Black-and-Red Conflict

~~~Twenty-Eight~~~
Hope

Renji cursed. This whole situation, Byakuya, himself. He paced and growled and tightened his hands into fists, but nothing helped. He felt it already, knew already that he would do it once more, that he would give in again. He would go to the Kuchiki mansion the day Unohana-Taichou released him, he would do as Byakuya asked him once again. And he felt so stupid for it, felt so angry at himself.

Renji paced for several minutes while Byakuya silently watched, his own heartbeat drumming heavily against his throat with the tension. Finally the redhead turned back towards him, looking at the noble angrily, accusingly.

He would have liked to attack Byakuya, hit that smooth aristocratic face if he hadn't been defenseless before it, his wrath not rendered useless already by just the imagination of one single touch of those pale lips.

They parted to say, “Will you come?” And the lieutenant almost shouted, “Whaddaya think? Why do ya even ask? Ya know it already don't ya? Ya've beaten me long ago, and don't tell me ya didn't mean ta...”, he waved his hand about, “...ta make it like this. Fuck, ya done a great job.”

Renji felt weak and defenseless, like a dog whose teeth had been pulled out, who had nothing left to do but bark, because he could not bite that slender hand.

“Renji...”
“YES! Damnit. Alright? Ya heard it?”

They stared at each other until eventually Byakuya nodded once. Then Renji turned his back on him again, never realizing how the noble's features changed for a moment, displaying desperation and hurt.

“Go away”, Renji said and Byakuya complied, the sound of the door closing behind him loud in the bleak white room as Renji was left alone with his thoughts again.

He wanted to believe it so much. Wanted so much that this would work out, that Byakuya would really change. But even though his hope had been awoken again, at the same time he did not want to let himself believe it. He shied back from the thought of being close to his captain because it was the one thing he craved so much. It was a paradox that was hard to handle for someone like Renji, who did not know how to deal with a concept so complicated. Having to double check his own feelings again and again without ever understanding them was something that left him completely lost. He was not stupid, whatever the opinion of many, but he simply preferred to follow more clearly shaped ideas and goals. Byakuya was something that was about as far away from “clear” as you could get. A relationship with that very man was almost impossible to comprehend. And that was it, the fact that was like a rigid, tight collar around his throat, which made it so hard for him to breathe.

It wasn't possible. They were worlds apart and both of them were too proud to go far enough to make it work. Renji had tried, but knew he could not live like that, could not be in a relationship in which he could not be equal to his partner. And Byakuya... Renji shook his head and took a deep breath. If anybody knew how unlikely it was for Byakuya to change, it was him. Still, he wanted it so much, craved so much for it to be possible that he fell prey to his own hope once again.

And hope, Renji came to understand on the same and the following day when he was still confined to the hospital, could be most cruel. It nested in his heart, teasing him with an illusion of warmth while right beneath it the coldness of potential despair lurked. Minutes seemed like hours, hours seemed like days. The desolateness of the white rooms was only now and then broken by short visits of friends and colleagues who weren't away on missions and could spare a short time in their busy schedules. But then eventually he was allowed to leave and despite what he knew awaited him in the evening, he walked vigorously if just to finally be out of the hospital and its boredom.

First he went to eat lunch with Rukia, chatting away as if everything was as it had always been, as if nothing had ever happened. If anything was able to put Renji at least a bit at ease, then it was that. The small woman had already helped him much before simply by listening, but Byakuya had been on the redhead's mind constantly the last hours, so all Renji wanted and needed now was a diversion. As the old friend she was, she felt it and was there by his side, being just the annoying and perky, but underneath, the so trustworthy person he needed. Just as they were about to part did she look at him with worry in her eyes and then wasn't able to hold herself back any longer.

“Renji, my brother he...”
The lieutenant's eyes narrowed.
“Ya talked ta him.”
“Yes.”
“Ya know he asked me to go there today, to his mansion?”

Rukia hesitated for a moment, not quite sure what to make of this. She hadn't really had any idea of how Byakuya might react after her revelation but something told her that him taking that step should be a good sign. But if her brother would really be able to step out of his shell and change, she couldn't say. It was hard to estimate anything at all since she was only an outsider to all of this. But by now, after thinking about the whole thing a little more and especially after talking with, or rather, to Byakuya and see him in the state that he had been in, she by now felt sorry for both of them.

She knew she could not tell Renji what she had told her brother, she was quite sure the redhead wouldn't be happy about it, even though she herself felt it had been right.

“I didn't,” she finally answered Renji's question, “But you're going to go, aren't you?”
Renji huffed and looked away.
“Yes.”
Knowing him so well she realized he was mostly angry at himself. Realizing it she knew she wanted to make him at least feel a bit better about his own decision.

“Look, Renji. I told ya not to give up. I think it's good you go.”
He didn't look very convinced.
“This won't stop ever.”
“No it won't,” she agreed, “not as long as someone's not really shakin' him out of it. But it's only you can do that, don't you think?”

