Secrets

Miserably Renji knelt near him, laying his head on his lover’s shoulder. Anger twisted his stomach into further knots, prompting him to turn a shade of green. Normally his stomach was iron clad, but the stress of the afternoon had ruined any appetite. Sensing the change in Renji's reiatsu, Byakuya glanced down at him in concern. While Renji had done a lousy job keeping things secret, the noble was silently gloating. *Let those fools tremble a bit, because they knew far better than to incur his wrath.* A moment later Byakuya scolded himself for such foolish petty behavior. It was unbecoming of a Kuchiki.

"I'm sorry sir... I don't feel so well... gotta..." Renji murmured, shrinking away. Byakuya felt as if he wanted to throw a hand over his face and bite the back of his wrist in frustration. Enough was enough. All evening Renji acted distant and denied him the pleasure of his company. However he knew better and Byakuya wanted to remind him of his place.

"Where are you going?" Byakuya demanded, a little more harshly than he intended. Anger filled him, slow burning like a fuse on dynamite, but certain to explode all the same. It was just a question of when and at whom. Two so called friends who were well intentioned had ruined a promising dinner he'd supervised to the smallest detail. From the clothes he had considered giving Renji as a present to the careful balance of spices in the food knowing that Renji hated overly hot and curried dishes. He was disappointed when Renji had shown up wearing his uniform, yet knew it was partly his fault for not suggesting his vice captain change before showing up.

"I'm sorry Byakuya. I ruined the dinner, and I'm sure you're pissed. I just remembered there was some paperwork I forgot to attend to..." Renji said, picking at his robe sleeves for invisible lint. He tensed against his lover’s body.

"Is that so?" Byakuya asked with a frown. He could see the extreme discomfort in his vice captain. Secretly he'd given Renji's measurements to his tailor, someone who asked few questions. Those robes would cost a year’s salary, twice what the sunglasses the redhead wore now. He had accepted that gift so graciously the noble wondered why such garments were an issue.

"Please sir, I need... I just need to think some things thru is all," Renji said. Formality was reasserting itself, the sound unwelcome when Byakuya would much rather hear his personal name.

"You who are so concerned with not ruining my evening are suddenly trying my patience," Byakuya said with frustration. "I've been quite lenient but you are seriously vexing me!"

"I said I was sorry," Renji shot back, suddenly hearing what sounded like a complaining spoiled brat deep inside Byakuya rising to the surface.

"Then cease apologizing! How many times must I repeat myself? Apparently you have some problem with this situation. Instead of revealing it to me you are backing down?” Byakuya demanded.

"You... this... I just... shit, Captain. You know how crazy it's making me having you suddenly tell me that you'd risk screwing my friends’ lives up just cause I couldn't keep my damn trap shut?"

"You would insult my favor and offer of assistance, Renji? Why?" Byakuya asked his eyes wide.

"Because of who you are! I don't want someone making things so damn easy! It's not right!"

Mystified Byakuya shook his head. Renji stormed to his feet, pushing away from his lover. This loss of contact felt as bad as a slap in the face. Byakuya had to admit he relished the affection, so to be denied it was enough of an insult to raise his ire. "I gave you my word they would not be endangered!"

"You say that now, Captain Kuchiki, but my gut tells me if they step outta line, it's gonna be my ass because I couldn't goddamn control myself or keep a secret. Who else is gonna be at risk if I blow our cover, huh?"

"If you have something ELSE to say Abarai, do so now. You are continuing to displease me and this encounter is rapidly deteriorating as it is!" Byakuya complained, glaring at him with a bit of petulance.

"Oh sorry to hurt your feelings Captain," Renji mumbled. "Look, I appreciate ya trying ta help me out, but I got my pride too ya know!"

"What was that?" Byakuya said coldly, the simplest sentence he had uttered that evening, or in the course of his relationship. Rounding the table, Renji dropped to his knees again, but slammed his hands down on the surface. China plates rattled with the force of his contact, eclipsed by his body bending over them to stare Byakuya inches from his nose.

