Do Words Make a Bit of Difference?

She was might as well have been a star she was so far out of my reach. It was painful to be so separated, even though we’d hardly been close the years we’d spent at the academy. I’d assumed, when I told her to accept Kuchiki’s offer that she’d be around for another year. You know, that while I may not have been able to talk to her, I could at least see her. No, as soon as she walked away that day, she walked out of the school, never to return.

I had friends, I had interests and I had potential, so I let her go. She wasn’t for me, I kept telling myself. But she was like a splinter under my skin and I couldn’t get it, her, out. I threw myself in fucking, fighting, anything that had the potential to distract me. I wasn’t picky, slutty women, greasy food, alcohol, blood and pain- my own and others. I thought it would help, but each encounter left me cold. I graduated, but had lost something of my drive along the way. My first team assignment was dismal and I failed to impress the Captain, Aizen.

Then I got assigned to the 11th Division and I found my home, my will again. I found a goal. If I wasn’t good enough for Rukia as I was, I could make myself better. Ikkaku helped me realize that and helped me train and advance. It was a day like any other when an official looking letter came for me. I was hanging out with Kira and Momo and before I even read it, they snatched it right out of my hands, and bent their heads together to read it.

Their grins scared me, but I took the opened letter anyway. I couldn’t believe what was written, even after I’d read it twice. When I looked up, probably with an exceptionally stupid look on my face, Kira and Momo were still grinning maniacally at me. Momo spoke first, “She’s got an assignment to go to the real world tomorrow, go to her now and tell her.”

I didn’t even pretend not to know who she was talking about. “I can’t,” I said as Kira and Momo shared a look of disgust. “Not until the after the ceremony, anyway. She’ll be back by then.” A lieutenant’s position in the 6th Division. Under Byakuya Kuchiki. Holy shit! I thought, I can see her again and talk to her and I can maybe convince her that I’m not a hormonal shit head who only thinks with his dick. Which I’m not, at least, not anymore; I haven’t had sex in years.

Things changed enormously in a few weeks. I had a position of relative power and respect. I had a new captain, who apparently didn’t completely despise me, although he did occasionally treat me like some un-evolved half ape. I didn’t mind, though; I’ve always been kind of primal.

I went about my new duties; paperwork, meetings, training new recruits. It was not as exciting as I had imagined, but I was just biding my time until Rukia came back. The thing was she didn’t. She was missing and no one could get her on the phone. Her reiatsu signature was faint, but there was a new signature, a strong one. A human one.

I shouldn’t have been surprised when it was my Division that was called to the human world to find her, apprehend her and bring her back. It was so not how I pictured our first meeting in forty years, but I had no choice. So much of what I felt for her I kept buried under a mountain of duty and honoring the Shinigami way. Oaths and promises are tricky, needs and obligations- what takes priority?

I won’t go into the details, they are known by almost everybody, and I don’t have anything else, anything new to add. Needless to say, the reunion was ugly. I was so certain that Kuchiki-taichou would talk to the Captain Commander, his fancy friends or whoever and have her execution order revoked. Naturally he didn’t, being obsessed with duty and propriety and that shocked me. I was consumed by guilt, self loathing.

I tried to follow his example, but it was hard. I dreamed of her constantly, I’d wake up in the morning with a giant hard-on, her taste coating my mouth, her scent in my nostrils. It was hell. When I gave in and went to see her in the cell, she refused my offer to save her, to help her escape. I suppose I deserved it for treating her so poorly for so many years, but it hurt.

I wanted to sweep her in my arms, but I didn’t.


~*~

The fracas was over a few weeks later. Rukia was safe; I’d attained bankai and gotten my ass handed to me in a number of new and imaginative ways. Things had changed in the Seireitei in ways we’d yet to imagine, the traitors having done more damage than just to the physical, they’d done something to the morale, too. The atmosphere was tense and angry, scared and apprehensive and I hated it. Still guilt gnawed at me. I should have done more; I should have seen it sooner.

