The Sweetest Downfall

a/n: Wahoo! I finally finished this! So expect updates every week until it is complete.

Also, I don't remember if I mentioned this earlier or not, but this entire fic is from Renji's POV. So if you were anxiously waiting to see something from Gin's POV or Izuru's, I'm sorry. There won't be any of that. I wanted to write something from Renji's (my fave's) POV since I hadn't yet. He's quite fun. *grins*

Thanks to everyone who is enjoying this pet project of mine. I'm pleasantly surprised to find that it is appealing to so many people. Thanks to everyone who reviews this as well! Thanks to Anise (Yeah, Gin's motivations are always confusing. I may have to consider a side-fic from his and Izuru's POV. Thanks!), Kuromei (I promise, Izuru explains some -- maybe all -- of his reasoning in upcoming chapters. But a lot of it is implied I'm afraid. Eh heh.... Thanks!), Lynzee, Yakumo, and satterb (Y'know, I wouldn't be surprised if Gin WAS watching them. lol).

Enjoy the chapter! We skip a head a bit in time here and WOW! LOOK OUT FOR THOSE SPOILERS. lol

The Sweetest Downfall
Part Five – To Fix the Twist

The cot was uncomfortable, digging into his bare back. Renji stared at the ceiling, anger growing behind his eyes. He seethed internally, but more for his defeat than anything else. He couldn't believe he had been defeated by that human brat. How could that kid get so powerful so damn quickly? It was just stupid.

Worse, now he was stuck here, in this cell, unable to do a damn thing about anything. Not about the ryoka invasion. Not about Rukia's pending execution. Not about anything. He was as useless now as he had always been. Powerless and useless. Where did he get off thinking he could reach Kuchiki Byakuya? He couldn't even defeat some punk from the Living World! Strolling in here with his bright hair and his cocky attitude, talking about he was going to save Rukia. A job that should have belonged to Renji but didn't anymore because he just wasn't good enough. He hadn't saved her then, why did he deserve to do so now?

And strangely, Renji believed that cocky bastard. He thought Ichigo could actually do it. Where Renji had failed, he thought Ichigo might succeed, even if it seemed the odds were stacked against him. And it burned, it boiled in Renji's blood. All his training, his drive, it was for nothing.

A low chuckle pulled him from his self-loathing. Renji peeled open his eyes, focusing through the darkness towards the bars of his cell. He thought he recognized that laugh, having heard it far too often in the past few weeks. It made him think of nights of nothing but sex, submitting his body to another for the sake of his best friend.

Renji's eyes narrowed as he caught sight of the third division captain on the other side of the bars, and wished he could sit up to a better position. But his wounds still ached. So the best he could do was glare at Ichimaru, fingers curling into loose fists.

“My, Renji-kun, ya look a little beaten.”

“Shut up,” he snarled, because he really didn't want to hear it from Ichimaru right now. He knew he had failed. He didn't need that bastard reminding him.

Ichimaru chuckled again, his fingers sliding across the metal of the bars. “That ryoka really did a number on ya. He didn't seem too strong ta me.”

“You're the one that let 'im get away!” Renji retorted, even though he was partially glad that had happened. Because Ichigo could save Rukia.

“Did I?” Ichimaru tilted his head to the side, something glittering behind his half-slitted eyes. “Oops. My mistake.”

A flurry of emotions soared through Renji, though frustration topped the pile. “Did ya come here just ta mock me?”

“Perhaps.” Ichimaru moved to the door, producing a key from somewhere and letting himself inside. He slid the gate shut behind him, though he didn't lock it into place. “Mebbe I jes like seein' ya helpless.”

Renji stilled, wondering if Ichimaru were really that perverted to attack a completely defenseless man. “Pervert,” he hissed, all too aware of his nudity. Renji wasn't normally self-conscious about such a thing, but he could feel Ichimaru's gaze raking over him, practically eating him alive with his eyes alone.

And he hated that his body wanted to respond, tightening in places that had no business reacting to Ichimaru's presence.

Ichimaru moved into the room, until he stood at the side of Renji's bed, looking down on him. There was something strange in those half-slitted eyes of his, something that Renji couldn't identify and it made him very uncomfortable. He resisted the urge to squirm.

