Finding Home

Warning Yaoi that means Boy x Boy so if you don’t like it don’t read it. If you do like it then I hope you enjoy it. Dark themes are present in this fiction.



AN: Thank you to Jennifer, Yakumo, Darkephoenix , Affie and Rysha for the reviews. I know that it was awful of me to kill Momo but her personality to me says that without Aizen she cant survive kinda similar to how abused women feel. They are conditioned to be unable to do anything without that abusive spouse. So it was the only logical conclusion to draw, not to mention Kira has been dealing with suicidal thoughts as well so I used the Hitsugaya at the grave to give Kira a visual of the pain of those left behind. I absolutely love Toushiro that’s why after I write the Kenpachi/Kira fic for riokali which will be started after this one is finished I plan to write a third story in this universe which will be a Toushiro/OC Het fic. So Momo’s death kinda gives Toushiro his own demons to deal with.



Finding Home



Chapter Four



The walk back to Izuru’s apartment was uneventful. The afternoon sun beat hotly upon the two figures. The two shinigami walked in amicable silence. Izuru spent much of the trek lost in his own thoughts. The memories of Momo’s suicide and the nightmare that Hitsugaya-taicho had gone through, haunted Izuru’s thoughts. Would his own death cause such pain for those close to him. Hitsugaya had nearly gone insane. Izuru had been nearby when the icy reiatsu had nearly frozen half of Seireitei. The small taicho had been cradling the cold body of Momo and whimpering incoherently. When a Division Four healer had attempted to pull him away, his fury had been released. The poor healer had been hospitalized for a week. Zaraki-taicho and Komamura-taicho had been called to restrain the small man.



The young taicho, though reserved before, was now even more reserved. Some of the spunky fire that had dwelled in him had diminished. Even now there was a slight shadow now living in the large aquamarine eyes of the young taicho. Now he was more similar to Kuchiki-taicho before his relationship with Gin. The only difference was the obvious pain that dwelled in his eyes. Very few shinigami would meet his eyes now, the anguish was that visible.



Izuru had always thought the young taicho cold but Momo had always had a tenderness for her childhood friend. Even in the academy, Momo would talk about little Shiro. Izuru found his relief in the pain he inflicted upon himself, Momo hadn’t had a release. It had built in her until finally she could no longer bear it. Izuru knew the feeling. Momo would have understood. If only he had talked to her perhaps they could have saved each other. Now Momo was dead and Izuru was barely able to function without cutting himself.



Perhaps he would return to see Momo soon. Even in death, her company was a comfort to him. Izuru glanced at Renji walking silently beside him. His eyes traced the jagged black tattoos trailing over from his forehead down his neck to disappear beneath the hem of his uniform kimono. Renji was as loud in appearance as he was in voice. It never ceased to amaze Izuru how well Renji and Kuchiki-taicho got along. Of course they had their own disagreements like any co-worker but for some reason, Renji had flourished under Kuchiki’s leadership. He was more confident in his abilities as a shinigami.



Izuru watched the light filter through the bright red hair. Izuru hadn’t known that color of hair was possible. He wondered if all his body hair was that stunning red. Izuru blushed slightly at the direction his thoughts were going. Renji was a friend not someone to be stared at and ogled. Izuru quickly dropped his gaze to the ground.



“Ya know, Kira, I’ve been thinking.” Renji began, his hand going to the back of his neck in a nervous motion.



“Dangerous for you.” Izuru joked before he had even realized he had said anything. Renji stopped and looked his fellow fukutaicho. At first it seemed in shock then a happy smile bloomed on his face. Renji really was attractive when he smiled.



“That’s the first time I’ve heard you make a joke in forever.” said Renji, the smile never leaving his face. Izuru glanced at his smiling companion. Had he really been that focused on his own pain that he hadn’t seen how it affected his friends. It didn’t matter really. He couldn’t stop. He had already lost control of it. His life was out of his own power.



“There ya go again, ya withdraw in yourself. I see it in ya eyes. They go dark and haunted. It reminds me of Momo before……ya know.” said Renji the smile dropping from his face. “I don’t want to have to wear the same look as Hitsugaya-taicho.”



Izuru dropped his gaze and looked off into the distance. What could Renji know. He had never been abandoned by his Taicho. He had never been given renewed hope only to have it crushed once again. He couldn’t feel the pain that was always there. It never went away.



“You don’t understand.” said Izuru in a monotonous voice.



“Then make me understand, damnit!” yelled Renji, throwing his hands up in the air. It was so frustrating for Renji. One moment he would be making headway with his friend only to have to backtrack once again. Two steps forward, three steps back as the saying went.



“It cant be explained, just leave it Renji. I’m not broken, I’m ruined. Broken things can be fixed.” whispered Izuru his eyes refusing to meet Renji’s. This was too painful. This day had begun to take its toil on Izuru and this argument with Renji wasn’t helping.



