Finding Home

Warning this is Yaoi which is boy x boy don’t read if you don’t like it. You have been warned.

AN: This is the sequel to Coming Home so I would recommend reading that before this one so not to confuse anyone. This story deals with some psychological issues and may make some people uncomfortable. Otherwise please enjoy this work of fiction. I hope it can live up to its predecessor. Please enjoy.

“.” speaking
‘.’ thoughts and conversations with zanpakuto.

Finding Home

Chapter One

Kira Izuru walked silently from the offices of Division Three. It had been six weeks since the final battle with the remaining Arrancar of Aizen’s army. Six weeks since Renji had discovered the dark secret Izuru had kept. ‘Would he tell anyone? Would anyone care if he did?’ Izuru asked himself as he walked slowly down the bustling street. A few children ran past him laughing, drawing his thoughts from his musings.

The streets were active with excitement, vendors shouted about their special festival kimonos and yukata for sell and children ran about in excitement. A festival was planned in just a few days, not that Izuru really cared. He would make an appearance. He would smile, drink, and play the happy fukutaicho to his friends. In actuality, his soul would be screaming in the pain that never left him save for the few precious moments of relief that the blade slicing through his flesh gave him. Pain to drive away the pain in his soul. Izuru had lost his way. It seemed like a life time ago that this suffering had been eased. The world had become a million shades of gray. How long would he be able to carry on like this pretending everything was fine while everyone was looking then hiding in the safety of his apartment and relieving the pain in the only way that helped.

Even Wabisuke had grown silent lately. Izuru had tried to hide his suffering from his lovely zanpakuto, but it proved to be impossible. His suffering was hers and though she hid it well, she felt every thing that he did. His inner world used to be a calm tree lined meadow with a babbling brook and cloudless blue sky, now it showed only dark clouds and brown grass. The rain never stopped and did nothing but hide Wabisuke‘s tears.

When Ichimaru-taicho had returned to Soul Society, Kira had found new hope for a short while. For a few short weeks, joy could be felt and the pain subsided. He even had started to spend time with Rangiku, Renji and Ikkaku. Life began to feel normal again. The joy gained was short lived and the darkness returned. Instead of returning his feelings, Gin treated him like merely a close friend or younger brother. The love that Izuru longed to give would never be returned. This was driven home on Ichimaru’s first day back as taicho. Witnessing the gentle loving kiss between Byakuya and Gin had driven a nail into his chest and all the pain came back in a wave so strong only one thing could hold back the tide. Not since the day that Ichimaru-taicho had left with Aizen-taicho and Tousen-taicho had such pain encompassed the shy man. It had nearly brought him to his knees.

Izuru had returned to his apartment like the devil was on his heels. For a moment the pain seemed almost too great and the thought of actually ending his suffering was tempting him. Death called to him, offering comfort and relief from his suffering. Wabisuke’s screams gave him some sanity though not enough to stop the blade from slicing into the flesh of his arm. Blood dripping onto the cold floor, crimson rivers running down his arm. It would be so easy to end it all but though Izuru longed for the freedom that death could bring, Wabisuke’s tears brought him back from the edge.

Sitting on the cold floor, Izuru had died. Not a physical death but one in his heart. For now he would go on playing at living. Lost in his thoughts once again, Izuru didn’t hear the steps coming from behind. A hand grasped his shoulder and he was pulled back into reality.

“What ya doin’, little Izuru?” asked a grinning Gin. The grin which rarely left his face seemed more real and welcoming. No longer did it frighten people. That was thanks to Kuchiki-taicho. Kuchiki-taicho had saved Gin’s soul and mended his heart. The two seemed so unlikely it was almost amusing. The frozen Kuchiki and the grinning Ichimaru. Some how they had made it work much to the disgruntlement of the Kuchiki clan elders. It had taken many weeks to bring the elders around but finally the relationship of the two powerful taicho had been accepted both by the Kuchiki clan and by the Soul Society as a whole.

“I am walking home, Ichimaru-taicho.” Izuru answered sarcastically. Gin’s grin only widened and he continued walking beside Izuru. Izuru glanced at his taicho and stopped in the street to look upon the grinning man with disbelief. What did the man want was it not enough that because of Izuru’s on unrequited love that he had lost all hope. What more did he want from him. Gin continued walking a few steps before stopping and turning to look at Kira.

“What do you need, Taicho?” asked Izuru finally. He just wanted to get home and find some relief for the pain that had seemed to double since leaving the office. Just the thought of the razor he kept in his bathroom just for this purpose had Izuru’s fingers twitching slightly. He was like an addict for a drug only his drug of choice was pain.

“Byakuya and I wanted to invite ya to dinner tonight. It’s a celebration, the elders finally gave their consent for Byakuya and I to remain together.” Gin said with a grin as he stepped back towards Izuru and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Ya are family and we want ya there with us.”

‘Stop, don’t touch me like that’ cried Izuru in his soul. ‘I can’t bear it when you touch me. It makes me hurt too much.’ Izuru’s face paled and he stepped away from his taicho.

“I have plans tonight, I’m sorry Taicho. Perhaps another time.” Said Izuru with a surprisingly calm voice and a small smile on his face that didn’t quite reach his eyes. How he kept his voice calm was a mystery even to himself. Keeping a firm grip on himself, Izuru bowed low to his taicho and began once again the trek home.

“Izuru.” called Gin, smile now replaced with a frown of concern. “Ya have been spendin’ too much time alone.”

