Austure

She woke up in the dark, cold and, as always, hungry. The familiar warmth that should have been at her back was gone and she flopped a hand behind her to see if he had just shifted away or if he was really not there. She rolled over and squinted in the dark, trying to see if he was there. He wasn’t.

She held her breath and carefully inched her way through the sleeping bodies to the doorway of their little hidey hole. She gently pushed aside the curtain to the outside and peeked her head out. Moonlight washed everything in silver, and for a moment that dank, little alley way was beautiful. She heard the rustle of fabric, and the muted hiss of a sharply indrawn breath. Her head swiveled automatically to locate the source.

Renji was propped against a wall; his head pitched back, the sharp lines of his face edged in stark shadows as his eyes squeezed shut so tightly she could see wrinkles at the corners. His mouth was open as he breathed shallowly. His knees were up, his hands between them. She saw his forearm move faster and faster, up and down, up and down.

His teeth sank into his bottom lip as he exhaled slowly and shuddered. His left knee fell to the side, and she saw that his fist was wrapped around his sex. What she could see of it looked different than when she’d snuck glances at it when he bathed. Curiosity and discomfiture warred as she stared at him, wanting to look away, but unable to do so. There was something glistening on his hand, something that caught the moonlight and shimmered.

His eyes opened, and he slowly turned his head in her direction. She shrank back, not wanting him to know that she’d seen whatever that was.

“Go back to bed, Rukia,” he said in a quiet, rumbling voice he’d never used with her.

Something inside her quivered at the unfamiliar tone, and she stuck her head back out to glance at him. He was tucking himself back into his hakama, but he looked up the instant her eyes made contact with his familiar form.

“What were you doing?” she asked quietly.

He looked away and slowly inched his way to a standing position.

“You know, with your… thingy. What were you doing?” she asked again, perplexed, but persistent.

His chuckle was low and slow as he pivoted his head to look at her once more. “Jeez,” he said in barely a whisper, as the corners of his mouth quirked up, “if you’re gonna call it something, it should be something a little more grown-up than that. Dick, maybe? Off you go, I’ll be in soon.”

She shook her head, “I wanna know, Renji. Come on, you can tell me.” She tried to sound older, more mature, but she didn’t think she pulled it off.

A cloud passed over the moon, throwing darkness and deep shadows over everything. He didn’t move, just crossed his arms over his chest. “Go inside, Rukia. Now. I mean it.”

She knew that tone, and figured she’d better cut her losses. Besides, she could always ask him later. Not likely she’d ever forget what she’d seen.

~*~

She didn’t wake up anymore when he didn’t sleep next to her. This time it was the sound of twin sighs and a muffled groan that disturbed her sleep. She cocked her head listening intently for the source. It was coming from the roof. With the smoothest motions she could manage, the better to not disturb anybody else, she edged her way out of the room filled with curled up sleeping kids.

She’d always been good at climbing things, always loved being up high, so getting up the uneven wooden wall was no problem. Her toes dug into a divot when she reached the top and she gripped the top with fingers made strong from countless climbs in the past. Her hair blew into her eyes and impatiently whipped her head to the side so she could see.

Two bodies twisted, naked, against each other. She struggled to reconcile what she’d seen of sex before with what she was now confronted with. Her fingers burned as she gripped the edge even tighter. She would have recognized his hair anywhere, even though he never wore it loose like it was now, draped across the belly and thighs of a girl (woman?). Her back arched as his head dipped and nudged between her thighs. Her breasts were bigger than anything Rukia could ever hope to achieve, and she felt a moment of envy that the other would be so well-endowed.

An unfamiliar tremble in her thighs, a warmth deep in her gut spread as she watched and listened. It was the girl who made the most noise, almost drowning out the small sounds Renji made as he did whatever it was between those long, white, perfect legs. Rukia could almost feel his fingers on her own skin as they sank into the flesh of the other.

He raised his face, and between the hanks of his long red hair, made almost black in the moonlight, she saw the shine of his eyes, the flash of his smile, something glistening on the lower half of his face before he returned to his task. She let go of the wall, and dropped to the ground in a crouch, the hands between her thighs bracing herself from falling forward.

She sat like that until she heard a long, drawn out, but muffled moan. Her legs cramped from holding the position for so long, but she couldn’t bring herself to move. She heard soft footsteps above, then the mistakable sound of someone dropping to the ground on the other side of the building. Next was a quiet ‘oof’, and whispers, and Rukia fell backwards, unable to hold the crouch anymore. She lay like that, looking up at the dark night sky, arms straight down her body, hands grazing the inside of her thighs.

