Secrets

As soon as he wanted to say something, Renji stopped himself, choosing to focus on the soup and other courses that were brought at intervals before them. Most of what Byakuya said only partly registered, Renji smiling politely or giving one word answers. Wearing such rich clothing only served to remind him that a vast difference existed in their stations still. He could tell Byakuya was worried about something, yet hoped it wasn’t so obvious that he was.

Meanwhile Byakuya frowned at Renji’s distant attitude. Had he somehow said or done something to push his Vice captain away. Or was something ELSE wrong. The mere fact that Renji had not stopped to change for a dinner date had caused him concern because it seemed his lover was preoccupied. He would have guessed Renji would have at least stopped at his apartment and removed his uniform so they could leave work behind. Perhaps he had been unclear in his expectations, because Renji wasn’t known for picking up subtle hints.

“It seems I was unclear in my expectations,” said Byakuya.

“What was that?” Renji asked.

“You could have at least changed before coming here,” Byakuya said.

“Sorry to disappoint you,” Renji said, squirming. “I guess I should have done that. But you didn't say to change, so how was I to know?”

“In future I will be more explicit in my instructions. I merely was concerned with your comfort. You seem rather distant. What has transpired between our previous meeting to change your mood so?”

“I guess I just feel weird wearing something like this. No offense, but I’m not used to silk. I shoulda just worn something else.”

“It was not my intention to cause you discomfort. If you wished to wear your uniform, please say so in future. Or else perhaps you should leave some of your clothing here to change into.”

“It’s no big deal. I just well… it isn’t comfortable that’s all. Sorry,” he mumbled.

“But is the food not to your liking? You have hardly eaten with your former enthusiasm,” Byakuya persisted.

“Guess I WAS hungry,” Renji apologized. He started to eat more rapidly.

“You seem to regain your appetite. Was it that you were afraid of following proper manners? Renji, the world will not end if you make a mess,” Byakuya sighed laboriously. "That is the function of servants."

“Yeah, that was it. You know my manners aren’t the best. I hate messing up such lovely clothes,” Renji quickly said.

“Perhaps we should attempt the next ‘date’ in your quarters,” Byakuya shrugged. “I surmise something else is at the root of your aberrant behavior. What is really troubling you?”

Renji glanced away, knowing he was a horrible liar. “Sir, it’s nothing ya need to worry about.”

“Does it involve your meeting with Vice Captain Kira and Vice Captain Hisagi?” Byakuya asked, wiping his lips with the napkin in his lap. At the mention of those names Renji’s shoulders tensed. His breath surged in and out with the tightness developing in his chest.

“I… I just had a hard day is all. I missed you,” Renji answered weakly.

“The feeling is mutual Renji. Yet I asked you a question. Why do you feel the need to avoid answering it directly?” Byakuya persisted, his voice not filled with anger, but a note of concern. Suspicions of Kira’s worrying filled Renji’s mind, causing him to set down his chopsticks. He placed both hands on his lap, where Byakuya could not see them.

“Please don’t ask me sir,” Renji pleaded, glancing down into his plate as if it were a crystal ball. Pulling his hand out of his lap he grabbed the chopsticks and started eating mouthfuls of the rich dish even though he felt his stomach hurting.

“Why ever not? Did something transpire? Obviously there is some matter that presently affects your behavior preventing you from engaging in normal conversation. I merely wish you to tell me what it is.”

“Look, it was something they said. But I’d rather not talk about it, if you don’t mind. I don’t wanna ruin dinner,” Renji quickly answered.

“Renji, you must tell me. I insist,” Byakuya said firmly, reaching over and grasping Renji’s hand with his silver gloved one.

“I don’t want to get them into trouble,” he whispered.

“Did they ask you about us?” Byakuya asked. Renji licked his lips, feeling torn between his friends’ loyalty and that of his lover.

“Aww damn it. What can I say I just…” Renji trailed off.