Renji's eyes fixed on her for long moments and slowly his features changed from anger into thoughtfulness. Eventually he nodded slowly.

“But this's the last time,” he said, maybe more to himself than to her.
She nodded, definitely agreeing. It needed to be the last time or her friend would never be the same again. They hugged as they parted, still quite awkwardly but both feeling comforted by it. Then each went their own way.

Renji's steps lead him home first, just to check everything was alright, and to get out of the borrowed kimono he had got at the 4th after they had thrown his ruined uniform away. As he pulled his rather haphazardly folded spare uniform out of his closet he caught the glimpse of something red beneath it and paused.

His fingers touched the fabric of the kimono on their own while his mind wandered back in his memories. The thick, raw silk felt cool under his fingers, the red was the deepest and richest he had ever seen. When he had held it in his hands for the first time after he’d found it on his desk, given to him by his captain, it had put him into a cold rage. But the evening he had finally worn it – at the dinner in the Kuchiki mansion – had been one of the most fateful in his life.

Should everything, all that had happened, really have been for nothing? There had been so many bad things, but it would be a lie to claim that there hadn't been something good as well. He remembered cherry blossoms dancing in unison with Zabimaru, the inside of his captain's hand against his fingertips, the desire – desire for Renji – in that low, silken voice.

The lieutenant shook his head as he realized to which kind of memories of which kind of 'encounters' his thoughts would lead him if he let them continue like this. He felt how heat threatened to pool in his loins, how something urged his heart to beat faster and knew he had to do something to distract himself before he would be lost to fantasies that weren't really very helpful to have right now. But those memories had one positive effect as well. Like Rukia's words before, they made him feel better about his decision to give Byakuya this one more chance today. This would indeed be the evening to decide what would happen with both of them, and it was right this way. If nothing changed after this, then at least he would know that he had tried everything.

Moving fast and purposefully, he undressed and showered, afterwards stretching his shoulder and arm carefully, testing his newly healed muscles and bones. There was hardly any pain left, he realized with satisfaction, only a slight stiffness. There was nothing to hold him back then, nothing but his mind.

Clad in the dark red kimono, Zabimaru humming with shared tension at his side, Renji set off toward the Kuchiki-mansion.

The last time he had been there it had been brightly illuminated, with servants moving swiftly to attend to the guests of the clan meeting. As he walked down the short path from the guarded gate toward the main door now, the whole estate seemed much calmer. The huge gardens were one deep shadow behind it, dark and still and impenetrable to the eyes. The house itself looked quietly attentive, like a cat sitting with its eyes closed but both ears wide open and well aware of its surroundings.

Warm, yellow light fell onto the path as a servant opened the door and, bowing, invited Renji in. The lieutenant hesitated for a few seconds, unsuccessfully trying to swallow down his tension, but then he stepped out of his sandals and followed the young woman through the house. Everything was still and only few lamps shone a gentle, warm light from some corners as he was led past the large dining room and straight through the main part of the mansion toward its back. It wasn't easy remembering one's way in a house as large as this and in which most of the hallways seemed to look the same, but when they finally turned one more corner, the walls suddenly looked strangely familiar to Renji and as one door on the left was slid open for him, he knew why.

This was the same, small tearoom Byakuya had led him into in the night of the clan meeting, and again his captain stood, as he had then too, before the door in the opposite wall, which opened toward the still gardens. He turned as Renji entered and the moment of satisfaction the lieutenant should have felt as he saw the eyes of the noble widen, vanished as he himself became aware of Byakuya. No Kenseikan was there to restrain the raven hair and instead it flowed softly over the noble's shoulders, heavy in contrast to the light gray, almost silver kimono he was wearing.

But what caught the lieutenant's eyes the most was the fact of how tired his captain looked, and how frail. Of course he was smaller and leaner than Renji, had always been, but now, somehow, without the familiar uniform, without either the captain's or the clan's haori, he looked more slender to his lieutenant than ever before.

All the while Renji, tall, muscular, with his hair open and clad in that red kimono, was to Byakuya a sight that made his breath catch in his throat. It was hard to tear his eyes off him, and only after a few seconds of awkward silence that seemed to have become compulsory whenever the two of them met nowadays, did Byakuya finally say: “I... am glad you came.”

The redhead frowned and then nodded, staying where he was, not sure what to do with himself. There was silence again as he looked around. A low table stood close to one wall, some papers and a teacup on it, a flat cushion before it.

“How are you?”

Renji focused back on Byakuya, trying to detect something more than just the question in that level voice, but finding nothing. Did the noble even really care? It didn't sound like it, but then he never did. And he really looked so tired. Renji found himself wondering how many nights someone like Kuchiki Byakuya needed to stay awake to actually look it. He estimated it do be damn many.

“'m a'right.”

Then they were silent again just looking at each other. Renji let out a long breath of air and pushed his hand through his hair. Then he said, “Y'know what? I'm hungry. Ya ordered me here, so how 'bout ya't least give me somethin' ta eat?”