“What do you want?” Renji asked, belligerent because he was already in prison, shackled to a cot. There wasn't much more Ichimaru could do to him at this moment. Besides, he'd gotten the impression that Ichimaru enjoyed his aggressiveness.

The captain chuckled, lifting one pale hand and dancing his fingers spider-like across Renji's bare chest. Tracing dark, marked lines. “Always the knight and never the prince, ne, Abarai-kun?” Ichimaru asked, flicking one finger over a flattened nipple before continuing the random tracing.

Renji bit his lip, refusing to respond, even if his heart thudded loudly in his chest, too used to Ichimaru's presence. “What are you talking about?”

The hand abruptly flattened in the middle of his chest, Ichimaru's palm fever-hot against his skin, making his flesh prickle. The captain leaned over, closer now, his face mere inches from Renji's own. His breath warm as it washed over Renji, his hair smelling like an odd mixture of blood and smoke and ice.

“Ya want ta save her, but it looks like Kurosaki'll get there first,” Ichimaru said, leaning his weight down on Renji's chest, his reiatsu prickling as it flooded Renji's skin, making him itch all over. “Just some ryoka from somewhere, savin' yer precious?”

Renji twitched, unable to move beneath Ichimaru's strength and reiatsu, feeling the prickle like a thousand blades pressing against his skin. Ichimaru just smirked, blithely continuing, ignoring Renji's struggles.

“Ya can't save Rukia. Ya can't save Izuru...” He paused, cocking his head to the side as he lifted his palm, dragging his nails down Renji's chest. “Ya can't even save yerself. Ya really can't save anyone, can ya? Yer nothin' but a bunch of empty promises.”

“Bastard!” Renji growled, something inside of him clenching, dragging down, swelling until it felt like he couldn't breathe. Because Ichimaru was wrong but he was right and Renji hated it, despised it. Loathed him with a passion he'd never felt so strongly before.

“What do you know about anything?” Renji demanded, the heated glare emerging from his eyes the only weapon he had in this dark cell. His manacles rattled and he could feel Zabimaru inside of him, hissing with displeasure, wanting to break free.

He'd gotten stronger over the months, over the weeks. With vice-captain badge in hand, Renji had aimed higher. And even so, he still could not beat Ichimaru! He was still just as weak and powerless as he had been before. And Renji hated it.

Ichimaru chuckled, the sound echoing around the cell. Somewhere beyond them, voices shouted, and Renji knew that battles still raged. He longed to be out there, doing something, doing anything more than sitting useless in this cell. They needed him!

“A lot more than ya think,” Ichimaru answered, his reiatsu vibrating around him. “I know my vice-captain, Abarai. And I think by now, I know ya, too.”

Confused, Renji's sharp retort fall flat and empty. He didn't know what in the world Ichimaru hinted to, but he didn't like the strange edge in the captain's voice. Usually teasing and mocking, there was something different in Ichimaru's tone. Something that didn't speak of malice, but regret perhaps. And sorrow? Renji wasn't sure, his own emotions coloring his interpretation too much for his understanding.

“He's stronger than ya think,” Ichimaru continued, without prompting on Renji's part. “But fragile, too. Take care of him, ne? Think even you can manage tha'?”

Renji shifted uneasily, not liking the look in Ichimaru's eyes. “What the hell are you talking about, Ichimaru? Kira can take care of himself!”

“He can and he can't,” Ichimaru corrected, silver hair catching an odd gleam from the lights. “So 'm leavin' him to you. Since yer the most protective knight and all.”

He didn't like the sound of it, even if those words conjured up other thoughts. Of a single drunken night where Kira kissed him, the feel and taste of Kira's lips lingering long afterwards. A drunken kiss that had never been mentioned again, as though Kira didn't remember it and Renji was too confused to bring up again.

Ichimaru had always been a cryptic bastard, but whatever he was doing right now really confused the hell out of Renji. It left him speechless, unsure what Ichimaru was actually doing here, why he was saying these kinds of things. It sounded like he planned on leaving, resigning from the Gotei-13 perhaps? But where would he go? What would he do?