“Tell me the truth. I give you my word I will not pass judgment till I hear you out.”
Hanging his head, Renji glanced up into the impassive blue eyes. “Yes, they did… and I didn’t tell them it was you. But they’re my friends and I told them I had to keep it a secret.”

“I see,” the noble said quietly. He removed his hand from Renji’s, carefully folding it with the other on his lap. His dark eyes fixated on the cup of sake he reached over to pick up. Slowly he sipped it, and then returned his gaze to Renji. Unfortunately the Vice Captain could not tell what Byakuya was thinking from the neutral school expression on his face.

“Don’t be angry at me sir. I just…” Renji pleaded, playing with the sleeves of his robe. “I didn’t want to cause any problems. It’s just really bugging me and I don’t know what to think. That’s why I didn’t wanna bring it up, and now I’m probably ruining your dinner cause I can’t keep my mouth shut or control what the hell I’m doing.”

“When you sit down to dine with me and fail to respond to conversation, much less eat far smaller portions than I normally see you consume, which is significant enough for me to notice. I would prefer you to be forthcoming.”

“Ya see, I ruined things. And you went to all this trouble. Damn it, I’m sorry,” Renji apologized, shaking his head so his braid swished back and forth.

“Renji, are you afraid of my opinions on this matter? That I will become angry and somehow harm your friends?” Byakuya asked lightly.

“Yes sir. You’re quite powerful and I promised to keep our relationship a secret. Yet they are my friends and I…” Renji confessed. He squeezed his eyes shut, cursing his bad fortune. First Rukia then her brother were seeing him as a disappointment. However he didn’t count on Byakuya’s fingers reaching out to brush his arm.

“Renji, look at me,” Byakuya asked, firmly. Opening his eyes Renji met those of his lover, seeing no anger in them. He felt his heart still skip a beat.

“You aren’t angry?” Renji asked softly. He dared to pull his hand off his lap again and rest it on the table near his drink. Byakuya’s hand slid across the surface of the lacquer table, over Renji’s reflection on its polished surface. His long slender fingers brushed over Renji’s, stiffly covering the back of his hand.

“Not angry precisely, but concerned, Renji. You were wise in your judgment to inform them you were in a relationship. If you had denied this, you would only inflame their need for more information,” Byakuya said, squeezing his vice captain’s hand.

“That’s a relief. I didn’t say who you were or anything else. Only thing I told them was about the sunglasses and the flowers. That’s all right isn’t it?”

Byakuya’s lips twitched in amusement. “Of course. Did I not tell you so? To confess the flowers and sunglasses were from your nameless lover is hardly a crime. In fact it is evidence that you are in a relationship. As long as you kept my name secret, I am far from angry or disappointed.”

“But what do I tell them if they keep asking, Sir? I’m scared. I don’t wanna screw this up because it means so much. I’m afraid that if I do or say the wrong thing you’ll get pissed and you won’t…”

“Won’t what? State what is on your mind, Abarai. Do not feel the need to refrain from disclosing your thoughts,” the noble insisted, sliding his fingers so they interlaced with Renji’s.

“That you won’t want me anymore,” Renji confessed, staring away miserably.

“Is that all? Abarai, I have no desire to end this relationship on such a matter. You told me the truth, and that is all I required. I trust that you will exercise prudence with preserving our secret. So far you have done so to my satisfaction,” Byakuya answered, sliding around the corner of the table so his hip touched the red head’s.

“Kira’s from squad three. He’s got ways of finding things out. And Hisagi. They accused you of… wanting to use me… and it pissed me off,” Renji growled.

“Kira’s affair with Ichimaru Gin is known to me, Renji,” the noble informed him. “His trust was warped and twisted by the manipulative charlatan. Kira wrestles with emotional instability. He was ripe for such conquest, as was your classmate Momo. He did not possess the strength of will to fight Gin’s control.”

