A Whole New Life

Ulquiorra did his sit-ups with full vigor, a bright smile on his face. He could still feel Grimmjow's lips against his hairline like a ghost (he realized what a pun that was) and the thrill of Grimmjow's worry for him, and each gave him a new energy. That little press of lip against skill showed so much, stripping Grimmjow of his lovably rough exterior and showing his beating, bleeding heart to the world- or maybe just to Ulquiorra. The display of caring affection amazed him; no one had ever shown him a love like that, and he guessed he never knew how much he yearned for it until his dreams told him.

He knew the other him hadn't ever known a closeness like that either, but it hadn't completely thrown him for a loop so Ulquiorra was sure that he'd gotten used to it. He could feel the other him opening up to Grimmjow, and he knew that wouldn't have happened fast. He wished he had a better idea of how much time had passed.

Grimmjow's worry, though, had utterly perplexed the other him. Ulquiorra would admit that he could understand why it would, given the way the other him thought. The worry was, for all intents and purposes, illogical. The blast hadn't reached his room, and even if it had he was too powerful to be hurt. And even if he had been, he had rapid regeneration. The other him did, anyway. But even though the worry was useless and illogical, the real him savored it. It made something inside of him glow with joy, trill and sing inside his chest. Someone worried about him. Somebody cared whether or not he was alright. There was a person, even if only a figment of his imagination, who wanted to be sure that he was comfortable and safe.

His lower back hurt as he flopped down onto his bed. He'd decided to do his pushups and sit-ups on the mattress in case he fell and face-planted like he almost had before. He sighed and smiled. It felt good to work his body again, and it felt good to know what he was working towards. He wanted so bad to be like that other him. Then he could have someone like grimmjow. He wasn't shy anymore about being in love with a man. He couldn't see the difference.

There was an announcing knock on the door, and it opened to show the regular bob. By the regular bob, ulquiorra meant Aizen-Bob. "Hello," Bob said, "I brought your food."

"Hi," Ulquiorra said.

"So," Bob asked as he came over to the bedside, "have you had any more of those dreams?" ulquiorra blinked, surprised by the coldness behind the facade of friendliness. Why hadn't he seen that before? Then he remembered that bob had been his Aizen template, and was immediately wary.

"Just a few," he said, dimming down their predominance in his life. Bob smiled fakery, handing ulquiorra his Dixie cup of pills. Ulquiorra looked down into it, and immediately panic welled up in him. "There's a new pill in here," he said, forcing his fear back. There had to be a reason. There had to be a logical reason. Bob smiled stickily, and ulquiorra inwardly shuddered with a kind of fear at that look.

"You're right," the man said, and something in ulquiorra recoiled at the annoyance that was carefully masked in the man's tone. He hadn't thought that ulquiorra would notice it. "It's just a little something to help you grasp hold of reality."

The dreams. He meant the dreams. Ulquiorra just knew, just knew that the pill would take the dreams away. He could feel it, as if he'd been told aloud, and he numbed. No. No. He needed grimmjow, needed that love. He should be terrified, frantic, desperate, so much else, but the influx of emotion shut him down. He was too stunned to speak, to think, to reason a way out. He stared at the offending pill in the cup, feeling with acute certainty everything he had left to cling to falling away. He felt bob's hand resting like a poisonous scorpion on his knee, and that lying, friendly voice said, "Don't worry, ulquiorra. Your dreams aren't helping you get along. Out goal is to put you back into society, and you have to do this in order for us to do that. Okay?"

Bob held the glass of water up to him, and he took it numbly. He felt bob watching him and dumped the pills into his mouth, drinking the water obediently. Bob smiled and patted his knee as he stood. "Good job," he said. "You'll be happier for this, Ulquiorra, I promise." He walked out, and ulquiorra didn't watch him leave.

He took the pills out from under his tongue and threw them into the commode.