Do Words Make a Bit of Difference?

When I woke up, I had the hangover to end all other hangovers. I was huddled on the floor, wrapped around a pillow like I used to wrap myself around Rukia when we were back in the Rukongai. It was early, I could tell by the diffuse quality of the light, which I was truly grateful for. It meant three things; the first being that I was not late, two being that the bathroom I shared with the Third Seat would be vacant and three that my eye balls wouldn’t burst into searing agony when I went to the gate, as long as I was quick about washing up.

I snatched a clean uniform from a peg on my bedroom wall and carefully opened the back door. There was a slatted wooden floor and matching walls, a sink and a little round wooden tub. The sink and the tub were fed steaming hot water and that was a luxury we didn’t have in the barracks for the lower seated officers.

I splashed some lukewarm water on my face, under my arms and used a washcloth to scrub my crotch. After brushing my teeth, I decided that I could properly wash in the World of the Living. If I waited any longer, the sun would be out full force and the flaming eyeballs of death would be a certainty. I’d broken my last pair of sunglasses and didn’t yet have the money to replace them.

I was dressed and out at the gate in five minutes flat and was surprised to see Kuchiki-taichou waiting for me. He handed me a rolled up piece of parchment, another copy of my orders, no doubt. He wasn’t one for pleasantries in the morning, but then neither was I, so I skipped Good Morning, Taichou and went straight to business. “Are there any new additions to the orders, Taichou?” I asked, hoping that I could get out of there fast.

He shook his head and looked for a moment as pained and uncertain as he could manage. This meant there was a slight crease between his eyebrows, but I was pretty sure that meant pained and uncertain in his body language...

“I’ve heard that you had a visitor yesterday,” he said quietly. Oh, FUCK! Stupid, fucking gossip hounds couldn’t keep their mouths shut. I’d have to kill them all if I escaped with my life, shit, shit, SHIT, I thought, desperately trying to figure out a good reason for the mans sister to have been in my quarters alone. There was none, of course, and I resigned myself to having my head chopped off unceremoniously.

I bowed my head, there was no point in lying, but I couldn’t quite manage to look him in the eye. “Yes, Kuchiki-taichou. Your sister stopped by in the afternoon. I, uh, tried to get her to leave right away, but she insisted on coming in. I escorted her back to the Fourth Division after dark, hoping that the…” gossip-mongers, hopeless old biddies masquerading as my comrades, fucking bastards, “other people in the barracks would have found something else to focus on by that time.”

He looked bored and hmmm’d, but I knew it was a front and any moment now my head would roll away from my body like a ball in futsal. I had an absurd image of Byakuya Kuchiki kicking my head, yelling, GOAL! and punching the air triumphantly.

“Nothing improper happened, Taichou-dono.” Liar! “She said she was bored in the Fourth Division and wanted to visit an old friend. I,” oh shit, I gave her oral pleasure, but that’s it I SWEAR! “Respect you too much to allow something untoward happen to her.”

More hmmm’ing and another bored look. At this point I was ready to pull out Zabimaru and end it myself, but I restrained myself. I waited for him to speak, but when it became clear he wouldn’t, I looked up and asked quietly, “May I leave now, sir?”

He shook his head and looked me straight in the eye. It looked as if he was deciding something, and finally said, “I’d hoped that as my sister became accustomed to life as a noble, she would cease her interest and participation with Shinigami activities. I’ve suggested a number of suitable matches from other noble houses, but she refuses them all… She’s very stubborn, isn’t she?”

I nodded, not quite sure where he was going with this. “I know you two were close, at one time. I also know you would give your life to ensure her safety,” he continued as I nodded emphatically. “Tell me truthfully, Abarai-san, is it the love of a sister you feel for her?”

Shit. Fuck. Double damn. How was I supposed to answer that? I had, and still have no tact and so little skill in diplomacy it is laughable. “Taichou-dono, it is no secret that we grew up together. I would protect her with my life, just because of that,” I finally answered.

“That is not what I asked, Abarai. Tell me, what is it that drives your need to protect her?” he growled and for an instant he truly seemed like any overprotective older brother in the Soul Society and not the head of one of the oldest noble family’s in the Seireitei.

