Illuminated Illusions
Part 3
Hitsugaya can't tell which one of them is more desperate, more eager, more careless, but as Ichimaru lifts him on the table, pushing everything that has had the misfortune to stand there out of the way and on the floor, he decides that it hardly matters. The man's hands are tugging every piece of garment off of him with urgency that the genius has hardly seen or felt before, and it takes him a second to realize that he's doing exactly the same, pulling, opening, shoving away everything he can find that is keeping him away from his lover. It feels as if he's almost fighting something, rather than simply undressing the man before him… It feels as though an invisible force has mounted savagely between them, extending like a perpetual barrier, the only purpose of which is to tear them apart. It grows, and it grows, and it
grows, while he claws and kicks, and punches crumbs of it down, just to be closer to his half… This metaphor of a hinder, the thin fabrics of cotton and silk, they represent everything that stands and will always stand there to isolate them in the pair of marginally different globes that are their worlds. They are black and white, he and Gin, day and night, good and evil, evil and good. They have so little keeping them together, but at the same time, too much. Too much love, desire, longing… What they are having now, Hitsugaya realizes - and the thought kills him just a little more on the inside - it's just a crack. It's like a scratch on a child's hand, a wound that has begun to heal the moment it has appeared, and they only have the time till it stops bleeding. Only that, and not a trice more.
He manages to discard everything from Gin's upper body within a minute, but his lover doesn't bother doing the same, he just opens Toushiro's robes, exposing the boy's milky shoulders and chest before moving on to yank on the captain's shoes and pants. The kisses they are sharing are crude, and deep, and rather painful at times, but neither seems to care, too far gone by now.
He manages to discard everything from Gin's upper body within a minute, but his lover doesn't bother doing the same, he just opens Toushiro's robes, exposing the boy's milky shoulders and chest before moving on to yank on the captain's shoes and pants. The kisses they are sharing are crude, and deep, and rather painful at times, but neither seems to care, too far gone by now. Ichimaru thrusts his hand in Hitsugaya's underwear, grasping him firmly, and presses a thumb against the already moist tip the way he knows the smaller shinigami both loves and hates. Caught off guard by the abrupt actions, Toushiro bends forward harshly and with one pathetic gasp and something that faintly resembles a whimper, loses track of everything that is happening for a few precious moments. It seems like this is exactly what Gin has been planning, because he leans closer over the prodigy, attacking the naked neck and collarbone with a series of vicious sucks and licks that bruise horribly the white flesh and at the same time feel so sinfully good that Toushiro doesn't even consider asking him to stop. It matters not if anyone questions him about the love-bites tomorrow, tomorrow is a phenomenon equal to death right now and he refuses to think about it in any other way. Right now all that he can do is
feel and feel he does… All over and with everything that he's got.
The hand around the genius' length is moving now, squeezing relentlessly and working him in just the right ways that have the hard organ slick with pre-cum in seconds. The treatment is a bit too rough, a bit too much, and if Ichimaru keeps it up, the boy knows he wouldn't be able to last long. He squirms under the touch, thighs shaking uncontrollably and he tells his lover to slow down, to take it easy, but his words remain unheard. An experienced mouth latches on his already erected nipple and he moans, head thrown back as the combination of both stimulations make him tremble even more. His underwear disappears after that, thrown somewhere to the side and suddenly his most private parts are exposed to the man before him.
"Spread yer legs." Gin tells him and the boy does just that, voicelessly offering himself fully as he watches the man move on to work on the other sensitive bud. Ichimaru's hand stills for a moment, thumb digging into the wet tip mercilessly and Hitsugaya chokes out a tiny mewl, the pleasure already reaching its borderline in vicious shoves rather than the usual slow building ups. Another hand sinks to fondle his balls, tease him further and Toushiro slouches completely on the table, sobbing his pleasure breathlessly, helplessly. He's just about to say that he's going to come, when the familiar set of fingers retrieve from his body, leaving him a pathetic pile of trembling, needy limbs.
"No, no-… Gin,
please!"
