Stranger Than Fiction

A/N: I'm hung over and jetlagged, but I still love you guys enough to post a new chapter! Thank you to Brendabond for putting up with my abuse of the English language – and everyone should check out her story "Apperception". (I beta it!)

I do not own Bleach; if I did everyone would be too busy making out to battle an overly talkative butterfly Aizen.

Warnings: Adult situations, Jyuu meltdowns, and one angry Nanao.

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Jyuushiro stumbled backwards through Soul Society and held the pillow from Shunsui's couch tightly to his groin. His body was feeling warm all over, he was mildly perspiring, his penis had quickened, and his mind was a jumbled disaster.

The shoujo manga Nanao had recommended, or at least the ones with female characters, had never showed sex like that! The woman was always panting, and she only said things like "oooh" and "ahhh" while the male hugged her. Then there were orgasms, and pretty flowers rained down while someone thought up or read bad poetry.

But in the clips Shunsui showed him, good gods, the women looked like they were being tortured. Jyuu couldn't understand how they were begging for more instead of crying out in pain. Surely, having something that large being crammed in between your legs had to be agonizing. Clutching the pillow closer to himself, he thought about the woman in the second scene screeching embarrassingly when the man on screen withdrew his penis from her, uh…vagina while simultaneously begging for him to put it back in. Was this how sex was? Was it that vulgar? Are all women that wanton? His lungs would probably seize up if that ever happened in front of him. And that last clip, oh gods the last clip - sure, that was done with men in the shoujo manga that he had "borrowed" from Nanao, but really, wasn't it dirty back there? He could never think of doing that to a lady! But if that was true, why is his penis currently growing even harder from thinking about what was about to happen to the woman in that scene? Does this mean he's now a pervert? Jyuu's lip trembled; he didn't want to be a pervert!

He effected to take some deep calming breaths to try and will his now painful erection to go down, away, off - whatever. Off? Shit, he was losing his grip on his senses already. Double shit, even if it was in his own head, he was cursing! Jyuu squeezed his eyes shut in a vain attempt to will back tears of frustration. When he was a boy he was warned about this, that sexual intercourse would rot his mind and lead him down a slippery slope of deviant behavior. He was going to wind up just like Shunsui – a lazy, drunken, skirt chaser who shirks off all his work on others. But Shunsui was his best friend, and he seems pretty happy with his life, so how bad can it be? He shook his head and tried to clear his thoughts. Things would be so much simpler if he hadn't been an emotional idiot and signed that contract…

Jyuu's mental tirade stopped as he opened his eyes and noticed they had just crossed the gates into the outer gardens of his division. He also came to the realization he was being dragged. And judging by the agitated reaitsu to his back, the person dragging him was none other than Nanao. Which just made his current predicament worse since she had probably witnessed the newfound depths of his depravity. He couldn't go into the division like this; he needed to collect himself first.

He reached up and grasped her wrist, "N-nanao! S-Stop please!"

Jyuu felt her release the back of his haori and slowly turned to face the inevitable while still holding his pillow strategically. A very irritated Nanao was standing in front of him, with her hand on her hip, as she adjusted her glasses with her mouth pulled downward into a frown. Actually, the lady in the fourth clip did some amazing things with her mouth. He wasn't sure how, but she could fit an entire…OH DEAR GODS! He should really head back to Ugendo and just commit seppuku now. It would be easier. His family would forgive him.

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Nanao stood in the thankfully deserted outer gardens of the Thirteenth division as she scrutinized the new "project" she had undertaken without thinking clearly. She was still pissed at her Captain for this mess, and would come up with a way to take him down a notch or two eventually. Maybe misplacing form 27-a and forgetting to tell him before his next meeting with the Captain Commander. Then he could have two broken legs. She sighed; he would just be twice as annoying if that happened. Plotting revenge was pointless until she could think without a veil of rage.

Mentally shaking her head to get back on track, she narrowed her eyes in thought at Captain Ukitake as he adjusted a pillow he was holding over his groin. A pillow that was probably covering a hard on…ugh. Seriously, why does all the weird nonsense always happen to her?

Sure, Ukitake was handsome, but says and does things without thinking first - like signing contracts, or watching porn in the Eighth's offices. She ground her teeth. He also acts like a child, and has a childlike glee about almost everything. Which is annoying. Very, very, annoying. Especially when her drunken idiot of a Captain does something beyond the pale of stupid, like bringing in donkeys from the real world. She knew that there was no way Captain Kyoraku would do something so asinine unless there was someone who thought it would be funny. And that someone currently was standing in front of her, hiding a boner behind an old throw pillow and he was…wait minute, is he staring at her chest?

"Ahem," Nanao crossed her arms over her breasts and glared at the captain, earning an involuntary squeak from the man as his eyes shot up to her face. "I told Captain Kyoraku that I would help you out." Upon seeing his shocked features, his mouth curving into his usual unthinking smile, she decided to clarify, "Not help you like that! You…you…pervert!"

Suddenly Ukitake's face flushed and he began choking. She was totally right; it was going to be one of those days.

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A/N: Reviews are wonderful. Even anonymous ones!