Black-and-Red Conflict

I actually wanted to wait posting this until i had the epilogue ready as well, but then real life is standing in my way once again and i'm not sure when i'll be able to get the last few words down onto the digital paper. too much to do before i can finally get some holidays.

so here at least this chapter for you guys so you don't think i'm abandoning you. it might seem a bit uneventful for some, especially after all the drama i created throughout this story before, but i think it is about time both of them get a little peace now...
beta-read by marinliliz from LJ, thanks so much!! ^^

~~~Thirty-One~~~
Together

Byakuya woke as daylight was already shining brightly through the gap in the sliding door toward the garden. It was the kind of light that would normally have made him think of morning hours wasted, but this time he just watched it illuminate one wall in a long, narrow, rectangular bar, the shadow of a passing bird flitting over it now and then.

He felt Renji's body behind him, the muscular chest pressed against his own back, felt the heat it gave off, felt one strong arm around him that had been there probably all throughout the remaining hours of the night. He assumed it would stay there, holding him securely, safely, as long as it took Renji to wake up or until Byakuya moved away.

Slight anxiety rose in the noble and for a few moments it was almost as if he was another person, watching himself and waiting with dread for the moment of realization to come. For the shock to take hold of him and make him move away, make him jump up. But it did not happen. With a calmness he would have never expected, his mind traveled back to what had happened last night. The nightmare, the despair, the relief, his own capitulation. Capitulation to Renji.

He realized that there was still a slight pain, but then that hardly mattered. Physical pain had never been very significant to him. It had been the crossing of another line, much deeper inside of him that had been so hard. But now it had been done. And what did that make of him?

He wasn't sure. He was still Kuchiki Byakuya. He was still the head of one of the most important clans of Soul Society and captain of the 6th division. But then, maybe he was a little bit more just Byakuya than before. As if he had finally become a little more himself and a little less only a man of obligations and rules. This time not even the bright light of day could make him pull back into that old self anymore. And he realized he felt better like this. A little bit lighter. A little bit freer.

Though he was very well aware that in some way, the problems were just starting. But he pushed the thought away. Right now, as impossible as it seemed to the deeply rational part of him, it felt good lying here like this. Naked and filthy and sticky with sweat and semen, Renji pressed against him; it felt good. Even the fact that his anus was hurting because he had been penetrated by another man – by Renji; he had expected something like that to make him feel inferior, impure, weak. But it didn't. The only thing it made him feel was another wave of warmth that gathered in his midsection and loins as he recalled exactly how that pain had come to be there.

Admittedly, Renji had definitely not made the best choice in how to go through with this. Entering in the same moment as Byakuya came had meant entering in the one moment when the noble had had no possibility to control the clenching of his muscles, or in other words, to reduce pain and injury. Renji had not been able to see any blood in the dark, but chances were high that there was some.

Still, somehow right now that failed to disturb the noble very much. And that was amazing, almost unbelievable. Not such a long time ago he had not even been able to think of something like this without losing all control and his mind with it. And now it hardly even mattered. Until the very last moment it had felt almost impossible to give in. But now that it had been done he could not completely understand anymore why even just thinking about it had been so bad.

So much had changed.
But then, so much had to stay the same, nonetheless.
For even though he might be a different Byakuya now, he was still Byakuya.

He knew that on the outside they could let nobody know about this. The rules were clear on it and too much was at stake to just go and have them shattered. Even though their importance for Byakuya might have lessened through all that had happened in the last weeks, they had been too much a part of him for too long to simply start ignoring them now. As captain and as head of his clan he simply carried too much responsibility.

There were to be no relationships of this kind between superior and subordinate. Captain and lieutenant could be friends at best, but nothing more than that. Anything more only complicated things, blinded a person to the tasks at hand, the tasks that were needed to keep Soul Society running. Byakuya had just experienced how much power there was in feelings, how easily they could throw a person off a track that had lain so clearly before them for such a long time. It still scared him.

He knew that, whenever they were on duty, he had to be Kuchiki-Taichou and Renji would have to be Abarai-Fukutaichou. And nothing more. It was the one condition that would make it possible for the noble to accept all this and to have them be just Byakuya and Renji when they were alone. He just hoped the redhead would tolerate this.

The black-haired man turned around, carefully as not to wake Renji, until the redhead's arm lay loosely over Byakuya's side and they were face to face. Renji's features were solemn in his sleep, here and there covered by a few strands of red hair. Byakuya just watched, his mind sending out the one request that was so crucial to him now.

If Renji managed to be a loyal lieutenant to his captain when they were at work, Byakuya would accept both of them to be a lot more when they were not on duty. They could be equal. Even though a stray dog and a noble, they would be equal. If Renji had only known that since a long, long time already, his captain had not thought of him as stray anymore. That word had been just a defense, a shield to hide the noble from emotions he had then still interpreted as weakness.