"You ain't the only one with pride, Lord Kuchiki," Renji said angrily, feeling his gut boil with anger instead of fear. Byakuya disliked how Renji’s frowning countenance scowled at him from such a small distance.

“Your proximity is offensive!” Byakuya answered, pushing Renji back with a gloved hand on his chest.

“I have a lot to be offended about, Captain, with all due respect,” Renji answered in his best embroidered accent free of Rukongai speech. Pressing his hands on his knees Byakuya drew himself to his most erect posture. Tilting his head slightly back he fixed Renji in an icy stare.

"Excuse me, what is the sudden need for formality? I do not like your tone, Abarai," Byakuya said menacingly. Small wrinkles marred the pale face, spreading from the tip of his nose to across his cheeks.

Renji grabbed folds of silk, shaking his green kimono. He stammered angrily, "I won't be your... your... look at me, sir! Dressing me up in these clothes like I'm not good enough to be around ya any other way! What the hell is up with this?"

"You did not object to those clothes till now. Why are you suddenly intent upon refusing my gifts and insulting my honor?"

With a sweep of his arm Renji indicated the sitting area in all its finery. "Cause it ain't me, sir. This food, this house... all of this. It's just too much all of a sudden. I feel like you're trying to make up for something I never had and it's just..."

"What idiotic nonsense is this? Is this the thanks I get for my generosity? Why is it a problem now?" Byakuya asked, his eyes darkening to a midnight shade as he regarded Renji. A small prickling in the air tingled across Renji’s bare skin. *Oh no Byakuya wasn’t trying to resort to that was he?*

Anguished, Renji felt a gulf opening up. For a month he thought he had built a bridge across which he could finally reach the beautiful and cold Sereitei prince. Now he saw the ropes straining and snapping over that chasm. If he fell off it would be a long and painful trip to the bottom. He had climbed up from such trenches before from his failed relationship with Rukia. Damned if he would allow this bridge to tumble away.

"Because I hate people feeling sorry for me cause I was some street orphan. And no matter what I do you'll still see me as one, dammit!"

Images of a small kid running through the town, to keep up with a carriage or rickshaw rushed to Byakuya’s mind. Traveling through the tight and winding streets of the higher numbered districts he hated, not wanting the riffraff to inconvenience him. Yet in those trips he had seen small wildflowers that would be transplanted into lush soil. He had plucked yet another one, only to have it sprout like a weed instead of a treasured plant. It would have to be pruned and quickly, he decided.

"You are a bigger imbecile than I thought, Abarai to say such things, like an ungrateful cur," Byakuya suddenly snapped. He heard the sound of his voice, volume raised and matching that of his lover backing up on his knees to put more distance between them. Renji’s eyes were shaded by the strands of his long hair spilling over the green robe. Those brown irises gleamed like topaz, sparkling with all the anger he felt inside. Why was Byakuya sure that his own eyes must be of the own intensity? Could he glimpse a small reflection of himself in them?

"So that's what it is? I piss ya off and you're insulting me and calling me names. Am I some embarrassment ya gotta hide, is that it? Someone to pick up, dust off an entertain ya when you're bored?"

Seeing those white sharp teeth bearing only punctuated how ridiculous Renji was acting. Why did he insist on being so ungracious when all Byakuya wished was to share his lifestyle? He had not objected before, so why now, Byakuya wondered. The puzzle intensified, leaving Byakuya to peer quizzically into the frustrated face marked with black brows. Such accusations pricked at him like thorns, further agitating him and the growing ire in his stomach. He disliked such discomfort.

“What is an embarrassment at present is your insulting tone, you peasant!” Byakuya retorted. “I ask one favor of you and you suddenly disagree to the terms of our relationship? What is changed?”

“You’re a control freak that’s what,” Renji accused him pointing at the air with a jabbing finger. Byakuya leaned back visibly at the offensive gesture. “You hate it when you can’t control when and where we see each other! Not ONCE have you asked me what I wanted to do. You can’t tell me how to feel, you know!”