“So ya better get out of this cell, Renji-kun. 'Cause ya can't do it from here.”

“Easy fer you to say,” Renji retorted, rattling his manacles pointedly. “You're not the one locked up in here.”

Ichimaru chuckled and leaned closer, his breath washing moist over Renji's lips. “Won't be long now,” he murmured enigmatically, and then he kissed Renji, with no warning whatsoever.

Ichimaru's tongue slithered into his mouth, something soft and gentle, rather than harsh and possessing like Renji would have expected. His hand was a hot presence on Renji's chest, sizzling across his skin. And then Ichimaru ended the kiss, unexpectedly quickly, with a parting nip to Renji's lips.

He pulled back, one finger tracing a line down the middle of Renji's chest before Ichimaru drew away completely, leaving no explanation. Not even a hint of expression. Renji was left gaping at the thin outline of his back, the symbol of the third division stark against the whiteness of Ichimaru's haori.

And then Ichimaru was gone, leaving Renji alone in his cell, only a disgruntled Zabimaru for company. The taste of Ichimaru lingering on his lips.

Little did he know, but that was the last time he would ever see Ichimaru as an ally.

-------

Standing on the high cliff of the Soukyouku Hill, clinging desperately to Rukia, Renji wanted nothing more than to escape, to bring her somewhere safe. He stood staring, mouth agape, as the truth of recent events unfolded before him. The air was thick with the odor of smoke and blood, the acrid taste of betrayal.

Renji watched as everything he thought he knew about Soul Society and his allies, about loyalty and trust, crumbled to dust.

He failed there on the hill, as he had everywhere else. Aizen ripped through him and Ichigo as though they were nothing but paper dolls, utterly worthless in his eyes. And Renji was forced to watch as Aizen, a man he had once admired, had gone to for advice, condemned Rukia to death. Renji couldn't do anything but lie there and bleed, cursing his own uselessness.

Renji's world attempted to blur, but he clung to consciousness with determined tenacity. He watched as the three traitors rose into the sky, Ichimaru smirking down at all of them. Apologizing to Matsumoto but thinking nothing of Kira who he left behind. Not even sparing a glance to Renji's beaten form. Not looking back once.

Hands curling into fists, heedless to the pain that ripped through him from the simple motion, Renji ground his teeth. He didn't think he had ever hated anyone more in his life than he had at that moment. He watched as the sky closed around Aizen, and he continued watching until the darkness claimed him.

----------

He woke in the fourth division, his body once more stitched together thanks to Unohana-taichou. Renji ached and he seethed, his mind helpfully replaying for him every moment of Aizen's betrayal. Gradually, he healed, but the resentment remained, even long after he was cleared by Unohana-taichou and returned to active duty.

Renji didn't once forget his anger. Not in the following days when he sat by his captain's bedside, thinking of a single match where he managed to force Kuchiki Byakuya to one knee. Not when he visited Rukia, restoring a connection that had been hopelessly fragmented over the years. And not when he visited Hinamori in her private room, watching her breathe with the help of a machine, her eyes twitching behind their closed lids in remembered nightmares.

He felt helpless when he thought of Hinamori's grief, her shattered trust. And the rage always smoldered anew when he thought of the three captain's betrayal. Hisagi-senpai was taking it better than expected, forging a new bond with Komamura-taichou. He would be fine. But Kira... no one wanted to be there for him. No one even tried.

The feelings poured over him all over again, so helpless as he watched Kira walk around as if the world were on his shoulders. Overcome by a sense of responsibility so strong that no one could talk him out of it, even if there were any to try. It was ridiculous. Why had he even gone to Ichimaru in the first place? What had Renji saved Kira from?

He didn't know. But as more time passed, Renji knew he couldn't just watch anymore. He couldn't just stand by and do nothing like everyone else. He had to do something.

------------

Renji cursed as he stubbed his toe, and reached down to rub it briefly, once again glancing around the dark corridors of the third division. Ichimaru's betrayal and prompt departure afterwards certainly hadn't improved the mood of the place. Regardless of the lateness of the evening, it shouldn't be this gloomy. But Renji could feel the negativity in the air, hanging around like a bad smell. It made him wonder why anyone would want to be here.

