Black-and-Red Conflict

so, back to our couple with chapter 6!
happy to hear most of you didn't mind the little break with shun/jyuu :)
as always: thank you soo much for those reviews! i have to admit at the start i somehow just wrote this thing for myself, but seeing that there are people who like it so much makes it even more worth it!!
just hope you won't spear me for the ending of this chapter

~~~Six~~~
Memory


He had barely slept for three nights. He had hardly eaten anything, for a nauseating pressure lay on his throat and stomach since he had humiliated his Fukutaichou on the training grounds. His head threatened to cave in from the piercing pain that started at his temples and wandered backwards over his brain as if following the form of his Kenseikan. Even a Kuchiki Byakuya could only take so much, and his limit was about to be crossed. His power couldn't help him against a pain that was inside himself, it could not beat the opponent that was his own memory, his own emotions.

Even though the previous day had been free for him as well, allowing him a tiny break from the constant threat of confrontation with Renji, it had not eased his mind in the least. He had just been restless all day and clueless, for even hours and hours of pondering had not presented any solution. And now, after night had spread its wings he was walking the gardens around the mansion again, stepping outside around midnight after trying desperately to get to sleep for two hours without result. He let Senbonzakura dance in the cold light of the almost full moon above him, exhausted himself in controlling the sword to perfection. But it was not enough to grant him precious sleep, for his emotions and thoughts were not to be calmed, whatever he tried. Eventually he let the sword loose to its own will and sat down in the shadow of a tree, staring into space.

The blades danced over the grass, around the willows, over the water of small ponds and streams, reflecting the white light in tiny flashes. They mingled with the reeds that swayed in the wind without leaving even the slightest mark on anything. The Zanpakutou of Soul Society had their own mind, which made them the deadliest weapons in the hands of the warrior who bound with them. Each had its own character and needed to be tamed and understood for their master to wield them and to reach perfection. They themselves had to be willing to, if necessary, cease their existence for the Shinigami whose hands held them.

A long time ago, almost an eternity as it seemed to Byakuya now, when he had first touched the beautiful sleek Zanpakutou that would be his, he had shivered. He had been weak then and Senbonzakura had trembled, hissed and shifted in his hands angrily. But he had trained and shown his talent and soon the sword had agreed to become his. Many years had followed, another eternity, until he had been able to call out Bankai. The night before that happened, he had seen it before him.

Its genderless figure had formed itself out of soft, glittering light, like starlight reflected from a fast running stream. It had spoken to him with a voice like the night wind in the trees and he had opened his soul to it. And it had answered and finally accepted him absolutely. Neither male nor female at first, the more time he spent honing his skills, the more his perception of the sword had shifted towards that of a female creature. Fifty years ago, seeing his wife die, it had settled to that. Now and here in this night, she, Senbonzakura, seemed to be the only thing left he could grasp and understand. The only certainty in the maelstrom that had opened up to swallow him.

As he sat beneath the tree, a cool breeze playing with strands of black hair now free of the Kenseikan, the blade came together again to form the familiar sword and it settled before his feet. At a moment like this they were like one mind. A tug at his soul showed him her distress at the state he was in, something that could have been called worry, hadn't the soul of the sword been way too complicated to attach terms of human emotions to it. Byakuya lifted the blade onto his knees and let his fingertips run over it carefully. A soothing notion followed, but as he wandered closer to the edge, a warning flashed in his mind. But she was too much under his control as that she could have pulled back from his touch, or disintegrated on her own. Dark drops ran from his fingertips, touching the blade before they fell to the ground, but a deep tremble in the sword, a sudden cooling of the metal that was otherwise warm to his hands, made him pull back.

Do not make me draw your blood. I cannot... endure

Byakuya bowed his head and touched his forehead to the sword's hilt in silent apology. He was more than out of his mind if he started to risk the bond with his Zanpakutou. He leaned back again, the blade in his lap. Senbonzakura settled and soon her calmness flooded a part of Byakuya's mind as well and lifted the pressure at least a bit. She could not help him otherwise. She did not understand his feelings or his distress, she could not tell him what to do or what it all meant, she did not have a solution. But she was there. She was the power in his hands, their strength shared, neither completely his nor hers. She was certainty and the proof that at least something still was as it was supposed to be. But the night could last only so long, and as dawn crept over the horizon, her soul parted form his and they were only knight and sword again.

Byakuya rose and walked back towards the house, steps not as firm as they should have been, posture not as confident as he would have liked. The sliding doors were opened and two servants were waiting, towels and his captain's robes in their arms. They wished him a good morning and followed him to the bath to take his yukatan and later assist him with his robes and Kenseikan. He did not talk and they did not expect it. They spoke softly to each other, but always mindful if there was anything he needed until they stayed behind, bowing low as he made his way towards the front of the house. Another pair of servants greeted him as he neared the room his breakfast was served in, not questioning him as he passed it without entering. He was not hungry, he decided, returning their greeting with a small nod, and went straight out of the front door.