I’d talked to Rukia some, over at the Fourth Division where she was still recuperating and we’d fallen back into the old pattern bickering and poking at each other like we used to. I wanted it to be enough, I really did, but it wasn’t. No matter what I told myself, or how much I tried to resist, she’d always be the person I saw when I allowed myself to fantasize, the person who haunted my dreams when I fell asleep.

It was a particularly lovely, but hot afternoon and I was in my quarters brooding, drinking sake alone. I was in my favorite lounging outfit, a kimono with pink flowers (I make it look manly, swear). It was so hot that I hadn’t bothered to wrap myself in the bandages I normally used to cover my exposed skin. I had just poured a fresh sake when I heard a soft knocking. I was not in the mood for company, but the infernal fucking knocking wasn’t stopping just because I wasn’t answering. I decided to try a new tack, “GO THE FUCK AWAY!”

“Come on, Renji. It’s me. Let me in,” Rukia said through the thin parchment of the sliding door. I didn’t want my heart to start racing and I certainly didn’t want my dick to get semi-hard at the sound of her voice, but my body wasn’t taking my wishes into account. I tied my hair back, tried to arrange my kimono so my half erection wouldn’t show. I briefly took a calming breath before I opened the door, striving for a look that wouldn’t reveal too much of my annoyance or my puppy-love.

She looked the same as she had for the last half century, dressed in black with that one lock of hair falling between her eyebrows. I was going to tell her, firmly, that I wanted to be alone, but the light hit her in a certain way, turning her eyes to big purple amethysts and I found I couldn’t. “Aren’t ya supposed to be resting over in the Fourth Division?” I asked, confused by her presence at my door.

“I snuck out. I was so bored I couldn’t take it anymore. Aren’t you going to invite me in?” she asked, as if it wasn’t at all strange for her to show up at my door step unannounced, as if it wasn’t highly improper for a lady of her standing to be alone with someone like me. “Well?” she prompted with a single raised eyebrow, when I just stood there, blocking the way in.

I stepped back and allowed her entrance to my quarters. I reflexively sniffed the air, catching her scent as she walked past me. When she turned she must have seen something in my face, because she got this look on her face, like she was pleased and scared at the same time. She held up a bag I’d not noticed she was carrying and said, “I brought you some stuff.”

I couldn’t deal with her presence in my current state, so when I sat down on the floor pillows I poured another sake and downed it a quick gulp, before pouring another to sip. I put the bottle on the little table and tried again for composure. I could do this; I could be nice without making a complete fool of myself.

“D’ya wan’ one?” I asked my unwanted visitor, slipping back into the accent of the lower 70’s without thinking. She nodded briefly and I got back up to grab a cup for her. While my back was turned, I made another crotch adjustment and tried to think of the most unsexy things I knew: The captain commander in a banana hammock, Zaraki in a pink, western-style ball gown, Yumichika waxing Ikkaku’s balls, anything to take my mind off Rukia. It didn’t help much and I was even more annoyed when I plopped back down on one of my pillows and poured her sake.

“Why’re ya here, Rukia?” I asked unpleasantly, forgetting my resolve to be nice. She pushed the bag in my direction and looked down at her cup.

“There was some stuff I realized I wanted you to have. And I wanted to, well, I wanted to see you, Renji. It’s been so long…”

“What’re ya talkin’ about, we saw each other yesterday!” burst out of my mouth before I could stop myself. I saw her face take on that stubborn expression she used to get when we were kids and she thought I was being an ass.

“Just open the bag, Renji, and stop being such a rotten asshole,” she told me sharply. I’d somehow forgotten how fond of cursing she could be.

I complied, feeling a smile on my face at her words, despite the fact that I wasn’t in the mood for company. I opened the bag and took out the package on the top, which was warm and squishy. My immediate suspicions were confirmed when I opened it. I was torn between gratitude and apprehension as I eyed the taiyaki it contained. “You know, the last time you brought me taiyaki, everything changed, Rukia.”

