Not Close Enough

Renji’s lips tasted like cinnamon that afternoon in the schoolyard, Ichigo marveled. He vaguely wondered whether it had just been his imagination, or that it could be the afterefects of Yuzu's red hot cinnamon cookies that he was nibbling on, whilst studying and stretched out on his bed. It was a few days after the incident where Rirrin and her fellow mod souls had stolen his friends and he was trying to unwind. Yet cookies and resting on his bed wasn’t helping his concentration.

So here he was up in his room, glancing at the closet and missing Rukia. The two of them were good friends, and he missed her guidance on certain things. Perhaps she could shed light on Renji’s bizarre behavior. Was it possible the soul reaper LIKED him?

Ichigo was confused enough with high school; he didn’t need another problem like a soul reaper having the hots for him. Love between men wasn’t unheard of, but was unusual, especially for Ichigo who had expected when he was older to find a nice girl and perhaps start dating. The idea that he liked kissing a boy, particularly Renji just blew his mind.

“Gaaah, I don’t need this, damn it! I need to study for this stupid ass test for history!” Ichigo grabbed his short hair and tugged at it in frustration.

Just then he heard someone knocking at the window. Hoping it was Rukia, he sat up on his bed. Yet when he felt the reiatsu he knew it was someone else; namely the cause of his dilemma. Renji’s reiatsu tingled dangerously, tickling his skin and causing bolts of desire to creep over him in places far south of the border.

“Oi! Ichigo, open up!”

“It’s unlocked, Renji,” Ichigo grumbled, hearing Renji’s voice muffled by the pane of glass. Just why was he here at THIS hour?

The sash squeaked and hissed as Renji pushed the pane open, setting his foot on the windowsill. Long black hakama covered his legs, revealing the toe of one sandal clad foot. Ichigo found himself staring at Renji’s socked feet of all things, realizing it kept him from looking at the attractive chiseled face of the Shinigami. He rolled over onto his back, sitting up so he could grab his textbook and put it over on his lap. Renji’s garnet eyes peered down at Ichigo, alert and bright.

“Studying huh? Rukia said ya were burning the midnight oil all right. Guess I came at a bad time huh?” Renji commented.

“Nah, you can stay I guess. I’m sick of looking at this shit anyway. It’s not going into my brain anymore,” Ichigo replied, glad for any excuse not to look at history. It was one subject he didn’t care much for. At least not right now because it reminded him too much of other unpleasant events. Besides, he wanted to look at how attractively the robe stretched over Renji’s chest. He caught himself imagining what those tattoos would look like all over Abarai’s naked body.

“Shit,” he cursed. Renji wandered over, tucking his hands into his opposite sleeves and pacing around Ichigo’s bed. He pretended to look a bit bored, his frown slightly tugging down the corners of his shapely mouth as he peered down at Ichigo sitting on the bed.

“More textbooks, huh?” He blinked down and saw that Ichigo scooted over on the bed somewhat.

“Yeah you know it. Miss Ochi’s piling it onto me. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”

“Yer not gonna bitch and moan about me wanting to take a look this time are ya?” Renji asked.

“Nah, sit down,” Ichigo replied, indicating the space next to him which was now clear. Renji turned around and sat down, shifting the bed springs though in shinigami form.

“Bed’s too soft. No wonder you’re off guard when we go on patrol.”

Ichigo chuckled, hiding his nervousness at Renji’s comment. Why was he shy about girls sitting on his bed and yet he just invited Renji to sit down without a second thought? Why was his heart beating a mile a minute as his palms sweat gripping the book he pressed to his lap? Sitting Indian style on the bed he stared straight ahead instead of looking Renji in the eye.

“So what the hell brings you here this time of night huh? You learned I get pissed when you sneak into my room at night and wake me?” Ichigo commented.

“Was gonna ask you about goin’ on patrol with me, since ya whined about me not doing my JOB right. Then I couldaproved ya wrong and make you eat your words. But looks like you’ve got other plans, Ichigo.”

“I can handle it,” Ichigo grunted, tossing his book aside. Renji grabbed the textbook before it tumbled off the edge of the bed.

“Yeah so ya say, Ichigo. History huh? What’s so bad about that subject, eh? Or is it the one you suck in?”

“Hey, shut up! Who asked you to look? It’s my business damn it,” Ichigo said with a yelp, snatching the textbook back from Renji.

“Someone’s getting a little excited. You’re too edgy. Maybe it’s better if I handle things on my own after all eh?”

“For someone who dragged me along in the first place you’re confusing the crap out of me,” Ichigo complained, feeling his pants suddenly getting too tight. “If you’re going to go, just go. Why waste time asking me to come along if you’re able to handle it on your own?”

“Maybe some fresh air and a little patrol would calm ya down, unless you want to take back that crack about a lieutenant not being able to do his job?”