He loathed the harsh look in Renji’s handsome eyes. Once soft they were now sharp and predatory, narrowing to a small and beady nature that Byakuya resented. Even the softness of his unbound hair failed to lessen the impact of that verbal assault. Reiatsu flickered, brushing offensively across Byakuya and forcing him to raise an invisible tingle of sakura tinged energy to brush it away.

“Control freak?” Byakuya said in a quiet voice, averting his gaze from Renji. He gripped hard to what noble reason remained in this verbal attack. “In what way?”

“You’re so fucking blind you can’t see it! Just when I thought ya were loosening up your tightass ways you pull this shit about me changing before I come. You get all uptight and pissy at my friends being curious, and you threaten them if you don’t get your way. Shoe fits Captain, doesn’t it?”

Byakuya sat down on his ankles, his posture ramrod stiff, each muscle twitching in his neck and a vein pulsing on his forehead. Renji could see his jaw muscles clenching in an effort to control himself. The resulting tone of voice rumbled like smooth thunder or hoof beats when Byakuya mentioned, “I fail to see what relevance this has in this argument. You should know my personality well enough now to know I cannot tolerate disorder or chaos. A relationship must have boundaries. If you cannot abide by then perhaps you should think twice about something you once agreed to.”

Renji snorted, unimpressed. Now he heard the clipped formal tone, devoid of emotion steadying any ire he’d previously heard. That melodic voice retreated to the lofty stratosphere of Kuchiki nobility he resented so much. He could see Byakuya locking down on any response now where his face had once been freely contorting with some emotion. “I’d hoped ya’d lighten up as we went along. An just cause you’re my Captain in the office shouldn’t mean yer the one who decides everything about our relationship. Like how I should act, how I should feel fer instance,” Renji snorted. “Like I should be able t’ shut off my emotions the way you can.”

Emotions were burdensome, echoed a long rehearsed speech. It was so easy to retreat to old customs of behavior in times of stress. That was why rules and courtly manners existed, Byakuya reminded himself. Here was a painful reminder of the price of laxing his control. Still his percussive and angry reply equaled the volume in Renji’s voice when he scolded, “You always were impertinent and impetuous. You should learn restraint!”

“I ain’t some dog you can bring to heel, sir. Ya can’t put a gold collar and leash on me and make me sit when ya say sit is what I’m saying,” Renji retorted, almost growling like the very thing he referred to.

If Renji wanted to bark, Byakuya would snap the leash. As if speaking to his sister Rukia he said, “A dog would have respect for his master and the hand that feeds him, Abarai.”

“That proves it then. Is that how ya see me? As some kinda pet you can keep around for your shits and grins?” Renji laughed harshly, pressing a hand to his chest. “What a fucking joke!”

“I never once intended to ‘keep’ you in that sense of the word. I merely am reminding you of common courtesy and respect for someone who is your significant other. It is the nature of such relationships for one to submit to the other,” Byakuya reminded him.

“I serve ya in the office that’s one thing. I can take bein’ under ya in bed. That’s not the deal. But when it comes to who I should tell what, what’s next? Ya gonna tie me down and punish me for not acting the way you think I should? Don’t I get some say in this?”

“The mere fact I’m allowing you to argue in my face without provoking my temper further should be proof of my leniency,” Byakuya said coldly. He was furious, his temper exploding from the once icy prison, yet instead of exploding outwards it smoldered inward, causing his reiatsu to spike dangerously. Around him Abarai felt the very air crackling with the rise in spirit pressure.

Defiantly Renji allowed his own spirit pressure to radiate outwards like a balloon. It pressed against Byakuya’s aura, ruffling and challenging it. “You’re so damn uptight I could shove coal up your ass and it’d become a diamond! What’s it going to take to see it’s not so horrible to have ya submit to ME for a change? What’s the goddamn risk in coming down off your throne?”

