Black-and-Red Conflict

next chapter!! ^^ thanks for all comments!


~~~Twenty-Two~~~
Confession

Renji had broken from his fast walk into a run. He hoped Rukia was on her way back to 13th division and nowhere else, so he could catch up with her there and wouldn't have to go searching all over Seireitei. He was lucky enough. Right before Rukia could step through under the gate to the 13th squad's yard on the edge of a lake, she heard the noise of someone running at full speed and stopped, looking to her left. Moments later Renji rounded the corner and saw her standing barely a few meters from him. He was so fast that he knew he wouldn't be able to stop in time, so he picked his friend up rather roughly and skidded to a halt, then put her down again more carefully. It had been the only possibility not to crash into her, still, she didn't look as if she was very pleased with this alternative either. Renji took a step backwards under that glare, not quite wanting any more bruises in the exact shape of her feet or fists anywhere on his body. He lifted his hands in apology and started stammering before she had much chance to open her mouth.

“I'm sorry! I know! 'Kay? I know ya wanted me ta leave ya alone n' everything 'til I'd...,” he spluttered and, gasping for air in between, tried to remember what exactly she had said to him not yet half an hour ago. As the memory entered his head though, he winced and then decided not to quote her words after all.

“Uhm... I-I'm sorry. Awright? I know ya think I don't trust ya, but I do. It's just...” He caught her rising one eyebrow in a way that suddenly made him feel very, very small. He let his hands sink and averted his eyes. Then, very quietly said, “I'll tell ya.”

Weary surprise made her unwrap her arms from her body and she straightened up, as if awaiting another disappointment, another last-moment-retreat from her friend.

“I'll tell ya. Just don't blame me if ya don't like it...” But right there, his throat betrayed him and suddenly became so tight that no more words wanted to leave his mouth. He felt cold and not half as sure about what he was going to do, as he'd been on the way here. But her features were expectant as well as threatening. If he didn't get on with it, she'd walk away from him for good this time.

“Oh shit! This is crazy,” he breathed and suddenly clasped his hand before his mouth. “Look... c-can we at least go somewhere, like… else?” He looked about the area like a frightened deer. The low office building was a short way to their left, while the small house which Ukitake-Taichou used as his office as well as resting place, stood on wooden stilts in the lake further ahead of them.

Rukia responded immediately, feeling very well that her friend, who otherwise faced packs of hollows with no more than a mischievous grin, was about to turn tail and run.

“There's a small garden behind the offices. It should be pretty deserted right now,” she said, then led the way until they stood on soft lawn surrounded by carefully arranged low bushes, some pines and stones of different sizes. There were only a few taller trees and those stood so far apart that the two friends could easily be seen from the offices with windows towards the garden, but also enabled them to notice right away should anybody come near enough to hear what they were saying. It didn't seem to ease Renji much but right now, nothing probably would. So Rukia just sat down on one of the bigger stones, warmed by the sunlight, and waited.

The redhead squatted down on the lawn in front of her, opened the tie in his hair to bind it anew, tugged at his uniform, bit his lower lip, jumped up again to pace, opened and closed his fists, sat down on a rock, just to be on his legs once more a few seconds later.

“Renji!” Rukia said sternly, as at least five minutes had passed, while he had moved around frantically, but not spoken a word. He stopped in his tracks right in front of her, head hanging like a beaten dog and then mumbled something toward his own chest that was impossible for the dark-haired Shinigami to make out.

“What?” she asked, and lowered her head a bit, trying to get a look at his face.

“It's 'bout Byak-... Kuch-... your brother,” she was finally able to make out, rather reading it from his lips than actually hearing it.
“Yes?” She said slowly and frowned, waiting for him to say something she didn't know already, but wisely kept that to herself.

“He... I... we…” He broke off with an exasperated groan and sunk down again onto the grass right in front of her. One of his hands tight around the other in his lap, as if forcing himself to hold both of them still, then finally managed to resume, “We are... like... AHH FUCK!!! I have no idea what we are. It's all... wrong. Just when I thought it'd like... work out.”

And, as if finally some kind of dam had been broken, suddenly everything that had happened became a flood of words that could not be held back anymore, and he started talking frantically as he jumped back onto his feet, all the while gesturing wildly.

“I just can't help it. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I can't do anything. And he knows it n' uses it. I thought he actually felt the same. Damn, he was nice to me! He apologized, like when you went off that night when there was that stupid meeting-thing at'is house. Wanted to start again, he said. Forget the crap that'd happened. And I believed him, I really did, 'cause it really seemed ta work. And two weeks ago we trained, he asked me to, and it was so freakin' cool 'til he didn't defend'imself! I thought I'd... like hit him right on, full force 'n' all! But he just said he knew I could do it, could rip Zabimaru apart, that I was good enough. That he trusted me. An'all was good that night.” Renji's voice became quieter now, but he still did not stop. It was as if he didn't even realize anymore that someone else was there beside him, watching him, completely stunned, while she tried to understand what he was telling her.

