Fifteen Ways to Seduce your Taichou

Fifteen Ways to Seduce your Taichou: Woeful Wednesdays

A Tokyo Kitty Production

Disclaimer: I don’t own Bleach or any of the characters. This idea isn’t even mine. It’s the creative conglomerate of me, my editor and a close friend who knows nothing about Bleach. Go figure.

A/N: So here we are to chapter three already. Starting here it will start to get really good. I hate to set the bar really high for myself, but this was one of the original events I had planned that I’ve been building up to since the beginning. But fear not, because we’re nowhere near the end of Kira’s exciting journey through self-pity, nerves, hang-overs and misunderstandings. Onward to the humor and silliness!!

Post Note: I would like to take a moment to not talk about vocabulary but the Japanese language in general. What your textbooks tell you is wrong, or rather not so much wrong as just incomplete. Japanese is a language that DOES NOT translate easily to English and therefore there are a lot of nuances to terms. As for those of you who think your Japanese skills are so much better than mine let me take a minute to say I’ve been studying for 6 years and while I’ve gone through many years of learning in classes the best way I’ve picked things up is through listening. Through doing this I have learned many nuances of things like “san” or “kun” or any other thing that doesn’t translate that textbooks just don’t teach well. Pick up a copy of Nakama, Genki, Adventures in Japanese or Youkoso, I promise you each will define things differently. So if you have something to say about how I’m translating things “wrong” don’t tell me, because I don’t care. I already understand that there are differences in how people understand things. It’s a sad waste of a review to bitch about linguistic semantics. The explanation I gave of terms was perfectly reasonable and will not be changed unless I find true error in it.

As a language note shunpo is “flash step” in English.

0000

Wednesday.

When Kira woke up the next morning the first thing he noticed was that he was not in his own room. He sat up quickly only to fall straight back down to the pillow. The second thing he realized was his headache was ten times worse than it had been yesterday. This was getting to be a rather reoccurring theme.

He touched his hand to his forehead, meaning to brush hair away from his eyes and discovered a bandage wrapped around his head. Deciding against trying to sit up again, he looked around turning his head back and forth to discover to his surprise that he was in the Fourth Division Sick Ward. At that moment, one of the healers walked by, noticing him awake and staring rather vacantly at the open door.

“We’re glad to see you’re awake, Kira-fukutaichou.” The shinigami said respectfully. Kira managed a nod. “Please hold on for just a minute, I will get Unohana-taichou.” He said bowing again before running off down a hallway, away from the room Kira was in.

There was a moment of silence that Kira speant staring at the ceiling when as if out of thin air, Ichimaru appeared at his bedside, running a hand affectionately against Kira’s face scaring the man out of his wits. “I was beginin’ ta wonder why ya didn’ come back last night. An’ here ya are all banged up…” Ichimaru said grinning a little his hand disappearing back into his sleeve.

“I was out last night.” Kira answered slowly, not meeting Ichimaru’s gaze whom he could see out of the corner of his eye was focused on the bandage wrapped around his head. “Drinking with Abarai-san, Hisagi-kun and a few others.” Kira said feebly.

“An’ this?” Ichimaru said gesturing to the bandage. Kira shrugged. He was not exactly sure how that had got there. The last thing he could remember he had been crossing the roofs back to the Third Division. “Drinking again too? I thought ya don’ hold yer sake well. An’ you and I were drinkin’ just the otha night, it ain’t like ya ta drink so much, Izuru.” He leaned over Kira, his face now taking up all of Kira’s available vision making it impossible to avoid his eyes. “Is somethin’ botherin’ ya?”

The blush covering Kira’s face was pervasive; he could feel it cover his cheeks and then his whole face involuntarily. Ichimaru leaned down and licked Kira’s ear ever so lightly. “Iz that isn’t it?” He said, pulling away to smirk at Kira who was bashfully looking away.