She nodded and held her cup out for a refill. I obliged the unspoken command without question. After I’d finished pouring her another drink, I ate one of the taiyaki with one hand and with other hand rooted around the bottom of the bag for the stuff she’d brought me. My eyes teared up when I pulled out the smooth rock. I crammed the rest of the taiyaki in my mouth so I could use both hands to pull out the rest of the bags contents.

After I’d wiped my hand on the front of my kimono, I dug out the smooth wooden flute, the ribbon and the handkerchief. I lined them carefully up on the scarred table and took a deep breath and just looked at the completely worthless items that were worth more than all the kings gold to me. My chest was tight and breathing was difficult. I downed my sake and poured another one.

“Fuck, Rukia, I, uhm, thank you.” I finally said, as the silence stretched out, trying not to give in to the urge to cry. She shrugged, as if it was no big deal and held out her cup for another sake. “You sure?” I asked, “It’s pretty strong stuff and you were always kind of a light weight when it came to liquor.” She just nodded and slammed her third shot after I’d handed it to her. Her face wrinkled up a little bit, but she didn’t cough like I’d thought she would.

“You know what you said about me bringing you taiyaki?” she asked, her eyes now bright from the liquor she’d consumed so quickly. I nodded, confused. She stood up abruptly and looked around my living room. “Your place is kind of bare,” she said as she looked around. It’s true, it was. Some pillows on the floor next to a squat little table. A little cupboard for my one pot and one pan, cups and teapot lined up on top next to a few bottles of sake, a little potbellied stove in the corner for cooking and heat in the winter. A rice paper screen door cracked open which led to my equally bare bedroom in the back.

“Yeah, well I just got it. And, uh, I spend too much on my glasses,” I said slowly. She looked at me, straight in the eye and untied her kosode, allowing it to fall to the ground. I felt my eyes widen in response and that annoying half-erection was suddenly a screaming, raging hard-on.

“What are you doing, Rukia?” I asked, alarmed, as she fiddled with tie of her hakama.

“Changing everything again,” she said as black fabric pooled around her ankles. I was half terrified, half ecstatic. She was naked under her clothes and the sight of her body took my breath away like it had so many decades ago. She’d changed very little, but it was so different because I got to see her in the afternoon light, rather than the dimness cast by the smallest sliver of a moon.

As she advanced on me in her undressed glory, I tried to back away, but I couldn’t go very far since the wall was right there. I ended up with pillows bunched under my thighs and the tatami mats digging into my ass. When she stood in front of me, I had to crane my neck to see her face and all I saw there was scary determination.

I wanted her so badly, but I had just gotten my friend back. My mind was screaming the same refrain over and over: DON’T DO THIS, STUPID, as she stared down at me. I wanted to be bigger than my lust for her, but holy shit, it was beyond difficult when she was naked and in front of me.

“Do you remember that time you said that at least you left me a virgin?” she asked quietly, as she knelt before me. I nodded stupidly as I remembered the words I’d tossed at her with the intent to hurt. I wondered dimly what that had to do with anything, as her hands reached up, towards my face and I flinched. She smirked and snaked her hands around my head. She loosened my hair as she said, “Relax, I won’t hurt you.”

“You don’t have to do this, Rukia,” I said as she trailed her fingers from the back of my head to my forehead. She carefully traced my tattoos and I closed my eyes at the sensation of her callused fingertips on my skin. When she finished, she ran her hands down the sides of my face and touched the tattoos I had that came out of the hairline at the nape of my neck. She was so close I could feel her breath on my skin. When I opened my eyes again, she was putting her hands inside the v-shaped opening of my kimono.

“I know I don’t have to do this,” she said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. She pushed the kimono over my shoulders and I did nothing to stop her. She smiled and eyed my exposed chest with a predatory gaze. “I’ve wondered for ages just how far down your tattoos go, Renji.”

