Black-and-Red Conflict

~~~Twenty-Three~~~
Departure

At the same time as Renji spoke to Rukia, Byakuya sat in a silent office staring in disdain at his right hand, which repeatedly tapped the blunt end of his pencil onto the desk. It was as if this limb had developed its own will and he could do nothing to stop the motion, or the monotone sound that came with it, which was annoying him more and more with each passing second. He was feeling somewhat restless and morose and he had problems concentrating on the papers in front of him. More than once he was about to turn his head to look out of the window behind him, wanting to scan the yard for his lieutenant, whose lunch break had ended more than half an hour ago, but who hadn't returned yet.

Even after they had short of three weeks ago partly resolved their differences in Byakuya's mansion, they had continued using separate offices, still too uncertain about how their relationship would proceed. It had been a good decision, not to be too close to each other every day, for by now, they seemed to be set once more on the road of conflict. Just that this time, it was Renji who was walking the edge, while his captain had outwardly regained his icy composure, holding it all the more determinedly since he had felt what it meant to lose it. He did not want to see, did not want to understand what was going on, though it showed in his restlessness, how insecure he really was and how in his unconscious he realized that things weren't going well. But he did nothing to change that, but instead practiced oblivion and ignorance.

When Renji had submitted to him that night out in Rukongai after their Bankai training – even after all that had happened and that Byakuya had done to him – it had been made clear how much the redhead had become infatuated with the noble. He had given himself to Byakuya, and so, finally back in the for him familiar and comfortable place of control, the captain had automatically started using it. What he hid, when he skillfully maneuvered his lieutenant again and again into following his will, was nothing less than his own fear. Nobody had ever been as close to driving Kuchiki Byakuya to his breaking point as Abarai Renji and while the captain tried to ensure that the redhead would never obtain that power over him again, he completely overlooked that fact that the stray dog himself was in fact already the noble's weakest point.

All the change that Renji had thought was happening with Byakuya had come more or less to a stop. The dark-haired man remained trusting and open towards Renji's work as lieutenant of their squad and he showed him respect when it came to how well the redhead knew their subordinates. Most of the important decisions wouldn't simply be made by him alone anymore, but discussed. But their personal relationship was a decidedly different matter.

Byakuya was unwilling to submit in any way, especially when it came to sex. However, while Renji didn't generally have a problem with complying to it – it was good sex after all, he didn't have any complaints in that area – it was by now becoming an issue of fairness to him, of equality. Needless to say, as long as they were captain and lieutenant, there was no question about who gave the orders and who carried them out. But when they met personally it was, or rather should have been, another thing. It wasn't that Renji would have wanted to exert power over Byakuya in bed just because he couldn't otherwise, it wasn't that he felt the need to have Byakuya submitting because he had to follow his captain's instructions when they worked. It was about taking and giving and about the meaning of it all. And in what the redhead had grown to feel for his captain, sex just wasn't enough.

What he wanted was to have Byakuya smile at him, have the noble look at him as an equal and not just someone he could exert power over. Renji wanted Byakuya to love him back. He wanted Byakuya to be as weak for him as he felt when he was close to his captain. And he had really thought that that would have been possible, when the noble had stood before him, apologizing and agreeing to start over. Renji had really believed it would actually happen, that things would actually change. He hadn't expected it to come about immediately, of course, and he had congratulated himself on being so reasonable, but after they had been sleeping with each other a few times in the last two weeks, he thought he should be able to see some kind of transformation into the according direction coming from Byakuya. But there was none.

So when on this day Renji eventually returned to his office, he was perturbed by his realization of being used by the man he loved and confused enough not be comforted by the fact that his best friend really had taken his confession rather positively. It wasn't a nice surprise then, to find himself in front of his captain as he opened the door. The look in the gray eyes stated very clearly that Byakuya did not agree to his lieutenant being late, but he remained quiet.

“Taichou,” Renji said hesitantly, as he paused on the threshold, then slowly entered, leaving the door opened behind him.
“The reports of last week,” Byakuya simply stated, inclining his head slightly towards Renji's cluttered desk and by that implying what he was in his lieutenant's room for.

