Stranger Than Fiction

A/N: Okay, I realize that I'm writing Jyuu ridiculously innocent. For this story I think of him as an child's spirit (not unlike his Zanpakuto) in an adult's body - and that spirit is now being forced to grow up very suddenly and (if I can help it) super awkwardly. When I first started thinking about this fic, I had considered not having him that innocent at all and forcing him to work in a brothel or as a gigolo - but that would have gotten old pretty fast, had too many OCs, and just been tedious to write. Don't know about you guys, but I like my Ukitakes funny and flustered. Besides, I'm making plans for his eventual deflowering. *cackles maniacally*

I would also like to thank Brendabond for helping me beta this. You should check out her Ukitake/Orihime story "Apperception"on FFnet.

I do not own Bleach. If I did, doing my taxes would be an even bigger pain in the ass.

Warnings: Terrible shoujo manga and adult situations.

***SS***

Jyuushiro checked out three of those shoujo manga books Nanao had recommended from the library. The librarian looked at him oddly, but he was used to that from when he went in for his coloring books. Sogyo no Kotowari just loved looking at the pictures and suggesting which colors to use. He smiled. They were so cute.

Later that evening he poured himself some plum wine and hunkered down at Ugendo to learn all he could about how to write romance. The first thing he was surprised by was that the women in these books were virtually clueless. That was odd; he dealt with women all the time in the Gotei ranks and he never found them to be incompetent.

He also noted that all of the story lines were about the same. The boy asked the girl out to dinner. They kiss on the doorstep. Later the girl sees the guy talking to another girl and goes home to cry. They break up. Boy shows up at girls house and they talk about their relationship. A misunderstanding comes to light. The boy and girl kiss again and then wind up lying together naked while holding hands. Sparkles or feathers appear while someone recites poorly written poetry. Both parties either have "mind blowing orgasms" or "earth shattering orgasms", but the mechanics of these orgasms are not explained.

Looking at the pictures in these books, the whole "making love" thing looked like an unusual way to achieve shikai, and he doubted that Shunsui would be chasing women incessantly just to do something that resembled a fancy kido spell.

As he got ready for bed that night, he couldn't help feeling like he was missing something big.

***SS***

Jyuushiro sighed and looked at the clock again. It was nearly noon, and Shunsui should technically be in the office by this time. By his estimation, Jyuu had about an hour to reach him before he would disappear to slack off and drink.

Unfortunately, when Jyuu reached the Eighth, Shunsui was still nowhere to be found.

Nanao glanced up from the paperwork she was currently working on. "The Captain-Commander was more upset about 27-a and the lack of signed reports than Captain Kyoraku originally thought. He's in the Fourth, but he will be released shortly. Captain Unohana was put under orders to only release him to me," Nanao stated. "Actually, I should head over there now to pick him up. He is also under orders to not to leave this office until the backlog of signed reports has been taken care of. He's going to be in a bad mood, but you can wait if you want."

"I need to speak to him urgently, so I'll wait." He replied.

Nanao got up and Jyuu was left to survey the office alone until she got back. There wasn't much to see really, just stacks upon stacks of paperwork that Shunsui no doubt dumped on the poor woman, and a pile of sake bottles that needed to go out in the trash. Shaking his head at the state of Nanao's desk, he noticed that she was reading a shoujo manga book as well! He checked to see if she was coming back, and when he deemed the coast was clear, plucked the book from her open bag.

The book itself was purple and flowery, but there was something strange about the couple on the front. They both had shorter hair and were dressed very strangely in tight clothes. Since Nanao was reading this manga, it must be one of the better ones since she only reads the best in literature. She wouldn't mind if he borrowed it, right? Jyuu glanced around once more and slid the book into his sleeve before leaving.

***SS***

"Permission to speak freely Captain?" Nanao asked while supporting her captain on her shoulder.

"You don't need permission from me, my sweet Nanao" Shunsui purred in her ear and hugged her closer.

"You are an idiot if you think that the Captain-Commander isn't going to notice that this is the THIRD time you've done this. I'm glad he broke your leg!"

"Oh my sweet Nanao, so cruel! I thought you looked up to me!" Shunsui pouted.

"I only reason I look up to you is because you're taller than me." Nanao scowled, "Also, Captain Ukitake has been looking for you for two days. He says it's an emergency, and honestly I'm surprised he's not still here."

"Get me over to my desk, place the sheets in front of me, and put a pen in my hand. I'll deal with Jyuu when I'm done."

Nanao grabbed the nearly toppling stack of papers off of her desk and relocated them right in front of her captain. She then grabbed four pens, and tested them all before handing them over. She did not want to hear that he couldn't do the paperwork because the pen wouldn't write or he had dropped it.

"I'm heading out for my lunch break now" Nanao said, reaching into her bag to grab her book, only to find it wasn't there. Shit. She must have left it at home. While she was glad to get away from her currently disabled captain, she really wanted to get her daily fix of hot and sticky man sex.

***SS***

Back at Ugendo that evening, Jyuushiro pulled out his pilfered book and began to skim the pages.

The story was about a couple named Steve and Bobby. Hm…those were odd names that Jyuu had never heard of before. He shrugged and continued reading. Steve and Bobby were hanging out and playing something called baseball. The clothes they wore were strange, and Bobby certainly reminded him of Kiyone. Bobby asked Steve to a place called "the movies", where they kissed in the dark and Steve got all upset. Later Bobby puts on an apron and cooks dinner for Steve. They start kissing again, and Steve says he's ready to take things to the next level, whatever that was…

Jyuushiro let out a startled shriek and threw the book to the floor, jumped up on the couch, and stared at it like it was going to bite.

"BOBBY IS A MAN!" A small voice in the back of his head wondered if Steve was aware of this.

***SS***

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