I couldn’t lie to his face and I couldn’t sugarcoat it. I respected him too much, both as my captain and as a man. “No, Kuchiki-taichou, to answer your earlier question, I do not love her as one loves a sister,” I said as clear as day, as I looked him square in the eye, with way more confidence than I actually felt. “I love her, have loved her; will always love her, as a man loves a woman. That is what drives my need to protect her.”

My guts were liquid mercury inside my stomach and I felt sick. I prayed for a swift death and that I would meet it like a man should. Byakuya Kuchiki, as much as he was able, looked crestfallen at my admission. “Does she feel the same?” he asked after an uncomfortable few minutes had passed.

“I wouldn’t presume to guess how your sister feels, Kuchiki-taichou,” I hedged. She probably hated my guts right about then.

“And nothing untoward happened yesterday when she visited you?” he pressed.

“I can assure you, taichou-dono, that she left as untouched as she was when she came,” and that was the gods honest truth, seeing as I'd pretty much done the same thing to her before she was ever adopted. Gotta love a good technicality.

“You may leave now, fukitaichou” he said, dismissal evident in his tone and demeanor. I turned toward the gate, breathing easier, glad my head was still attached to my neck.

“If she wishes it, you may call upon her when you return. Provided, of course, you are successful in your mission,” he said as I entered the darkness beyond.

The smile on my face probably wouldn’t fade for weeks.

~*~

I stared at the clothes on my bed as if that would make more choices appear. My options were either my flowered white kimono or my uniform. There was no way I would show up at the Kuchiki manor in my kimono. Yes, it was a good quality garment, but I’d look like a frou-frou idiot. That left my uniform. I’d just had them all cleaned and one of them looked just about new. I carefully put it on, making sure all the folds lay properly, that they fell in straight lines.

The next problem was my hair, not to mention my face. Should I tie it back? Should I braid it? Should I leave it loose? Should I tie a bandage around my forehead to disguise my tattoos? Aaagh, a guy could go crazy trying to figure out how to dress for a, what? A date? It wasn’t a date, I was… what had Kuchiki-taichou said? I was calling upon her. I, Renji Abarai, was calling upon Rukia Kuchiki. Fuck, that made it sound so much worse. What if she didn’t want to see me? Shit, shit, shit, this was bad. Oh, it was so much worse than bad. I was fucked.

I finally pulled my hair back like I always did and tied a white cloth around my forehead. If nothing else, I figured it would soak up the sweat that I would surely be dripping with when I finally saw her. My lieutenant’s badge was the final addition and I secured it carefully around my bicep, making sure it sat properly. I checked myself in the mirror that hung from the wall in my bedroom and I decided there was nothing else I could do.

I was me; nothing I could do to disguise that now was there? No matter, I thought, as I took one final deep breath, there’s no guarantee that she’d even agree to see me.

In a fit of pique the day before, I had torn through my apartment like a demon, picking up empty cups and bottles, throwing away papers and other detritus, and slinging a pile of unopened mail in the cupboard. I had washed and wiped every inch of the place. I’d never seen it so clean, even when I’d moved in. I wasn’t expecting Rukia to stop by again; I just… wanted to be prepared.

As I stood looking at my spotless living room, I wondered if I should bring anything along, flowers, candy or something. What was the custom when someone went to call on a noble? When I left my place I was literally scratching my head, trying to figure out what to do, what to say. I remembered seeing a flower stand outside the gates, so I shunpo’d over there and looked at the choices.

Rukia didn’t seem like a sunflower kind of girl and camellias were out of the question. A spray of lavender looked like purple topped twigs. The vendor saw my apparent inability to choose and tried to tell me the different meanings; a daffodil would mean respect and a forget-me-not true love. I guess he thought that would make my choice easier, but when he started talking about how cacti meant sex, it just got too weird for me and I got out of there.