From the corner of his eyes Renji noticed how the servant, unused to having someone addressing Kuchiki-sama this disrespectfully, focused on him in shock. Also on Byakuya's features could a moment of surprise be seen, but then the noble hid it away, only nodding slowly.

“The dinner should be ready, I believe?” he said and the servant nodded hurriedly. “Of course, Kuchiki-sama. It will be served this moment,” the woman replied, then bowed and turned to lead them to a small dining-room only a few meters across the hallway.

At the moment they were seated, the food was brought in, just as abundant and delicious as could be expected. But none of the two men seated before it seemed to take much notice of it.

They stole looks at each other, tentative glances. Trying to read the other without giving away anything of one's own thoughts. But it was impossible. After a while Renji got sick of the game and sat back, staring openly at Byakuya. He had come here with a purpose in mind after all. He had come here with the goal of resolving this whole situation. And he would. As those thoughts crossed his mind he suddenly grew very calm. Calm and confident as he hadn't been for quite some time.

Gray eyes rose to meet his, then held his gaze, then narrowed.

The sudden determination in Renji's posture unsettled the noble. The redhead would take the offensive now, and Byakuya knew he did not have very strong arguments on his side. But this was what needed to happen, this was the chance he had wanted and the last one he would be given.

Byakuya told the two attendants serving them to leave. Then, alone with Renji, scrutinized by those red eyes, he looked away.

Byakuya was not a man who was very familiar with the concept of hope. If one had power and wealth like it came with being born into the Kuchiki-clan, they didn't have to hope for things, they generally simply made them happen. But in the short time that had passed since he had persuaded Renji to come here, the feeling had taken hold of him without him even consciously realizing it. It had sneaked into his heart and had made him believe everything would be alright, if his lieutenant just came here.

“I'm not goin' ta be your dog anymore.”

But of course it wasn't that easy.

“I never...”
“But ya did. You made me one. You pushed me where ya wanted me ta be. I don't wannit anymore.”
Renji didn't raise his voice, spoke quite calmly in fact, but his tone nonetheless made clear that this, now, was his call. His right to speak his mind, his right to demand.

Byakuya stared straight ahead at him, his mask wavering. It was still impossible to say what exactly the noble felt or thought, but he was not confident, at least that much was clear.

This was so hard. Despite the fact that he had made excuses to Renji before, it still seemed impossible whenever he had to do it again. It was just something so strange to him that it didn't seem to get any easier, no matter how often he had to do it. He spoke hesitantly.

“It will not happen anymore.”

“'n why should I believe ya?”

The feeling of déjà vu crossed both their minds and Byakuya tried to hold Renji's gaze but failed again. Sitting stiffly he instead looked at his own hand as it carefully laid down his chopsticks. He felt too warm, but was shivering on the inside. He wanted to sleep and, realizing it with shame, wanted to simply flee. Anything but having to be here right now. But as he caught another glance at the redhead, he knew that what he wanted the most of all was the Renji. He wanted him so much it hurt. But he could not have him unless he conquered himself.

The war that raged inside the noble was not one that could be understood by any other person. No one else could have ever felt such an impossible conflict between his pride and what he knew now to be the right thing to do.

“I...,” he started in a coarse voice, but realized at the same time that he in fact had no idea what to say.

Renji watched him with something like disbelief and fascination, pity and newly growing anger. He really couldn't do it, could he? Byakuya simply wasn't able to. He sat there, all rigid, defensive, tense, his whole body speaking of the need to be given a break, but he simply refused it. If Renji needed any more prove of how twisted the character of his captain was, then this was it. But then Rukia probably had been right with the last thing she'd said. Byakuya really needed to be shaken up hard before he would finally change.

“You really are freakin' unbelievable.” Renji shook his head, then stood up and walked two steps. Then he turned toward the black-haired man again. Byakuya's head jerked towards him.

“Renji...” There, hidden beneath that voice, the edge of panic and there, in the gray eyes that plea again. And Renji knew what he had to do.

“No,” he said, his words cold, “I'm not doin' what ya want anymore without gettin' anythin' back from ya. Ya had your chance,” he added as Byakuya's eyes widened in shock and his mouth opened but no words came out.

If Byakuya did not come to him, if Byakuya could not give himself up even once to show that he could give something back for everything he had taken, then there was nothing left here for Renji. If Byakuya really cared for him he obviously needed to be taught what it would feel like to be refused what he wanted to so much. Renji turned towards the door.

“'m not hungry'nymore,” he said and pushed the panel open without further ado, while behind him Byakuya still sat frozen, eyes wide, barely realizing what was just happening, and what it meant.

Something screamed at him in the back of his head. To get up, to stop Renji from leaving, but he could not move. Not even as the redhead paused another time in the door to look back before he shook his head and stepped through it, closing it behind him.

Byakuya was left alone.


~~~