Secrets

Anger fully coursed through Renji’s being, twisting his stomach into knots. Why had he waited till now to respond, choosing to act like a pushover when he should have been more assertive? Was his captain merely responding to his passive aggressive lead? He spun around one last time, bursting with the words he knew he had to say before anything else happened. Around his legs swirled the emerald robes, while his hair spun out in a crimson half arc, distracting Byakuya’s gaze.

“You have something ELSE to say to me?” Byakuya said sharply. Steely blue eyes pinned Renji in their gaze, yet had no effect on the wild red ones glaring furiously at his like a raging fire.

“I’m a coward, leaving without saying anything. An idiot, to just passively sit back and take this. I should have made myself clear. Accepted nothing else. My own damn fault for not speaking up till now!” he declared. Renji was truly magnificent, someone who should be free, not fettered by a relationship. His brow contorted by defiance Renji’s sharp teeth gleamed with each angry word flowing past his lips.

“Abarai… Renji come back here at once. I… I have something to say to you…” Across the room Byakuya’s clamped down reiatsu spiked. Renji sensed the change, stopping at the doorway. He moved to take a step, but then felt the tingling prickling his skin in a long slow shiver.

“Oh now you wanna talk? Didn’t ya tell me you didn’t care if I left or not?”

“I changed my mind. I do not wish you to leave with such anger between us,” came Byakuya’s answer, voice louder in volume.

Renji's heart pounded faster. He felt his palms sweating, his breath hitching in anticipation of what he was hearing. Then with words barely above a whisper his captain chanted, “Six Rods of light…”

From three directions forwards he saw the shimmering convergence. One pressed from behind in the middle of his back and against his left and right hips, restrained his movement. In front three ringed his torso and hips. Glancing down Renji thought himself like a rod of bamboo split and peeled, ironically just as vulnerable as the soft inner portion. Suddenly he remembered another time like this, deadly serious with thousands of swords raining from above, red eyes trained urgently as death inevitably snowed on him.

Relief mingled with Renji’s anger, but his blood boiled now. How could he dare to continue being submissive? Nevertheless, instinct screamed at him to ride this out and see what Byakuya had up his sleeve. So Renji froze still, waiting for what his lover would try next.

“So now you’re tryin’ t’ stop me? Ya think ya own me? Bringin’ me t’ heel like a goddamn dog?”

"You are not a dog in my eyes, Renji. I regret making that comparison. That is the first of many statements I regret saying."

Slowly the bars rotated, turning his torso with them so the room blurred. This swung first the sofa, and then the table still laden with half eaten food, behind which stood Byakuya, his face filled with a mixture of anger and frustration, and fear. "I merely wish to express how mistaken I am."

“Is that so? Why do you give a shit now?” Renji asked, flexing his muscles. Surprised he could move, he realized that Byakuya must not be using the full force of the binding spell. How unusual, yet how promising. Perhaps he had reached his icy heart after all with his childish threat to run away?

“When you said you did not wish to see my face I realized I could not allow that to happen,” Byakuya answered. “Because I sensed from your words that you may never return.”

Still able to move his arms Renji brought them up so both wrists were pressed together. His hands were aligned in a horizontal plane, fingers curled in so the tips touched. Hair crackled around him as Renji dug deep into the pit of his being. So Byakuya wanted to play with kidou, he’d do the best his limited ability would try. Byakuya’s blue eyes widened further while watching the flickering ball forming just before Renji’s hand.

“Bakudo 4, crawling rope!” Renji barked. Long strands of white kidou shot forwards, wrapping around Byakuya’s wrists. His dark distinctive brows wrinkled; face forming into a mask while he tugged hard.

“When you said you didn’t want to see my face, you were lying?” Byakuya asked.

“Yes and no! I’m so fucking angry I can’t goddamn see straight. But ya stopped me and that proves ya at least have an ounce of sense.”

“I… believe I owe you something.”

“Owe me WHAT?” Renji shouted, face the same shade as a tomato.

“I apologize Renji. I spoke in haste, and in so doing, have indeed said things that have severely compromised our relationship.” He whispered another incantation, changing the flow of his kidou in the room. The golden rods surrounding Renji blurred and faded like ice melting off a hot sidewalk. Dispelling the entrapment said far more than his fumbling words. In years Renji had not recalled seeing Byakuya’s façade shattering so much.

“That’s a goddamn understatement. Shit I should have fucking said something about this. You’ve got some damn nerve. You want me to be some meek clone?” Renji asked, chest heaving in and out.

“I will not lose you because of my… pride, Renji. I was gravely mistaken when I said what I did about relationships and the nature of them. Words cannot express how… how…” Byakuya trailed off, his voice breaking. Indeed his blue eyes flashed with great distress, his wrists upraised. Like a fish on a line Byakuya yanked and tugged, jerking Renji forward, causing him to stumble.

“How what?” Renji demanded, snapping his hands backwards in retaliation. Byakuya shifted forwards a bit, almost losing his footing.

“I do not wish to have a mindless drone. I want you Renji Abarai as my… my equal. No less, no more.”

“What the fuck took you so long to realize that, you insensitive prick?” Renji asked.

“The thought of having you no longer as a part of my life caused me great distress. I cannot face losing someone else I love because of my pride,” Byakuya admitted, each word slipping forth from his mouth more easily than the one before it.

“You’re goddamn right it’s your pride. How dare you try and just dismiss me!”

“I was wrong. I do not know what to do, to express my grief or my… there are no words,” Byakuya confessed, tugging back on the binding ropes. He raised his wrists to do so, revealing the palms of his strange silvery gloves that he wore even when out of captain’s uniform. They were almost ever present like the silk scarf draped around his graceful neck, a symbol of office as much as his kenseikan. Renji always thought they gave his wrists a more delicate look, but he was impressed as always with Byakuya’s strength.