Ichigo growled as Renji continued to taunt him. “What the HELL is your problem? Get lost I need to study!”

“I thought you were sick of studying. You need to make up YOUR mind, Ichigo.”

“What the hell are we talking about here?” Ichigo asked, glaring at Renji. A smug smirk crossed his face, and Ichigo felt his face flushing with blood.

“You get all worked up over a simple question. So can you or can’t you come with me on patrol? Yes or no? You don’t look like you’re into studying, but now you’re using it as an excuse not to come along. Make up your damn mind!”

“Fuck it,” Ichigo snapped at Renji’s observation. Finally he turned his head to look at the other and stared him down. Why did Renji seem so calm when he was crawling out of his skin?

“You’re nervous about something. Admit it.”

“Make your damn point and stop jerking me around,” Ichigo mumbled, baring his teeth at Renji. That mysterious smile only pissed him off even more.

“You don’t want to come with me because you’re nervous about something, right? Am I right Ichigo?”

“This is fucking stupid! Gaaah!” Ichigo grabbed his book and hurled it across the room so it almost dented the far wall. “Who SAID I was nervous?!”

“You sure fooled me. Every time I’m around you flip out. I’m just tryin’ to be friendly and you’re always snapping my head off. Just what the hell is your problem with me anyway Ichigo? Can’t we have a normal conversation?”

“Because you BUG me okay?” Ichigo admitted, grabbing the front of Renji’s kimono and tugging on it.

“Aha I was right. Why didn’t ya just admit it? Shit you say I’m dense?”

“I don’t know whether to pound the shit out of you or… or… you just piss me off, Renji! I can’t say why, and I don’t know why I’m admitting this to you, but it is driving me CRAZY,” Ichigo whispered, inhaling deeply.

“This have anything to do with the kiss?” Renji asked, wiping the smirk off his face.

“Hell no! Why the fuck should I care and what does THAT have to do with anything!” Ichigo shouted, his voice wavering.

“Cause to me you’ve been on edge SINCE then, and I wanna know why. You ashamed of kissing me?”

“Why do you care?” Ichigo demanded, tugging on Renji’s kimono so hard that he almost pulled the other man on top of him.

“Why shouldn’t I? You don’t think I let anyone ELSE get that close do ya? What kind of a man do you think I am?”

“I don’t know how to answer that,” Ichigo admitted, releasing Renji’s kimono. He glanced rapidly away, scooting over to put a gap of six inches between them.

“There’s nothing sick or weird about two men kissing so you can fucking FORGET that idea okay, Ichigo!”

“What the hell am I supposed to think Renji? I never thought YOU in a million years would… would… aww damn it!” Ichigo blurted out, curling up into a ball and squeezing his eyes shut. The whole conversation seemed ridiculous.

“You really are weirded out, aren’t ya?” Renji said calmly. Ichigo felt the large hand resting on his shoulder, gripping it tightly to give it a squeeze.

“Yes. And I liked it,” Ichigo replied, his eyes hidden by his bangs.

“There, was that so hard to admit? You should have told me ya were nervous. If you don’t want ta spend time around me tell me now, okay?”

“I don’t know what to think, Renji. I’ve never felt like this, and I don’t like talking about feelings. It’s just… just…”

“Not what guys talk about? Boy are you living with your head up your ass. You ARE uptight.”

“C’mon you were in Squad 11 with a bunch of men! Men don’t talk about feelings and…”

“Bullshit,” Renji cut him off. “You have some strange ideas about men, Ichigo. Your dad must’ve failed somewhere.”

“Don’t bring my dad into this, Renji!”

“Calm down. All I’m saying is that you’ve got a lot of stupid notions floating through your carrot topped head, Ichigo. And the sooner you throw them away the better for you and me.”

“You… and me? Is there a you and me?” Ichigo stammered, seeing the seriousness in Renji’s eyes. He felt his skin burning as Renji slid an arm around his shoulders and drew him close.

“Relax. I’m not going to hurt ya. Shit, no wonder you’re always flying off the handle. Always on your guard. You don’t haveta put up that macho shit with me, Ichigo. So drop the act and talk to me. ‘Cause I’m being serious here.”

“I don’t know anything about how I’m feeling, Renji,” Ichigo confessed, his brown eyes staring into the deep red ones, full of sudden compassion and caring he never thought anyone would show.

“Hey look at me. If I’m making you nervous say so. If I do anything that you don’t’ want ta, just tell me not to. But don’t lie to yourself and hide what’s going on. Because I know better. You don’t have to hide from me, Ichigo.”

Ichigo sighed and laid his head on Renji’s shoulder. Somehow he knew that the other man wouldn’t mind. It felt good to feel Renji’s arm around him, pulling him so he could rest his head on the other man’s chest. Squeezing his eyes shut he exhaled deeply, feeling the soothing pressure of Renji’s hand rubbing his tight shoulders.

“C’mere.”