“Ah... of course, uhm... they're not all ready though,” the redhead stammered and made his way to his table, forgoing his captain as far as he could in the small room. He leafed through the sheets of paper hastily, sending at least five of them gliding to the ground, where he still stepped onto them. Eventually he fished three reports from the heap and held them out before him.

Byakuya's eyes remained on his lieutenant for a few moments longer than necessary as he took the papers, starting to be slightly suspicious of the redhead's behavior. Then he looked them over and held them out again.

“I didn't mean these,” was all he said, fixing his scrutinizing gaze back onto Renji.
“What? Not these? But which...” But as the redhead frowned in confusion and grabbed hold of the reports, Byakuya didn't loosen his grip.
“The ones I requested from you seven days ago.”
“Oh..., ok. I'll bring them right over to ya when I got'em.” He pulled, but without result. Obviously Byakuya wouldn't be leaving him alone quite that easily.
“I need these, tho,” Renji tried again, looking nervously back and forth from the papers in his captain's hand and the man's face.

“You are not yourself,” Byakuya stated coolly, apparently not about to release the sheets any time soon. Renji, tired of competing over some stupid forms, just let go and turned around, acting as if he was incredibly occupied. His eyes fell onto the papers scattered on the floor and it suddenly seemed very important to pick them up and get them in some kind of order that only he would ever recognize. He clearly felt Byakuya following every single one of his movements, waiting for a reaction to a question he had not posed, but to which he expected an answer anyways. His captain wanted to know what was wrong, obviously, and Renji couldn't help but grow furious about the fact that the noble didn't even realize it himself.

“Tha's right,” Renji finally said without turning around, “'m not myself.”
He didn't need eyes on the back of his head to know what kind of look there was on Byakuya's face right then: one eyebrow slightly risen, the chin lifted a fraction of a centimeter upwards, the aristocratic face showing an expression that stated clearly how little the noble appreciated this kind of response. It was a cold expression, arrogant and depreciatory and therefore basically something Renji should have grown used to coming from Byakuya by now. Right in that moment though, it was more than he could stand.

He straightened up and threw the papers he'd just ordered in a heap back onto his desk.
“Ya wanna know what's wrong?” He posed the noble's question himself and then answered it. “Lessee... You. You're what's wrong!” He looked straight at Byakuya for a few seconds, but then just shook his head. He was sick of this!

He shouldn't have come back to the office at all. He felt trapped, cornered and helpless. There was too much anger in him now, too much confusion and disappointment and he desperately needed to get away from here and let it all out or he wouldn't be able to hold himself back anymore.

“Last week I promised Rikichi a real Hollow, so 'm goin' to the Livin' World with'im now,” the lieutenant decided, trying to keep his voice steady, but before he could even pass his table on the way to the door, Byakuya was in front of him.

“Explain yourself,” the captain said flatly and took a step forward, trapping his lieutenant against the desk. There was something unsettling about the noble now, the tension in his body, the way his gray eyes were slightly narrowed, but what worried Renji even more was his nearness.

The noble was close, too close. And stronger than ever Renji felt the agonizing discrepancy of desire and reason. For the redhead, the noble presented an irresistible mix of power, beauty and pride. Renji wanted that man, but if he didn't stop playing along with Byakuya, he would be reduced to the very thing he had never wanted to be: an obedient dog.

His heart beat fast. He trembled. His hands, that he steadied himself with against the table behind him, were sweaty. When had this happened? When had he been reduced to this? How had he ended up in this cage?

“Ya lied to me.”
Renji's voice was quiet and barely in check. “Ya lied to me when ya said we'd start again. Things didn't change at all. You didn't change. No new start, just th'whole fuckin' thing all over again. You're just using me!” he concluded.

And the disappointment was so vast and deep and glaring on his features that Byakuya shied back, eyes widened. His lips parted but then he didn't know what to say. He lifted one of his hands, but the redhead stepped past him and there was nothing left to touch. It all seemed to happen in slow motion but in spite of it Byakuya wasn't able to do anything to stop Renji from leaving. As the captain finally turned to look after his lieutenant, the other had long since left the room and walked away.

