastor got up to speak. It was the first time he had stopped crying, well, it felt more like he didn’t have any tears left. The orange haired teen was sitting in the front row, his eyes looking almost dead, his skin almost as pale as Ishida’s had been the day before…that…

It was the quintessential funeral march as they walked up to the casket, looking inside and saying their final farewells to the boy who had died far too soon. Ichigo couldn’t help but listen to the old ladies in front of him, his mind wandering until he heard them say something utterly preposterous. “What?” He asked, looking less then amused as they looked back at him.

“We were just saying…”

“What? He looks good?” Ichigo asked, the outburst causing Chad to come up and grab his shoulders soothingly. “He’s dead! He can’t look good!” He was being pulled back after that, Chad arms around him as he shook almost violently. “Dead…” Apparently he had been wrong because those were tears coming to his eyes, tears burning his eyes as he bent at the waist, feeling sick all over again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’d rather go alone.” Ichigo said softly, his hand shaking as he held the black rose. He had been there through all of it, he had gone to the grave side, he had seen the casket lowered into the ground and the overly elaborate headstone placed above it. He hadn’t been able to approach the grave until everyone else had left…he needed to be alone, he needed to see Ishida on his own…even if it was only seeing his grave.

“Are you sure?” Chad asked, reaching out to touch his hair gently, smoothing it back from his pale face.

“Yeah…thank you though.” Ichigo said softly, brushing the hand back before trying to smile…and failing spectacularly. He walked away after that, making his way to the fresh grave and falling to his knee’s in front of his, his hand gripping the rose, making the thorns dig into his palm painfully. “Ishida…” The teen said softly, letting his head fall as he shuddered a bit. “I…I should have noticed…I should have done something about it…” The words barely came out as a whisper as tears clogged his throat again, making it hard for him to breath as well as speak. “God…I…I loved you so much…and I never told you!” He let the rose fall from his hands after that, the whole world seeming to move in slow motion before stopping, the flower only half way to the ground.

“Ichigo…”

Ichigo looked around for the voice, his world seeming to blur on the edges. “What?”

“Ichigo…”

He jumped at that, looking around again before blackness started to creep in on him, making him panic a bit as he got just a bit closer to the headstone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ichigo!”

Ichigo’s head jerked up as the table under it was jerked, the loud noise from a fist hitting the surface making him snap back to reality faster then he thought he could. “What?” He asked, looking totally and utterly confused. He glanced down at his hand, feeling the lingers pain but not seeing anything their. “What’s going on?”

“Ya looked like ya were havin’ a bad dream, so we woke ya up.” Renji said, leaning his head on his hand and looking at his orange haired friend. “The medics said tha sedative would keep ya out for a few hours but ya looked like ya were havin’ one hellova dream.”

“What…dream?” Ichigo asked, sitting up and looking around. “Where am I?”

“We’re at the hospital.” Ohrihime said, looking at Ichigo with a confused look on her face. “Remember…with Ishida.”

“With…what?” Ichigo asked, starting to shake a bit. They were at the hospital…with Ishida… “Why are we here?” He asked, pulling a hand through his disheveled hair.

“We’re waiting on the report on Ishida‘s condition.” Chad said, reaching forward to touch Ichigo’s forehead. “Are you ok?”

Ichigo took a deep breath, shaking a bit. “It can’t be…all a dream?” He asked before letting his head fall against the table with a thump, an almost laugh coming from his throat. “It was all a dream…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AN: Hmmm, I don’t know what I can really say about this without spoiling it for everyone…so I’m just going to say, don’t kill me!

Read the WHOLE chapter before stopping, I promise, the ending is worth it!

*smiles and bounces* And yes, this is just the second chapter, there will be more.

Thank you so much for reading and remember, favs and comments are loved!!