As always he walked the hardly ten minutes to the headquarters. But today he was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't notice any of his environment until he stood before the door to his office, feeling the faint flash of not completely hidden Reiatsu a few doors to his left. Unsure as what to do with his eyebrows – if to raise them, out of surprise that Renji should be here at this hour, or to furrow them at the resentment he felt of probably having to confront the other once more – he eventually raised only one and then opened the door to his own office, deciding to stay apart from Renji for as long as possible. He placed Senbonzakura carefully on a sword stand on the wall, letting his fingers glide over her sheath one more time, then sat down in his office chair with an inward sigh, determined to at least halve the stack on the desk in front of him before midday.

Of course it didn't work out that way. He could imagine Renji moving in his own room, could imagine the annoyed look on the other's face as he would try to sort through the mass of paper stacked everywhere. Byakuya could guess how the tattoos would still enhance the frown on that face that could show so much determination, so much passion. The lips that could sneer at him, mock him with their grin, lips that he remembered where soft to the touch of his own. Hair that was the most vibrant color and smooth like silk, muscles that moved under the well tanned skin, muscles he imagined would tremble under his fingers. Byakuya clenched his hands into fists and shook his head.

Why couldn't he keep control anymore? Why Renji? Why did that impertinent, loud, rash, annoying man have such an influence on him, the noble head of the Kuchiki-clan?
Why had he kissed him?

Why had he called him a stray dog?

A part of Byakuya wanted to stand up, go to Renji's office and apologize. He would not talk more than that, Renji would know what it was about. Just one simply, single word that maybe would bring them both back to the comfortable relationship they'd had before. Finally take this pressure off his mind that turned every day into a terribly venturesome act of balancing those damn emotions and keep them from erupting. But another fit of rage just washed up at the thought of him, him, apologizing to Renji.

The captain did loosen the control over his Reiatsu though, just a bit, just so somebody who looked out for it would notice him around. He did not do it willingly of course, but unconsciously, not even realizing it himself.
Oh, how well he had learned to deceive himself.

And yes, Renji noticed, and in that other room he stood from his desk, unsure for a few seconds what to do before he forced himself to sit back down and not run to Byakuya's office immediately again. Always it was he who followed, sought out, just to be pushed away and be hurt again and again every single time. Every single time but the last, when he had been kissed before he was the one left behind. He stirred.

What had that kiss really meant? He had thought about it all the time. At Rukia's and back at his place, every minute he had taxed his brain for an answer, without really coming up with anything. He had talked to Rukia a lot before he'd left, literally interrogating her about what she knew about Byakuya and also Hisana. Rukia's mentioning of her sister's name the other night had somehow stuck in Renji's thoughts. It meant that, as cold and arrogant as his captain seemed, he had obviously once been able to love. But just what had it done to him? Of course Renji had heard the short version, which Byakuya himself had given to Rukia on Soukyoku, but even that had been controlled, held back, not showing how much it obviously still affected him.

Renji's anger had at that time been replaced by a strange kind of sympathy for the 'screwed up Kuchiki', as he himself referred to the other later. And now that he was beginning to be relatively certain that maybe, Byakuya did not in fact hate him. Renji sighed and sank further into his chair. Hate would have been too simple. But it was intriguing, how close that feeling really was to that other, opposite emotion, close enough to mix them up or tie them together in a knot that could not be cut. For Renji felt it himself, how it pushed him from hot to cold, and caught him in such a tornado of different feelings that he did not know how to deal with even just the simple amount of them.

Before he had even consciously made the decision, his legs had already carried him to the door on their own, and his mind only caught up with his actions as he stood in front of Kuchiki-Taichou's office once more, hand lifted to the handle before he paused. He did not even have an idea what to say, but he knocked anyway, if just to gain those few additional seconds.

Byakuya's look had been fixed on the door since he'd noticed Renji stepping into the hallway, but he still jerked as the knock came. He didn't answer at first – a knock from Renji was most unusual in those last weeks – but then he caught himself and called the other to come in. When Renji had closed the door behind him and stepped up to his captain, their eyes locked but neither said a word. Byakuya felt his breath hitch and he was fighting to keep a blush form his cheeks as he remembered their last encounter. He also grew angry at himself again.

Renji's heart pounded heavily in his chest and his throat was dry. Finally he cleared it and was the first to open his mouth, even if all that came out was an embarrassed “Uhm...”
Oh great. That was of course what he'd come here for. 'Uhm'? Brilliant. He should have stayed home.

It did relieve him a tiny bit though, to see that Byakuya was unable to hold back the slight reddening of his cheeks and had pressed his hands onto his desk, as if to hide their trembling. His Taichou was frowning and now looked away, casting his profile before the light from the window behind him, which caressed his features perfectly. His hair must feel warm by now, Renji thought, bathed in sunlight for only a few minutes, but dark enough to absorb the warmth in only moments. He forced himself to take one more step until he stood directly before the desk and Byakuya looked up at him again, a short flash of something in his eyes that was gone too fast as that Renji could have read it properly.