“Where?” Ichigo panted, feeling Renji tugging at his waist.

“Shaddup, c’mere!”

Ichigo felt Renji tugging him to the side, and he fell over the other man’s legs. This put his arm right in Renji’s lap, and he felt the warmth surrounding him. Scooting back on Ichigo’s bed Renji lay on his side and pulled Ichigo so he lay with his head pillowed alongside his. Both faced one another, Renji’s arm still around him and his hand caressing Ichigo’s chin. Ichigo scooted so their bodies aligned and he could peer deep into Renji’s eyes. They intrigued him so much he couldn’t look away from them.

“How many times do I have to tell ya to relax, Ichigo?”

“So many I’m sick of hearing it,” Ichigo admitted, his hand shaking as he reached out to touch Renji’s face. It seemed the most natural thing in the world, to finger his sideburns and realize they were soft instead of bristly.

“You need something or else you’re wound so tight you’ll shit bricks.”

“And what do I need, Renji? Huh? You’re the freaking expert with the answers so you tell me!”

“Settle down. Damn it Ichigo, you’re acting like I’m going to kill ya.”

Strong arms wrapped around Ichigo and he gasped as Renji pulled him close in a tight embrace. {Instantly his protests were stifled in a hard kiss. Ichigo automatically closed his as he suddenly found his protests stifled by a hard kiss, licking his lips because it was delicious. He slid his arm around Renji’s waist and pulled the other man tightly to him, sighing as Renji’s tongue teased the crease of his mouth. Their waists pressed together and Ichigo yielded to Renji’s insistent prodding, tasting hot breath and sliding his tongue against the older male’s.

He gripped Renji’s body tightly to his, burying his fears in the wonderful sensation of a hard strong kiss that drove him wild. The longer their lips moved over one another the hungrier Ichigo became, till he found himself dominating the kiss. Renji’s head twisted to the side and he rolled over on his back, pulling Ichigo to lie across him. In order to tighten his embrace with Renji , Ichigo twisted his body, pulling the shinigami on top of him. He felt Renji’s legs parting and straddling him, bringing their crotches into contact, hot and hard in loose folds of black cloth slipping against jeans.

“Mm,” Ichigo mumbled, gasping as Renji pulled away. “Shit, you DO taste like cinnamon.”

“See was that so hard?” Renji chuckled, pressing his hand into the bed to hold himself up off Ichigo.

“You’re fucking hard,” Ichigo whispered, grabbing Renji by the ponytail and jerking him forward so their chests collided.

“So are you, Ichigo. Damn you feel good under me.”

“You’re not so bad yourself. Shit, you’ve done this before haven’t you?” Ichigo asked, rubbing Renji’s back. Soft kisses pressed into his neck and he moaned as Renji ground his hips against his hardness.

“Yeah. But don’t worry about it. What happened before doesn’t’ matter. Just relax and enjoy.”

“Why me, Renji? Why not Rukia?” whispered Ichigo, stroking Renji’s dark tattoos on his shoulder and neck.

“I wondered the same thing about you, Ichigo. I’m surprised you and Rukia didn’t do it already. But then I realized something. I was damn jealous,” Renji whispered.

“Don’t you have the hots for her?”

“I love her. But I also like men as well as women,” Renji admitted. “And well, she loves me too. But she’s not IN love with me. And it hurts like hell. But she already gave her heart to someone else.”

“Yeah. And he’s dead,” mumbled Ichigo quietly. “And I realized too that even though I care a lot for her, I just well… she’s not interested.”

“She told me Orihime was pretty sad when you told her you didn’t like her,” mumbled Renji.

“Shit, Ishida loves her. I don’t. And well… she’s cute and all but I’m just not interested in her. She’s more like one of my sisters,” said Ichigo as Renji kissed his ear.

“It sucked. She gave her heart to Kaien Shiba long ago. After I walked away from her. It hurt like hell Ichigo. I said I wanted her. I’d kill for her. I love her, but she doesn’t love me as more than a brother. And I had to respect that she didn’t have feelings for me more than well… as a good friend. So I guess I played the better man and let her go... even if she DOES love a dead man.”

“Can’t compete with that huh?”

“I thought she was in love with you. Imagine my surprise when she didn’t decide to go with you. That there told me that I was imagining things.”

“So why DID you come back here?” Ichigo asked.

“Because of you, Ichigo. There’s something between us. And I was curious. And no you’re not a rebound from Rukia. I just, well… I just want to explore things. If ya don’t want to, tell me now.”

“I’m still damn confused, Renji. But I want to try to understand,” Ichigo admitted, “because I’ve never felt anything like this around anyone else. It scares the hell out of me, but I like it.”

“Good enough for me Ichigo.”

Ichigo sighed with pleasure, pulling Renji down into another lingering kiss. There was no pressure, only the exploration of two people who had found one another and had time to explore the bond developing between them.