“Thank you for your concern, Taicho. I am fine. Its good to be alone sometimes. A person can feel alone even in a crowded room.” Placing a bright cheerful smile on his face, Kira turned and smiled at his taicho. “Please offer my congratulations to Kuchiki-taicho.” With a final bow, Izuru walked away as calmly as he could. His taicho left standing there watching his retreating back. Gin knew his fukutaicho was suffering. He knew that smile that Izuru had given him because it was the same as the one he had kept on his own face for far too long. Only Byakuya’s love had allowed the real Ichimaru Gin to break through the mask. Gin stood watching for a moment then resigned himself to return home. ‘I’ll find a way to help Izuru.’ thought Gin. With that thought, he flickered and disappeared as he flash stepped home to Byakuya.

Izuru calming opened the door of his apartment and walked inside. The apartment was silent, the only sound that could be heard by Izuru was the quiet sobbing of Wabisuke. She knew where he was heading. Izuru stopped beside her stand. Untying her from his waist, Izuru placed her lovingly on the stand. ‘I’m sorry Wabisuke. I don’t mean to hurt you but I don’t think I could live with the pain with out this.’

Walking calmly into the bathroom, Izuru undressed his upper body. Taking a clean razor from the box he kept in a drawer, he slowly began to draw the blade across the flesh of his chest just above the nipple. Blood ran down his chest in bloody trails and disappeared in the black of his pants. The pressure in his soul eased as the emotional pain was replaced by the physical. Once again running the blade through his flesh, Izuru felt something other than the emotional pain. He felt. To fell again was a release. In these moments he could control himself and fight back the darkness that threatened to engulf his soul.

Izuru laughed a little, who was he kidding. He had lost his soul on the day that Ichimaru Gin had left him alone to follow Aizen. Ichimaru-taicho could have taken Izuru with him but he didn’t. He left him in Soul Society to suffer. That day had been burned into Izuru’s memory. Watching from a distance as his beloved taicho was pulled away by the Hollows, Izuru had nearly doubled over in the agony that had ripped through him. ‘Why? Why cant I go with you?’ Izuru had screamed in his mind.

That night after the commotion of the defection of the three taicho had calmed down, Izuru sat in his apartment. The second division interrogators had finished their questions and had allowed him to return to his home. He had been exonerated from the charges brought against him for apparently aiding in the crimes of Aizen Sosuke, Ichimaru Gin and Tousen Kaname.

Sitting alone on his bed he had nearly been swallowed by the agony. Finally walking into the bathroom and taking the razor that he normally used to shave, Izuru prepared himself to die. Through all his agony he could not use the blade to end his life as he allowed the blade to drop to the floor. Perhaps he had decided to take the cowards way. Reaching down to pick up the blade, it sliced his palm. Hissing at the pain, Izuru had then been awakened. He had been so busy dealing with the pain in his hand, had had forgotten if only for a moment the pain in his heart.

From that day on Izuru had managed his emotional turmoil and pain with a physical pain. Life had seemed to go on even without his beloved Ichimaru-taicho. Time seemed to stand still for a while and Izuru was busy with the running of Division Three under the guidance of Yamamoto-sotaicho. The war with Aizen was started with the brave or foolish infiltration of the substitute shinigami, Kurosaki Ichigo along with Kuchiki Rukia, Abarai Renji and Ishida Uryu. Their successful rescue of Orihime sparked the full assault on Aizen and his followers.

Ichimaru had taken that moment to revolt and reveal his true purpose as a internal spy answering to Yamamoto-sotaicho. Defeating Aizen at nearly the cost of his life, Ichimaru had been taken back to Soul Society and placed within the Kuchiki household to heal. Izuru sighed, he would have volunteered his aid if he had known.

There was no use dwelling in thoughts of the past. Izuru stood and drew water for a bath. The soup and water burned the newly formed cuts. Taking care to make sure the cuts were clean and there were no traces of blood remaining on his body. Izuru leaned his head against the edge of the tub. Slowly sleep began to pull at him. The trials of the day having him down.

Izuru stood and walked toward the mirror. Blonde hair grown long in front covered half of his face. Pale skin and delicate features giving him an innocent aura. Looking at his reflection, Izuru couldn’t help but notice the dark circles that shadowed his blue eyes. Slender neck and shoulders melted into a well developed chest and abdomen that had been toned from years of swordsmanship. The only things marring him were the various cuts that marked his chest upper arms and abdomen. The cuts some healed some barely scabbed over were testaments to his pain.

For a moment while looking upon his scars, Izuru thought of Renji. His friend from the academy was always loud and occasionally obnoxious. Renji knew his secret. During the final assault Izuru had been injured and Renji unknowingly had seen the marks of the cuttings. Izuru’s pleading had forced the other fukutaicho into silence. Guilt beat at Izuru. Renji should not be forced to bear the knowledge of his friend’s torment. Throughout the past six weeks, Izuru had avoided Renji. To ashamed to face his once good friend. To ashamed of what he had become. What Renji must think of him. Perhaps some peace could be made at the upcoming festival. His friendship with Renji had always seemed so natural even thought they came from different worlds. Renji grew up in the 78th Rukon district while Izuru was the son of a minor noble family. The days spent sparring with Renji during the academy days were some of his best memories.

Walking slowly back to his small bedroom, Izuru laid down upon the futon and allowed his body to pull his tired mind into dreams. The pain in his soul now appeased, sleep came easier than a person would expect. A deep dreamless abyss lulled Izuru into its arms. His last thought before being dragged beneath the blanket of sleep was that even though the world had resorted to shades of gray, Renji’s hair had always remained a brilliant shade of red like a beacon on a dark night.

AN: Poor Kira his pain beats at me. This chapter was very emotionally painful for me to write but I needed to fully expose Kira’s suffering before I can begin the journey that will heal him. I had planned to be evil and make all of you wait a week or so before I posted but I don’t like writing the next chapter without some feedback and my soul is forcing me to write this. The last two days Kira’s story was beating on my brain. Thank you please read and review and I promise the story will lighten as Kira heals.