I swallowed the smart ass remarks that automatically came to mind and tried to edge away from her. She didn’t allow it, instead crawled after me. “Don’t you want me anymore, Renji?”

If I had thrown up a white flag, my surrender could not have been more obvious. When she leaned over to untie the belt of my kimono, I let her. Not only that, I grabbed her smoothly muscled arm and yanked her down on top of me. “I’ve never stopped wanting you, Rukia. Not for a second,” I said as I pulled her face close to mine. I’d waited over forty years for this moment and I didn’t want to miss any of it, so I left my eyes open as I kissed her.

She wrapped herself around me like she had back then; the moment so familiar the déjà-vu almost made me come right there and then. I remembered that I had a futon in the back, the one piece of furniture I’d actually bought. I wrapped my arms around her securely before I stood up. She kept on kissing me, even as I tried to find my footing so I could walk us to the bedroom. I almost tripped over the pillows and I did stub my toe against the table. I heard the cups roll around and a tinkling sound as they fell to the floor.

I pulled my lips from hers, just so I could see better and get us there faster. She dropped her head and latched on to my neck with her teeth. I took the few steps to the screen and flung it open with more force than necessary. It was more cramped back there and I wished briefly that I’d cleaned up sometime in the last month. Uniforms and bandages were strewn all over the floor, but the futon was free of clutter.

I dropped her carefully in the tangle of sheets and crawled in after her. She reached for me and I obliged her without a second thought. She pushed me onto my back and roamed her hands across my upper body. “You’ve changed, filled out,” she murmured as she bent to trace the black lines that slashed across my chest with her tongue. When she finished with the left side, she said, “You still taste the same, though.”

My hands found purchase on her skin and I rolled her over onto her back, following so I was braced above her. My hair fell forward and curtained our faces and our scents mingled in the space between us. The look on her face was intense, like she was trying to will me to make a move. “Are you positive, Rukia?” I asked, like a complete and utter moron.

She smiled at me and used a hand to push my head down. I’d thought she’d wanted a kiss, but she directed me lower, till my mouth hovered over her breasts. Those perfect little tits of hers, with the rock hard nipples, practically begged for attention. She arched her back in invitation and I suckled one into my mouth. She sighed while I nibbled gently and she muttered “I’ve wanted that for so long. More, please more.”

I used my right hand to cover the other one, kneading it at first and then used my finger tips to pull on the stiff peak. She hummed in satisfaction and I found myself rocking my hips into the space between her thighs. Her hands were in my hair, pulling and then they were on my shoulders, pushing me down her body. I let go of her nipple with an audible pop and then I was making my way down her stomach, licking and biting her skin, swirling my tongue in her navel.

I could have spent all day like that, just lapping at her skin, but she was impatient. She pushed my shoulders harder till I moved further down, till I was eye level with the sparse hair covering her mons. I hadn’t done this for anybody in the years since we’d been together and I wondered if I had exaggerated how good she’d tasted in my mind over the years. I used one hand to part her lips and swiped down with my tongue.

The taste and sensation made me moan. It was every bit as good as I’d recalled and I practically dove in for more. I couldn’t concentrate on finesse, or hitting the right spot, I just suckled and licked, until my whole world was her. I could hear her moaning and calling my name from somewhere far off. When she shuddered and let out a low growl, I nearly came on the spot. The lower half of my face was coated with her fragrant liquid and I was content to just lay my head on her thigh and breathe in the delicious aroma for a while.

“Hmm, I needed that,” she murmured as her hands tangled in my hair. I smiled, completely agreeing with her. “Come back up here, Renji,” she asked with a gravelly voice as she tugged gently on the ends of my hair. I crawled back up the length of her body, letting her body rub against mine, feeling the softness of her skin against my dick.

As I settled next to her, she curled around me and gently stroked my chest with her fingertips. I hadn’t come and I was still rock hard, but I didn’t mind in the slightest. “I don’t want to be a virgin anymore, Renji,” she said out of the blue and suddenly her earlier comment made sense. My heart swelled, beating harder and faster in my chest, as pure fear shot through my veins.