And yet, here Renji was, with a very specific purpose in mind. Kira was here somewhere, hiding as he had been for the past week or so. The aftermath of the betrayal of the three captain's had struck Seireitei particularly hard, and it didn't help that the third, fifth, and ninth divisions were all scrutinized for possible future betrayals. Hinamori was still in the fourth division, hooked up to machines, and Hisagi-senpai had buried himself in paperwork. And Kira... he'd locked himself in the solitude of the third division, not asking for help and not accepting it either. He and Matsumoto had already talked over things, but nothing had been done for the rest.

Renji, knowing what he knew, couldn't help but worry. Kira was acting more like a lover left behind than a vice-captain and people were already talking. The rumors had been a steady stream in the weeks before all this happened, but they were even worse now. Renji saw the looks that Kira had been given, as if he were going to betray them at any moment, to go skipping off to Ichimaru's side.

And a part of Renji worried that might actually happen. Kira had respected Ichimaru, had looked at him as someone to be admired. And somehow, Ichimaru had bound Kira to him, no matter how much Renji tried to protect him from that.

Renji wasn't going to let Kira melt into the darkness. He was going to drag the moping blond out of it if he had to. He hadn't spent a year in Ichimaru's perverted grasp for Kira to mope after him like a lovesick puppy. He wanted the old Kira back. The smiling Kira who tried his damnedest at everything and carried his own sort of strength.

His footsteps echoed in the silent, heavy halls and Renji shivered, remembering this path a bit too much for his liking. Ichimaru had taken him here once before, Renji struggling to hold back any sort of noise lest he be heard, Ichimaru's pale hands on his hips, squeezing. Warm breath in his ear, Ichimaru crooning in some absurd parody of being actual lovers. Shivers racing down his spine and pleasure curling in his gut, twisting and pulling until it surged out of his cock, dripping on his own damned shihakushou.

Renji blinked, forcing himself out of that particular recollection as it came dangerously close to making heat stir through his body. He hated Ichimaru, true, but he couldn't deny the many, many times Ichimaru had made him feel pleasure. Even if he always kept the truth to himself.

He had seen Ichimaru and Kira here, too, once. But Renji was definitely not going down that line of thought so he dismissed it as well. Throwing it as far from the forefront of his mind as everything else he needed desperately to forget.

He reached Kira's door a few moments later, finding it shut tight. Renji didn't even debate, immediately lifting a hand and knocking sharply on the door. Silence greeted his ears at first, until he heard the dim sound of something shuffling within. A faint scrape of feet over the floor, possible movement. And then the door opened with an ominous creak that fit in the third division all too well.

Renji, despite knowing that politeness dictated otherwise, didn't wait to be invited inside, he just pushed through the cracked doorway and into the room, plastering a cheery smile on his face. “Evenin' Kira! Just thought I'd stop by for a visit. Wow, it's dark in here.” And just a bit musty, like a room that's been locked away for a long time, but Renji kept that to himself.

Kira watched him as he bustled around, flipping on some lights and casting a pale orange gleam into the main room of Kira's quarters. The bedroom was through a visible doorway, rumpled covers implying that Kira had barely moved from it.

“Abarai-kun?”

Renji stopped in the midst of wandering around the room, trying and failing to be nonchalant. “What? Can't a guy come by ta pay his friend a visit?”

Kira arched one brow, the dark circles under his eyes having worsened in the past few days. “On a normal day, yes. But even I can tell that you're just here to check up on me. Did Hisagi-senpai send you?”

“No,” Renji scoffed. “I came on my own.” He looked around the room, taking in the disheveled appearance of things. Weird, since Kira was usually such a stickler for keeping things neat and organized.

“Why?”

“Because I wanted to,” Renji snapped sharply, bristling. His eyes cut to the blond. “Somethin' wrong with that?”

Kira blinked, and even Renji felt a bit ashamed of himself for his abrupt words. But he hated seeing Kira look like this over Ichimaru of all people. What was there to miss in that bastard? What could Kira have seen in him?

“Take care of Izuru-chan, ne, Renji-kun? Think even ya can manage that?”

