Do Words Make a Bit of Difference?

We both passed the entrance exam on our first try. I was reluctantly excited and Rukia was over the moon. The next round of classes didn’t officially start for another two months, but as there were people coming all the time to try out, there were provisions for that. We were put to work for the most part, cooking, cleaning and other menial tasks, if we were going to stay in the dormitories and be fed while we waited for the introductory school semester to start. We would have six months of learning before we were divided into groups based on performance and abilities. The two months were boring, but over in a flash.

The introductory semester turned out to be better than I thought. Sure we had to learn all sorts of boring stuff, reading and writing and proper enunciation among them, but it turned out all my playing with sticks had prepared me well for our lessons in swordsmanship. After getting through all the other basic classes I hated- which Rukia naturally loved- I anxiously waited for our placement results.

Rukia and I, well we were still friends, but we were busy doing our own things. We talked occasionally in passing, but I felt the gap widen between us. I still loved her, but the world was opening to me in ways I hadn’t foreseen. The day the placement results were posted, I wanted to find Rukia and tell her about my admittance in the top class. Regardless of what had been said and done, she was always the person that came to mind first when I had news.

Unfortunately, the distance between us was due to more than that one night we’d spent together. I was afraid, genuinely afraid that my behavior before the semester had started had broken something irrevocably between us, that we’d never be as close as we’d been again. Even when we spoke, I missed her.

I had gotten drunk with a bunch of people a few months back, right after we’d gotten accepted and in a moment of sheer stupidity had gone to find Rukia. It was easy to find her now that I knew how to reach out and feel reiatsu. I’d scrambled up and up and up to a rooftop as high above the ground as was possible, overlooking the city below. She didn’t turn around though I knew she at very least heard me clamber up. She just sat there staring in the distance, in her white and red uniform, arms wrapped around her legs and chin propped against her knees.

“They would have liked it here,” she finally said when I sat down heavily next to her. I looked at her face and I’d seen the sadness and loneliness she’d never shown down there amongst the rest of the students.

I wasn’t able, at the time, to think of anything comforting to say, so I wrapped an arm around her. I’d known that leaning in to kiss her was a bad idea, but sake had loosened the restrictions I’d placed on my behavior towards her. When she’d turned and the kiss fell on her cheek instead of her lips, I’d felt irrationally angry.

“Don’t ya want me anymore, Rukia?” I think I slurred, because at that moment she’d looked at me like she used to when I did something stupid and pervy. I could have sworn she was ready to call me Red Pineapple Headed Idiot like she used to.

“I… I do, Renji, but we’re here. I need a friend more than I need that,” she finally said slowly. “You can be my friend, can’t you, like we used to be, before… It was a mistake, you know that, right? You said so yourself,” she blurted.

Her words were like a slap in the face at the time and I’d dropped my arm from her shoulder. The sake I’d had earlier burned in my gut, along with anger and helplessness. “Sure, Rukia, I know that. Hey, at least I left ya a virgin, huh?” I said quietly as I got up and left. At the time, I’d told myself that I couldn’t care less if I’d hurt her. I’d just walked to the edge and jumped off the roof without looking back.

Back on the ground, I’d looked around and finally found the girl who’d drunkenly groped me earlier and asked if she wanted to go for a walk. We’d both known we’d only walk a short distance and then we’d be doing other things. She’d giggled and grabbed my hand to pull me behind her.

I didn’t care that she wasn’t quite ready for me when I plunged into her, didn’t care that she flinched in pain. I didn’t care that my teeth left marks on her skin that looked like purple crescent moons. Most of all, I told myself I didn’t care that she wasn’t Rukia. When I shuddered and spilled into her it was all I could do to stop Rukia’s name from coming out, too. And then all I could think was, at least I’m not a virgin anymore.

Rukia didn’t know I’d run out and banged the first girl I’d come across that night, but I knew the words I’d spoken were harsh. I knew things weren’t the same between us, but I wanted to- no, I needed to tell her my good news. When I found her, the sun was setting and she was staring at the purple and pink clouds that seemed to touch those far-off mountains in the distance. She was up on that rooftop again, sitting in the same position I’d found her in last time. I concentrated on properly forming the words I planned to say.

She looked pensive and unhappy. I sat down farther away from her than I’d had before and crossed my legs. When she looked over at me, she gave me a tight smile. “I hear congratulations are in order, huh?” she finally said.

I tried to mask my surprise that she knew, that she’d cared enough to find out my results for class placement. “Thanks, Rukia, I’m really happy, you know, that the teachers thought well enough of me to, uhm, give me that opportunity. I mean it’s an honor. And… You? What class are you going into?”

I felt stupid that I hadn’t bothered to check, but it hadn’t occurred to me after I saw my name on that board.

She looked out into the distance again. The last rays of light colored her face in a soft pink glow. I longed to reach over and brush that stubborn lock of black hair away from her face, but I didn’t. “I’m in the second class. You know my sword skills aren’t as good as yours, Renji, or my hand to hand. Does that stuff just come that naturally to you? I’ve seen goof around with Kira-san, but you seem to have been born holding a sword… I practice and practice and I’ve never once managed such ease or grace in my kata’s.”