Kuchiki-taichou would kill me if I did that, but hell, he’d kill me for what we’d already done. Rukia seemed to sense what I was thinking, because she rolled over to cover me with her body. She crossed her arms over my chest and rested her chin on top of her hands, to pin me with a level stare. I wedged my arms under my head and stared back, determined to win this contest of wills.

“Your brother would really not be too happy about that, Rukia,” I finally said, looking away, unable to take her even stare anymore. She sighed deeply and rolled off of me, making sure to nudge me in the ribs with her elbow. She twisted on to her stomach and ran her hands down my body, till she curled one of them around my cock and the other around my balls. “That’s not quite fair, Rukia,” I said in a strangled voice.

“Do you still like it like this?” she asked as her grip became firmer around the base and pulled up towards the tip. She squeezed with her other hand around my sac as she drew her other hand back towards the hilt again. Pre-cum leaked from the slit at the top and provided lubrication as she slowly dragged her hand back down. “That’s right,” she said as if she’d just had an epiphany, “you liked it faster, harder.” Her hand moved up and down faster, as she applied more pressure.

My good sense fled with the increase in friction and my hips flexed of their own volition. I heard my breath come in ragged pants and when she whispered, “I’ve always wondered how you would feel inside me,” I came with a hoarse cry. She moved and I felt the bed shift as she got up. I raised my head and watched her carefully pick her way between discarded clothes to the other room.

I tried to swallow the moment of foreboding that she would throw on her uniform and leave me there to wonder if the encounter had even happened. I wasn’t quite successful, cold sweat breaking out across my exposed skin as I waited to hear the distinctive creak of my front door as she left. When that didn’t happen and she didn’t return I started to get annoyed and was just about to push myself off the bed when she slid back through the door.

She tossed a wad of bandages at me, which flopped across my face. I used them to carefully wipe my crotch and when I looked back up, she was looking at me with this inscrutable expression on her face. She had the package of taiyaki in one hand and an unopened bottle of sake in the other. “Whachou lookin’ at?” I asked after she just stood there for another silent stretching minute.

She smiled; a soft, tremulous curve of the lips that I had not seen on her face before. “You,” she said simply as she finally made her way back to the bed. She handed me the taiyaki and the sake and crawled over to me. I uncapped the sake, took a sip and felt the liquor heat my insides pleasantly. She grinned at me when I used the back of my hand to wipe my mouth. She took the bottle from me and took a small sip, while I shoved a fish-shaped pancake in my mouth.

“So, are we going to fuck after you’ve finished eating that?” she asked nonchalantly. I choked and spewed crumbs across myself and the bed, as Rukia sat there shaking with laughter. I swallowed what remained in my mouth with an audible gulp and looked at her. She was still laughing, her tits jiggling as she rocked slightly back and forth on the bed.

I brushed as much of the mess off myself and the bed as I could, trying to figure out a way I could explain away taking the virginity of my captains adopted sister. She must have read my mind, since the next words out of her mouth were “It’s not about him, Renji, it’s about us. Do you know I felt your reiatsu when you were fighting my brother and didn’t even recognize it till it almost disappeared? I thought you were dead and that it was my fault. It felt like something inside me died along with you. There was so much I wanted to tell you, to do with you. Please, I want to be as close to you as it’s possible for two people to be. Is that so wrong?”

I wanted to acquiesce to her request, but I really didn’t want to get shredded by Kuchiki-taichou’s Senbonsakura again. I also respected the man too much to take advantage of this girl, even if she was the one I’d relentlessly dreamed about for over a century. She saw my hesitation and said casually, “I could just use kidou to bind you to your bed and have my wicked way with you regardless.”

“You wouldn’t dare!” I blurted, as she inched her way closer to me. The look in her eyes told me that she would. A very bad idea formed inside my head as she looked at me.