More quiet footsteps against the gravelly dirt she lay on. She closed her eyes, trying to rid her mind of the scene she’d watched. Her heart felt curiously heavy and her skin tingled. Her small nipples felt like they did when she was cold and they puckered, fabric catching them every time she breathed in. Something felt heavy between her legs, as if she moved her fingers just a little something would happen.

When she finally opened her eyes, Renji was looking at her. He stood perfectly still above her, only the spiky ends of his ponytail moving in the breeze. She wouldn’t cry. She didn’t know why she felt like she should or could, but she wouldn’t. His face was a shadow, she couldn’t pick out his features, and she’d have liked to know what look he was giving her.

“Go to bed, Rukia,” in the tone she’d only heard from him once before.

She shook her head, feeling the gritty dirt under her hair. He sat down next to her, and she could hear the sigh he gave. He smelled different. “What were you doing?” she asked in a small voice, even though she wanted to ask Who was she and Why not me.

“You’re too young to understand,” was what he finally said after a long pause.

The tears she’d held back slipped out, despite her best intentions, sliding down the sides of her face, over her ears, into her hair. She didn’t know why.

She got up and quietly made her way back to her spot among the others. She lay there for a long time, staring into the darkness, waiting for him to come back inside. He didn’t.

~*~

He didn’t sleep behind her anymore. She told herself she didn’t care. Things stayed like that for a long time, the easy laughter and companionship somehow gone. They stole what they needed in daylight and met up right before dark. He didn’t sleep behind her, but she was always there in those dark hours of night, within easy reach if he wanted her. The last time she’d seen him, she'd whispered, “Don’t need you anymore,” at his back.

That was the day she didn’t return to him and the others. She heard that he was looking for her. When she heard that, she’d laugh and tell the messenger she was fine and if they saw him to tell him to let go. She wasn’t too young anymore. She knew exactly what he’d been doing.

She didn’t sleep much anymore, too many dreams, too little safety. But she still lay down and pretended he was behind her, that his easy warmth seeped into her skin, that his arm draped across her middle kept the nightmares away. He found her like that one night, awake, but feigning sleep. She could smell him, hear him, she knew it was him, but she was frozen. She wanted to run, but she couldn’t.

This time the words he spoke in that singular tone weren’t a command to go away or to go to sleep.

“Look at me, Rukia, open your eyes and look at me,” he said. His heat, she missed that heat.

She rolled on her side and faced away from him, but she opened her eyes. His hand, its pressure on her arm so familiar as he jerked her to lie on her back. Her eyes stared up, purposely avoiding looking to the side and catching even the smallest glimpse of him. She could be strong. He thought she was just a kid, a burden to protect. She didn’t want that, she didn’t need that anymore.

She heard the hiss of fabric as he shifted and saw his face loom over hers. She closed her eyes again, determined to stay strong, not to give in. She was fine, just fine on her own.

“Why?” that one word sounded almost sad, and she wasn’t sure what to make of it.

Why should he care? It was a surprise that he roughly picked her up by the arm, wrenching her up into a sitting position facing him. Her eyes opened of their own accord and she looked at him for the first time in months. His face was familiar and not all at once, and she choked on any words she might have said.

He shook her, “Why?”

Her eyes slid away and she tried to pry his hand off her arm. He only held on tighter. Her heart was banging in her chest and she noticed that the ties of her shirt had come undone as she struggled. Her eyes flew to his face, and she saw that his were focused lower now. She heard his breath catch, and she struggled harder to get away.

He pushed her back down, and for the first time since she’d met him, she felt a tickle of fear. His fingers dug into her arm as he held her down, held himself above her. It was impossible to look away from him. His face hard in shadows, unfamiliar. His breath was harsh on her face as he grabbed her exposed breast with his free hand.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. But she still arched into his touch, still wanted him like this. The kiss wasn’t like the fumbling, unsure kisses she’d shared before. His teeth scraped her lips until she opened her mouth. Then his tongue invaded and she lost her train of thought. Her free arm wrapped around him and his weight settled over her.

She hadn’t noticed him peel off her clothes, but she finally noticed the cool breeze against her legs. Too far gone to protest, she watched from a small rational corner of her mind as he let go of her arm and fumbled with something at his waist. Distantly, she recognized his hand at her core, something hard and hot pushing there. The pain was sharp and intense as he penetrated her.