Renji scowled, mentally brushing away those words. He wasn't doing this because Ichimaru told him to, but because he was genuinely worried. Rukia didn't need him anymore; that was painfully obvious. Hisagi-senpai was strong, he had his own ways to cope. Hinamori was beyond anything Renji could do. He was only useful here... maybe.

Dammit, he just wanted to see Kira smile again.

The blond shook his head, confusion ripe in his wan expression. “I didn't say that,” Kira continued, and moved to his couch, dropping down into it. Blue eyes looked up at him, a strange coldness behind them. “I never wanted your pity.”

“Pity!” Renji practically squawked, a strange emotion rocketing through him. “Who says this is anythin' to do with pity! I'm just worried about ya. Locked up in here in the dark like some kinda...” He trailed off, frustrated with finding the right words.

“...freak?” Kira supplied, his tone taking a dark edge. “It's not like I don't know, Abarai-kun. I hear things, even if I don't show it. I know what they're saying.”

Frustrated, Renji dropped down into the empty seat next to him, and immediately felt something hard beneath his left hip. He dug around in the cushion, producing a slim sake bottle that didn't make a sound when he shook it. Renji scowled, tossing it over his shoulder.

It shattered somewhere behind him and Kira flinched at the loud sound. Suddenly, some of the not-quite-thereness in Kira's eyes made a hell of a lot sense. Just how much had he drunk?

“I didn't say anythin' 'bout you bein' a freak,” Renji growled, hating that Kira would even think that of him. Had their friendship become so fragile that Kira no longer even trusted him? “What kind of person do ya think I am!”

“I wasn't talking about you,” Kira replied, wincing. Blue eyes looking so very lost and alone that Renji regretted his outburst. “But I've heard the others.” His gaze wandered away, unfocused and unsettled.

Renji drew in a breath, forcing himself to calm. “The others don't understand anythin'. Just ignore 'em.”

“I can't,” Kira said, his tone thick with misery. “Not when I know they might be right. Not when I know what I might have done.”

He didn't elaborate. Renji was afraid to ask. Did he think Kira would really abandon them for Ichimaru? He was ashamed to think it was possible. Even after a year shoved into the middle of these two, Renji was still no closer to understanding the undercurrents of their relationship, if he wanted to call it that. Ichimaru never detailed what Renji was misunderstanding and he couldn't very well ask Kira.

It was uncertainty like that which always made his submission to Ichimaru that much more humiliating. That he was never sure what exactly he defended Kira from was a constant rock in Renji's waraji, digging into his sole with every step.

“Don't be stupid,” Renji retorted, scratching at his chin. He didn't like Kira's tone. “Ya wouldn't betray us. Ya—” He cut off when Kira shook his head, gaze pinned on the empty wall across from him.

Clearly there was something more to this then Renji realized.

Kira gestured vaguely, to the world outside his four walls. “They're watching me, every step I take, just waiting for me to make my final move. They don't suspect it of Hisagi-senpai. They wouldn't dare think such a thing of Hinamori-kun. But me...” he trailed off, pausing to compose himself. “I obeyed him to the last, Abarai-kun. I even attacked Matsumoto-san.”

“She forgave ya for that.”

“That's not the point,” Kira countered, giving him a slanted look from the corner of a blue eye. “I didn't even question and for that, they question me. How much did I know? What's tai-- Ichimaru's next plan? How could I not know?” He slumped, elbows striking his knees, fingers anxiously knotting together. “They forget that I'm the one still left here when tai-- Aizen and Ichimaru took everyone else with them.”

Kira wasn't making any sense.

No, scratch that. Kira was making a worrisome sorta sense. It almost sounded like he wanted to be taken with Ichimaru. That his sorrow wasn't for the betrayal, but for being left behind. That a part of him would have gone, if he had only been asked.

Renji blinked, concern niggling in his belly. And he swore that for just a moment, he heard Ichimaru's mocking laughter in the back of his mind.

See, Renji-kun? It seemed to say. No matter what you do, he still belongs to me.

