Desperation

“You need to go home, Ichigo, you need to get some real sleep.”

The voice was soft and lulling, deceptive in it’s gentleness towards the despairing teen. Ichigo had spent an entire week by Ishida’s side, holding the others pale hand as his head leaned against his side. He just wanted Ishida to wake up, he needed to see his best friends eyes open…hear him speak and know he was ok. He couldn’t take not knowing if he was going to die or not, it was driving him insane with stress. “I can’t Chad…you know I can’t.” Ichigo let his head fall against Ishida’s side again at that, his hand clenching the others still cool one a bit harder. He was so close to tears again, his eyes watering as his breath stilted, coming out in soft pants instead of steady breaths. Every time someone told him to leave, he felt like it would be the last time he saw Ishida alive, the last time he would be able to feel the others chest rising and falling under his head. He just couldn’t take that chance, he wouldn’t take that chance.

“Ya aren’t going to make him wake up any faster by hoverin’ over him like that.” Renji was the one who spoke this time, one of his hands tangling with Chad’s as he stood there, their fingers linking together like long time lovers. The red haired man shook his head when all he received was a glare from Ichigo before he pressed back into Ishida’s side, clearly muffling tears he couldn’t stop shedding. “Lets go, we ain’t gettin’ through to him tonight either.” Renji murmured softly before pulling Chad out of the room, the door closing with a soft, ominous click.

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Ichigo woke with a groan, his body shifting as he felt the ghost of a movement, a foreign tightening around his hand that barely registered in his sleep fogged mind. It took another clenching on his hand and a soft groan to shock him back into reality. His head shot up, his eyes suddenly wide open. He was leaning over Ishida’s body in seconds, his unoccupied hand moving through his hair as he whispered softly. “Ishida? Can you hear me? Come on, Ishi, wake up for me.” Ichigo made an almost whimpering sound when he saw Ishida’s eyes flutter before closing, the movements stopping. “Please, Ishida, please, wake up.”

He couldn’t stop himself then, his hand smoothing Ishida’s hair back from his face as he leaned down, pressing his lips against the others unmoving ones. There were tears trailing down Ichigo’s cheeks as he kissed Ishida, landing wetly on the sleeping teens face he held him as close as possible with all the tubes and monitors attached to him barring them from each other. The kiss was full of passion and worry and…desperation. Ichigo needed Ishida to wake up, he needed him to respond, he needed his friends lips to warm and move against his own…he needed to feel he was alive…please…just a movement…just a shift…please…

Ichigo couldn’t help the whimper when all movements stopped again, the heart rate monitor stopping it’s frantic beat and going back to the dull bleep it had been for a week. A sob escaped his throat as his head fell, thumping against Ishida’s chest. He gripped the pale mans shoulders after that, finally breaking and shaking him, crying out in a tear drenched voice. “Wake up Ishida! Just wake up! Stop hiding from it!” His words were stuttered out between sobs and coughs, his entire body shaking from the tumulus emotions roiling through it. He almost screamed when he felt hands on him, pulling him away from Ishida’s frail body. “Let me go!” He was struggling against the arms, whimpers and cries coming from his throat as he was pushed onto a bed and strapped down, one of his arms held immobile by the burly medic. “No! Let me go! I have to watch him, let me go!” Another panicked noise escaped from his throat when he felt the needle pierce his skin, the cool rush of an injection tingling up his arm. He knew what it was…the sedative they had used on him that first night when the…dream had happened. Then he was out cold, his arms and legs strapped to the bed as his breathing evened out. The last words he heard were ‘for his own good’ before he fell into darkness, finally succumbing to the oblivion of sleep.

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I woke up to darkness…Black, inky nothingness.

It was confusing, I couldn’t understand what was happening. I could hear the heart wrenching cries, the feeling of being touched…being kissed, being held.

I want to wake up, please…let me wake up.

I want to know who’s doing this to me!

No…please…

Then the blackness faded, sending me spiraling back into the stark nothingness of my sleep world.

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“Well, at least they got him ta sleep.”

The words seemed to be distorted…like they were being filtered through a malfunctioning sound system or broken computer speakers. Ichigo couldn’t seem to focus, the world seemed to be spinning and pulsing, moving with a life of it’s own. He didn’t even know if his eyes were open or not…he couldn’t think well enough to manually move them or even raise his hand to check.

“But they had to restrain him to do so, apparently.”

Ahhh…that was Chad’s voice…he must be here with Renji, they were always together, like they were attached at the hip. Ichigo jumped when a hand thumped on his chest, his world suddenly snapping into focus. “Guhhh.” It was the only word he could get out as he felt the bonds being removed from his arms and legs, big hands shifting him up into a sitting position.