After last night it was strange to think of how much he had been opposed to these feelings, this warmth that, even though he had never consciously realized it, he had missed since he had lost Hisana. Though what he felt now was different, of course, from what he had felt then. What he had felt in the past had been deep, calm and balanced. This right now with Renji was a tempest. Unstable, churning, passionate. And still, it was impossible to say which of these two kinds of affection, of love, was better or worse, or truer.

But one thing he finally realized and admitted, though he would not yet speak of it, would possibly never actually voice it. He loved. He loved once again. And that fact finally made it possible for him to accept what he had lost. It didn't hurt anymore to think of Hisana and that sudden realization made him push himself up fast enough to make Renji stir, though the redhead did not yet wake.

It did not hurt anymore. The moment in Byakuya's office when Renji had dared speaking her name and had pushed the noble over the edge with it, when all the buried pain Byakuya had been carrying around all that time – because he had never properly dealt with it – had come crashing down on him, in that moment the first step to finally letting go of her had been made. Having learned to accept his feelings again through Renji, having given into the redhead last night, the process of letting her go was at last finalized.

The narrow strip of sunlight touched his raven hair as he sat calmly beside the still sleeping and softly snoring Renji and slowly, he smiled. He closed his eyes and smiled to himself the one genuine smile that Hisana deserved as a goodbye.

This peace, this calmness of mind was what Byakuya had been craving for so long and, knowing Renji and himself well enough by now to presume it might not last all that long, he remained where he was, unmoving. Almost on its own his hand sought out Renji's, which still lay in Byakuya's lap and soon rested on top of it. That soft touch was what finally woke Renji up.

He stirred and yawned, but his eyes only half opened. He was not completely in the world of the waking yet, but he felt something against his arm, something familiar that his body remembered having been very close to for the last hours. He moved forward, curling up against the sitting form of Byakuya until he was pressed closely against him once more. Then it seemed he would just drift back into sleep, but as he took a deep breath it filled his nose with Byakuya's scent mingled with the other scents of this particular night and suddenly he was wide awake.

The face he looked up into was calm. The smile had faded from it, but it didn't appear arrogant or annoyed as Renji had feared it might. It just looked calm and thoughtful. For a moment Renji was about to loosen the hold he had around Byakuya's waist, but after a moment of thought didn't. While the noble wasn't exactly encouraging the closeness he didn't seem to oppose it, either. His pale hand was still on Renji's arm after all, unmoving, but there.

“Ya a'right?” Renji, voice still thick with sleep, asked after some seconds had passed.

He couldn't help being a little worried. He knew that some almost impossible border had finally been crossed last night, but considering the way the noble had been acting up until now, there was no good reason to be a hundred percent sure of what the dark-haired man might think or how he might react.

Byakuya looked ahead, his hand still on top of Renji's arm. He thought about the question. For a second as Renji had curled around him he had felt slightly tense, but as soon as the redhead's bare chest had settled against his lower back that feeling had passed again.

“Yes,” he eventually answered without looking down.

Renji's eyes remained fastened on him, but when Byakuya did not say anything else and his expression didn't change, the redhead just gave a little grunt and closed his eyes again.

“So, ya won't be runnin' away anymore?”

The words came in a slightly mocking tone of voice but did not sound as casual as Renji would have liked them to. Byakuya felt the arm around him tighten its hold slightly and looked at the redhead, but Renji's face was mostly buried in the blanket around the noble's waist. After long seconds of thought Byakuya said, “I don't think so. Much has changed.”

Renji looked up again, surprised by the straight honesty in that answer. The noble was composed, almost relaxed. He didn't smile, but he was here, in broad daylight in Renji's arms, of his own free will. He was here after what they had done last night and the redhead felt the blood rising to his face as he remembered. He pulled even closer.

“Well, I really hope so. Was seriously gettin' tired of it.”

Byakuya hardly even acknowledged those words. He looked down onto his own hand on top of Renji's. He traced the redhead's lower arm with his fingertips once, then took hold of it to move it away. Renji complied, though reluctantly and Byakuya got up, the blanket falling from his slender hips to expose him completely.

As Renji's eyes followed the lines of the noble's back he was inevitably drawn downwards, a shiver crossing through him as he remembered how that body had felt underneath him. But as he looked at Byakuya's buttocks he halted. Only partly to be seen in the shadow of the crease between them was a little dark spot. A speck of blood.

But Byakuya moved smoothly and without any indication of discomfort and only as he was about to retrieve his yukata from the floor did he notice where Renji's gaze went and his own hand followed toward the same place. He paused for a moment as he lifted it back to his face and looked at a speck of dried blood on his fingers but then he just brushed it off against his thigh. As he bent down to pick up his yukata he realized that the redhead's eyes were still on him and that they regarded him with some doubt.

But the noble stayed silent and proceeded to pull the garment over his shoulders, then turned toward the sliding door and opened it. The sunlight seemed to embrace him almost like a living thing, as if beckoning him to step further outside, but he remained standing in the room, his back to Renji.