Her words made my face heat up and I was glad the light was waning so she couldn’t see me blush. “It’s not fair, Renji. This was my dream. And yet,you have friends, skill and recognition. Is it really that effortless for you?” bitterness tinged her words and I shrank back slightly as she skewered me with an intense look.

I grasped for something to say to her, “But you’re better at kidou than I am! Hey, maybe I could help you with zanjutsu and you could help me with kidou?” I didn’t particularly care for kidou, which I sucked at, but I was grasping at straws.

She smiled at me and for a second I thought she’d accept and we’d be able to spend more time together, become close again. Even if I was never allowed to touch her like I had and like I still wanted to, I wanted to be her friend again. Then she shook her head and went back to looking at the view of the city, of the mountains in the distance. Dots of light sprang to life as lanterns were lit to chase away the oncoming darkness.

“I appreciate the offer, Renji, but you’re not going to have time for me when classes start back up. It’s OK, though. I’ll manage.”

My stomach chose that moment to growl loudly and I realized how hungry I was. Rukia chuckled softly, “Hungry, Renji? It’s good some things never change.”

“Join me for dinner?” I asked though I knew she’d decline my offer. Somehow I was still disappointed when she shook her head.

“You go on, Renji; I’d like to sit here for a little while longer. See you around.”

Just like that, she dismissed me. It hurt more than it should have, but I let it go and left her sitting there.

Back on the ground, I ate quickly and tasted none of it. My thoughts kept turning to how Rukia looked naked, how she’d responded to me. How she admitted to watching me masturbate. When my plate was empty and my appetite for food sated, I knew what I needed to take my mind off of her. The girl I approached had a reputation for being easy and wild and she took me up on my offer quickly enough that I knew the rumors had some truth to them.

She was everything Rukia wasn't and when I came, I still felt empty and unfulfilled. She tried to cuddle up next to me, but I made some lame excuse and went to the bath house to wash her scent from my skin before I went back to my dorm. I laid awake for a long time that night, trying not to think of Rukia.


~*~

The next five years passed so quickly it was like they were gone in the blink of an eye. I had lots of people and classes to occupy my time with and ignored any stray thoughts of Rukia. I saw her sometimes in hallways and we say hello or share a joke, but we weren’t really friends anymore. I thought that may have been for the best. I’d known since we were kids growing up in the Rukongai that she was too good for me and I had no desire to have that fact shoved in my face again.

I was tired and sweaty from zanjutsu class the next time she approached me. Zabimaru, my zanpakatou was a bitch to work with and fought me at every turn. Rukia looked apprehensive as she clutched a piece of paper and said she needed to talk with me. “Can’t it wait, Rukia?” I asked, wanting to get clean and have a bite to eat before the next class. She shook her head and motioned for me to follow her. “I’m hungry, Rukia and I have another class in a few,” I told her.

She sighed and tugged me down a deserted hallway. When she stopped and turned to me, she looked startled. She raised her hand up towards my face before she dropped it, “Renji, what happened to your eyebrows?”

I shrugged, not wanting to get into a drawn out explanation about my zanpakatou and the agreement we came to. “What did you want to talk about, Rukia?” This was obviously not the answer she was expecting. She held out the piece of paper and I saw the broken seal of the Kuchiki household as I took it from her.

The words blurred as I tried to read the short missive. Byakuya Kuchiki was all I needed to see after the first sentence anyway, so it didn’t matter much. He, the head of one of the four noble houses of the Seireitei wanted to adopt Rukia. I’d always known she was better than me and now she really would be, in every sense that mattered.

What I wanted to do, namely tell her that she was mine and she couldn’t accept that ridiculous offer and what I should do, which would be to tell her to latch on this opportunity with both hands, were so far apart. “You’ll accept, of course,” I said, trying to sound normal. She looked stricken, like she’d wanted me to object, to give her a reason to decline this offer. I tried to keep my expression neutral, like this whole thing wasn’t twisting my insides up into a painful knot.

In the end, she sighed and said, “Yeah, I will. Bye, Renji.”

I stood there as she brushed by me, taming down the regret. Once I’d gotten a hold of my emotions I walked and didn’t stop walking till I was outside.


Goodbye, Rukia.


~*~

I changed some of the way the Academy works, because, well, it made no sense to me. No disrespect to Tite Kubo, and the rest of the Bleach team, but, like, people are accepted all the time, right? Seems to me it would be sort of disruptive to throw new students in at random times into established classes. Just like it seems to me that it would make more sense to divide into Top and Lower classes after a more in-depth reviewing of individual skills, while at the same time giving the new students an opportunity to learn the basic skills needed (reading, writing, etc). So I wrote what makes sense to me, rather than the way it is. Other than that, I do try to stick as close to the manga (and the TV show) as much as possible.

This chapter name I totally ganked from Skunk Anansie (don't own and don't make money from, although I've wished countless times I could at least sing like that.) They did amazing punky rock songs back in the mid/late nineties. Anyway, I was listening to their albums today, trying to figure out what to call this chapter and then this song came on and it was like aaaaaahh (choir of angels descended and pointed to this song). So if you haven't heard them, give them a listen.

Please review my pretties.