Ichimaru chuckled, which then turned into a full out laugh. Kira had decided after yesterday that he really didn’t want to hear the sound of Ichimaru laughing out loud. Hearing it again only grated on Kira’s headache more. He spoke again, “Gee Izuru, it’s only been two days…can’t ya go tha’ long without me?”

Kira was about to answer when Ichimaru turned away, his attention clearly taken by something else. “Guess I better be gettin’ outta here now. See ya back at work, eh Izuru?” He smiled and then was gone instantly thanks to the wonder of shunpo.

Kira barely had a moment to recover from the encounter when Unohana-taichou stepped into the room. “It is good to see you awake, Kira-fukutaichou. You took quite the fall last night, what were you doing on the roofs of the Fourth Division in the middle of the night?” She asked.

Kira looked equally stunned. Fourth Division? But he had been headed back to the Third the other night. Although numerically the two divisions were right next to each other, they were on opposite sides of Seireitei. Not knowing exactly how to respond he answered in a question. “I’m sorry, did you say Fourth Division?”

“Yes, fortunately you fell near the living quarters of our division. One of my officers heard you fall outside his window.” She answered quietly though a little amused at the situation.

“Ah,” Kira said lamely, although that did not answer many questions. “I must have gotten lost last night after being out with a few other vice-captains.” Kira answered. “I’m sorry for the inconvenience,” He added knowing full well that ‘getting lost’ still didn’t explain why he had been on the roof.

“I see. Do not worry, however please be more careful in walking home late at night. This herbal tea is for you, it will help with the swelling and headaches.” She said motioning to a small white packet that she had placed on his nightstand upon entering. Kira nodded. “When you feel able, you are free to leave.” She said nodding lightly before turning to leave.

Kira decided to stay lying in bed for a moment to try and regain enough strength to move. After seeing Ichimaru again his mind was reeling in his already failed plans to regain his captain’s affections. Despite his fuzzy memory of last night Hisagi’s advice had somehow survived his black out. Now the idea of writing a letter was seeming like his best option. With some difficulty he sat up and pushed out of bed. He was going back to the office, he’d make the tea there and then begin working on that letter.

As for the paperwork that undoubtedly awaited his return, that could wait; this was a matter of extreme importance. He would head back now and get started on that letter.

As soon as the room stopped spinning.

0000

A short while later Kira returned to the Third Division to find his desk overrun with paperwork and Ichimaru’s office door closed, just as it had been yesterday. He sighed looking at the large pile of work, some left over from yesterday now on top of today’s work.

Kira shuffled through one of the drawers, completely ignoring the piles of work on his desk, searching for blank paper on which to write his letter. He took the sheets over to the desk, shoving the paperwork out of the way angrily and then began searching for his ink stone to make the ink.

As he sat there grinding the ink stone against the ink well he considered exactly what to say in his letter. He couldn’t find it in himself to be angry with Ichimaru, really it was more his fault for not being able to properly serve his captain but that wasn’t really what he wanted to say either….

He wanted to tell Ichimaru about the dream he’d had. Or the constant battle he’d had all day yesterday trying not to think about him slinking into the room and taking him, paperwork and duty be damned. Even when Ichimaru had come into the Fourth Division to chastise and mock him he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about those thin lips smiling and how they might look fantastic smiling around something else entirely.

In a moment of supreme boldness, Kira decided that was exactly what he was going to say…kinda…sorta…maybe not in so many words.

He began writing, not even bothering to address the letter properly to his captain, opting merely to talk about his own feelings and address him that way. He told him a little bit about the dream, brush moving especially fast over this part, a blush tainting his cheeks as he wrote. Thin, abrupt handwriting detailed how he wanted that dream to become a reality and mentioned a place and time late in the evening that he wished for his captain to meet him. Stopping, he set the brush down, surveying the letter for errors and content.

It’s been so long that I have had these feelings for you, but recently they have been growing even stronger. I dreamed of you the other night. When we kissed I was unsure if I could hold back enough to take things at the pace I know you would want. You touched me in unbelievable ways and I screamed your name into the night but only we two could hear. To touch you as you let me in that dream would be pure bliss. Please, I want this to be a dream no longer. Meet me one hour after sunset under the wisteria trees in the Third Division. I will be waiting there for you, thinking always of you.