That was how I ended up at the Kuchiki manors doorstep empty handed. I knocked and tried not to fidget as I waited for the door to open. To say I was surprised that Kuchiki-taichou opened the door himself would be a massive understatement. After I bowed as respectfully as I could, he ushered me in without a real greeting, a carefully blank look upon his face.

“Are you here on business, fukitaichou?” he asked when he carefully closed the door. I tried not to think of my escape route being blocked when I shook my head.

“I’m here to see, that is, I am here to call upon Rukia, if that is all right?” I said trying to contain the blush I felt creeping up my neck. I’d been to the manor once before, but only as far as the hallway, in which we now stood. I wondered if it had been specifically designed to feel intimidating and unwelcoming.

The head of the Kuchiki clan, not my captain, stood before me now, I could see that in his stance. He regarded me like I was a bug and he was seconds from squashing me. Had I misheard, or somehow misunderstood what he’d told me before I left for that mission a few weeks prior? I felt my knees turning gelatinous at the thought that I had miscalculated so gravely. And here I’d thought I would get to keep my head on my shoulders…

He turned abruptly and strode down the long hallway without looking back to me. “Come,” he commanded after I just stood there. I knelt quickly and untied my sandals, placing them in a carved rack with other more expensive-looking sandals. When I looked up he was halfway down the massive corridor and I hastened to catch up. As I half-ran behind him, I caught glimpses of massive vases and hanging scrolls, peeks of the gardens. It served as a reminder of how far below this family I truly was.

Then he stopped and led the way into a huge room overlooking the gardens. He sat on a pillow in front of a low table. There was a steaming cup in front of him and small tray with a teapot and a two empty cups on it. I could smell some type of floral tea in the air and it made my stomach roll. He nodded to the pot and asked me if I would like some. I couldn’t think of a polite way to refuse so I accepted a cup.

I’d just placed the cup to my lips when he asked, “What intentions do you have towards my sister? I ask plainly because I know you are a plainspoken man.”

Thankfully I didn’t sputter and spray tea all over the place, but it was close. I’d hoped for a bit of reprieve before the questioning began, but Kuchiki was apparently not in the mood to beat around the proverbial bush. I gulped the hot liquid as an excuse to delay my response, ignoring the third degree burn I’d surely given myself.

“Kuchiki-taichou, I would be honored to just have a friendship with her, but I,” my balls kept trying to find a way to crawl up inside my body and I could barely resist the urge to squirm uncontrollably, “wish to, uh,” fuck, I might as well spit it out, “offer my troth to her.”

The redness I’d fought back in the hallway earlier returned tenfold and I felt my face blazing as I looked down at my lap. I should have expected this torture; really, I should have, when I knocked on the door. Here comes stupid ol' Renji, callin’ on a noble girl, la-la-la, expecting to be able to just be able visit with her without any problems. Crap! What a frickin’ idiot I am.

“And has she given any indication that she returns the sentiment?” my erstwhile adversary asked in a dangerous tone.

I nearly shrugged, but stopped myself, “Not in so many words...” I answered, wondering if I really would escape this day with all my body parts still attached. It would suck to have to go back to the World of the Living to have Inoue put me back together and explain how exactly I’d been castrated. I heard a distant pounding and thought maybe it was the sound of my heartbeat in my head.

“And why should she accept your proposal? What do you have to offer?” he asked, fixing me with a stare so intense it felt like I was a butterfly pinned to a board. The pounding had gotten louder and I wondered if I was about to have a stroke when Rukia skidded to a stop outside the room.

“Nii-sama!” she sounded outraged, but schooled her features into a mask of indifference in the blink of an eye. She bowed curtly and entered the room to stand next to the little table. “While I thank you for your concern, this is really none of your business. I am free to have friends, am I not?”

“You are, as you say ‘free to have friends’, but I was trying to ascertain his motives. Would it interest you to know that his attention is not purely platonic?” he said softly, in a tone of voice I recognized immediately as dangerous.

She whipped around and stared at me. I now had two sets of ice cold eyes riveted on my face. “What did you tell him?” she asked me quietly. I couldn’t tell if she wanted to hurt me or not, but I figured if I was going to die, I may as well die laying all my cards on the table. She’d find out regardless, since I was never able to keep anything from her successfully.