“I...,” he started and faltered again. Better than 'uhm' maybe, but still not quite right. But before he could find something better to say, Byakuya stood up abruptly and turned his back toward his lieutenant.

“I was at fault. I apologize.”
The words were spoken sharply and did not sound like what they meant to convey in the least. They also stunned Renji and made him freeze with his mouth open. Byakuya didn't turn around even after several seconds of silence. He did not move but seemed as paralyzed as Renji, just with his back so straight that it must have hurt. After even more time, as Renji tried to regain his ability to breathe, his captain spoke again, his voice tense, “Do not make me repeat it.”

Only Kuchiki Byakuya could make an apology sound like an order, or like just another accusation.
“W-what... I-I mean, ok... “ Renji paused again and cursed. Damn his mouth and his dumb brain. Why could he not get anything coherent out of either of them?
“I.. accept... I guess”
Not good, but maybe the best he could hope for right now.
Byakuya turned and glanced at him frowning, then was about to sit down again.

“Well. Then I hope we can get back to a more comfortable working atmosphere now.”
Kuchiki-Taichou did not look up but a twitching of his hands belied his steady voice. Renji snorted.
“What? No! I mean... you were the one who started... and... workin' atmosphere?? Ya kissed me!”

Finally it was out. Renji swallowed and stared at Byakuya almost pleadingly. The gray eyes were wide and shocked as if the other had completely forgotten about that little fact.

Eventually the noble cleared his throat, then his eyes narrowed again and he spoke, carefully and slowly, as if trying to just now make himself believe what he said then.

“I was tired, confused, worked up and... out of my mind.”

The last fours words seemed to strike Renji like whiplashes. He was going to be disposed of that easily? Just with those few words Byakuya thought he could make everything undone?

“Out of your mind? Damn true. Ya're a freakin' damn ice block, ya dun'even know what confused means. 'U're cold'n'arrogant 'nd always in control, ya don't just go 'round kissing people randomly coz 'u're such a people-lover! What the fuck's happening. Why?”

Now Renji was just desperate. It could not be true. Kuchiki Byakuya did not behave like this. This was just not true, it was not possible.
Byakuya sat almost hunched but tense at his desk and did not look up. His voice was quiet but trembled dangerously.

“Abar- Renji. Leave it at this. Do not push me further. I cannot ...”
But Renji did not plan to heed this request. He could not let it go because he knew it would never work out. They could not ever go back to a 'comfortable working atmosphere'. How could Byakuya have even said something like this with this calm voice of his when he must have been absolutely aware of how unbelievably ridiculous it sounded?

Renji's mind was working furiously as how to resolve this, and finally, after having shaken his head numerous times and waving his hands about, he had the one desperate idea that might turn out to be one of the most dangerous things he'd ever done.

He took a deep breath and tried to steady himself, straightened his posture and looked at the dark-haired man who still avoided his gaze. Renji felt hardly able to breathe but forced his voice to be steady and his language to be clear.

“You cannot hide yourself forever, Kuchiki-Taichou. Byakuya. It works as long as ya... as your life is free of people that might be important to you. But it will not stay like that. You're alive, right? You feel.”
Renji took another deep breath until he went on.
“She would want you to.”

Byakuya's head shot up, eyes wide and glowing. He stood slowly, pushing himself up with his hands on the desk and Renji automatically took a step backwards. It was a mystery how he knew immediately whom Renji was talking about, but he did.

“Do not talk of things that are none of your business.”
The voice that came out of his mouth was almost too quiet to hear it, but ripe with menace.

Renji closed his hands into fists. That was it. He had to go through with what he'd started or there would never be any solution for them.

“She'd want you to life. She wouldn't...”
“Silence!”
“...would not want you to waste your life in a cage...”

“RENJI!”
Byakuya trembled as he felt fifty years of suppressed emotions rise up in him.

He smelled her black hair again, sun and fresh water, saw the smile that seemed to make the day a bit lighter every time he'd seen it then, felt himself break again as when he had cradled her in his lap as she died. She had not been able to see the cherry trees in the garden anymore, as they later shed their blossoms as if weeping with the widower.

Renji's lips trembled and he felt pure fear. Who would have known his guess had been this near to the bull's eye. But he swallowed and pressed on, almost whispering, “Do you let her death be for nothing? She showed you how much better it is to feel. Did Hisana die for nothing?”

The moment he heard Renji speak her name something shattered inside Byakuya. Rage and despair rose up and over him with a strength he could not resist anymore. Before he could think, his mind had enchanted the spell, before he himself heard his voice he had already shouted it out.

“BAKUDOU 61 Rukujyoukourou!”


~~~