“True, but begging your pardon it’s hard for you to say things like that about my friends,” Renji sighed.

“I was merely stating fact, Renji. Gin has redeemable qualities, yet it is well known he has difficulties with depression. Gin used those weaknesses to considerable gain, as did Aizen. We were all deceived.”

Renji sighed, burying his face in Byakuya’s shoulder when the noble slid his arm around the vice captain. Gritting his teeth he wrapped his arms around Byakuya, holding on tight. He whispered, “I don’t’ want to lose you sir… it’s just difficult… more so than I thought.”

“This is why we must exercise extreme caution. There is much at stake in this relationship. Yet I am willing to try. You must trust ME Renji to handle things using my influence. It is no shame in asking for my help,” said Byakuya.

Lifting his head for a moment Renji blurted out, “I don’t want anything happening to my friends.”

“Nothing will,” said Byakuya. “You have my word. No harm will befall them. Yet they will mind their own business for their own sakes. If they continue to be inquisitive, I will do what I can to relieve the burden on you.”

“How so?” Renji asked. Byakuya guided Renji’s head to rest on his shoulder with a half gloved hand. Slowly and soothingly he stroked Renji’s braid.

“Their duty rosters can be rearranged so they are too busy to ask you questions regarding your personal life. If they suspect my identity they know better than to persist in hounding you. They know better than to invoke my anger,” Byakuya said calmly. “They will keep silent.”
“What are you saying, Byakuya?” Renji asked, frowning.

“That it is likely Vice Captain Kira knows who I am by inference. If he continues behavior that confirms my suspicions I will speak to him privately and relieve the burden on you regarding our secret,” Byakuya reassured him, smoothing Renji’s cheek.

“Sir?”

“He is a noble, though a lesser family then the Kuchiki clan. It may seem that he fears the repercussions of clan laws. I can assuage his fears and speak with him privately. There is no reason you should bear such a heavy load as I have saddled you with, Renji.”

“Byakuya please don’t apologize!” the Vice captain protested.

“Are we not mutually involved in this relationship, Renji? It pleases me that you used my name so freely several times. Yet you still are not reassured?”

“Forgive me,” Renji apologized.

“There is nothing to forgive. All I ask now is for you to trust me as I trust you. Now, let us put this matter aside and enjoy the rest of our meal,” Byakuya scolded him, his deep voice ringing with reassurance. Renji felt the soft kiss pressed to his forehead and managed to raise his head. He gave his lover a reassuring smile, calming down at least enough to finish dinner with an improved demeanor.

***

While Renji and Byakuya dined together, Izuru Kira wandered towards Squad Nine’s offices. A lump persisted in his throat since he had left Shuuhi sitting there a few hours ago. Excusing himself he had rushed back to his office despite Hisagi calling after him. He could still hear what he had said in his haste to leave.

“I need to go too. Please forgive me for being hasty…” he had stammered.

“Kira, don’t leave like this. Let me at least walk you back to your office,” Shuuhi had insisted.

“No, I need some time alone all right? Please?” Kira had hastily snapped, harder than he had wanted. Shuuhi had folded his arms over his chest and nodded.

“All right. I’ll see you later okay, when you feel like you’re ready,” Hisagi sighed.

Biting down hard Kira marched more quickly, seeing the familiar numeral 9 at the top of the HQ building looming ahead. Already the setting sun cast shadows over him, reflecting the gloom that settled over Kira. He cursed himself for being so careless, yet knew that he had every reason to be worried for Renji. Didn’t his friend see that he cared?

He wasn’t surprised to see Shuuhi Hisagi already standing on the front steps, arms folded over his chest and dark eyes staring straight at him. His spiky hair seemed taller in the shadows that frown on his face not filled with anger but with concern for his welfare. Kira swallowed the lump in his throat, forming the words of his apology in advance. Shuuhi was a good man to put up with his sudden moods.