I took a deep breath and plunged ahead, “Well, you see, when you were about to be executed, I came to the conclusion that life without you would be flat, cold, pointless. And then you were safe and I was so relieved that I thought, hey, I could go on as it was. You know, I could just keep being that guy you used to know, someone you’re friendly with occasionally,” I looked down, afraid to meet her eyes.

What could I say to convince her that she was the one I loved, that I wanted to be with her forever? This was not what I’d wanted to get into when I knocked on the door earlier. I was only supposed to be "calling on" her, not spilling my guts to her and her brother, certainly not proposing. How had my life ended up so fucked up?

“When I visited you at the Fourth Division, I kept telling myself that I was just glad that I could count myself as your friend. Then you went and changed everything, Rukia. By visiting me, by giving me hope that maybe someday, you could be mine, that you could be happy with me,” I was making a complete fool of myself, in front of my captain, the one person I wanted to surpass; in front of the girl, no, woman, I loved.

“I love you, Rukia Kuchiki, more than anything, more than freedom, more than life itself. Please,” I clambered off the squishy pillow and knelt before her, my forehead brushing the ground at her feet. “Please, do me the greatest honor of consenting to become my wife,” there I’d spilled it all, finally. I might as well have stripped naked and performed an interpretive dance number while waving a banner that said ‘I’m a fool for you’.

I heard her breathing heavily above me for the space of a few heart beats. Then she said, “Excuse me, Nii-sama, Renji,” and she fled. I pushed myself off the floor, quite sure that death would be preferable to the humiliation I felt right then. Byakuya Kuchiki looked like he was trying to hold in laughter and there I was, stripped of even the most basic of armor.

“I think,” shit, I needed to get out of there before I did something else incredibly stupid, “I need to go, Kuchiki-taichou. I apologize for taking up so much of your time. Please, excuse me.” I got up and bowed to him, before I started for the doorway.

“Abarai-san,” he said sharply. “Please do not misunderstand. I know how much your admission cost you. I’m not amused because you were hurt, or because she spurned you,” he almost smiled and I wanted nothing more than to punch him in his stupid mouth. “She may be a proficient shinigami, but she is still a woman, prone to fickleness and flights of fancy. I doubt that her hasty departure was anything more than a bid for time and space to consider the matter.”

“If you are not amused, then why do you look it?” I blurted the question before I could stop myself.

“I didn’t say I was not amused, did I?” I looked at him and he must have seen how upset the situation had made me. “I’m amused because her sister reacted much the same to my heartfelt declarations of love. She scurried off like the devils were after her, as well. I’m often reminded how much she looks like Hisana, but not it’s not often she acts like her sister. I will miss having her around, I think.”

I bowed again, afraid of what I’d say if I spoke and made my way back to through the hall to collect my sandals and leave.

~*~


First:
Mega huge thanks to SexyBleach, who's reviewed not once, but twice. Your kind words of praise are an inspiration and made me smile like an idiot. Hugs!

Another set of thanks goes out to Polymer for the sweet review...It's really appreciated.

(pours rounds of e-sake for us three, and raises glass to two of my favorite people at the moment)

You have no idea how much it means to me, and that you both actually told me specifically what you liked. Gosh.

Second:
I waffled on this chapter hardcore. Like, should I or shouldn't I? But, as I went through the rest of the story in my head, I realized I had to do it. Don't worry, they're not gonna suddenly be all happy and run off and get married and all that jazz. I still have way more torture and anguish to put these two through before I'm done with them. It'll make more sense as the story progresses. You'll see.

Third:
The chapter name is a song by Fiona Apple, which I don't own or make any money from. Again, I wonder why I can't sing... At this point I'd be perfectly content if my screeching didn't scare children and animals.

Fourth:
For the rest of you who stumble on this story, please, PLEASE(!) let me know what you think. Egads- I'll even get on my knees.

Fifth:
I have the rest weekend off! WOO-HOO!!!! So I'll be working to put up more. Let's just say, what I have planned for these two next, I can't show Ma.