"It isn't that simple, Byakuya. I wanna forget what we just said, but I need... we can't just let it go."

"Then we will talk about this till we can," Byakuya insisted, releasing his binding spell. He allowed Renji to draw him closer with the shimmering strands of the lower level kidou, anxiously awaiting what those shapely lips would reveal.

"So start talking, Captain," Renji sullenly demanded, yanking back on the bonds. White tinged kidou flickered dangerously for a moment with the instability of his mood. Byakuya carefully watched the threads tightening on his wrists, not bothering to pull back on his reiatsu.

He could hear the pain laced with hurt pride in Renji's voice more clearly now. Just what damage he had inflicted was only now becoming apparent with the retreat of his own frustration. Perhaps he should have allowed Renji to leave in order to cool down, yet Byakuya's gut told him it would be a serious mistake. Some hurts would fester and boil instead of diminish, not to mention they still had a division to run.

"I expected unfair demands of you to start with," Byakuya began, clearing his throat.

"Another freaking obvious statement, Captain." Now that he had expressed his anger, Renji felt his energy flagging. Still maintaining the spell, he moved over and sat down on one of the comfortable cushions.

"If I may explain myself, now that you have my full attention?” Byakuya asked, regaining that infuriating calmness. "Perhaps it may answer some of the painful questions that have come to light."

"Fine. Go ahead and tell it like it is, Captain. Since you seem to have pulled yer head outta your ass," Renji said crudely.

"My experience with long term relationships has been limited to my marriage, and a few abortive attempts that went nowhere," Byakuya added, lowering his deep blue eyes to stare at the intricate patterns on his carpet.

"Go ahead and kneel," his vice-Captain relented. Gracefully he knelt on the floor, after bringing his end of the kidou bonds across the table.

Once he had done so Renji asked, "So, yer not used to dating? Is that the excuse you're giving?"

Byakuya raised his hand, indicating he was still not finished. "I also admit that perhaps in the heat of the moment I should have reconsidered the terms of our relationship. When you agreed to them, I was satisfied that my concept of what a relationship should be was valid. Then seeing you so uncomfortable I initially wanted to lay the blame on you."

"When did ya notice me uncomfortable exactly?” Renji asked.

"When you arrived. I thought perhaps you were afraid I was angry with you. I am accustomed to moderating my emotions I had thought that pleasurable food and clothing would distract you from an unpleasant workday. It seems that it only reminded you of the difference between us. When you rejected my gifts that insulted my honor. That was all I could see then," Byakuya continued.

"Your precious honor? Okay I know yer a noble and all but what was all this about tonight? We've had times before you and me getting together, but not this... not this much," Renji panted, yet saw the contrite and regretful look that met his own.

"Honor dictated my method of behavior this evening. I treated you as I would treat a suitor," Byakuya answered. "Wooing with gifts and fine foods. I did not anticipate you would interpret this as me 'buying your loyalty'."

"Suitor... wooing?” Renji repeated, not quite certain of what he heard.

"I... had thought it high time to announce my intentions were seeking a more permanent and lasting relationship. This was the customary means of courtship beyond mere 'dating' as you and I have done over the past month."

"Why the hell didn't ya SAY so?” Renji demanded, letting go of one of the energy bonds. "I thought we'd gone over all that!"

"One of the reasons I asked you to keep this relationship a secret was because I wanted to be certain we would be compatible, Renji. When I realized mere companionship was not enough, and I considered..." he trailed off, before inclining his head.

"Byakuya, you're not making any sense," complained the red head.

"I am not used to 'dating', Renji. I... was as they say 'making this up as I went along' because I figured it would be simpler to continue our respective duties. To entertain a relationship in a manner that seemed easiest. Yet then I wanted more. Because I desired more, I adopted the rules and norms of my station and clan," Byakuya continued, in a more hesitant and stilted tone.

"Kinda hard to know what those are when you don't freaking TELL me," Renji commented, shaking his head.

"Perhaps I had presumed you would simply accept them as they happened, the way you so willingly accepted our relationship, without question. A foolish assessment, borne of great misconception," Byakuya said with a tired sigh.

"So ya lost yer head and weren't thinking straight? Is that what yer trying t' say?"

"Quite," Byakuya coughed, his fingers trembling slightly.

"Ya shoulda just told me, Byakuya. No more secrets, no more hidden shit. Then we could a saved ourselves all these problems. Did these 'customs' include keeping' things a secret cause I was like some sort of 'concubine'?"

Byakuya nodded slowly. "To protect your reputation as well as my own. Until our relationship was better defined. We seemed quite compatible, till tonight."

"Gotei regulations don't prevent a vice captain and a captain from seeing' each other, providing it don't screw up their work, Captain," Renji said with a long exhalation. "It wasn't so much keepin' a secret; it was the way you were... when it involved my friends. An' when it came to choosing you over them, I didn't know what the hell to do. I'm pissed ya put me in that position."

"I expected far too much from you...” Byakuya began, and then stopped when he saw the anger again flaring in Renji's eyes. Holding up his hand again he said, "I apologize. Allow me to rephrase that, for those are not the correct words. Rather my expectations of you were flawed and unfair."

Kidou crackled, dissipating as the tension between them dropped. Red hair bounded and settled as Renji dropped his head, slumping over from the effort to maintain the spell. Byakuya's admission removed a great deal because for his ire, judging from the way his stomach stopped twisted. Nevertheless, he still felt as if his feelings were mangled and bruised, perhaps too sore for anything else.