“Don’t fucking talk like that.” growled Renji “You aren’t broken and you sure as fuck aren’t ruined.”



“Just leave it Renji. I’ll walk the rest of the way alone. See you around.” said Izuru and flickered as he flash stepped away.



Izuru opened the door to his apartment slowly. The despair of his fight with Renji was weighing heavy on his soul. That coupled with the seemingly never ending despair was potent. He needed the pain. Today had become unbearable. Izuru brought out his razor his hand shaking. ‘This is as low as a person can go.’ thought Izuru as he brought the razor to his chest. Closing his eyes as the physical pain distracted him.



Suddenly Izuru began to cry. Tears streaming down his face. It was too much. Even with the pain, his emotional turmoil was too much. Izuru screamed in agony. ‘Why? Why do I have to feel so much with no one to understand me.’ Lowering his head to the floor, Izuru quaked with his tears and silent screams. He was lost. There was no fixing him. There was no point.



Hands gripped his shoulders and his face was pressed in a warm chest. The tears refused to stop. The musky scent coupled with the slight scent of sunshine and sweat. Renji’s scent. How? Why? Izuru trembled under the force of his emotions. Renji was here, holding him. How had he known how much Izuru needed someone. How had he known that the pain was so bad that death had been in the very room moments ago. Renji’s simple presence, the strong arms holding him were the only thing keeping him grounded. Izuru crying intensified. The sobs were quaking his entire body. Renji simply held him close.



“Shhhhh, its ok. I’m the only person here, let it all out.” whispered the gentle voice. That voice soothed the ragged edges of Izuru’s soul. The voice that was smooth as the most expensive sake, it offered gentleness and promised relief from the suffering. Izuru whimpered slightly and buried his face even deeper in the chest that was now wet from his tears. The sobs began to fade into to hiccups.



Renji pulled away and Izuru whimpered and simply sat there slumped on the floor unable to even move. Moments later, Renji returned with a warm washcloth and began to wipe the blood from Izuru’s chest. Taking a bandage, Renji dressed the small cut and picked up the blonde. Carrying a limp Izuru, Renji placed him on his futon. Renji started to straighten but Izuru grasped his uniform in desperate hands. “Please” whimpered Izuru desperately “Don’t leave me, not tonight.” Renji was the only thing that was keeping back the darkness. Izuru didn’t think he would survive if Renji left.



Renji’s eyes widened. Renji lowered himself next to the broken man. Izuru had asked him to stay. He needed his presence. Renji pulled the smaller man closer. Burying his face once again in the warm chest, Izuru breathed in deep the scent of Renji.



“I wont leave you, Izuru. Not as long as you want me to stay.” whispered Renji. Leaning down he brushed his lips across Izuru’s cheek. Izuru sighed and relaxed into the embrace. He felt safe and the pain was no longer tearing his soul to shreds. Here with Renji, he still hurt but it was like a distant dream.



“Renji?” Izuru whispered into Renji‘s chest.



“Yea?” answered Renji, his voice vibrating through his chest.



“How did you know?”



“Your eyes. They died. Ya died right in front of me. Ya were standing there living and breathing and then ya died. I wont let ya go. Ya aren’t broken or ruined. Ya are lost and I’m going to guide ya home.” Renji said sadly. The moment Izuru had left him standing on the street, Renji had panicked. He had seem Izuru’s eyes go cold and his heart had stopped. Zabimaru had seen it as well. The baboon spirit had screamed at him to follow Kira.



Izuru buried his face deeper in the chest. Neither spoke. The shadows of the day began to creep across the floor. Both remained locked in each others arms. The darkness held only comfort. Slowly sleep claimed them both. For the first time in what seemed like an eternity, Izuru truly rested.



In the darkness of the shambles of his inner world a ray of light shone. The rain waned and the cowering woman looked up from her tears. Hope gleamed in her eyes. For the first time in what seemed like a lifetime, she lifted her bowed head and joy radiated through her being. The wounded soul of her partner had found peace. If only in this moment he had found peace and in the unlikely arms of Abarai Renji. Hope was born and she only prayed that the Rukon raised shinigami could heal the wounded soul of her master. Time would tell and she would pray for the day when her beloved Izuru would laugh and talk with her once again.



TBC



AN: Whoa, that was an intense chapter for me to write. There were times when I had to put down the keyboard and pace the floor beside my chair. I almost felt Izuru’s pain. That was perhaps the most emotionally painful chapter for me. I hope I didn’t depress anyone. From here on out it gets better and more happy now that Izuru has Renji finally actively helping him. Also I know a lot of people like a lot of sex but I don’t write sex stories as most of my reviewers know. I write romance. There will be lemons and all the good stuff but I needed to get all of this out of the way so Izuru could heal. I hope you enjoyed this chapter so review and let me know what you think. Oh and Affie let me know when you post your next chapter in that fic with Kenpachi I cant wait to read how you will use that inspiration I gave you XD