“We... we finally got... close.” It was so hard to put this into words. “But we're not close at all now. He's not close to me. He's just not movin' anywhere anymore, not ever givin' way and I know I shouldn't comply ta him as I do, but I can't... I just can't not do it. He doesn't care what I want, he just... fucks me when he feels like it, but we're never equal. He's just... using me.” He frowned and halted, and a look of shock crawled up over his face as he realized what he'd just said. Not just the rather brutal way he had put things into words, but also the meaning of that last sentence. Subconsciously, he had felt like this for the last few days, but now that he actually spoke it out loud, it suddenly became palpable, real, and painful.

“He's using me,” he repeated, “even though he said he wouldn't. Why? Why's it always goin' wrong?”

And there he finally, almost accidentally, looked back at Rukia, his eyes pleading as he grew still, his hands still spread before him openly. But the expression on her face filled his mind with dread. Her eyes were widened in shock and her mouth was opened, not gasping for air but for words. When they didn’t come, silence fell between them.

The pines gave off their soft fragrance in the warmth of the day and it was carried through the small garden by a soft breeze that whispered in the needles and the leaves of the bushes and stirred the dark strands that framed Rukia's face. The soft rustle of insects at their feet, snippets of a conversation from faraway, the speakers invisible behind the walls that surrounded the yard, the quiet murmur of the lake's waves, as the met the beach – all those little noises seemed suddenly deafening as the two Shinigami stared at each other.

Some more moments passed before Renji moved, taking one, then another step backwards. Unable to endure Rukia's silence and the look on her face any longer, he turned. His first steps were stumbling, then more secure and faster as he strove to get away from the woman who had been his friend for so long, but was surely so disappointed with him now, that she would never look at him again. Just before he broke into a run though, she suddenly flash stepped to right in front of him and stood, her arm outstretched, her hand pressing against his chest.

“Don't run,” she said, looking at him fiercely.

Renji hardly dared to breathe.

“This is... I have to admit I hadn't expected.... that,” she said, clearly struggling for words but forcing herself to look straight into his face. “You have to understand that I need time to... get this.”

Renji swallowed hard, his eyes were widened, his whole body tense. As he realized she waited for an answer from him, he nodded hesitantly, unsure what to think. He was too worked up and confused to judge if hers was a positive or a negative reaction. He knew that he probably should have explained things further and better, but he couldn't say another word for his dear life. There was nothing else he could do than accept what she'd said. Nothing but waiting and hoping. God, he was sick of it.

“Renji.”
Rukia had seen from his face that he was not entirely happy with her reaction, but this wasn't a thing to just get over in a matter of seconds. If she wanted to be of any help to Renji – and she really did, she felt how much he needed it – she had to understand this, had to be able to actually imagine it possible, before she could be of any use to him. But what could she tell him? How could she make him understand, when it was so hard right now, to find any words?

It wasn't that she was surprised he was in love with a man. She had noticed by now that he shared his bed with companions of either sex. But that it was Byakuya... She had always known Renji respected his captain's power and was, even if he might not actually admit it, proud to be in the 6th and serving under Kuchiki-Taichou. But that he was seriously attracted to his captain in this way really caught her off guard.

It wasn't really because of Renji, but more because of Byakuya. He seemed such a cold man on the outside, so focused on rules, so caught in the obligations to his clan, simply so very different from her brash, messy and loud friend that she could not fathom how Renji could have ever become interested in her brother other than wanting to beat him in a fight. She knew Byakuya wasn't so bad underneath it all, for she had been able to see beyond quite a few of his habits in the long time she'd lived in the same house with him, but it was hard to imagine how Renji should have been able to realize that.

She also knew that it would take an unbelievable amount of work to make her brother change on the outside. It was simply not possible to imagine him capable of a normal relationship and, as Renji had made clear somewhere in the frantic flood of words, Byakuya obviously wasn't. That realization suddenly opened up a whole new line of thought, a true flood of dark premonitions that threatened to overwhelm her right there. One more reason why she definitely had to think all this over very well before she could really have a level-headed talk about it with Renji.

Slowly she stepped back and then took a careful, deep breath and tried to smile at him. It didn't work out very well, admittedly, but still, she tried.

“Man, you've got yourself in trouble. As always,” she added. Then she stepped forward and gave him a short and very awkward hug. It seemed as if both had forgotten how to show their affection for each other like this, since it was something that had not happened in many years. Actually, neither of them was sure if it had ever happened. So what, she thought and knew that if it had ever been needed, it was right now.


~~~