Kira decided not to elaborate further on the dream just in case the letter were to fall into the wrong hands and judging the letter to be sufficient, signed the bottom with his full name and set it aside for a moment to allow the ink to dry. He worked on a few pieces of paperwork in the meantime, mind completely not on what he was doing. After ten minutes or so, he judged the letter dry enough and folded it, wrapping it in another blank sheet of paper to hide what was written. Kira then considered how exactly he was planning on getting it to Ichimaru-taichou.

He had not really considered that far into his plan. Surely, he couldn’t just march into his office and place it on his desk that would be too forward. For the same reason, he couldn’t just place it in front of his door. That would run the risk of someone else picking it up (though of course who would have the balls in the Third Division to go up to their captain’s door and read his mail Kira wasn’t sure). The mail room! That was it, he could take it down there and they could deliver the letter for him. That way Ichimaru wouldn’t get it until later this evening so Kira would be already gone from the office and otherwise unreachable until the time mentioned in the letter.

Not believing how good of an idea this was, Kira quickly wrote “Ichimaru-taichou” on a smaller half sheet of paper and then tied it to his letter. Smiling at the letter he wasn’t sure why he hadn’t done this in the first place. Now it was time for a walk.

0000

“So is that all the mail that needs to be delivered today?” An older male shinigami asked a younger woman who was sitting at a table, sorting the mail received that day into piles divided by division, then by rank.

“Yup, just got one more a few minutes ago. Almost done sorting.” She answered happily, though why she was so happy about sorting mail was uncertain. “There! All sorted! You want to divide it like usual then?”

“Sure, just give me the uneven and you take the evens and we can be done in the hour. Himeko said she was making tempura tonight, you wanna come?” He asked her. The young woman straightened her robes as she stood up.

“Sure! Your wife’s cooking is the best! You mind if I invite Kuroda-kun to come?” She asked straightening the pile of mail for the even divisions.

“Oh? So you two going out now?”

“No….he hasn’t asked yet….But maybe he will soon! The summer solstice festival is in a month and I’d oh so like to go with him…” She said wistfully, picking up the pile of odd division mail to hand to the man. She was about to hand them to him when she tripped over a loose floorboard, sending the mail flying all around.

“Tanaka-san! Oh great, now we have to completely re-sort the whole damn pile…” The man rubbed his temple, crouching down to help the young woman who was franticly trying to resort the mail.

They had managed to re-sorted everything except for two pieces of mail. In front of them were one thin letter and a small brown box.

“Neither of these have names on them…You’d think people would learn to properly address their mail.” The man said.

“I remember these two, there were small pieces of paper attached to them with the names. See? Here’s one that says Hinamori-fukutaichou, and this one says Ichimaru-taichou!” She said holding up the pieces of paper, now detached from whichever mail they had belonged to.

“Right, but which one goes with which?” The man quipped. Tanaka looked distant for a moment trying to remember.

“I think the package was for Ichimaru-taichou…” She said.

The man sighed, putting it in the pile for Third Division and the letter in the one for Fifth. “I hope you’re right, they’ll have our hides for messing up a captain’s and vice-captain’s mail if you’re wrong.” He stood, picking up the now re-sorted pile of mail.

“No no! I’m quite positive that’s right!!” She said standing up and picking up the pile of even division mail, this time being careful of the loose board.

“Alright, alright…See you later tonight then?”

“You bet!”

Kira’s letter sat on top of the pile the man carried out of the mail center, Hinamori’s name tacked to the front.

0000

By the time Kira left the office to go to the spot he had mentioned in his letter he had nearly caught up with all his work. Or rather, he would have finished it all if an even larger pile had not materialized during his trek to the mailroom. Kira had only managed to focus on his work because writing the letter had given him a sense of finality to the day. Whatever happened had been gratefully taken out of his hands at least until the evening leaving him (relatively speaking) carefree.