The moment in which Byakuya had witnessed the hurt he had caused, stripped him of all defenses, laying bare all the mistakes he had made. Nausea rose in his throat but he fought it down, a cold that had nothing to do with temperature enveloped him but he ignored it. His mind had become a blank sheet of paper that slowly filled with his own meticulous handwriting, listing most accurately facts upon facts of all he'd said and done to let it come to this. It wasn't a very comfortable thing to happen.

One point that stung pretty bad was the fact that he had been stupid. Arrogance was one thing to live with, and he didn't find that particularly hard, but arrogance and stupidity together made up a combination that he knew was very dangerous. In some points he had still underestimated Renji, in others he had simply chosen to ignore the obvious signs. He had been manipulative enough to get away with it for these last two weeks, but he should have realized at the very start that he wouldn't be able to push someone like Renji around for a very long time. Even though the redhead might not be overly clever, he was strong and not generally easily used against his will.

What shocked Byakuya even more though, and what was hardest to admit, despite being clearly before his mind's eye now, was his own fear. He was scared! Scared to be in a situation where he did not hold full control, scared to be in the hands of someone else. Scared to give in and let someone see behind his mask. Against those possibilities he had developed a self-defense mechanism so effective that even he himself was helpless when it came to abandoning it. He did trust Renji, but failed when it came to beating his own automatic reactions.

This mechanism was also what finally made him regain his balance now. It was as if a door was slid closed, which did not completely hide his mistakes from Byakuya, but yet spared him from completely understanding and admitting what he would have to do to redeem them. The solution was there, somewhere deep in him, but it still was something too distressing to think of or realize. Only even getting close to it would have send him down another maelstrom of unwelcome emotions.

But that couldn't be happening. Not here, not now. There was work to do, rules to be imposed, the order to be held upright in Soul Society. There was no space for personal problems here now. He would not neglect his duty.

With his resolve strengthened, he returned to his office and got back to work.

About an hour later, when he had managed to clear a satisfactory amount of reports from his desk, there was a commotion in the hallway. As his office was entered abruptly and without the appropriate knock, he was about to raise his head and greet the intruder with a cold gaze, but when Byakuya's eyes fell onto the bloodied figure in the doorway, the world around him jerked into a violent halt.

Rikichi's robes were dirty and in disarray, the white undergarment that showed from beneath the black kimono, was deep red in places where blood had soaked through it, stemming from a head wound that looked worse than it probably was. The young Shinigami's eyes where wide and fearful and he gasped for air, while trying to speak at the same time, resulting in him almost fainting. Two more members of the squad then entered the office and caught the boy between them. They were holding him up as they started to quickly recite the explanation Rikichi must already have given to them before he had come here.

Byakuya later couldn't recall their words, but the exact meaning of what they had said was unconsciously received, analyzed and stored in his brain nonetheless: Renji and Rikichi had taken a gate to a remote location on the Hokkaido island of Japan, in the Living World, seeking low level hollows for the purpose of training. What they had encountered though, had been a creature far stronger than a normal hollow. Renji had saved Rikichi from an attack and then ordered the boy to return to safety and close the gate behind him. Rikichi had only half followed the orders by returning but not completely closing the gate, instead keeping it accessible from Soul Society.

Byakuya didn't remember himself leaving the office, going to the gate or through it. All was but a blur, as part of him had reacted automatically, while most of his mind had gone blank with shock. But what he would never forget was the moment when he stood in the real world, enveloped in silence.

It was that kind of silence that came to be when most living things had been driven away or killed through the massive destruction of a certain area. Part of the trees in the vicinity had been uprooted, all others seemed to be damaged in one or the other way. The earth was ripped open here and there, displaying craters of various sizes as well as the distinct, if oversized pattern a coiling snake might leave in the sand. Faint traces of spirit energy lined the atmosphere, but as they were spent and back in their raw form, it was impossible to tell what or whom they might have originated from. A harsh tingle that was typical for a place where a hollow had been vanquished shortly before still crackled like electricity in the air.

But what was most evident to Byakuya, was what was not there. Something the captain of the 6th knew so well that he could pick its distinct signature out from hundreds and thousands of others he encountered every day in Seireitei.

What he could not feel, was Renji's Reiatsu.


~~~