His hand pushed over her mouth as she screamed. In her mind she crumbled, curled into a tiny ball, unable to watch anymore as he forced more of his dick inside her. All she could think as the pain finally settled was that it wasn’t supposed to be like that. She forced her eyes open to look at him above her. There was nothing of the softness she knew was in him in the planes of his face. Just concentration and down-turned lips.

It didn’t hurt as much anymore.

She didn’t realize the shudder he gave, the hot sensation below, meant it was over and he rolled off her. When she pushed the hair from her face she was surprised her fingers came away wet. She wanted him to say something, anything. He didn’t, he just lay there, breathing heavily. It was a long time before the pattern of his breaths evened out. Blood, salt and something else tinged the air. The spot between her thighs ached and felt sticky. She was scared to touch herself down there.

She wrapped herself as best she could in the clothes he’d torn in his haste and quietly made her way into the fresh air of the night. A pause before she left, long enough to say “Don’t want you anymore.” The pain didn’t stop her from running as hard and as fast as she could. Away.

~*~

No one stopped her on the street to say that he was looking for her anymore. Since that night, she caught snatches of sleep during the day and wandered the streets, the back alleys, endlessly after dark. Always moving. It was cold at night now, and she was tired beyond anything she could ever recall being before. When she found an empty roof, she curled into the corner, in a tiny ball against the wind. She’d just close her eyes for a bit.

She woke because she was warm. She hadn’t been warm in months. The pressure of his arm across her shoulders was unexpected, and she supposed that was stupid. She should have known he would find her. She looked up and saw that the sky was vacant, no stars or moon, nothing to light the night.

“Don’t want you anymore,” she said before her courage failed her, a repeat of a night long over. A blatant lie, but she didn’t want him like before anymore. She didn’t want the remembered pain and blood. The sweet Renji is who she wanted, the one from her childhood, now lost, is who she needed. Had he only been a figment of her imagination?

His arm tightened around her. “Please,” he whispered into her hair.

Her muscles tightened, ready to jump up and run.

“Sorry, so sorry,” so quietly she almost didn’t hear it. His breath was hot in her ear, and something inside loosened.

His lips found her neck and she shivered. Her body unwound on its own, legs stretching out without conscious effort. She knew she should run, but she couldn’t make her body move. His hands were soft against her when he maneuvered her on to his lap.

Her head dangled loosely on her neck as he nibbled gently on her pulse point. There was something hard wedged between her ass cheeks, and it took a moment before she recognized it for what it was. Panic squirmed inside her belly, until he whispered and kissed her neck again. She wasn’t sure what he said, but it soothed her.

His hands trailed softly inside her clothes, loosened again without her being aware of it. He slipped one hand out to grab her hand and she felt what he felt for the first time. His hand guided hers down and over the sensitive spot she didn’t know she had. Her fingers tightened and she tried to pull away when he ran her hand over the downy tuft of hair between her legs.

“Shh, it’s OK,” his voice was a quiet rumble in his chest, and warmth and wetness tingled under their fingers. It was nice, one of his hands plucking her breast and the other covering hers as she explored herself. Something inside tightened, and then broke and she felt wetness flood her fingertips. She shuddered and stuttered as she had her first orgasm. It felt so good.

His hand lifted hers out and brought it to his mouth. His tongue was soft and slippery as he licked her fingers, his body hot and solid behind hers.

His arms wound tightly around her chest and he lifted her. She was under him again and she wasn’t sure if she could do this again. She was scared of the pain.

“Trust me,” he whispered. She nodded dumbly, and this time the pain of his entrance was almost lovely. His hips flexed and he filled her and retreated and filled her again. Over and over until she gasped with the sensation.

“Let me hear you,” he said.

“Please”, her voice broke and she closed her eyes. “Please.”

He pushed inside her, going deeper than he had. She looked up, his eyes were on her face a soft smile on his lips, and she smiled back and ran her hands in his knotted hair. This time she lost a part of herself when he took over the edge. Her heart rang like bells in her chest. Time was meaningless. She had the thought that time goes nowhere.

~*~

My not so literal take on the song. I dunno. I like it, sort of, but it's a wee dark, even for me. When I started to write this, I just wanted to do a different take on Rukia finding Renji jerking off and it kinda got away from me.

It was interesting writing from her perspective though.