His hangover/injury headache was even starting to let up. Maybe today wasn’t so bad after all, he reflected cheerfully. This part of the Third Division grounds was deserted at this hour even though the nice spring breeze and trees in full bloom were a wonderful sight. He chose a spot beneath a particularly large tree from which the entirety of the open space was visible, and waited in calm silence.

Kira watched the sun set behind the walls and then the floral landscape around him slowly shift to night. Absently he wished he had considered bringing a book with him to pass the time but then decided it was perhaps a better idea to try to decide what he was going to say to Ichimaru-taichou when he did appear.

An hour after sunset came and went, and still no sign of his captain. ‘Maybe he got tied up with work? No, that couldn’t be it…he had already left by the time I left the office and besides I did all of his work….’ Kira thought a little sullenly but waited anyway.

Perhaps a half hour to forty-five minutes later, Kira saw a figure making its way across the grounds. For a moment his heart leapt, and he stood up, squinting in the darkness to see. The figure stood in the middle of the forested area, looking around and Kira realized sadly that it wasn’t Ichimaru, but the shorter female form of Hinamori—wait, what was Hinamori doing in the Third Division grounds?

“Kira-kun?” Her small voice called out and Kira walked over to her, still unsure why she had come for him out here. He’d thought no one had known he was in this place.

“Good evening, Hinamori-kun.” Kira said smoothly, trying not to show his disappointment that it seemed Ichimaru-taichou wasn’t going to come. The darkness helped hide his expression.

“Um, hey…” She said awkwardly straightening her hair with one hand. Kira noticed even in the low visibility she was looking away from him, down at the ground.

“Was there something you needed?” He asked, still confused as to why she was here.

“Actually I thought there was something you wanted to talk about.” Hinamori said. Okay, now Kira was confused.

“Excuse me?” He asked, still not understanding.

“It’s just this…” She reached into her robes, pulling from it a thin folded piece of paper, a letter actually. It looked rather familiar to Kira and—oh god how had she gotten her hands on the letter he had sent to Ichimaru? “I’m not quite sure what to make of this, Kira-kun…”

“Well uh, it’s kinda hard to explain….It kinda started a long time ago.” Kira began not exactly sure how to explain to his long time friend when things with Ichimaru had gotten more….complicated. He thought she had known it was to his captain and had somehow intercepted it, the how of that matter be damned.

“So you say here.” She waved the letter a little, Kira was glad he couldn’t see her distressed face. “But Kira-kun…I just, I just don’t feel the same way as you. And then you talk about these dreams and all. I’m so sorry but I just don’t know what to make of all this….I mean I thought you of all people would understand how I feel about Aizen-taichou and that you’d know….”

Okay, Kira had stopped listening at some point. What? ‘Feel the same way as you?’ How she felt about Aizen-taichou? What the heck did that have anything to do with his predicament with his own captain?

“I’m sorry Kira-kun, I see you as just a friend. I can’t return these affections.”

Then Kira understood suddenly. He also realized that in his little universe when it rained…

It poured.

“That’s okay Hinamori-kun, I mean that’s not what I meant to say..er…wh-what I really meant was….” Great, just fantastic and here came the back-pedaling and Kira wasn’t even sure which direction he was going in to try and fix this all. Good thing Ichimaru-taichou hadn’t gotten his letter, because he would have died laughing at him for getting into this situation.

“Then which do you mean Kira-kun? I’m getting confused.” She sounded a little irritated and he could see her arms crossed over her chest in awkward frustration.

There were a couple different ways he could handle this. Kira considered his possibilities and answered carefully. “I do like you, Hinamori-kun. But I would understand if you did not return these feelings.” It was a lie, but at this point a necessary one to get out of this situation unscathed. If he was lucky, she would reject him and things would kind of go back to normal. Since when did women rejecting him become a good thing? Kira was ready for this whole mess to be over with.