Renji growled internally, his hand clenching on the arm of the couch as he shifted on the cushion to look directly at Kira. “Is that what this is about?” he demanded, unable to keep the aggressiveness out of his tone. “You wanted to betray us?”

“That's not my point, Abarai-san!” Kira argued, whirling to face him. One hand slashed through the air, his expression a twisted mixture of emotions. “Someone like you could never understand what it's like to be me. Not even if you tried.”

Why did everyone keep saying that! Ichimaru always told him he didn't know the situation, but he never explained! And even now, Kira was telling him he didn't understand, but no one told him anything! No one gave him the answers! They just went on and on in their own little world, making their own damn decisions, and then expected him to agree with it no matter what he really thought! Just like Rukia when she went with the Kuchiki, really wanting him to disagree but keeping it to herself. How was he supposed to understand if no one told him anything!

“How can I?” Renji demanded, heart thudding so loudly in his chest he thought it was trying to escape. “Ichimaru's a bastard! He betrayed everyone. And you miss him! How'm I supposed to get it!”

Kira shook his head, raking a hand through his hair and disarraying the usually carefully ordered strands. “You won't. Not the way you are.” His eyes were wild, a far shade from their normal, peaceful blue. “It's always been easy for you. Making friends. Getting stronger. Finding your place.”

The blond sucked in a breath, his reiatsu lashing around his body and striking out at Renji, who held his own to him like a protective cloak. Renji was just glad that there was no zanpakutou within reach, because Kira wasn't in his right mind and he wasn't certain that this Kira wouldn't strike at him. It was thoughts like that which worried Renji the most. Kira was his friend. Someone he trusted to watch his back. And yet, Renji wasn't sure he really knew him at all.

“I thought I would do anything to protect him,” Kira continued, body trembling with an array of conflicting emotions. “Because if he just patted me on the head, told me I had done right, nothing could ever go wrong. And now I'm all alone again. He left me and I'm just useless after all.”

Breathless, Kira paled, the words pulled from him but also reluctantly admitted. And only now did he realize that he probably shouldn't have said them, because he shrank into himself as Renji stared at him with a new understanding.

Ichimaru was right, the fucker. Renji really didn't get anything at all.

He began to suspect, in the tiniest portions of his conscience, that the whole affair might not have been entirely Ichimaru's fault. Because if what Kira was saying now was what he really felt, he might have gleefully accepted whatever Ichimaru had offered him. Might have gone after it desperately, and clung to it like a lifeline. Might have even begged for it if necessary, like a puppy craving a scrap of affection.

And now Renji was supposed to say something to that? He who could never find the right words and couldn't be eloquent if someone gave him lessons? He who barely understood his own stake in this whole mess and yet pushed recklessly forward anyway, diving deeper and deeper until he was way over his head?

If he hadn't always been from the start.

“Kira, I don't...” Renji stopped, not sure that was what he wanted to say, and tried again. “Where's this comin' from? Yer stronger than this. I know you are.”

It sounded weak, even to him, but for some reason, it was enough for Kira to look at him. Actually look at him and not around him or the wall behind him or the floor beneath him or the couch between them. Those unnerving eyes stared directly into his, searching Renji's face for something. He just didn't know what.

“I don't have the same kind of strength as you, Abarai-kun,” Kira said, his voice barely above a whisper. He leaned closer, invading Renji's personal space, surrounding Renji in his scent – something sweet like strawberries and cream. “I don't like to be alone.”

“Kira--”

The blond kissed him. Was kissing him. His lips pressing insistently against Renji's – if a little sloppy – tasting of sake and strawberries. His hand tangled in the front of Renji's shitagi, gripping as though he couldn't bear to let go, and his tongue mashed against Renji's lips.

Too shocked to resist, Renji allowed the kiss, something inside of him wanting to grab Kira and hold him close. To push him over and reveal pale skin bit by bit, to mark it with his lips and teeth. To watch Kira come undone. To hear the cries that still haunted his sleep.

To Renji's utmost horror, the thoughts in his own head reminded him all too much of Ichimaru. Did Kira think him an easy replacement? Did he think Renji would do anything he asked in the name of comfort? Renji didn't even think about it. He simply snapped, his mind echoing with words and pleasure, his heart racing in his chest.

