A Shinigami Valentine

The sound of the door slamming echoed through the silent room. Akina stared at the door. He was gone. It was over. Akina dropped to her knees as the sudden sense of loss descended on her like a weight.

"No." she whispered. "No."

Tears filled her eyes. She tried to tell herself it was from the pain in her burning throat. She was better off, she told herself as she collapsed in a nearby chair. The man had tried to kill her. He was trouble. A loose cannon. He would only use her then dump her once he grew bored with her. It was better then that it end now. Because it was doomed to end eventually. Zaraki wasn't the kind of man who settled for one woman for very long. This way, she wouldn't grow to care even more for him over time. This way, she could cut her loses early. This way, it would hurt less. A sudden sob wracked her body. She drew up her knees, curling into a ball. The pain was overwhelming. He was gone. Really and truly gone. She would never feel his arms holding her close again. Never again would she hear him laugh or see him smile down at her.

"Oh fuck." she whispered, pressing her hands to her eyes in an effort to stem the uncontrollable tears.

"Fuck...fuck...fuck!" she screamed, gradually growing louder. What had she done? He was gone. Maybe she should go after him? The thought seized her mind in a sudden, wild panic. Maybe it wasn't too late. She could tell him how she felt. He would forgive her. Akina caught herself as her feet touched the floor. No, she couldn't. She wouldn't. And it wouldn't work anyway. She'd said some awful things to him. She'd attacked him as well, even if it was in self-defense. It was a crime punishable by death. He wasn't going to forgive her. Not for what she said about his squad. It was truly over. The sobering thought sat heavy on her mind. It's weight joined a deep, painful heaviness that pressed down on her chest. Images flooded her mind. Images of the two of them together. His touch, his kiss, his laugh...bringing so much pain. She saw him over and over in her mind. She closed her eyes, pressing her fingers against them but nothing would stop the images that played like a movie behind her eyes. Akina tried to stand but her knees buckled under her. She fell to the floor, blind with tears. She loved him. The realization hit her suddenly, crashing down on her. The words had never meant much to her but now they were all-encompassing. She loved him and she had lost him. It all happened so quickly. She'd never seen it coming.

"Kenpachi." she whispered, wanting him back so bad it hurt. The door opened and a shadow fell across her. He was back, her mind prayed blindly. Eyes wide with hope, she looked up. It was Tetsuzaemon.

"You okay?" he asked quietly. She stared at him. Something was wrong with his face. He didn't look right but it made no sense to her tangled mind.

"What happened to your face?" she asked softly. He grinned but there was no humor in his eyes.

"Zaraki happened to my face." he said with a sigh, squatting down beside her. "He took one look at me and punched me out. I guess I'm lucky he didn't just kill me." She wanted to tell him that she was sorry. That it was her fault. If she hadn't antagonized Chizu, he wouldn't have been hurt. She wanted to say all of that but couldn't. The only words that would come were,

"He left. He's gone."

"I heard...we...all heard..." he stammered nervously. He was visibly uncomfortable but he remained at her side.

"I love him." she tried to say but the words came out as a strangled cry as she broke down, falling into his arms sobbing. Nervously, Tetsuzaemon patted her on the back.

"It'll be alright, Akina. These things happen." he reassured her in a shaky voice.

"What happened?" Mai asked, appearing at the doorway. "I passed Captain Zaraki in the lobby. I've never seen him looking so pissed."

"Pissed doesn't even begin to cover it. Hand me the blanket off the bed." Tetsuzaemon snapped.

"Yes, sir." she replied automatically as she jerked the blanket off the bed and handed it to him. Tenderly, he wrapped it around Akina's bare form.

"Come on, let's get you in bed." he said, slipping his arms around to lift her up. Akina shoved him away roughly as she cried out,

"No! Don't touch me. Please...just leave me alone."

"Akina..." he objected, leaning back.

"I'll take care of her, Lt. Iba." Mai said quietly. Tetsuzaemon stood, frowning down at Akina.

"Please...both of you...just go. I wanna be alone." Akina whispered, pulling the blanket tightly around her. She didn't want to deal with them. She couldn't listen. She didn't care. All she cared about was Kenpachi. And he was gone. He was such a bastard, she thought with a sad sigh. A stupid, idiot bastard that pushed until he got his way. He was narrow minded and stubborn. Violent and blood-thirsty. Cruel and judgmental. But she'd loved him anyway. Maybe because of all that. He was wrong to doubt her. He was wrong to have such little faith in her and her feelings for him. He was wrong to try and force her into Division 11. He was wrong to attack her. But she was wrong to insult his division, his pride and joy in life. She was wrong to call him stupid and question him so cruelly. Akina looked up. She was alone. She didn't know how long ago Tetsuzaemon and Mai had left but the shadows had grown long and dark. She stretched out on the cold floor, tears still slipping from her reddened eyes. The cold crept through her arms and legs. Still, she didn't move. It didn't matter. Nothing really mattered anymore. The sound of laughter in the hallway mocked her. She pulled the blanket up over her head to try and silence it.

Had he really said that he thought he loved her? That thought haunted her. She could hear the words coming from him but they didn't penetrate her mind properly. It felt unreal when she remembered it. Maybe she'd imagined it? After awhile, as the room grew dark and colder still, she realized it didn't matter. Even if he had said them, he was still gone. It was still over. She was still alone. What if's didn't change a thing.

Akina eventually fell into a fitful sleep. Rest alluded her. As dawn rose, a loud knock at the door announced it was time to leave. Time to return to patrol. She shuffled into the bathroom, washing her face. It didn't help the redness and puffiness. Akina stared at her reflection. There was simply no hiding it. She looked like hell. With a heavy sigh, she dressed and headed out to meet the rest of her unit. She received a few stares but no one spoke to her. She was sure they had all heard the argument. They knew everything that had happened to her, good and bad. She was just thankful they wouldn't be back to the Sereitei for another week. She didn't think she could handle seeing Zaraki. Not now. Maybe not ever.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Very emotional stuff. I hope you enjoyed it. Please review and let me know what you think. More to come soon. Thank you all for your kind words and feedback. I love hearing what you think!