Do Words Make a Bit of Difference?

When dawn broke the next day, I woke as our custom. The absence of her warmth was the first thing I noticed. I cracked open my eyes, looking for her. Neither Rukia nor the jinbei she’d taken to wearing were anywhere to be seen. I felt so stupid, so fucking used since she’d obviously left because of what we’d done. I, Red Pineapple Headed Idiot that I was, had known this would happen. I had known she’d run off and leave me all alone and I’d gone ahead and done it anyway. I stretched out mentally, searching for her familiar scent, her reiastu.

It wasn’t really a scent so much as an aura and it was hard to look for even when my mind was calm and clear. Nonetheless, I tried. She wasn’t anywhere nearby, so I tried to extend farther outward. Still no sign of her. Tears, unbidden and unwanted seared that spot behind my eyes, trying to escape. I was determined not to cry, to retain a small modicum of dignity as my chest heaved. I had thought, hoped, prayed, when she told me that she loved me the previous night that she’d meant it with all her heart as I had.

That I was wrong felt like death. I went through the motions of dressing mechanically and rolled our sleeping mats up and stored them in a small box under one of the buildings. Why I went through the trouble I wasn’t certain, except for the sense of normality it gave. I felt strangely bigger than myself, as if I had stretched out too far and hadn’t snapped back to my body. Everything looked warped and out of focus.

I crawled through the space under the buildings that surrounded the spit of land that had been claimed so long ago. Others like me had shown me where to find that sanctuary and I wondered if I would ever do the same for some other poor unfortunate soul who needed a safe place to sleep. I hoped if that ever came to pass, whether they’d fare better than I had, than any of us who had claimed refuge there ever had.

I walked through the streets, feeling dirty and in need of a bath before I faced another day scrounging for food. The willow tree next to the river we’d always used to shelter us from prying eyes seemed smaller than it had in the past, its leaves upon its long, thin branches scarcely offering cover. I shrugged out of my slightly smelly clothes, wishing I’d thought to bring soap to wash myself and the garments I shrugged out of.

Instead I used sand as I had so many times before, scrubbing what felt like layers of skin from my body. The water was cold and I shivered uncontrollably after I left its frigid embrace. I tied my fundoshi in place and lay down on the grass in a patch of sun between the water and the trailing branches of the tree to dry off. My eyes closed against the glare of the sun and I fell asleep clutching my clothes in my hand.

I woke disoriented, confused, to something nudging me. I was instantly alert and I grabbed and rolled over, finding purchase in a fistful of fabric. I pulled with all my strength. My eyes flew open as I rolled and knelt with my elbow pressed against the throat of the fucking idiot who disturbed me. I’m not sure which of us more surprised as I looked down into the face of the girl who owned my heart and had broken it.

“Rukia?” I said stupidly, scrambling backwards, releasing her abruptly. I turned away from her and yanked my hakama on as quickly as I was able. The ties slid between my fingers, but I managed, eventually, to fasten them. As I shrugged the kosode on, I turned to face her. The sunlight made a nimbus around her head and my breath caught in my throat. It wasn’t fair that she should be so beautiful.

I sighed, “What do you want Rukia?”

She smiled awkwardly and picked up a wrapped package she must’ve dropped when I attacked her. I felt momentarily bad for possibly causing her harm, but pushed the feeling resolutely aside. Her smile was tremulous and growing more uncertain as I stared at her. She held the package out and said, “I picked this up for you.”

I was confused, hurt, unable to figure out what she wanted, so I took the squishy package from her. She smiled encouragingly and told me to open it. I reluctantly obliged and picked apart the wrapping. Inside were several semi-warm, partially squashed taiyaki.

“I figured you might be hungry,” she said quietly.

I picked up one of the fish-shaped pancakes I loved so much and inelegantly shoved the whole thing in my mouth. The sweet bean paste it contained squirted out the sides and some of it dribbled out the corner of my mouth. I wiped it away with a swipe of my arm. Rukia just smiled indulgently, as if she expected my capitulation and horrendous eating habits all along.

“Where were you this morning?” I asked quietly, after swallowing.

“Oh, you know, I had things to do, places to be, people to steal from…”

“No, I don’t know, Rukia. I… After last night, I thought you’d be there when I woke up.”

She looked away, at the river flowing behind me. I wanted to shake her, to make her hurt like I hurt, but resisted the urge.

“I want to visit them. I tried to go alone, but I couldn’t make myself walk that path up the mountain. Stupid, huh? I need to go, Renji and I couldn’t do it,” she finally said, so quietly I wondered if it had just been the wind.

“I’ll go with you, Rukia” I finally told her. I wanted to toss the taiyaki in the river, but I was hungry. I wrapped the remaining ones back up and smiled at her. I’m pretty sure she saw right through me, but she didn’t say anything.

The walk back through the district and up the mountain was longer than I remembered it and people more inclined to get out of our way than they had in the past. Thinking back it probably had something to do with the scowl I wore. Rukia walked beside me, waving to some of the kids we knew and I could feel her all the sadness and regret bubbling under her skin. I tried not to think of how that skin had felt under me the night before, or how it tasted. It was the worst sort of torture to be so near her.