The redhead rose. He automatically reached for his hakama but then recalled what had been the last thing he had done with it and decided that maybe it wasn't so bad to stay naked for now. It wasn't as if he had anything to hide. Not even the fact that Byakuya's naked body had done enough to start waking his interest once more. But then it wasn't as if there was anything wrong with that and the noble would just have to live with it. Renji stepped up behind Byakuya, only a few centimeters between them, his face now lit by the same, bright morning light the noble was bathing in already.

After a few seconds the dark-haired man turned and looked Renji in the eyes.

“You wanted me to say last night that I am yours.”
Renji frowned.
“Yeah,” he said with slight hesitation, not sure what the noble was getting at.
“I meant it. I am yours, and I want you to be mine in return. There is just one thing...”
“I knew it,” Renji interrupted but then went quite again as Byakuya touched the tattooed chest lightly with his fingertips.

“You need to be a loyal lieutenant to me when we are at work. Nothing more. Officially we can be nothing more than that. Nobody can know about us.”
Renji frowned, not sure how to understand this. “But...,” he started, but Byakuya still continued.

“I ask this of you even though I know I have asked so much of you already but I need this to be clear. There are responsibilities we both have. What has happened between us has disturbed our work for much too long already.”

Renji's brows were knotted and his mouth was a defiant line. It felt unfair, having Byakuya ask something like that of him. After all the trouble he went through to finally get this far he was now supposed to completely hide what they had from everybody else? Of course he'd be Byakuya's lieutenant, of course he would follow orders, but act as if nothing ever happened? How was he even supposed to do it? He was not the man who was able to just slip a mask on and off whenever necessary.

Byakuya looked at him intently, eyes dark and serious.

“I don't get... 'f course I'll be your lieutenant. But even otherwise ya... ya want me to deny?”
“Renji, no... it,” he said, “it must be. It...”
Renji snorted.
“Yeah, whatever ya think must be.”
Byakuya swallowed and frowned.
“It will also make it easier for both of us, to keep it to ourselves. Not having to answer questions while we... get used to being...” He stopped and Renji groaned.
“Oh man... ya can't even say it can ya?”

Renji was pretty sure that even with drastic measures he would hardly be able to make Byakuya admit what he felt. The noble looked away. But after a moment of consideration Renji simply grabbed the dark-haired man's chin and turned his face back up so Byakuya was forced to look at the redhead. There was a flicker of a little indignation in the gray eyes but it passed. Then there was only unease.

“Ya really can't say it. Can't admit what ya feel, can't show it. An' it's all just about you again, ain't it? Ya feel better hidin' so I'm s'pposed to play your game, right? 's always about you.”

Byakuya's anxiety was growing rapidly, tightening his throat along the way, making it impossible to speak. Not that he would have been able to think of anything to say to defend himself. He did not want to risk losing Renji, now that they had finally come this far and after all that had happened, but he needed time. He could not just change his whole being from one day to the other. Even Renji should understand that, shouldn't he? Byakuya was willing to change. And this time he would not stop half-way in between anymore because he had crossed a border so important that nothing could ever make that step undone. But he could not be expected to turn into another person just like that, from one day to the other.

The redhead looked at Byakuya while he considered, positively scrutinizing the noble.

Byakuya had given in last night after all, and he was still here now on this morning, wasn't fleeing and wasn't denying what had happened. And he had said he wanted Renji to be his and would be Renji's, which was – now that the redhead let the words run through his head again – quite a big confession coming from the noble. Also, in the last few minutes, Byakuya might have very well said more to Renji than probably ever before in such a short amount of time and most of that speech had been a request, a plea, basically. One of quite a few pleas in the last weeks, now that he thought back on it.

The redhead sighed and let go of the noble's chin, at the same time pushing it backwards slightly. Then he waved his hand in the air as if passing off a silly question.
“Wha'ever,” he said, “guess it's the only way ya'll finally get your act together. Please yaself then,” he said and turned around, stepping back into the room.

Byakuya stood stock still, not quite sure how to understand this. Renji stopped in front of the futon and then looked back over his shoulder, regarding the noble just from the corner of one eye.

“Tha' was a yes,” the redhead said.

Byakuya closed his eyes and let out a quiet sigh, his tension fading. As he looked up again, Renji had turned around toward him and was holding out one hand, his features solemn. After a moment of hesitation Byakuya followed the gesture and stepped up to the redhead but he did not take the hand presented to him. Instead he reached for the taller man's neck and gently pulled Renji's head down.

Byakuya closed his eyes as their foreheads touched.

And in that moment Renji understood that, with Byakuya, there was no sense in waiting for big confessions of great emotions, for vows or knee-falling pleas. In fact it seemed one could hardly even expect the simplest words. But then there were moments like this, when the smallest and plainest gesture, one tiny touch, could convey everything any of them ever needed to know.

Thank you, Byakuya thought, as Renji's arms closed around him.


~~~