“Please,” Kira murmured against his lips, pressing closer, heat radiating from his body along with that enticing scent of fruit. “I just... I need...”

Something twisted inside of Renji, something he couldn't explain. This wasn't... it wasn't right. And he couldn't explain it, he just knew it. Building in his chest, swelling in his lungs, rattling through his veins. Not this way. He didn't want it like this! Renji wanted to be seen. He, no one else! Just Renji!

His body acted of his own accord and Renji's hands lifted, one violently shoving Kira away, the other slamming a fist into Kira's cheek. The blond tumbled backwards, sprawling against the couch as Renji's breath came in short, heaving bursts in his chest. He hated the look he had seen in those blue eyes. A seductive glance that promised so much, that Kira would do anything just for that feeling again and it made him sick.

He was no substitute!

Red flushed across Kira's cheek as he looked up at Renji and the redhead could barely contain his rage, body shaking with it. “I ain't some replacement, Kira,” Renji spat hotly, hands curling into fists at his side. “I don't want ya to see him when ya look at me!”

Kira blinked, his eyes glistening for only a moment before they hardened. “A-Abarai-kun?”

A mixture of shame and anger broiled hot within Renji. Anger with himself. Anger with Ichimaru. Anger that he couldn't seem to do anything right. How long? How long had he wanted Kira? When had he decided that he wanted the blond for himself?

He reached out, hands grabbing Kira's face, cradling it as he forced Kira to look at him. And only him. “I want ya to want me,” he said fiercely, surprising himself with the desire that flooded his heart. “Not that prick. Me.”

Renji leaned forward, closing the distance between them, and sealing his lips over Kira's, drowning in that sweet flavor. The swelling, pressing thunder in his chest lightened as he moved their mouths together, enjoying the feel of his fingers on Kira's cheeks, the taste of Kira's lips. He wanted more, so much more, but restrained himself for the sake of another purpose.

Renji ended the kiss, running his tongue over his lips to savor the lingering feel of it. His fingers traced a soothing line, only to realize by the swelling against his thumb exactly what he had done.

That was where the shame came in. “Aw, shit Kira. I didn't mean ta punch ya that hard.” At least, not hard enough to leave that sort of mark. But then, Kira had always bruised too easily.

Kira stared at him for several long moments before he blinked, seeming to come to life. “No, it's...” he trailed off, sucking in several long breaths, his gaze falling to the side. “It's better that you did, Abarai-kun. I was an idiot.”

“Well, yeah ya were. But it musta hurt.” Renji winced, cursing himself inwardly.

Kira was really swelling up, he noticed, and he wondered if he was even capable of using some sort of low-level healing kidoh without harming the blond further. But then, it would probably be better if Kira just did it himself, having been in the fourth division once before and all that. Renji was just as likely to blow them both up.

“Not as much as I probably deserve,” Kira said quietly, and his cheeks pinked in Renji's grasp, warming to the touch. “The pain... it's...” He trailed off, something in his tone not sitting well with Renji at all. It made him think of Ichimaru, that stupid sadistic smirk, the look in his half-slitted eyes.

Renji absolutely froze, a cascade of emotions flooding through him, turning his insides to ice. His hands dropped to the blond's shoulders, thinner than he could ever remember them being. Kira's abrupt silence bothered him, and he could tell with just a look that he was thinking about Ichimaru and remembering all sorts of things.

“Oi!” His fingers tightened and he shook Kira a little, trying to shake him out of his recollections. “What do ya mean?”

“It's more real,” Kira said, accompanied by a small smile, shaky and strained, a pale shade of the grin he used to bear. He looked lost, like a kid abandoned by his parents, or a dog left behind by his master. And Renji hated it.

Kira shook his head, lifting a hand to rake it through his hair. “It's not confusing at all,” he added, prodding gingerly at his swelling cheek and dragging his fingers down the light bruising appearing on his jaw. “It's supposed to hurt, not get twisted up in other things.”

“Hell no! Sex is supposed ta feel good!” Renji argued, refusing to think about Ichimaru, even if a part of his mind wanted to wander that route. Despite it all, the captain had made him feel good, even if he never ended up marked like Kira. “It's not supposed to hurt. At least... not without it feelin' good.”