“Welcome back ta the world o’ the livin’ Kid.” Renji said, grinning as he dropped Ishida’s school bag in Ichigo’s lap. “Brought a present for ya.” The read head said, moving to drop into Chad’s lap with a yawn. He stretched a bit before leaning back into the others broad chest, watching Ichigo shake himself awake while he opened the bag.

Ichigo yawned widely as he reached into the bag, looking for Ishida’s planner. He was still tired but felt more refreshed then he had in a long time. He knew it hadn’t been more then a week but…it felt like he hadn’t slept for months. “I just need to find his planner.” He murmured, making a triumphant noise when he found the small, leather bound book he had seen Ishida writing in, thinking it was the planner he wrote all his classes and assignments in. “I need to figure out what his classes are so I can get…” His sentence trailed off when he opened the book, reading just a few lines of what was inside with a shocked look on his face.

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I finally stopped dragging my feet today. I know it was probably asinine but I had to see if they would help…if the drugs would help.

They did…so much.

The payment, on the other hand, hadn’t been what I was expecting. I had money in my pocket but he told me he wanted something else…something that wouldn’t cost me a thing.

I agreed of course, I’m a college student…I need all the money I can get.

It had hurt…it felt like he was ripping me apart from the inside out but…he said it always hurt the first time. That was what sex was…

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The words were all there, written neatly, separated by dates and times, experiences and sensations. Ichigo couldn’t believe it…Ishida would never do something like that, he wasn’t capable of it. “No…no, this has to be fake…Ishida would never do this…” His best friend was too smart for this…he would never throw his life away for drugs and sex…never. He didn’t even notice the way Renji and Chad had reacted to his whispered words, he just flipped the page, his eyes widening at what he read next.

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It was a shock…the first time he punched me. I had only done one thing wrong…I had only done it one time.

I cried out the wrong name.

It had just been so intense…it was the first time the sex had ever felt good. I couldn’t help but think of the person I actually wanted doing this to me. I couldn’t stop from crying out his name when I came.

Ichigo…

Grimmjow had not taken kindly to that…

The sex for the rest of that night was closer to rape than sex…

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Ichigo had to stop reading that entry, his eyes closing as he shuddered a bit, snapping the journal closed. He jerked when he was touched, just moving and standing, opening the book to another random entry as he paced the room.

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He caught me today…well, almost.

I almost freaked out when he stopped me on the threshold to my room, asking me why I looked so pale…why I had been acting so sick for the past few days.

I had to lie to him…Ichigo couldn’t know what I did…He couldn’t know how I was slowly killing myself…

I told him I was just fighting a bout of insomnia…that finals were getting to me.

I couldn’t tell him just how rough alcohol poisoning actually was…

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Ichigo threw down the journal at that, a sound of disbelief coming from his throat. “No! This can’t be true!” It was hitting him even harder, the reality of the situation, just what Ishida had been doing to himself. He hadn’t believed it…not at all but…he could remember that. He remembered exactly when that had happened on that day, how disbelieving he had felt even then. “No…” His hands went to his hair, tugging a bit as he paced the room, trying to think of any other reason the journal could be fake. “Ishida isn’t like that!”

Ichigo didn’t even notice when Chad and Renji picked up the journal, reading the entry that had made him snap. They had similar looks of disbelief on their faces. It was unbelievable…and if they had read it two weeks ago, they would of thought it was a fake just like Ichigo did. But…with the way Ishida was now…how they had found him…they had to believe it.

They were all too caught up in their own disbelief and shock…then in trying to calm Ichigo down to notice anything else happening in the room. They had pulled Ichigo back onto the bed, touching him softly, embracing him comfortingly to try to calm him down. They didn’t even notice when it happened…what they had been waiting for, for a week.

Bleary blue eyes opened to the sight of Ichigo pushing away from the other two men, tears streaming down his face as he kicked the hospital bed. Ishida coughed softly at that, speaking with a rusting, unused voice, almost too soft to be heard. “Ichigo…”

Three sets of shocked eyes focused on him…right before his world faded into black again.

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AN: AAAAAAAANNNNNDDDDDDDD Fade out!!!

*giggles*

I’m really loving this story, it’s what I work on when I get stuck on my other stories and it always seems to make me feel so uber happy *smiles*

Well, I hope you all like the newest chapter, this is my…revelation, welcome to the real world chapter.

And I promise, this one is not a dream!

*looks all innocent.*

Well, I hope you all like it, thanks for reading! Remember, favs and comments are loved! (they make me write faster)