The first thing Kira said as he closed the gap between them was, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have shut you out, Shuuhi.”

“Don’t worry about it; I understand how you get, all right?” the squad nine vice captain answered, unfolding his arms and holding them out to Kira.

The vice captain of squad 3 stepped into them, sighing as he laid his head on the other man’s chest. Strong arms wrapped around him holding him tightly. All he wanted to do was forget the horrible suspicions arising like an ominous storm in his mind. For a few minutes he stood there, drawing in strength from his lover’s embrace. He felt Hisagi twitch then opened his eyes to look up at him. “Hey, let’s go inside all right?”

“All right,” Kira nodded, stepping out of his arms so Hisagi could wrap an arm around his waist. They strode into his office, sliding the door open quietly. Kira sank to the comfortable sofa, waiting for his companion to close the door and sit down next to him.

“Okay, are you all right? What's going on in that mind of yours, love,” Hisagi urged, patting his knee. Kira turned his full attention to him.

“I suppose Renji will be angry with me after what I said,” the blonde vice captain reflected.

“He’ll be angry at both of us, not just you. Don’t take all the blame on yourself,” Hisagi interrupted him, pressing a thumb to his lips. He carefully lifted the hair from the other side of Kira’s face, tucking it behind his ear. His hip touched the blonde’s, weight shifting on the sofa.

“I just can’t stop the memories. It seems so familiar that it hurts,” Kira stammered.

“It’s not the same situation, Kira. He’s doing this willingly. No ulterior motives, okay?” Hisagi whispered, kissing the blonde on his cheek.

“I know that, Shuuhi. It’s just that I am SURE I know who he is seeing,” Kira whispered. Carefully they glanced around seeing nobody within earshot.

“Nobody’s here. You can talk freely,” Hisagi informed him. “It’s MY office after all.”

Kira blinked up into his lover's dark eyes, letting the words tumble out, “I know what it’s like to have someone in power have that ability to hold thins over your head. It’s not that I don’t trust his… lover… it’s just…”

“His lover is a man of great character. Who would follow the rules to a fault. Do you think he would do anything to hurt Renji intentionally if he wasn’t serious? We shouldn’t have asked him anything. We could both get into a lot of trouble.”

“I know. I shouldn’t have said anything. If word of this gets back to squad six… there could be great problems for either of us. It’s one thing to have a relationship between officers of different squads but…” and here Kira glanced anxiously around.

“It’s not unheard of,” Hisagi finished.

“There are reasons why it is a bad idea,” Kira mumbled. The Squad 9 vice captain slid his bare arm around his partner, hugging him close. Kira buried his face in Hisagi’s sleeveless top, clutching folds of cloth.

“It’s okay. He’s not Gin. In the end he did what was right. You need to leave the past be. It’s not always about you love,” the vice captain of squad nine comforted him, stroking Kira’s cheek.

“It just… so many memories,” Kira whispered, shaking from head to toe. “Damn it I thought I was past this…”

“That’s why you need to trust Renji to do the right thing. He can handle it. If anything this is less of an issue than if he was with Rukia.”

“Is it? Families of my station and greater allow relationships between men. Yet Renji is in the same situation he would be in with Rukia… even worse.”

“Which is why we need to keep our mouths shut, Kira. If Rangiku asks, we’ll tell her he’s seeing someone on the side. We’ll make something up together. We’re good at that, aren’t we?”

“A skill of squad three,” Kira shuddered. “No I’ll think of something to tell Rangiku.”

“And I’ll be right with you as always,” Hisagi said, bending down to kiss Kira’s lips.

Wrapping his arms around his lover’s neck, Kira buried his sobs in Hisagi's hungry mouth.
Carefully Hisagi eased Kira down to the sofa, lying on top of the other man. Parting his legs Kira allowed Hisagi to kneel and stretch out so their kiss was unbroken. Together they removed the clothes that came between them, finding comfort in one another as they had so many times before.