She took another sip of sake and said “Last chance to do this as a willing partner, Renji.” I nodded, pretending defeat as she smiled like a child who’s finally gotten their way. She leaned over and licked the corner of my mouth, muttering about sweet bean paste and what a messy eater I was. Everywhere her skin touched felt like silky fire and I nearly lost my resolve. I knew what I had to do, even if it was going to tear me up.

Using my strength and size to my advantage, I rolled over, covering her swiftly with my body. I raised her arms above her head and pinned them there by the wrists. She squirmed delightfully beneath me and I couldn’t believe the stupidity of the act I was about to commit. Before I had the opportunity to over-think the situation, I bound her in place with kidou. I was perversely proud I'd managed to do it without the long incantation. She looked amazed that I had managed it so well, before shock and then anger crept into her features.

As she struggled, I kept saying sorry, over and over, hoping that one day she’d forgive me and understand. Just before I put my hand on her neck to pinch the nerves and vein located there that would make her pass out, I tried to explain how I felt, why I thought my actions were necessary. “Look, Rukia, I can’t accept your virginity. I respect you and your brother too much. Maybe someday, I’ll be good enough and I can ask your brother for your hand. For now, sleep.” I squeezed her neck gently and her outraged squeaks and struggles ceased.

Shit, shit, shit, what have I done? I thought as I watched her still form sprawled on my bed, naked. What do I do with her now? It was still vaguely light out and someone might see me carrying her back to the Fourth Division. I pulled a blanket over her, released the kidou spell and arranged her arms into a more comfortable looking position. I snatched the package of taiyaki off the floor along with the bottle of sake as I got up. I allowed myself to look at her one last time like a lover would before closing the screen door.

I put my kimono back on, sat on one of my lumpy pillows and drank the rest of the sake as quickly as I could as I stared at the collection of items on the table. Kenshin’s flute worn smooth by long dead fingers, Takashi’s round grey rock with the white stripes, Yori’s braided ribbon and Ai’s blue cotton handkerchief. The memories they brought back were just too much to deal with and I swept them back into the bag Rukia had brought. I got back up and stumbled over to the cupboard and tossed it in. When I slammed the door shut, the loud bang was satisfying.

I was back to brooding, alone- only this time I was waiting for darkness to fall. I was trying to get enough nerve up to go back in that room and dress the unconscious Rukia Kuchiki. I was trying to figure out the words I could use to make her forgive me.

~*~

Unohana-taichou smiled that gentle, all-knowing smile of hers when I dropped her off. She promised discretion and I blushed saying it wasn’t like that. I brushed the lock of hair from Rukia’s forehead and resisted the urge to kiss her. When Unohana-sama asked if there was any message I’d like to leave, I nodded slowly. There was so much I wanted to say, to explain, but in the end all I could manage was Goodbye, Rukia.

The walk back from the Fourth Division was longer than I’d remembered it being.

I had one more bottle of sake and I planned to drink every drop before I had to leave for the World of the Living tomorrow.

~*~

More smut, but still no sex. God. Poor Renji has to have the worst case of blue balls EVAR. Then again, he did to himself.

Till the Clouds Clear is a song by Lamb, it just seemed to suit the mood and feel of this chapter. (Don't own them or their music, either. More's the pity.) Copied the lyrics below, if you're interested:

What's left to say with all that's come and gone
Words get in the way and anyway the devils got your tongue
And a storm brews inside and there's nowhere to hide
It's gonna blow your cover sky high
But if you let this thing go, it's gonna burn, it's gonna burn
You're gonna take the whole world with you when you go

Oh oh oh what you gonna do ?
When the storm takes over

So here you are, demons screaming in your head
You try to shut them out but they just get louder instead
And nothing you do can seem to break through
This darkness smothering you
When it takes hold, your heart turns cold
The very soul seeps out of you

Oh oh oh what you gonna do ?
When this storm, this storm takes over you
Can you hold this thing

'Til the clouds clear
~

That's all for now folks- good night! Don't forget to tip your waitress (in this case that means, please leave a review).