As she stood over the mounds I dug for Ai, Takashi and Kenshin, Rukia brushed the tears that had gathered in her lashes away with an impatient flick of her wrist and straightened her shoulders. She finally speared me with a look that scared me to my bones.

“I want to try out for the Shinou Academy.”

“Huh?” I was surprised by the first words she’d spoken since we’d left for that hidden, forgotten place up in the mountains.

“I want to become a Shinigami, Renji,” she said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

I laughed nervously, “Are you sure, Rukia? It’s not as easy as you might think. I mean, I could get a real job,” at this I resisted an involuntary shudder, “and we could get a place…maybe fix this one up…”

Her face fell into the stubborn lines I recognized from when we were small children arguing about futsal. “Yes, Renji, of course I’m sure. I’m not just the little girl you picked up on a street corner anymore. I know I can do this. Can’t you support my decision?”

I slowly unwrapped the package I’d carried since she’d met me at the river and ate one of the two remaining taiyaki, trying to avoid answering her. When it became clear that she would patiently wait for an answer, I finally gave in. “Sure, Rukia, I think that it’s a great idea,” my voice betrayed my words, but she still looked somewhat pleased at my answer. On impulse, I said “I’ll try out too. Maybe we’ll both get accepted. That way we can stay together.”

She stepped closer to me and ran a rough hand down my cheek, “I’d like that, Renji. I’d like that a lot.”

I tried to contain the shiver that ran through me at her touch, wanted desperately to hide the reaction of my body at her caress. I smiled at her as I finished the last of the taiyaki she’d brought me.

When the fish-shaped pancake was eaten, I stood up and brushed the crumbs from my front. “When do you want to do leave?” I asked. She stood so close to me that I could smell her and I wanted so badly to wrap my arms around her and drag her to the back to the square of dirt in the city with me, but I didn’t.

“I need to visit Yori, since we’re here. After that, I think I’d like to go,” her words threw me into a panic. I nodded carefully, even though I wanted to stay and… As if I could deny her anything even if I wanted it to. I suddenly remembered our little box; the sleeping mats were in it, a few pieces of clothes, all of our worthless treasures.

“Do you want to go back for our stuff?” I asked as I tried to delay what seemed inevitable. Maybe she won’t even be accepted into the stupid academy , a petty voice in my head piped up. I shook away the thought, no she’s wanted this forever and she needs this chance.

Instead of answering, she dug through her pockets, “I kinda figured, hoped, really,” she amended quickly, “that you’d come with me. So I brought the important stuff with me. You know, just in case you agreed. I just… I want to go, Renji, right after we’ve finished here. I have this feeling if we don’t leave as soon as possible; we’ll never be able to. Weird, huh?” as she finished speaking, she held out her hands. I saw the smooth rock that Takashi had found by the river and fingered endlessly, Kenshin's crude, little wooden flute, Yori’s makeshift ribbon and Ai’s bright blue handkerchief.

“What about our clothes, Rukia and our sleeping mats and the rest of our crap?” I asked as she returned the items to folds in her clothes.

“Our clothes? You’ll grow out of whatever’s left after a month of eating well, Renji and I’m wearing everything of mine. I can’t take any of Ai’s stuff; it wouldn’t fit even if I wanted it to. And anyway, they’ll give us uniforms at the academy and sleeping mats,” she asked as she continued walking through the waist high grass.

Standing in front of Yori’s grave, Rukia asked “Don’t you want to go now? I’d understand if you want to stay, but…”

I nodded, unable to speak past the lump in my throat. We really were just going to go and it hit me that I’d miss our life, crappy as it may have been. I’d miss the district that we grew up in and knowing half of the people that walked by. I’d miss my reputation. I’d miss having Rukia to myself.

“You’re all I have left, Renji. You’re it,” she said with such finality I wanted to turn back time. “I’m so sorry about yesterday. I made you… I knew how you felt and I made you do that anyways. I didn’t mean for it to go that far. It was a mistake and I’m sorry. Truly, Renji. It’s just that I can’t be more than your friend. I want to be your friend. Only your friend, like we’ve always been. OK?”

So this is what it felt like to be eviscerated, I thought, as I smiled and said, “I’m glad ya said something, Rukia, I feel the same way.” Liar, liar hakama on fire. “And there’s nothing to be sorry for. Really. It was my fault,” that, at least, was true. “I’ll always be your friend.” The words tasted like ashes in my mouth, but I somehow managed to say them without vomiting or bursting into tears like a sissy.

~*~


So a round of E-Sake goes to SexyBleach for my first ever review. Thank you very much for your kind words- you have no idea how much they meant to me. You rock!

Thanks also to those who rated but didn't review.

I re-appropriated a song by A Perfect Circle for the chapter title. You may ask, do I own or make money off of it? Nope, sure don't. Do feel free to give it a listen, though. I particularly enjoy the Tilling My Grave remix.

Next installment will be up shortly.

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