"Shh, pet, in a lil bit…"
Gin reaches back to prepare him, but the boy jerks away instantly, shaking his head. He knows it's going to hurt like hell if he doesn't let the man do it, but while Ichimaru is trying to be gentle at least there, Hitsugaya wants just the opposite. He pushes the approaching hands away and whispers for the fox to just do it, that he can take it all, that he can't wait. Maybe it's a punishment to an extent, a revenge against his own body for craving this indecipherable man so badly, and a punishment for the ex-captain himself, one that would reach farther than a furious stab in the heart. The pain would make this feel real, Toushiro fathoms, it would awake every cell in his body in a way that no light, loving caress and no sweetly mumbled nonsense would. He might scream, and he might cry, but hell, he already is on the inside, and maybe if he is suffering physically at least a part of what his heart and soul are going through, then maybe it won't be this hard. Maybe it wouldn't feel so much as though his body is being torn apart to let his burning spirit out to vanish into the nothingness. Perhaps aching all over would even bring him some sort of wicked, twisted relief. Perhaps it won't. But right now he needs the hurt more than anything else to make this last, he embraces the premonition of the agony like a dying man clings to a flimsy piece of wood, even if he knows neither Gin, nor anyone else would understand why he needs this so badly. He smiles sadly to himself as he pulls his lover into another desperate kiss, his eyes squeezed so hard, he can see the dissolving stars dancing behind his eyelids. When his lover is gone for good, pain is all that is going to be left from him, he realizes with a shaky exhale. A dull ache, throbbing lazily in his body as a small reminder, a proof that tonight had really happened. He will need that. He will need it to stay sane, to
believe, and a little bit of discomfort is a price that he's willing to pay more than gladly.
Ichimaru disappears from his side for just a minute to get some sort of a lube, but it pierces Hitsugaya's heart like a heated blade and as he lets his head loll to the side, he finds himself blinking back the moisture in his eyes. He can taste the solitude on the tip of his tongue, bitter, sour, salty, mixed with the feeling of abandonment in some sort of a
must medicine that he can't swallow… It's a crippling feeling,
crippling. He will never be whole without his Gin, he knows that, he will never be a complete being again. He will be a strange creature with no will, a machine with no engine and he can't even venture thinking what that will do to him, how hard it will be. How is he going to survive? Keep existing?
I don't know... "Toushiro…" Gin's mouth appears against his ear and the boy knows his unshed tears have been spotted. Whether because he has misunderstood, or because he wants to has misunderstood, the man tries to reach for the captain's entrance once again, but Hitsugaya can't have that. His
no is so firm in the shakiness in which it is spoken, that even Ichimaru, who rarely agrees to anything that isn't to his liking in bed, yields. He
yields. If that isn't an omen that the end is approaching, then what is?
Toushiro wraps his legs around the man's waist, his thin arms encircling Gin's neck and he braces himself, prepared for what is to follow. There is genuine hesitation in the way the ex-captain is hovering above him, but Hitsugaya knows that the battle has already been won. The uncertainty the fox is showing is just a chance for the smaller one to reconsider and allow Gin to be more gentle. It's pointless, though, there'll be no reconsidering. Hitsugaya wants this and nothing is going to change his mind.
There's blunt wetness rubbing against his quivering hole, and then Ichimaru is pushing in,
pushing, and the pain comes crashing down on the boy in suffocating waves, first, second,
third... Toushiro bites his already tender lower lip hard, the air exiting his nose in torn, short doses, and he realizes he's probably tightened his muscles exponentially, uncomfortably even, because his lover is grunting uneasily above him, brows furrowed in concentration.
"Deeper, Gin." Hitsugaya manages, praying to every deity that is willing to listen that Gin doesn't back away. "
Deeper."
Waiting for just a little longer after the insistent command, Ichimaru nods and pushes again, the thickness of his member forcing its way even further inside the small body. Beneath him, Toushiro chokes out a cry, his eyes a little wider than usual, staring unseeingly at the ceiling.
"A little more." The boy whispers and he can feel the man's shoulders tensing above him.
"Toushiro, ya dun-"
"I mean it. All the way. Gin… Gin,
please."
It hurts so much… One more thrust is what it takes, and Ichimaru makes it so suddenly, so harshly, that it feels as though he wants to get it over with, like maybe the fact he's causing Hitsugaya pain hurts him physically just as much as his own body within the captain hurts the boy. Toushiro decides not to deem on it, because
it doesn't matter, it doesn't. So he just lays there, swallowing the anguish along with each raspy breath he takes, and he savors the moment. He wants to engrave it in his memory – all of it – every second of ache, every soothing kiss that lands on his sweaty forehead, every apology, each word of love. And Gin's susurrations are endless… they go on and on and on,
I'm sorry's,
I love you's,
Please, forgive me's…
Forgive me. I can't! Toushiro wants to say. I can't,
I can't! How can you ask me to forgive you for leaving me? How can you be so selfish? How can you be so delusional?
You are killing me, he wants to scream,
all of me! You are tearing me apart, and you are stealing me away, and you're losing yourself in the process,
can't you see? Can't you see what you've
done?
And Gin probably
can't see. Because love is so blind, and deaf, and stupid, it's worse than the fucking plague! Hitsugaya wishes he could scrub it off himself,
claw it off his bones, along with the flesh. It would feel so much better, he fathoms – like throwing an old robe away and reaching for a fresh one.
Or will it? Will it be better, not to know what it's like to experience this?
For once, the genius hasn't got an answer.