Okay, so that probably didn't make much sense, but Renji knew what he meant. He'd heard Hisagi-senpai go on and on about it in one of his more drunken tangents. He was very chatty after a few bottles of sake, and decorum tended to fly right out the window. Renji's own ears had burned after hearing some of Hisagi-senpai's tales and he'd always thought himself pretty well-experienced.

Kira seemed to agree with him, at least on the surface, and Renji finally released what was probably a bruising hold, letting Kira have some space. The blond sucked in a shaking breath, looking all too small in clothes that didn't seem to fit him him well. Renji wondered what in Ichimaru Kira had ever seen. Why the blond would think he needed his ex-taichou that badly.

“I thought that was what I wanted,” Kira said quietly, still unable to meet Renji's eyes. “What I needed. But maybe I was wrong.”

Renji growled internally; he'd been doing that a lot tonight. “It's what he told ya you wanted.”

The other vice-captain shook his head, a sad smile touching his lips. “I don't expect you'll understand, Abarai-kun.”

“Renji,” he corrected, finding that intentional distance to get really fucking old. They'd known each other for too long for Kira to keep doing that.

Kira blinked. “What?”

“Stop with that 'Abarai' stuff. Call me Renji. I'm yer friend, ain't I?” He resisted the urge for a playful tap to Kira's shoulders, uncertain the frail-looking man in front of him could handle such a thing. He definitely wanted the old Kira back, and maybe with Ichimaru gone that was possible.

Surprise brightened Kira's expression, to a shade of his former vitality. “Yes,” Kira agreed with a small, hesitant smile. “Yes, you are.”

“And yer not alone, okay?” Renji had to add, because he didn't want Kira thinking otherwise. He didn't want Kira wallowing in thoughts of Ichimaru, not when he had others who believed in him. “I'm here and Hisagi-senpai's here and as soon as Hinamori wakes up, she'll be here, too. So stop thinkin' like that. Ya don't need him. Ya got us.”

There was a faint rise of reiatsu as Kira pressed fingers gently to his cheek, easing the darkening bruise. “I do, don't I?”

“Yeah, ya do. And I'm sure if we asked, Matsumoto-san would take us out for drinks,” Renji added, and then hesitated when he remembered Kira's kiss, and how much he had enjoyed it.

Did he dare take a step? Or would he be too much like Ichimaru?

Renji shook his head, arguing with himself. No, this was different. He actually cared for the blond. He only wanted to see Kira smile. Surely his reasons weren't entirely selfish.

But he would never know if he didn't try, and Renji fidgeted, preparing to step out on a limb. “Y'know...”

Kira looked at him, cheek a lot less swollen now, though a shadow of a bruise would remain for a few days. Sometimes, Renji didn't know his own strength.

“Yes?”

For the first time, uncertainty made Renji look away, tugging on his ponytail as he fought for the right words. “I wouldn't mind it really... if ya kissed me,” he admitted, only to scowl fiercely. “But only if ya meant it to be me and not, y'know, him.”

Self-conscious, Renji didn't look up, but he could feel Kira's eyes on him. And he sensed the surprise in the blond's reiatsu. Perhaps Kira had thought Renji was disgusted by the two kisses. Renji couldn't honestly guess. He hoped that they weren't merely a result of drunkenness and desperation. A part of him eagerly wanted them to mean something much, much more.

Silence filled the space between them, and Renji worried for its meaning.

Until he felt the couch shift.

He looked up and had only seconds to register the face approaching his before Kira kissed him again. Gently. Slowly. Reassuringly. And a part of Renji sighed in relief, even as he leaned into the kiss, enjoying it for what it was: Kira's answer.

* * *

a/n: Wahhh, they are so cute. And let me just say, I love Ichimaru's interaction with Renji. I was sorely tempted to keep going just because I like how Renji stands straight and Ichimaru's remains mystifying. It's awesome. Can you tell I wrote this for myself? lol

Well, I hope you enjoyed! Thanks for reading!

Next Week: Chapter Six: Like Puzzle Pieces in which Renji and Kira get closer.