“Submit to you? Do not make me laugh, Abarai. You imply that I am in the wrong and you are the injured party. Simply for the fact that you detest my natural inclination to make order out of chaos? There is always a dominant one in a relationship.” As if to assert his point, Byakuya increased the push against Renji’s, prompting invisible reiatsu to spike even more. Any servants in the immediate vicinity suddenly fell to their faces with its force. Renji heard the falling thump of bodies just outside the room. Thanks to the focusing exercises Renji found himself able to withstand the assault. How dare Byakuya resort to using his spirit pressure to try and bring him to heel? He had no idea what he was dealing with, Renji decided.

“Stubborn son of a bitch,” Renji muttered under his breath. “Trying ta shove me around with that spirit pressure are ya?”

“You are the one challenging ME and pressing back, Abarai,” Byakuya answered, small beads of sweat appearing on his forehead. Renji narrowed his eyes, allowing his reiatsu to form small spikes that pushed inwards on the spherical ballooning aura. Ever so slightly it retreated, till Byakuya clamped down.

Sighing Renji drew in great breaths. He pressed his hands to his knees, sweat dripping down his marked brows. Breaking eye contact for a moment he struggled to catch his breath, before raising his chin again. He muttered, “I shoulda figured you’d pull rank no matter what. I’ve had enough of this shit. I’m leaving till ya see some sense.”

Even the reiatsu vying with his was better to Abarai then its sudden absence. Another venue for judging Byakuya’s emotions was denied him, replaced with that guarded wall shutting him out. Another part of the once free relationship was clamped down. However it was because of the sake of the groaning servants Byakuya had done this. Now allowing an irked spark in his steel blue eyes, Byakuya wrinkled his brow. He said, “So you would retreat without resolving our differences? You only prove my point that you are reckless and impetuous. The moment I exert some modicum of limitation you cannot stand it. Would you have me risk my station for the sake of your own selfish gain?”

“What’s so selfish about wanting to be someone’s equal? What’s so damn selfish about wanting to love ya without damn strings? All my fucking life I’ve busted my ass for what I want, only to have people tell me no. And I’m damn sick of it!”

“The nature of love is submission. Sacrifice for what one values and holds sacred. There are rules to every interaction. You cannot expect this relationship to continue without those prices, Abarai,” Byakuya sighed, shaking his head. “Perhaps it was an error to even consider you could…”

“Aww that does it. I’m leaving before we both say things we can’t take back Captain Kuchiki, cause something tells me we both already said more than enough," Renji answered, standing up so he towered over the noble.

Byakuya rose gracefully to his feet, disliking the hovering shadow of his vice captain and lover. A small crack had appeared in his emotional armor, but he sought to keep much from seeping through. He could not allow Renji to see any weakness and use it against him. “From your tone of voice you would demand an apology from me. Insinuating that I am in the wrong even now? When logic dictates that discussion would eventually resolve this dilemma?”

“You’re the one saying this is a big mistake, not me,” Renji answered. “And till ya apologize I don’t wanna see your face right now.”

“If that is the case, then you may leave now,” Byakuya answered, his face set hard in stone. What little emotion he had allowed now stopped dead. That once austere blank expression fell over him, washing any sign of what he thought save distant detachment. Like a curtain the transformation slid downwards from the top of his kenseikan decorated head to the toes of his tabi. Renji saw nothing of the lover he had come to know in this man, rather confirmation of the one he sought to best so many years.

If he wanted to shut down, then Renji would do what he could to provoke him. Fists knotting at his sides Renji quaked from head to toe. His voice spilled out, trembling with anger that he knew would push some button. He allowed the hostility to radiate in waves, in direct contrast to the emotional void Byakuya maintained.

“Fine, if that’s how ya want it!” Renji yelled. He wanted SOME objection, some sign of anger that he had pissed Byakuya off. Yet his lover was shutting him out, frosting over with each retreat Renji made.

“Do what you wish, Abarai. I will not concern myself with your puerile outbursts,” came Byakuya’s frosty reply. He turned his back to Renji, denying him even the privilege of his face. For Renji this was the last straw.

“I’m going! See if I care!” Renji shouted, shaking his fist. Why would Byakuya not even argue with him? Didn’t the fool see that Renji WANTED to be stopped?