Ichimaru starts moving inside him, tentatively at first, shallowly, and Toushiro lets out a few hisses before the pain subsides and turns into the dull ache he has been aiming for. He relaxes a little then, moaning in gratitude that the lube has slicked the passage enough to ease the sting. The fullness within him is a unique sensation, Gin's body seems to reach deep,
deep inside, penetrating him so well, so
good… and the pain just seems to spike the whole feeling up. He lifts his hips a little and starts meeting the man's movements, letting him know that he's okay now, that he's enjoying this…
…And then Ichimaru changes the angle.
The mix of surprise, pain and electric pleasure nearly has Toushiro coming on spot and without any other stimulation whatsoever. He gasps for air and writhes pathetically, looking up to meet his lover's eyes before the ex-captain rams himself inside again, harder,
rougher.
"Oh-… Oh,
fuck!" Hitsugaya whimpers, throwing his head back against the table as his lover starts fucking him in earnest, thrusting in a way that rubs the boy's insides perfectly, in just the right manner. Two sets of thumbs and index fingers, still slick with the oil the man has used to lube himself, circle the captain's nipples, squeezing and twisting them expertly to elicit a series of moans.
"Ya're so tight, pet, so damn tight… Clenchin' round me like that." Gin's voice is husky, a little breathless in Toushiro's ear and the words, uttered so hotly and urgently just send more burning, wet pleasure to the genius' already unbearably aroused member. "'s like ya're beggin' fo' a proper fuck, beggin ta have somethin' inside yer ass… Did ya miss me takin ya, neko? Did ya wake up hard an' leakin' in the middle o' the night, wishin' I was there?"
"Gin-"
"Answer. Me. Did. You?" punctuating each word with an exceptionally vicious slam inside his lover, Ichimaru sets off a sporadic, irregular pace, ramming deep and hard within the tight tunnel as he watches intently Toushiro fall apart in his arms. The lack of pattern is too much, too hard to endure, and the genius is sobbing with need within seconds. Hitsugaya squirms beneath the larger body and spreads his legs wider, whimpering again and again as his sweet spot is being battered with no mercy. His thighs are quivering now, shaking with need and desire, and he doesn't have to look down to know his length is leaking pre-cum, aching for the lightest touch.
"
Toushiro!"
"I did, I missed you so much!" Hitsugaya cries out finally, all of these strangled words ones that he would've said anyway. "I need you, god knows I shouldn't, but I do. I do need you. Body and soul, and I love you so much, that I can't…
I can't breathe!"
The pace changes again then, becoming more desperate, faster, and Ichimaru's arms encircle the smaller male, pulling him close. The kiss they share is a bit sloppy, torn by the necessity to gasp for air, but it's one of their last ones, and for that reason it tastes sweeter than cotton candy. For a few precious, timeless moments, they are truly one, the way they were always supposed to be: flesh against flesh, frantic heartbeat meeting erratic pulse, they throb, and inhale, exhale, moan as a single being. It's wrong and right in a combination that is one of a kind, two enemies, two lovers, two men, so different and so unfitting for each other.
Fate has had no mercy the day it decided to let them look at one another…
Finally feeling himself tiptoeing along the edge, Gin reaches between them and starts jerking his lover in time with his thrusts, his firm grasp and just a couple of accurate pushes sending them to their peaks almost immediately. They shake and groan, uttering the name of the other as their muscles contract, squeezing them even tighter together. It's a strange sight, rather hard to comprehend, but they care not. For a second or two, the outside world is the last thing on their minds. They shake and groan, uttering the name of the other as their muscles contract, squeezing them even tighter together. It's a strange sight, rather hard to comprehend, but they care not. For a second or two, the outside world is the last thing on their minds…
And then… the bubble bursts.
"Whateva' ya want… Anythin'… I'll do it, jus' name it, Toushiro, I will." Ichimaru whispers against the boy's neck and Hitsugaya smiles bitterly through the tears that are once more prickly at his eyes. He knows Gin is asking for a reason, a reason to stay, a reason to get caught, suffer,
die… It's just a little push he needs and for a moment the genius is tempted to give it, if it means spending a few more hours together, a handful of more minutes, wrapped in the safe cocoon of the man's arms…
But he can't. He
won't. He can't do that to Ichimaru, to
himself. It's a decision, both selfless and selfish in its essence, one that can only be born in a love that wasn't meant to be.
"Stay tonight." The genius mumbles back and he feels the fox nod against his neck. "That's all I ask."
And when Toushiro wakes up the next morning in his bed, the sheets feel cold beside him, freezing cold. And he knows then, that Gin couldn't keep him promise.
Hitsugaya forgives him.
The End.
A/N: Can anyone tell me how to mark this story as COMPLETED because I can't figure it out. Thank you in advance.