“I wish I could believe you, Kira-kun…but the way you say it in this letter. It just sounds so…so…needy!”

Great, now even Hinamori though he sounded needy, he swallowed what little pride he had left and responded. “I am sorry if my forwardness bothered you, I meant no offense.”

“And this dream Kira-kun, do you have these kind of thoughts…often?” She seemed to hesitate in asking this.

If there were a more awkward question, Kira had never heard one. The question threw him a little off guard and he (may or may not) have whimpered lightly at his misfortune. Of course the answer to this question was ‘yes, but about the person this letter had been intended to reach.’

“Perhaps sharing my thoughts was not the best of ideas. I apologize if it was improper.” He managed to answer smoothly, bowing his head in apology. Hinamori still seemed slightly perturbed.

“It…it’s alright. I think I’m going to go back to my division now….It’s kinda late.” She said awkwardly looking away in the direction of the Fifth Division.

“Right then, good night.”

“Okay, bye Kira-kun.”

“Would you like to get lunch again tomorrow?” Kira asked with a small smile. He hoped suggesting their usual lunch time with Renji would help fix things.

“Um…maybe some other time?” She said quietly, edging around him towards the exit of the division.

Rejected twice in one night? Okay, this was getting a little sad. “Okay then, good night.” Kira called but she didn’t respond, Hinamori was already half way across the grounds.

Kira sighed, running a hand through his hair and resisting the urge to tear it all out. It looked like it was back to the drawing board for tomorrow. More sullen than he had been all day, Kira walked back to his room for what was likely to be a fitful night’s sleep.

0000

“Captain, stop teasing…I can’t take anymore.” Lewis moaned into the Captain’s shoulder, strong and well toned from years on the high seas. His captain’s form was massive, with a blush Lewis hoped that other parts of Captain Williams would be equally proportioned. Captain Williams sat up from his happy place between his lieutenants legs.

“Are you sure about this, Lewis?” The captain asked and the young blond was sure he had never been more positive of anything in his life, over the few short weeks onboard the captain’s ship he had felt his heart slowly pulled in towards the captain like a heavy anchor. The man was built with strong broad shoulders and rugged brown hair. The captain smiled at him, and it was warm enough to melt all the ice in Antarctica…

Ichimaru smirked as he turned another page of the small paperback. So Hinamori had a soft-spot for the homo-sexual romance novels? He would have never guessed. He was sure Aizen-taichou would be interested to know. He turned another page, eyes glossing quickly over frilly descriptions of sexual acts. He looked back over at the pile of three books, the small note from the publishing company sitting to the side thanking a ‘Miss Hinamori for your order and we hope you choose our publishing company again soon.’

Ichimaru turned another page to find more description of Captain Williams’s elegant beauty and virility and considered how much the description matched a certain real life captain. Surely Aizen-taichou would be interested to learn that little fact about his vice-captain’s tastes.

Speaking of vice-captains, Kira had not been in the office most of the day. Ichimaru had not heard him return to the officer living quarters. ‘Poor thing…maybe I was too hard on him.’ Ichimaru thought, turning another page but not really focused on the reading.

“Ah well, ‘e’ll bounce back. Alwayz does.”

0000

A/N: So yes, I’ve read trashy romance novels and they really are filled with that frilly of language and puns….I promise as a writer of sex that I will never force you guys through such atrocities. It isn’t very sexy to read. Poor Kira, his life kinda sucks. I’d like to give a shout out to another writer on AFF who originally said that Hinamori read romance novels; it made me laugh and gave Ichimaru something to do in this chapter other than laugh at Kira’s misfortune. I promise he will have a larger part in future chapters. In other news, I have Bleach costumes!! My editor and I are going as Ichimaru and Kira next Anime Central (I’m being Kira). We finished making all of the kimono (there were four!!) and still need to do the hakama, bloody things….I know it’s not related to writing, but it is Bleach related. Please continue to read and review, Kira’s week from hell isn’t over yet!!